To feel I'm not cut out to be a mum

[helpamummaout]

Not sure of the point to this message but I suppose just talking to others who understand will help, also posted in multiple births but no reply as of yet.
I work for the nhs in CT/MRI , 26 hours per week, the rest of the time in lockdown with the twins. Partner is working from home and also looking after our 2.5 year old twin girls the days I'm at work with us having no childcare.
I'd been doing ok coping until last week when it felt like a volcano of emotions erupting inside of me and I've felt so depressed since.
We are exhausted, up with the girls lots in the night and sometimes (like today) they get up at 4am. Obviously due to lockdown we are missing the little bit of family support that we did have.
I should be hearing about some counselling through work this week, but suppose I just needed to vent before then.
I've got constant anxiety and feel like I'm trapped. Always snapping at the girls , then feeling guilty for doing it. I'm just finding this age so so tough. They don't listen, constantly pushing buttons and boundaries. (Sorry for anyone reading with younger twins, I used to hate reading things like this when mine were younger) thanks for reading if you got this far

Aww thank you! I will enjoy it before they are up again. I've got a kitkat and a hot choc with my name on it!!
We've briefly spoken about nursery but the costs are so high it would take the majority of my wage to have them in nursery. So now it's a case of weighing up the pros and cons, as we are trying to save for a mortgage for a bigger house!
It makes me feel a lot better to know I'm not alone feeling like this! X

I completely sympathise, sleep training is bloody impossible with two as they wake each other up - my two were up super early at that age too and we used to spend every night until 8-9pm trying to get them to sleep. At which point, we’d eat and go straight to sleep, ready for the night wakes... And THEN up at 4.30am. I felt like I was always doing such a crap job at home and at work because I was so tired. Mine are now 4 and we have turned such a corner this past year. No more bedtime battles (or rarely...) and up between 6-7 every day. Makes such a difference. You are doing an amazing job, it gets better! Just keep telling yourself - it gets better!! This too will pass!

Thank you @Applesarenice ! Exactly how I feel! The frustrating thing is they've slept amazingly from 10 months old until we went into lockdown. I'm not sure if it's some kind of anxiety or what but they just wake up screaming for us. I'm so exhausted all the time then have 2x 12 hours shifts in a row to do on my feet. Hoping things will get easier as lockdown eases and we can go more places again. They are so bored of all the same activities

Been up about 12 times in the night with the girls I'm exhausted and now have a 12 hour shift to do. Has anyone got any tips I can try to help. No idea why the keep waking up x

Oh lovely I'm so sorry. Coffee was my friend on days like this. You're a bloody hero. Remember it won't be like this forever. Are they too hot? I've started leaving pj's off mine, it's hot at night here.

Oh wow OP you have really made me think - my friend has got 2.5 year,old twinngirls and l keep saying to her l wish my dd was still that age as she wouldn't have a clue about the pandemic etc and would have someone to play with. Hasn't occurred to me she might be having any of the issues you described so today l am going to contact her to see if she is ok as l know she is also working hard in a school. Hope your day goes well today xxx

I found that SUCH a hard age, and that was with just one and not during lockdown. It doesn’t mean you’re not cut out to be a Mum, it makes you very normal!

I can't even imagine how hard it must be OP. My partner and I are struggling with one much younger toddler, we're both exhausted and I have definitely been feeling depressed. I'm not keeping up with my work and I am definitely not being a good parent - at least not up to the standards I expect of myself.

I don't know what to suggest, but you're not alone.

I feel your pain! I have a 12 year old and boy/girl twins who are 3.5. Life was much easier before lockdown (but still really tough). I work for the NHS and do 30hrs WFH and office work and my partner is currently WFH. I find being out at work much easier but have tremendous guilt when I return as my partner looks at the end of his tether. The twins had just moved from private nursery to school nursery and had upped there hours to 30 free a week. Depending on their birthday you might be entitled soon. Are there any school nursery's around near you, if so apply for a place. Sometimes having something to aim for makes life less stressful.

If your a member of the twin trust they do a really useful online webinar about sleep and twins. I've also rang their helpline before as I've really struggled to cope on some occasions. It felt nice to unload to people who had been there. My boy twin has always been an awful sleeper and disturbs his sister but after he hit 3 he drastically improved. We use black out blinds and white noise running in the background. Like you we're looking at moving as we need more space and have had to delay with the cost of nursery etc. Think the space issue has made the lockdown situation worse!!

I can't comment on your situation but your use of the word 'relentless' resonants with me. I have used that word lots recently and my situation is easier than yours. (My two are 4 and 1 and we both work part time). Do whatever gets you through. Can you instigate an afternoon 'rest' e.g. watching TV, going for a drive? I'd grab what opportunities you can for a chance of scene e.g. a walk round the block alone. Sometimes you can be too tired to want to but it can help. I'm not going to comment on sleep as I'm definitely no expert there! Other than to say are they tired enough physically and mentally by bedtime? Sometimes doing a mental challenge e.g. puzzles helps tire mine out.

