To ask you to talk me out of a third?

[squiffyseesaw]

We have two DC. Conceiving them was easy, carrying them v tough (I had hyperemesis all the way through both pregnancies). One emergency section, one planned.

One child has SEN (autism), one is neurotypical.

I turn 39 next week. We agreed all along to have two. After the second I got rid of all the baby stuff, overjoyed to be done with babies.

But... I want another baby.

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't. I just can't shake the urge.

[ShastaBeast]

I’m in a similar position with DH but our ASD (awaiting final assessment and also ADHD) child is a girl. I’d have sworn she didn’t have it until the last two years or so, she’s ten.

Youngest has dyslexia but was so much easier. I said I’d have another if they were like her, although she’s got harder as she’s got older, or it’s the dynamic between them. The risk of ASD/ADHD is just too high and worse as the parental age is greater. If you’d be happy to have another DC1 then go for it, but if that would be too much on top of the life you have now then it’s not a risk I’d take.

Plus it would be back to nappies and sleepless nights, and longer to being able to go out without a babysitter etc. Not to mention holiday difficulties, space, cost...

[CoRhona]

@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...

She says this:

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't.




So I think she knows he doesn’t.

They agreed on two. Op thinks she may have changed her mind. She has not discussed it with her partner since the initial agreement.

They may well have both changed their minds. But we won't know until they have a conversation

[Bebbanburger]

Ten years ago we finally decided to stick to two after always wanting three. Years down the line I don't think that sense of always wondering will ever fully go. However, I wouldn't call it full on regret. I feel now, much as I did then - I would have loved three, but two was better for us financially and healthwise. We chose head over heart. I can't say with absolute certainty that it was the right decision but it isn't something that keeps me awake at night.

[Tsarboretum]

I feel similarly. For me, DH not wanting another is the biggest thing, I would maybe go for it otherwise but logically...

• environmental impact
• I need/like time alone with my own hobbies, I'd not get that again til the baby was at nursery
• cost
• general hassle around holidays, cars etc

And like you, my oldest has SEN (dyslexia, dyspraxia and ASD - he's high fuctioning but his anxieties need a lot of talking around to manage, and he is often stroppy/huffy and struggles with friendships). He's already a lot more work than an NT child, and if I had another like him, or with less high functioning ASD, I don't think I could cope! And my youngest already misses out on attention due to the oldest.

But I understand wanting more of the NT parenting experience. I feel quite sad sometimes about what family life could have been like if DS1 didn't have his difficulties (though of course they are what make him, him, and he's great in his own way. Just a bit trying of late, and there's another 7 weeks before he's back at school...).

[Noconceptofnormal]

slothingit definitely has a point. As a sibling of someone with ASD I would have loved to have had a neurotypical sibling. I love my sibling, and we did play together but I didn't have a normal childhood and that's definitely affected me as an adult. I would also love to have someone to share the responsibility of them when my parents die, but it's all on me. It's the main reason why I had three myself.

But hotelroomforone I can totally relate to your post as well, my 3rd is the same age and this pregnancy broke me in a way that the first two didn't, I'm still recovering from the physical affects and gained a lot more weight than the other two. I think physically two was my limit.

You do have to buy a bigger car.

I recently found a lovely little holiday that'd not possible for us a the maximum occupancy is 4. Literally everything is set up for 4.

Whatever you can just about afford will become a struggle with 3.

However, I think the biggest thing for you is the risk of having another ASD child... That's a personal choice you'd need to reflect on but in terms of my first point that obviously wouldn't improve your NT child's situation.

[Phthalo]

My youngest is 2.5 and I didn’t savour it as I always thought we’d have a 3rd. Actually going for it has been the most difficult decision ever, and I think I’m getting some closure that we won’t go for it. I think about it every day. Here are a few of the reasons I can think of NOT to:

• the environmental impact
  
• I adore the dynamic we have now, the boys are best buds and I would kick myself if a third ruined that
  
• want to prioritise the two we already have - holidays, clubs, attention, space, money
  
• I love my own personal space and an empty house. I have loads of interests which come with equipment, let alone husband and kids’ interests and stuff. We’d need a mansion really!
  
