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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH about weight loss surgery

67 replies

WhimsyWoo · 22/06/2020 14:45

I have a few debts at the moment but relatively substantial inheritance on the way as soon as I sell a few properties part of the estate (amount confirmed by the probate solicitor).

I mentioned to DH that I'm thinking about weight loss surgery, I'm deeply unhappy with myself and extremely/morbidly overweight I'd lost a few stone around the time I was pregnant and was the smallest I'd been in a few years after I'd had my DD but I believe I had mild postnatal depression as I found it extremely hard to go out alone with DD (who had health issues that went unidentified for many months).

I've had issues my entire adult life and j want this change I want to kick-start the process as I know it's look and gruelling, even if it's getting finance to do it asap and paying this off when the sales go through. I can really feel it health wise at the moment and was extremely ill with Covid, I really need a drastic change to ensure I'm around for my child and be more active than I can be now. I know the reasons I'm overweight and I'm confident that I'd be dedicated to not getting back to where I am now.

DH is extremely against me doing this now, wants us to move and settle into a house for at least a couple of months before I make any choices. That being said, he isn't entirely supportive of it. I'd lost nearly 5 stone when I met him and put it all back on as his eating habits weren't great but in hindsight that was my own responsibility. Regardless, he has mentioned he doesn't see why I want to do it as I don't need to change and I strongly suspect that's because he's always known me to be overweight and thinks I'd perhaps I'd change in more ways than one.

My AIBU is this, not a question about whether you believe in people having weight loss surgery, but whether to do it asap or wait?

YABU - wait, my DH is right
YANBU - do it as soon as I can

OP posts:

whogoncheckmeBoo · 22/06/2020 14:53

YANBU

If you had said your husband is only worried about surgery and things that could go wrong I would feel different. But given what you said about him knowing you as an overweight person and that you might ‘change’ I would say go for it (as soon as it is safe to do so in the current climate).

It sounds to me like you are changing as a person, you’ve had a shit time, and your outlook has changed. You want to be healthier and make a change for the better. You now have the opportunity- grab it with both hands and do what you need to do.

Do you think if you lose weight and take control of what you do next your relationship with your husband might suffer?

Calic0 · 22/06/2020 15:00

You strongly suspect but you don’t know - there could be a lot of reasons why your DH is opposed to this, not least because it bears a certain degree of risk and is often unsuccessful in the long run.

Also, if the inheritance money is dependent on selling parts of the estate surely you have no real idea of timescales as to when you will actually see the cold, hard cash. If it really is only a few months then I don’t see the harm in waiting, not only for the money itself but also so you can spend more time discussing it with you husband and trying to unpack his issues a bit. He is entitled to be concerned that you want to do this to yourself especially since it will have an impact on family life (with regards family meals, for example).

hamstersarse · 22/06/2020 15:04

YABU

As weight loss surgery is a horrendous way to lose weight - ruins your long term health and longevity.

YANBU if you used the money to employ your own personal nutritionist

WinterAndRoughWeather · 22/06/2020 15:10

Agree with pp about spending the money on a personal trainer / nutritionist. Surgery is such a dangerous way to do it and has long term impacts on your lifestyle.

If it’s a substantial amount of money can you afford to take some time off and go on something like a weight loss / health sabbatical? Get a PT who won’t let you skive sessions etc.

I would also wait until the money was in the bank - how long is it likely to be?

GinDaddyRedux · 22/06/2020 15:37

I know the reasons for being overweight

If you know the reasons, then is surgery the answer so to speak? What are the reasons, and are there any alternatives you've considered?

EllaAlright · 22/06/2020 15:53

You’re brave for posting on here about weight loss surgery!

I would do it as soon as you can, if you’ve really thought about it and are ready for it mentally, it isn’t an easy road. I’ve had a gastric sleeve and am at my target weight now, 9 months post procedure. I’ve had no issues, and have never been healthier.

