To ask you to talk me out of a third?

[squiffyseesaw]

We have two DC. Conceiving them was easy, carrying them v tough (I had hyperemesis all the way through both pregnancies). One emergency section, one planned.

One child has SEN (autism), one is neurotypical.

I turn 39 next week. We agreed all along to have two. After the second I got rid of all the baby stuff, overjoyed to be done with babies.

But... I want another baby.

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't. I just can't shake the urge.

I'm not going to help here, but I would say go for it. Being a sister to an autistic brother was hard work. Our eldest has some challenges and having our other two really helps balance this out, so that attention isn't always focused on her and means the other two have a playmate when we're doing things that focus on her. We also have another family whose eldest is severely autistic (non verbal) and again having a third has really helped. But as everyone else has said you both need to be on board with this and DH and I knew that there was right for us.

@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...

OP the world is already overpopulated. Why not adopt? Or foster?

To me it wouldnt fair in your neurotypical child (I'm am sen parent). I have 3 but had them all under age of 4 so didnt realise the additional needs. You already have lots to contend with but guessing your neurotypical child still misses out. My least effected child misses out because I'm pulled two ways by his sen brothers

Start by pricing up shoes for 3 teenagers (adult size but they need new ones every 6 months).

Then look at the cost of holidays for 5 rather than 4. 2 hotel rooms instead of 1.

Ok, now find out how much it costs to learn to drive and insure a new driver, multiply by 3.

Right, are you ready? University. Look how much your household income has to be before they don’t qualify for a full loan and you’re supposed to contribute £4,800 a year for 3 years, per child ...

Did that help?

Are you me? I also have 2 children. 1 with autism 1 without. I’m turning 38 next week and frankly obsessed with the idea of number 3. My dh is on the fence. The thing is i know it’s bonkers to even consider it but I also know in my heart I will always regret it if we don’t try.

I love my third. He is one. My daughter's are 7 and 4. Nothing bad about him at all. He's a beautiful, engaging baby.
But me:
Chronically exhausted
Heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant. 20 kg over pre baby weight.
Confidence gone.
Avoid people.
No life outside of childcare.
Breastfeeding all day and multiple times a night.
Aging fast (I'm 38)
Low sex drive due to overweight and exhaustion.
Sense of self mostly gone. Not sure when I'll ever get it back again.
Depressed due to all of the above.
No end in sight.

My advice: only do it with plenty of family support. I have no one besides my partner but you really need your whole extended family to help, post corona, if you want it to work out better. Two is far easier in my experience.

Mum of 3- it’s exhausting every day, dividing what free time I have to family time and individual time for each of them, it’s exhausting trying to remember everything that each child has going on and it’s exhausting trying to be supportive to each child, before covid, we literally go from one child’s activity to another's 5 days a week, it’s exhausting doing 3 of everything such as pack lunch, making beds, etc, having 3 children talking to you about different things all at once and no matter how many times I tell them one at a time, they insist on all asking me a question at the exact same time usually while I’m right in the middle of something, the cost of going out as a family or holidays, soon adds up most deals etc are 2 children 2 adults or one adult per child etc, the cost of 3 lots of new shoes at once etc, the guilt you feel when you can’t be there for one of them for something or haven’t got round to doing a certain thing for one of them because you been busy with the other I could go on but I think you got the idea I find it very tiring daily but then... one look at my DC3 and she’s absolutely worth it our family would never be without her... I don’t know if my response helped or not now

I have three, DS4 and BG twins aged 2. So two to three wasn't a choice but it is great to have the three. The dynamic is different and very positive. There's always another person iykwim.

[quote CoRhona]@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...[/quote]
She says this:

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't.

So I think she knows he doesn’t.