• just bought a do-er upper house
  
• two kids has been pretty easy overall but I think 3 might be too much. I need 2.5!
  

Reasons for a third:

• I just want to be pregnant and give birth again, I absolutely love it
  
• have loved every stage of childhood so far
  
• big gang back at Christmas when they’re grown up
  
• 2 feels quite cookie-cutter and dull from the outside, but I’m not bored with them in real life obviously
  

I don’t really think those are good enough reasons. Maybe my lists will help you.

I wish I could go back and cuddle my 2 babies again!!

If I could get over the environmental impact then I could probably go for a third with a big gap once new house is done and youngest at school. But I was raised with my parents telling me they had 2 kids to replace themselves on the planet, and with the way this year is going (I mean, the Australian fires were scary enough for one year right??) I don’t think I could do it in good conscience.

[heartsonacake]

[quote CoRhona]@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...[/quote]
She says this:

I don't think DH will. But maybe I can convince him? I probably shouldn't.

So I think she knows he doesn’t.

[villainousbroodmare]

I have three, DS4 and BG twins aged 2. So two to three wasn't a choice but it is great to have the three. The dynamic is different and very positive. There's always another person iykwim.

[Makesmilingyourbesthobby]

Mum of 3- it’s exhausting every day, dividing what free time I have to family time and individual time for each of them, it’s exhausting trying to remember everything that each child has going on and it’s exhausting trying to be supportive to each child, before covid, we literally go from one child’s activity to another's 5 days a week, it’s exhausting doing 3 of everything such as pack lunch, making beds, etc, having 3 children talking to you about different things all at once and no matter how many times I tell them one at a time, they insist on all asking me a question at the exact same time usually while I’m right in the middle of something, the cost of going out as a family or holidays, soon adds up most deals etc are 2 children 2 adults or one adult per child etc, the cost of 3 lots of new shoes at once etc, the guilt you feel when you can’t be there for one of them for something or haven’t got round to doing a certain thing for one of them because you been busy with the other I could go on but I think you got the idea I find it very tiring daily but then... one look at my DC3 and she’s absolutely worth it our family would never be without her... I don’t know if my response helped or not now

[HotelRoomforOne]

I love my third. He is one. My daughter's are 7 and 4. Nothing bad about him at all. He's a beautiful, engaging baby.
But me:
Chronically exhausted
Heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant. 20 kg over pre baby weight.
Confidence gone.
Avoid people.
No life outside of childcare.
Breastfeeding all day and multiple times a night.
Aging fast (I'm 38)
Low sex drive due to overweight and exhaustion.
Sense of self mostly gone. Not sure when I'll ever get it back again.
Depressed due to all of the above.
No end in sight.

My advice: only do it with plenty of family support. I have no one besides my partner but you really need your whole extended family to help, post corona, if you want it to work out better. Two is far easier in my experience.

[Dinosaursdontgrowontrees]

Are you me? I also have 2 children. 1 with autism 1 without. I’m turning 38 next week and frankly obsessed with the idea of number 3. My dh is on the fence. The thing is i know it’s bonkers to even consider it but I also know in my heart I will always regret it if we don’t try.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Start by pricing up shoes for 3 teenagers (adult size but they need new ones every 6 months).

Then look at the cost of holidays for 5 rather than 4. 2 hotel rooms instead of 1.

Ok, now find out how much it costs to learn to drive and insure a new driver, multiply by 3.

Right, are you ready? University. Look how much your household income has to be before they don’t qualify for a full loan and you’re supposed to contribute £4,800 a year for 3 years, per child ...

Did that help?

