To ask you to talk me out of a third?

[squiffyseesaw]

We have two DC. Conceiving them was easy, carrying them v tough (I had hyperemesis all the way through both pregnancies). One emergency section, one planned.

One child has SEN (autism), one is neurotypical.

I turn 39 next week. We agreed all along to have two. After the second I got rid of all the baby stuff, overjoyed to be done with babies.

But... I want another baby.

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't. I just can't shake the urge.

Another child or another baby?

I love babies but am aware it's such a fleeting stage so am definitely sticking at two!

I was the same as you, out second had problems of unknown origin. As no one could tell us whether they would recur, we decided against a third. Ironically I was the one who didn't want a third initially and had to persuade my husband. And then we made a mistake. She turned two recently and she's the light of our lives. Having said that, make sure you discuss with DH and that he agrees. Even though the mistake was entirely his doing, he tried to make me abort and I am still slightly resentful (I refused).

It's your hormones talking, not your brain. Broodiness is very very common in the few years leading to peri-menopause. The urge passes. Honestly, it sounds as though you have your hands full already with 2 children who require your full attention. How would you fit a baby into all that, and what if the new baby also has special needs? That aside, if your husband doesn't want another I don't think it's fair to try and pressure him into it.

How old are your DC? I think there's a point where they stop being babies and start looking like little people (iykwim) which makes you super broody. Keep strong and it'll pass
Obviously have as many as you want but two is a perfect number for me.

Five people is such an inconvenient number for fitting into hotel rooms, self catering holidays etc. Three in the back of the car will fight. Um I'll try and think of more. But I think hormones do that to you at this age, a last ditch bid for procreation. Put it off for six months and you will be thanking your lucky stars you didn't.

The planet doesn't need any more people. Teenagers are bloody hard work. They are also expensive.

And it's much easier to give two the input and time they need than it is with three or four (and I say that as someone with >2. Love them all, but God, it's been tiring).

I 100% agree with @formerbabe I'd love another baby but I don't want another child. I get very broody from time to time but then I remind myself of all the reasons it wouldn't be the right decision for us.

The urge is very real, you just gotta stay strong!

You'd need to buy a people carrier.
Holidays would be exorbitant.
How would you cope with the kids if you had another bad/even worse pregnancy?
Would you cope with another child with SEN? Possibly more severe SEN?

What is a hypothetical third child going to add to your life that you haven't gotten from the first two? Would you be able to cope (financially and emotionally) if you were to have another child with SEN, or with significant physical health issues? How would your existing children cope with that?

I also don't think it's right to "convince" someone to bring a child into the world that they don't genuinely want.

The SEN is a huge consideration, and we took a calculated risk with DC2 as chances of them being autistic were much higher. DH is on the spectrum at the very high functioning end, DC1 is probably in the middle somewhere - he is verbal but goes to special school. He's adored and has a wonderful life.

DC2 is a girl and shows no signs of autism at all, and believe me we would notice!

I don't know if part of me just wants another DC2, to be quite honest. It can be very difficult with DC1 and when I realised quite early that he was autistic all those things you dream of doing as a parent such as watching your fav kids film together just kind of fizzle into dust. DC2 is like my little buddy and just wants to play with me and chat to me all the time, and I want more of that. More 'normal' parenting. I'm being greedy I think.

My friend had two sons aged 4 and 2, then tried for a third baby hoping for a girl and had twin boys - so she had four boys under five!

The baby/ies' sex wouldn't bother me. But god, multiples would. Especially multiples with SEN.

Imagine a time when you've struggled juggling the needs of your two dc..then imagine looking after a baby at the same time. One of my dc has sn and I'm often juggling hospital appointments with
drop offs and pick ups of my eldest....I think dragging a baby along in a pram at the same time would tip me over the edge!

Do you really want to be talked out of it OP? My third is six months old... it’s hard work but omg I’m obsessed with her!
But I imagine my career is now dead in the water.

I think you need your strength and resources for the 2 children you already have. As children grow they get more demanding, expensive and will work on your patience in a much more sophisticated way! But we really love all that!!

You have enough to deal with, squiffyseasaw. Everyone feels broody at times but it passes. Enjoy what you have.

YABU. You should never convince anyone to have a baby. You ask their thoughts and if they say no, you drop it.

It’s unacceptable to cajole/nag someone into having a child they don’t want. It will ruin your relationship, cause resentment and the children will know.

I've got three and I love it. It's hard no doubt about it but I wouldn't change a thing

Honestly I wouldn't. I had two and then a surprise third, I wouldn't change her for the world but 3 is a lot trickier. I'm your age too, the third really aged me and wrecked my body!

Maybe you are mourning the end of the baby years rather than a desire to repeat them.

I think hormones have a lot to answer to. Do you really want to do that first year again? With two kids in tow? The sleep, the feeding, the weaning, the stage where they are into absolutely everything? With two kids in tow.

Three is lovely

You need to divide you (time energy resource) between 3 so each child gets a bit less, whether 121 time or attention from rest of family
You know full well what it's like with SEN parenting... you love the child dearly but it is extra hard
Why not enjoy the children you already have

@CoRhona

Three is lovely

Not if the third baby is unwanted by one parent it isn’t.

I think it depends on the ages of the other children.

We had two and were very happy, then had a third as an accident.

I have to admit, I cried when I found out, partly as I had just gone back to work and it was another year with no progression, but I whilst i support choice, i knew I could not abort.

The first year was tough financially and juggling three but OMG our life is complete and she is my everything. Yes holidays are expensive, and going shoe shopping / coat shopping is so expensive. But we are so happy with three.

BUT both my dh and myself were completely on board with having her (once we recovered from the shock of finding out I was pregnant) and we are both really hands on

DC2 is like my little buddy and just wants to play with me and chat to me all the time, and I want more of that. More 'normal' parenting

I absolutely get this, OP.

I have 3 DC with ASD and other SN.

It's completely normal to feel like that. But I think it's worth considering that same statement above from DC2's perspective too. By having another sibling, even one without SN, the amount of 1:1 quality time she gets with you will inevitably decrease.

The huge burden the sibling of an SN child carries shouldn't be underestimated My middle DC, who, unlike the other two, is able to follow instructions and wait his turn, has had to grow up much faster than he should have and lives in a very unfair world (different behaviour expectations, days out he's looking forward to scuppered, etc).

He would absolutely love to receive more 'normal' parenting from me, but as he has the least time-dependent support needs, he's always the last one I get to.

I get why you want another child, OP, (and even I've occasionally mused to myself what it would be like to have the mini-me I was actually expecting to have!). But I would definitely look at this from both existing DC's perspective and think very carefully.

It's very easy to focus on whether the potential DC3 might have SN, and that's obviously a major factor. But the reality of having any extra human in mix here is a huge consideration for the whole family, and only you can know your situation.

The other thing to bear in mind is how both DC's needs might increase as they get older. Hormones can wreak havoc with ASD during the teen years (and my DDs weren't even diagnosed with ASD before puberty, partly because neurodivergence often presents very differently in girls).

Of course, you can't predict everything, and anything could happen years down the line (further diagnoses, MH issues (DC or parent), loss of support network, relationship breakup, etc).

Hopefully, whatever you decide, it will all work out. But you know more than anyone that life doesn't tend to pan out the way you expect!