My youngest is 2.5 and I didn’t savour it as I always thought we’d have a 3rd. Actually going for it has been the most difficult decision ever, and I think I’m getting some closure that we won’t go for it. I think about it every day. Here are a few of the reasons I can think of NOT to:

• the environmental impact
• I adore the dynamic we have now, the boys are best buds and I would kick myself if a third ruined that
• want to prioritise the two we already have - holidays, clubs, attention, space, money
• I love my own personal space and an empty house. I have loads of interests which come with equipment, let alone husband and kids’ interests and stuff. We’d need a mansion really!
• just bought a do-er upper house
• two kids has been pretty easy overall but I think 3 might be too much. I need 2.5!

Reasons for a third:

• I just want to be pregnant and give birth again, I absolutely love it
• have loved every stage of childhood so far
• big gang back at Christmas when they’re grown up
• 2 feels quite cookie-cutter and dull from the outside, but I’m not bored with them in real life obviously

I don’t really think those are good enough reasons. Maybe my lists will help you.

I wish I could go back and cuddle my 2 babies again!!

If I could get over the environmental impact then I could probably go for a third with a big gap once new house is done and youngest at school. But I was raised with my parents telling me they had 2 kids to replace themselves on the planet, and with the way this year is going (I mean, the Australian fires were scary enough for one year right??) I don’t think I could do it in good conscience.

slothingit definitely has a point. As a sibling of someone with ASD I would have loved to have had a neurotypical sibling. I love my sibling, and we did play together but I didn't have a normal childhood and that's definitely affected me as an adult. I would also love to have someone to share the responsibility of them when my parents die, but it's all on me. It's the main reason why I had three myself.

But hotelroomforone I can totally relate to your post as well, my 3rd is the same age and this pregnancy broke me in a way that the first two didn't, I'm still recovering from the physical affects and gained a lot more weight than the other two. I think physically two was my limit.

You do have to buy a bigger car.

I recently found a lovely little holiday that'd not possible for us a the maximum occupancy is 4. Literally everything is set up for 4.

Whatever you can just about afford will become a struggle with 3.

However, I think the biggest thing for you is the risk of having another ASD child... That's a personal choice you'd need to reflect on but in terms of my first point that obviously wouldn't improve your NT child's situation.

I feel similarly. For me, DH not wanting another is the biggest thing, I would maybe go for it otherwise but logically...

• environmental impact
• I need/like time alone with my own hobbies, I'd not get that again til the baby was at nursery
• cost
• general hassle around holidays, cars etc

And like you, my oldest has SEN (dyslexia, dyspraxia and ASD - he's high fuctioning but his anxieties need a lot of talking around to manage, and he is often stroppy/huffy and struggles with friendships). He's already a lot more work than an NT child, and if I had another like him, or with less high functioning ASD, I don't think I could cope! And my youngest already misses out on attention due to the oldest.

But I understand wanting more of the NT parenting experience. I feel quite sad sometimes about what family life could have been like if DS1 didn't have his difficulties (though of course they are what make him, him, and he's great in his own way. Just a bit trying of late, and there's another 7 weeks before he's back at school...).

Ten years ago we finally decided to stick to two after always wanting three. Years down the line I don't think that sense of always wondering will ever fully go. However, I wouldn't call it full on regret. I feel now, much as I did then - I would have loved three, but two was better for us financially and healthwise. We chose head over heart. I can't say with absolute certainty that it was the right decision but it isn't something that keeps me awake at night.

@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...

She says this:

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't.

So I think she knows he doesn’t.

They agreed on two. Op thinks she may have changed her mind. She has not discussed it with her partner since the initial agreement.

They may well have both changed their minds. But we won't know until they have a conversation

I’m in a similar position with DH but our ASD (awaiting final assessment and also ADHD) child is a girl. I’d have sworn she didn’t have it until the last two years or so, she’s ten.

Youngest has dyslexia but was so much easier. I said I’d have another if they were like her, although she’s got harder as she’s got older, or it’s the dynamic between them. The risk of ASD/ADHD is just too high and worse as the parental age is greater. If you’d be happy to have another DC1 then go for it, but if that would be too much on top of the life you have now then it’s not a risk I’d take.

Plus it would be back to nappies and sleepless nights, and longer to being able to go out without a babysitter etc. Not to mention holiday difficulties, space, cost...