[Waveysnail]

To me it wouldnt fair in your neurotypical child (I'm am sen parent). I have 3 but had them all under age of 4 so didnt realise the additional needs. You already have lots to contend with but guessing your neurotypical child still misses out. My least effected child misses out because I'm pulled two ways by his sen brothers

[Immigrantsong]

OP the world is already overpopulated. Why not adopt? Or foster?

[CoRhona]

@heartsonacake yes but to be fair, op doesn't know that yet...

[slothingit]

I'm not going to help here, but I would say go for it. Being a sister to an autistic brother was hard work. Our eldest has some challenges and having our other two really helps balance this out, so that attention isn't always focused on her and means the other two have a playmate when we're doing things that focus on her. We also have another family whose eldest is severely autistic (non verbal) and again having a third has really helped. But as everyone else has said you both need to be on board with this and DH and I knew that there was right for us.

[LonginesPrime]

DC2 is like my little buddy and just wants to play with me and chat to me all the time, and I want more of that. More 'normal' parenting

I absolutely get this, OP.

I have 3 DC with ASD and other SN.

It's completely normal to feel like that. But I think it's worth considering that same statement above from DC2's perspective too. By having another sibling, even one without SN, the amount of 1:1 quality time she gets with you will inevitably decrease.

The huge burden the sibling of an SN child carries shouldn't be underestimated My middle DC, who, unlike the other two, is able to follow instructions and wait his turn, has had to grow up much faster than he should have and lives in a very unfair world (different behaviour expectations, days out he's looking forward to scuppered, etc).

He would absolutely love to receive more 'normal' parenting from me, but as he has the least time-dependent support needs, he's always the last one I get to.

I get why you want another child, OP, (and even I've occasionally mused to myself what it would be like to have the mini-me I was actually expecting to have!). But I would definitely look at this from both existing DC's perspective and think very carefully.

It's very easy to focus on whether the potential DC3 might have SN, and that's obviously a major factor. But the reality of having any extra human in mix here is a huge consideration for the whole family, and only you can know your situation.

The other thing to bear in mind is how both DC's needs might increase as they get older. Hormones can wreak havoc with ASD during the teen years (and my DDs weren't even diagnosed with ASD before puberty, partly because neurodivergence often presents very differently in girls).

Of course, you can't predict everything, and anything could happen years down the line (further diagnoses, MH issues (DC or parent), loss of support network, relationship breakup, etc).

Hopefully, whatever you decide, it will all work out. But you know more than anyone that life doesn't tend to pan out the way you expect!

[1neverending]

I think it depends on the ages of the other children.

We had two and were very happy, then had a third as an accident.

I have to admit, I cried when I found out, partly as I had just gone back to work and it was another year with no progression, but I whilst i support choice, i knew I could not abort.

The first year was tough financially and juggling three but OMG our life is complete and she is my everything. Yes holidays are expensive, and going shoe shopping / coat shopping is so expensive. But we are so happy with three.

BUT both my dh and myself were completely on board with having her (once we recovered from the shock of finding out I was pregnant) and we are both really hands on

[heartsonacake]

@CoRhona

Three is lovely

Not if the third baby is unwanted by one parent it isn’t.

[Bowchicawow]

You need to divide you (time energy resource) between 3 so each child gets a bit less, whether 121 time or attention from rest of family
You know full well what it's like with SEN parenting... you love the child dearly but it is extra hard
Why not enjoy the children you already have

[CoRhona]

Three is lovely

[ChipsyChopsy]

Maybe you are mourning the end of the baby years rather than a desire to repeat them.

I think hormones have a lot to answer to. Do you really want to do that first year again? With two kids in tow? The sleep, the feeding, the weaning, the stage where they are into absolutely everything? With two kids in tow.

[ItsSpittingEverybodyIn]

Honestly I wouldn't. I had two and then a surprise third, I wouldn't change her for the world but 3 is a lot trickier. I'm your age too, the third really aged me and wrecked my body!

[ballsdeep]

I've got three and I love it. It's hard no doubt about it but I wouldn't change a thing