At 3 will your girls be entitled to the 30hrs childcare? In which case if you looked into nurseries now it would only be such a large chunk of your wage for a couple of months?

Re the 30 hours childcare, its not as soon as they turn 3. Its all about timing. A friend who's daughter was born late April had to wait until the September and my dB has an August born dc who won't get the hours till Jan. My twins were early December so I got them Jan too when they were 3 yrs 1 month.

That's a really tough situation but it will get so much better. Just do whatever gets you through the next few months, ipad, netflix, chocolate x

Op I was just wondering if you have any leave that you might be able to take?
Just thought it may take the pressure of you even if its just a week??.

OP Don't feel guilty this age is challenging at the best of times yet alone with twins in a pandemic. My DD was a very easy child but I had days that i couldn't wait for DH to come in from work just for a break. It can be relentless as this age. My friend has twins, boy and a girl, and when ever I saw her they were either cuddling or fighting. Be kind to yourself raising children is hard work and lack of sleep is so tough.

If they've stopped napping like mine have I've found on days they are tired and cranky after lunch we all climb into a makeshift bed on their floor, pull the blackout blind down and listen to audio books on my phone. One of them usually drops off to sleep which is a bonus but whatever happens I get to lie down for an hour 😀

Similar situation here, 2 under 4s and no naps between them. Both of us still shift working out of home but no family to help as before so we're having to swap shifts and juggle our time more.
I've also started counselling recently (the feelings of being trapped are so familiar) and it has helped, mainly by having somewhere I can vent for a full hour at a time! The last few weeks I've started going for a 30 min jog or walk every now and then too. I'm not getting stuck into couch to 5k or anything like that, just going out for a break. Its really hard not having any alone time isn't it. I dont even like running but I cant get any alone time in the house so I'm having to go out for it.
Can your husband take the kids out on a long walk at the weekend so that you can have a rest? I'd be tempted to get him on childcare duties during his lunch break if he has one so that you can go and lie down for a minute / read / stare into space for a bit!
We also found that splitting the kids up helped with the 'naughtiness' at the start of lockdown. We each took 1 kid on a walk in separate directions, so they had a bit of one on one time with a parent.
I'm having to remember to look at myself like I'm the third toddler at the moment - sounds silly but tiredness, hunger and thirst really ramp up my irritability levels so keeping myself fed and watered is actually helping reduce the anxiety a bit.

I think she would really appreciate that @Fishfingersandwichplease she must be really struggling too. Every age is difficult for different reasons isn't it x

Thank you so much for the replies everyone!! I'm replying on my phone so a bit difficult so hope I answer everything.
I'm looking at booking some hols for a little bit of respite. The announcement yesterday has made me feel a little better, going to plan for my sister to have the girls overnight so that will be something to look forward to.
My partner does come and help on his lunch break but as you can imagine it's still full on sorting all our lunches out in that time then he's back to work in a blink.
I'm a member of TAMBA so I'm going to have a look into their sleep support, I really feel we get no support off the local council, I can't remember the last time anyone came to visit to check the girls progress of anything, luckily I'm not worried about anything but still.
It really is nice to know I'm not on my own, I freely admit we have watched more TV than ever at the moment but I'm ok with that. Hope everyone else who is struggling start finding things a bit easier now too. Really appreciate all your comments , it's nice to talk about it x

Sorry this is a tough time for you but you know what, from your last post I just absolutely know that you will be ok.

OP,
You are amazing, twins and working and up at night.

The one thing I would say to you would be hold off on the holiday.

It might seem like a break but with two young children away from their stuff, new place to watch them, it can actually be absolutely hellish.

I would look at that money and think what can I do to make a staycation break.

Could you take the vhildren out for some little trips for a couple of hours, then come home and treat yourself to a lovely takeaway.

Could you do the day trips and have family/pay a babysitter for some evening babysitting offers.

Also some daytime babysitting so ye could have a lunchtime meal.

Toddlers have no idea where they are and often prefer to know their surroundings.

They also sleep better in their own beds.

I'd focus on making the holiday about you and your husband having some lovely treats of meals and breaks.

Ye really deserve it

Thank you @SummerHouse I'm feeling a lot better mentally than what I have in a few weeks. The weather always helps as it makes life easier when I can just take them out in the pram for a breather x

Thanks @billy1966 ! Sorry I mean holiday as in holidays from work, just booking annual leave I meant lol, not planning on going anywhere in the current situation. X

👍...definitely worth asking family and good friends if they would give ye a break.

Oh I feel for you op. I have a nearly 2 year old son (also a 5 and 7yr old) and I am struggling so much with the toddler! It’s frustrating as usually this is my favourite age. They’re so much fun and I love watching them discover/learn. But he is stuck at home every day fighting for attention from me by being naughty and destructive. I end up getting really cross with him which is unfair as he is only a toddler who wants me to play, but I also have to home school and look after the house. I honestly can’t imagine having two of him!! Everyone is doing the best they can, just do what you need to get by and use your sister to help out where you can. You’re not a crap mum because crap mums don’t even worry about it!