To feel I'm not cut out to be a mum

[helpamummaout]

Not sure of the point to this message but I suppose just talking to others who understand will help, also posted in multiple births but no reply as of yet.
I work for the nhs in CT/MRI , 26 hours per week, the rest of the time in lockdown with the twins. Partner is working from home and also looking after our 2.5 year old twin girls the days I'm at work with us having no childcare.
I'd been doing ok coping until last week when it felt like a volcano of emotions erupting inside of me and I've felt so depressed since.
We are exhausted, up with the girls lots in the night and sometimes (like today) they get up at 4am. Obviously due to lockdown we are missing the little bit of family support that we did have.
I should be hearing about some counselling through work this week, but suppose I just needed to vent before then.
I've got constant anxiety and feel like I'm trapped. Always snapping at the girls , then feeling guilty for doing it. I'm just finding this age so so tough. They don't listen, constantly pushing buttons and boundaries. (Sorry for anyone reading with younger twins, I used to hate reading things like this when mine were younger) thanks for reading if you got this far

Yes that's exactly it, I spend most the day shouting and snapping then lay in bed at night feeling guilty! We've actually had a lovely day today and been for a picnic, the weather been nicer makes everything a lot easier! X

Bloody hell OP , Mary Poppins would struggle under your circumstances!

I have no advice except things will get easier soon x

Hey I just want you to know you're not alone. I haven't got twins but I have a 3 yo and a 1yo. My eldest has ASD and my youngest is an absolute handful. It's tough going. I'm doing what I can just to minimise my son's meltdowns (only started after lockdown as well).

Please cut yourself some slack. Kids are not supposed to be in so much for this long a time. They're supposed to be out, running around, climbing, playing. They're also probably picking up on your anxieties as well. This isn't forever, just do what you can to get through the day. Keep muddling through doing what you have to

Aw thanks so much to you both.
That must be really tough @Lostinbooksandcoffee , a lot to deal with anyway especially in lockdown. It just seems to make everything so much harder doesn't it.
I'm hoping when the bad weather returns my bad mood doesn't come with it. Really think I have that seasonal depression , either that or a manic depressive lol!

Just wanted to extend some sympathy, I have one the same age and he's a rotter.

(Buy a Gro clock)

Haha they are hard work aren't they! I have a gro clock, they pay about as much attention to that as they do to me when I'm telling them not to flick Spag Bol up the walls x

You sound like all the parents I've spoken to recently, and I include myself in that. It's bloody hard right now, relentless. You are keeping them safe and fed, and no doubt a lot inbetween. Be kind to yourself, you are doing better than you are letting yourself think. Hopefully the lockdown will be over soon

Another really bad day here. things are so much easier when the weathers dry and we can go out spent the last hour crying x

An hour of tantrums at bedtime. Absolutely at a loss and don't know how much more I can cope. Taken them to the seaside all day thinking it will tire them out and be great for them to get out, been a pretty nice day, some stressful parts here and there which you expect. Now this. Now I'm sat in tears , feeling like shit wondering why my other half seems to manage it all better than me.

Anyone got any tips on separation anxiety . We are now going through this asif things weren't bad enough I can't even go for a wee or try do any cleaning without massive meltdowns. Going to self refer for some counselling today I think. Never felt so low.

It’s a difficult time for everyone OP. You’re not a bad mum, we’re all in the same boat. My DC are bouncing off the walls and we can’t go out like we normally would. Libraries and play centres are closed, parks and tourist attractions are closed, we are literally going nuts. There’s no childcare from grandma any more, which is what I relied on for the occasional break. I have to cook every meal because we haven’t been able to eat out and still don’t feel safe doing so. My 2.5yo has suddenly become the devil personified and we can’t even play in the garden because he pretends to be a giraffe and eats poisonous plants. Unfortunately at that age they just want to be glued to you and there’s not much you can do except wait for the phase to pass.

I’m sorry I don’t know about twins but I do know about counselling and I really think you should make that call today. Everybody is at the end of their tether right now and if you can get access to talking therapy grab it with both hands. Self care is essential not an indulgence. Please do it. to you - can your family jump in and help this weekend?

I've already sent an email referral for myself this morning, so hopefully hear from them soon.
My sister is the only person that can help at the minute really, DP's parents still shielding for the time being so no childcare still. I'll message my sister today see if she is free at the weekend.
I wanted to take the dog out for a long walk this morning but as soon as I started getting ready they screamed the place down and were screaming for daddy to walk the dog. I just gave in and stayed. I know they would be fine if I leave them but it's a horrible feeling leaving them inconsolable.

Do you have puddlesuits for them? I used to go out in the rain when I had 2 toddlers (not twins). I found pushing hard to get out in the morning, whatever the weather, made the rest of the day better. You can use swings in the park in the rain with puddlesuits too, the slide is a bit fast though.

Don't be afraid of antidepressants if you're not coping, they made a massive difference to me. Take all the short cuts you can at the moment. CBeebies, fish fingers and chips, DC in bed with you at 4am and back to sleep. Basically, whatever gets you through.

Yeah we go out every single day to keep busy now we have a bit more freedom. As you know though that in itself can be exhausting x

Good glad you sent the email. But with the dog walking situation next time that happens you need to harden your heart and say “sorry my loves, mummy needs to do her exercise, we’ll have cuddles when I’m back” and just GO. You need that walk to stay balanced and sane and able to respond to the screaming later. Yes short term pain and you feel like a meanie, but on the contrary, it’s the right thing to do if it helps to keep yourself going. Burning yourself out won’t do anyone any good.

If the sleep is still challenging, could you afford a sleep consultant? I paid when pregnant with no 2 and on my knees. It was SO worth it.

I loved the toddler stage, but then I only had one at a time and mine used to sleep all night. You must be exhausted and I don't blame you for getting snappy. I think a good night's sleep is probably what you need rather than counselling, but I do hope you get some benefit from therapy. Until then don't be too hard on yourself and good luck

Lockdown really pushes most parents to the brink, you are really not alone. It has been months and months now, and everyone is just exhausted. Note to self: No one, absolutely no one is talking about sourdough and baking anymore. We are all just trying to get to the end of the day. So please don't think this is all you, and you have failed somehow. The situation is impossible.

In your position I would be looking for paid childcare, I would find a way to afford it, and those little ones will be going to a childminder or similar for a few mornings/afternoons a week as a bare minimum. Don't wait until you are broken, just do it now. Ring round and find someone that come to you, babysitter so that you can rest and catch up on some sleep. The only way you are going to get through this. They will be fine, you not so much. Look after you op.

Can you also factor in PJ mornings, no going out, put up a tent and put some snacks in there and leave them to it. I think you are doing too much trying to wear them out.

I go out because it's easier than staying in, and I feel a bit more normal trying to paint a smile on my face when we meet people. I'm hoping DPs mum will be able to help out next month when they come out of shielding.
Hopefully the counselling will come through soon, I just feel angry at everyone.

They sit and watch tv whilst I'm there but it's when I leave the room. So I can't get anything done because they just scream at me.

Op I just wanted to sympathize, and say nobody would cope well with these conditions, it is relentless, exhausting and just too much.
So you're doing great just to be still doing it!
My twins are 5 now, and it is still hard work, but soooo much better than when they were two. They sleep till 7.30 now-it used to be 5am with lots of waking through the night. And they play together, sine they were 3 and a few months.
So easier times are coming, if you can just hang in there

Thank you so much @Sunnyrainshowers . Yeah it's all just taken it's toll now I think. X