I’m sure I’m in the minority here though! Feel free to PM me if you like.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/06/2020 16:10

Do it as soon as you can.

I did.

What I spent on surgery I saved on food/snacks/cafe's/takeaways/etc, so within a year, the credit card was paid off anyway.

Sparklesocks · 22/06/2020 16:21

I would just say make sure you going in knowing everything you can, a friend of mine did it and she lost a lot of weight quickly but all food makes her nauseous and sometimes actually physically sick even 2 years on. Eating meals is a complete ordeal and it’s ruined food, and when she goes out to restaurants etc with friends and family.

Not saying this to be preachy and I know you can make your own decisions, just letting you know it can be very difficult on the other side.

Burpalot · 22/06/2020 16:26

Do it do it do it. I had WLS a year ago and never been happier or healthier. My DP was against it too. Totally didn't get it. DPs can be almost as judgemental and ill informed as posters on Mumsnet. Go for it and do it soon. Once you've decided you want it done most people want it asap.

Burpalot · 22/06/2020 16:30

Why do posters think the surgery is dangerous? It's a simple op you have done by an experienced surgeon. Being 10 stone overweight was way more dangerous for me. Afterwards you eat better, take your vitamins and see your doctor for your B12 injections. It's brilliant! OP don't listen to posters going on about diet and exercise. If that worked for you you'd have done it already!!! But DO NOT have the band. Gastric sleeve all the way

NewName89 · 22/06/2020 16:32

Surgery has a lot of side effects and doesn't address the core issue. If my DP would be thinking about it, I would actively encourage him to try something else, it's an awful way to lose weight. Many people who have the surgery manage to find ways to eat loads and purge or slowly eat more and more food. Have you thought about using that money for a personal trainer and some diet advice?

EllaAlright · 22/06/2020 16:32

Yes, I agree, steer clear of the band. High complication and failure rates.

oralengineer · 22/06/2020 16:34

I have known a number of people have weight loss surgery ( as health professional) not one of them has managed to lose the weight permanently. I suspect investing your money in good counselling to work out your problem with food and trainer/ dietician.
I have recently got to grips with my weight and lost 10kg. My problem is/was stress related. The chronic stress of running my own business led to lack of time to eat healthily. I’ve sold my business and now working PT. The weight loss has been easy!
Finding what triggers the eating response is key.

VeggieSausageRoll · 22/06/2020 16:38

YANBU to want to do it, but YABU to think it's going to be a magic fix.

You'd be far better off using some of the money to pay for private therapy to work out the psychological reasons behind your eating and weight. Surgery doesn't fix the cause and so many people end up back where they started.

vanillandhoney · 22/06/2020 16:39

Weight loss surgery carries a lot of risks and is no guarantee you'll successfully keep the weight off long-term.

I've watched a few American supersize-style programmes and the biggest thing the surgeons recommend is therapy. Is that an option for you at first? It could help you explore your relationship with food and maybe you could go down a more natural road - diet/personal training etc.

If my DH wanted weight loss surgery I'd be worried about the effects - would he survive? What long-term complications would he have? What if it didn't work and we spent thousands for nothing? I don't think it's a decision to take lightly.

AlternativePerspective · 22/06/2020 16:45

You can eat better without having to go through life altering surgery.

The failure rate is incredibly high plus the side effects can be horrendous.

At the very least you should change your lifestyle now in preparation for if you had the surgery later, employ a personal trainer and nutritionist, and lose the weight that way. No it won’t happen overnight but neither should it. The less time it takes the less successful it is likely to be.

You’re going to have to change your lifestyle anyway, and part of that is addressing why you have the issues with food that you do. Surgery fails to address those issues which is why it’s rarely successful in the long term.

IAintentDead · 22/06/2020 16:55

I had a gastric bypass in 2000. I have never once regretted it. I sometimes feel a bit sad when faced with a fantastic buffet or menu but definitely no regrets.

