To feel I'm not cut out to be a mum

[helpamummaout]

Not sure of the point to this message but I suppose just talking to others who understand will help, also posted in multiple births but no reply as of yet.
I work for the nhs in CT/MRI , 26 hours per week, the rest of the time in lockdown with the twins. Partner is working from home and also looking after our 2.5 year old twin girls the days I'm at work with us having no childcare.
I'd been doing ok coping until last week when it felt like a volcano of emotions erupting inside of me and I've felt so depressed since.
We are exhausted, up with the girls lots in the night and sometimes (like today) they get up at 4am. Obviously due to lockdown we are missing the little bit of family support that we did have.
I should be hearing about some counselling through work this week, but suppose I just needed to vent before then.
I've got constant anxiety and feel like I'm trapped. Always snapping at the girls , then feeling guilty for doing it. I'm just finding this age so so tough. They don't listen, constantly pushing buttons and boundaries. (Sorry for anyone reading with younger twins, I used to hate reading things like this when mine were younger) thanks for reading if you got this far

you are doing the best you can, a lot of us are feeling like this with 1 toddler, let alone 2, I can't imagine!
I hope that the counselling comes through soon for you, but please know that you are doing a great job and there will be an end to all of this x

Thank you so much. They are just relentless at the moment, all I feel I do is shout and count down the hours until bedtime. Some part of me feels I need to be off work the other wants me to keep going because it's a break. Hope you are coping ok x

None of us are cut out for looking after toddlers under lockdown, let alone two at once. Normally you'd be able to take them out, run off enough energy that they have a nap, give them more variety so theyre not having to get it all by pushing the boundaries at home, meet other parents, realise others are in the same boat. Most of us found chickenpox lockdown bad enough, and that was only a week or two.

Maybe you feel your partner is coping better than you, but we're all different, and kids respond to different parents at different times anyway. Sometimes mine has been much cooperative for her dad than for me, sometimes the other way around - don't assume it will always be the same. If he's coping better than you at the moment, just be glad!

Don't be afraid to relax rules on screentime if you're exhausted - it won't kill them, and it might give you a bit of a break.

Is there any family that could have the girls overnight for you? To give you a break. I think mental health should be priority over lockdown.

In my opinion it's not you, it's the situation, plus 2 year old twins which are frankly the worst thing ever. ( I know, I have twin girls also) I was a fairly awesome mother of a singleton( she's 18 years older) but a crap mother of twins, or felt like it. It's made me feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood on a regular basis! They are 3.5 now and it all feels better.

He was doing better than me up until last week, or so I thought, when it all came out that he's really struggling too but has been bottling up, so that was a whole new situation in itself which we are dealing with.
Chickenpox in lockdown must of been hard!

That's good to know @Bubbletrouble43 ! I used to think I'd be a great mum and have the patience of a saint , now that's laughable. For the first time since lockdown my sister had the girls for a few hours Saturday so we could just have a rest, we've tried so hard to stick to the rules and have done up until then, but like you say, mental health has to be a priority now I think. Will try and get a date in where my sister can have the girls overnight.

Sounds like you are doing a good job. I've two similar ages and it's exhausting and relentless. One of mine is just gone 3 and is a lot easier than 2.5 if that helps!!

Yes that deffo helps!
The face they stopped napping before lockdown couldn't of happened at a worse time either! They are always shattered but won't sleep

Fact*

You need to try and factor in an hour or two of 'me time', each day and make it non negotiable time that's purely for you, on your own, either out for a walk or a run or in the bath with the door locked, a magazine, candles and some lovely smellies.
Just having something to look forward to that's yours and not anyone else's will give you the little boost you need right now.
And keep you sane

I also have 2.5 year old twins OP, it’s SO tough right now. I’m not sure if it’s their age or lockdown, probs both, but I’m finding it really hard. I’m furloughed so doing all childcare and I am so envious of my dh who locks himself away all day to work. I would love just one day locked in a room on my own. So you’re not alone! If it helps I spoke to a friend earlier with 3 year old twins and she said it’s much easier at that age.

Wish I had the time @pallasathena , it would be lovely. The girls are up between 4am-6.30am then it's all go with them up until 7pm, then a case of making our tea and tidying round then bedtime x

I think it's a mixture of both isn't it @Rocksandstones , they really are just so full on at the moment and each activity I try they just get bored of straight away, I'm constantly exhausted. That makes me feel a lot better, like there's light at the end of the tunnel x

Twins are a totally different ball game to siblings of different ages and God knows they are tough enough! They seem to egg each other on, wake each other up and compete for everything. When siblings play fight the older one usually cuts the younger one a bit of slack. Twins = fight to the death. And you work in NHS during a pandemic. No one on god's green earth would be finding that anything other than difficult.

Let me get you a cup of tea, slice of cake and a parenting award. 🏆

No matter how much you think you are failing I guarantee the twins don't think that. You are their world.

@Summerhouse
Fabulous post, I agree with every point. Especially the fighting to the death.

@Rocksandstones your friend is right. Mine are 3.5 and so much better. I am so grateful this lockdown didn't occur a year ago when they were 2.5... We were having our garden done too and it was unusable for spring. I shudder to think how I would have coped. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have. It would all have been extremely ugly.

@SummerHouse your post just made me cry, thank you so much.
The fighting to the death is so true, constantly biting, nipping or scratching each other over the smallest things.
I really don't know how I'd if coped without our garden, feel for parents without. I think I've felt so bad this last week because of the weather, so thanking my lucky stars it's been good for the most part. Can't even just go for a walk with them on my own incase they run in opposite directions near a road or get tired then they both want carrying. Really nice to hear from some other twin mums. Obviously I know all parenting is hard though x

Op I know the running away thing! I highly recommend backpack reins, they are a lifechanger! I still use mine on my 3.5 year olds, and I don't care what anyone thinks.

Oh yeah we do have them actually , they are great! I will just have to keep trying with them and hope they can walk longer distances without wanting to be carried. Just got them down to bed sigh x

Right then, feet up as soon as poss, picking up the most treaty thing in the kitchen en route xxx

Parenting high five to you helpamummaout you got them to bed and it's only 7.15!!! You have totally sold yourself short here as you are clearly a mothering guru.

Exactly peach or all the treaty things in the kitchen

Lockdown with small people is tough. All of my friends that are working while also looking after toddlers are a bit broken and at this age I think two is definitely more than double the work. I found with my eldest that 21/2 to 3 was a big jump in maturity and then 3-31/2 was delightful before she turned into a stroppy threenger just before lockdown. Can you look at childcare options? My nursery hasn’t opened and I’ve recently found an alternative for my eldest. She’s been much happier for it.

Every day, OP. Every day I feel like this.
Somehow bumble thru, anyway.