Very occasionally, even now, after 20 years, I eat a bit more than I should and feel uncomfortable for a while but it just reminds me of my limits. You will get your life back.

EllaAlright · 22/06/2020 17:02

What type of surgery has failure rates that are incredibly high? If a band, then yes, they do fail frequently, a bypass or sleeve have very high success rates long term.

Lalalamps · 22/06/2020 17:13

YABU don’t do weight loss surgery!
My MIL did and fair enough she lost all the weight but it’s ruined her quality of life.
She can’t eat real food without being sick, having pains all the time, constant upset stomach, no energy, can’t enjoy a meal out, she basically lives on medication and sugary snacks now.
Lose it the healthy way!

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/06/2020 17:14

@whogoncheckmeBoo

Do you think if you lose weight and take control of what you do next your relationship with your husband might suffer?*

Absolute rubbish.
Trying to blame her DH for being controlling and not wanting her to be healthy is ridiculous.

vanillandhoney · 22/06/2020 17:16

@Lalalamps

YABU don’t do weight loss surgery! My MIL did and fair enough she lost all the weight but it’s ruined her quality of life. She can’t eat real food without being sick, having pains all the time, constant upset stomach, no energy, can’t enjoy a meal out, she basically lives on medication and sugary snacks now. Lose it the healthy way!

Maybe the sugary snacks are causing the problem!?

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/06/2020 17:21

A few thoughts:
The cost of doing the surgery will have to come out of the whole family finances and as such there are more ppl to think about then just you getting what you want.
Blaming your DH for putting the weight is a low move. Your body your choice what you eat and its not his responsibility.
Have you seen the results of ppl who have surgery- unless its for medical reasons it is just a lazy fix, and as the ppl who undertaken it dont usually change their lifestyles, then in a few month it will all come back on ( I assume this will be blamed on your DH).
You need to go and see a proper doctor and nutritionist and see the best ways to not only lose the wieght and keep it off but also have a much more healthy lifestyle.
This could be a family activity as I assume that your DH will probably need help too

RefuseTheLies · 22/06/2020 17:29

I had a band fitted two years ago. Lost 3 stone (and still losing). Although I’m no longer morbidly obese, I’m still obese and getting the weight off has been hard work.

Everything I’d read before surgery said ‘it’s not a quick fix’ and I was very dismissive because WLS always seems to be touted as ‘cheating’ somehow.

I don’t regret it. Like a pp though, I do feel a bit sorry for myself when there’s loads of delicious food on offer and I’d really like to shove vast quantities of it in my gob but on the whole, it’s been life changing. For a start, I can no longer binge eat, which has been very freeing in itself.

For those who are advocating therapy, a dietician and / or a personal trainer...I’d think most people who go for WLS have been there, done that (myself included). This was an absolute last resort for me. I’d perhaps have gone for a sleeve if I had the decision to make again, but a band was £5k and a sleeve £10k so I had to consider finances too.

LadyPrigsbottom · 22/06/2020 17:39

Hmmm tricky. I personally think weight loss surgery sounds as if it is a bit of a gamble. Not just because of complications, but also, as a pp says, it can sometimes not be successful in the long run I think; so weight doesn't come off or doesn't stay off. In that case, having put your health at risk and expense would be a mistake. Obviously, if it worked like a dream, that would be fantastic and would feel worth it.

I sometimes think the money might be better spent on therapy though.

I also have a weight problem at the moment btw, albeit not as serious yet, so I'm not someone who has no understanding about it dismissing your feelings. I really sympathise.

Pugsrus · 22/06/2020 17:54

I’m thinking of a band as well
I’ve bought the book and the workbook called
Never binge again .

I had bulimia for years and cured that with a book called the bulimia help method .
So I’m hoping these binge books will work ..

I have £10 ,ooo saved in a personal account,
But I’m hoping to not have to use it ,but I will if nothing changes

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