DH about weight loss surgery

[WhimsyWoo]

I have a few debts at the moment but relatively substantial inheritance on the way as soon as I sell a few properties part of the estate (amount confirmed by the probate solicitor).

I mentioned to DH that I'm thinking about weight loss surgery, I'm deeply unhappy with myself and extremely/morbidly overweight I'd lost a few stone around the time I was pregnant and was the smallest I'd been in a few years after I'd had my DD but I believe I had mild postnatal depression as I found it extremely hard to go out alone with DD (who had health issues that went unidentified for many months).

I've had issues my entire adult life and j want this change I want to kick-start the process as I know it's look and gruelling, even if it's getting finance to do it asap and paying this off when the sales go through. I can really feel it health wise at the moment and was extremely ill with Covid, I really need a drastic change to ensure I'm around for my child and be more active than I can be now. I know the reasons I'm overweight and I'm confident that I'd be dedicated to not getting back to where I am now.

DH is extremely against me doing this now, wants us to move and settle into a house for at least a couple of months before I make any choices. That being said, he isn't entirely supportive of it. I'd lost nearly 5 stone when I met him and put it all back on as his eating habits weren't great but in hindsight that was my own responsibility. Regardless, he has mentioned he doesn't see why I want to do it as I don't need to change and I strongly suspect that's because he's always known me to be overweight and thinks I'd perhaps I'd change in more ways than one.

My AIBU is this, not a question about whether you believe in people having weight loss surgery, but whether to do it asap or wait?

YABU - wait, my DH is right
YANBU - do it as soon as I can

[WhimsyWoo]

The main issue now (although it's not just this and this hasn't always been my issue with being overweight) is I have a physical disability that came on with no warning which means the only activities I can do are very low impact. I am aware that it doesn't stop me from losing weight but what someone might achieve with high impact exercise may take me longer. I've been working FT during lockdown with a toddler, whilst I get out for a walk in the evening for around an hour, it's with my toddler. I have said to my DH (who has also been working) that enough is enough and I need to go for a longer walk if I can at the weekends on my own. I can tell you about the other things I've tried in the past, one diet included CBT and I know where it stems from and psychological reasons.

To the PP who said blaming my DH is not fair, you are completely right. However his attitude to food does not help, we are both overweight but if I say I'm on a diet, before day 7 is up he will usually offer me foods I've told him I'm not eating. It's like he actively wants to sabotage my efforts and not support them which I've discussed with him countless times.

@EllaAlright Thanks for posting, that's exactly the surgery I was looking into.

[vanillandhoney]

If you're trying to lose weight, changing your diet will be far more effective than exercise. Long walks are great for fitness but won't really do much for your overall weight unless you change your diet too.

[WhimsyWoo]

Of course I've changed my diet.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I have found exercise actually has had a really big impact on my weight in the past. And actually, it was walking too, despite all the "walking doesn't count as exercise" thing I hear all the time.

Could your toddler go to nursery or could you get a babysitter to watch the toddler while you did some exercise? This could be one of the things you try before you go to last resort of WLS. Because I think a babysitter would be a lot cheaper than the surgery, plus childcare if you needed it when you would be recovering from the surgery.

Basically, I'd personally exhaust every other option before WLS and I'd throw money at getting exercise and diet sorted, (the latter, possibly with decent therapy and self help, rather than an off the shelf diet plan). And that would include getting childcare somehow so that I could focus on exercise and maybe healthy meal planning, therapy etc.

[MissConductUS]

@vanillandhoney

If you're trying to lose weight, changing your diet will be far more effective than exercise. Long walks are great for fitness but won't really do much for your overall weight unless you change your diet too.

This is so true. There's an old saying that you cannot outrun your fork.

OP, what has worked for me was calorie counting on an app combined with increased activity. But if you think WLS is the best route for you best of luck to you.

[YangShanPo]

Have you ever tried the keto diet. If not give that a go first it's the one diet I can stick to as ketosis helps control my appetite and cravings. A big disadvantage of it is it can be expensive, but with some extra money to spend that would be affordable for you.
It's not that I'm 100% against WLS but it would be better to achieve the weight loss through diet, it avoids the complications of surgery and means you will keep most of your money.

[YangShanPo]

Btw I'm not sure what your health condition is but Keto (especially "clean" keto) can help with some chronic health conditions, as it helps to reduce inflammation.

[YinuCeatleAyru]

getting a gastric band or other surgery to curtail your appetite - go for it.

Tummy tuck operations are usually more successful to tidy away the excess skin after having successfully lost weight the slow boring way.

if you are expecting surgery to just slice out whole volumes of fatty tissue, you may be overestimating what surgery can achieve.

there is a woman in my yoga group who used to be really enormous and has had surgery. certainly her stomach is flatter than it was but her arms honestly look terrible - she is really unhappy with them. she has a long scar down the inner surface of each upper arm but the shape is nothing like a "normal" arm, she still has big flaps of loose skin. apparently the surgeon took away as much as reasonably could, but couldn't take any more as the wound won't close properly if too much is taken. make sure you properly understand what shape your body will be afterwards, it must be horrible to pay out thousands of pounds and still hate your body shape afterwards.

[2bazookas]

Local senior nurse had weightloss surgery lost weight and looked great for a year or so. Then she put it all back on again Whatever she paid for the surgery, was money gone and wasted.

It;s not a magic wand; along with the surgery it requires a permanent change of eating and excercise habits, for life.

If you just make permanent changes in diet and excercise you will lose weight, whole family will be healthier, and you'll still have the money.

Or maybe the money would be better spent on a personal trainer to support and encourage you .

[Cherrysoup]

Do it ASAP for the good of your health. Don’t allow him to sabotage your weight loss meanwhile. I’m also trying hard to drop weight and I’m not going to allow anyone to sabotage me. Is he worried you’ll be successful and look good? Is he insecure? Or does he not want to change his unhealthy lifestyle?

[WhimsyWoo]

I know what you mean about a PT but I have a physiotherapist, we do very gentle exercises, I asked about water aerobics or anything other than a very gentle swim and it was a hard no. I can do a few hours' walk at most if I am able to.

No idea what DH's problem with it is. I've asked him again and he says I'm fine as I am. As I am, I'm morbidly obese and I just don't agree, my parent who died has died of illnesses related to it. I do feel as though it's an insecurity, he's overweight too and if that were it I'd understand that.

I know surgery is hard, it's not just like you have it and all is solved, it's hard on your body, hard to maintain but I'm so

My question though was about whether I'd be unjustified doing surgery now and paying it off later?

[WinterAndRoughWeather]

Well I still don’t agree that surgery is the best way OP, but I do agree with you that it is not okay to be morbidly obese, whatever your husband says. I am overweight and that is not okay either (I am working on it and succeeding, but I fully appreciate it’s a different kettle of fish from what you’re dealing with).

However I really don’t think you should spend money you don’t have. How long until you’ll have the inheritance in the bank?

[Yeahnahmum]

Talk to him. Ask him why he is against it . And dont settle for the 'you are fine as you are' argument. You say you are morbidly obese, so your health could tremendously benefit from thid surgery. Has he thought of that. Or is he scared you will no longer will be his snack buddy? Because you will have to change your eating habits after surgery.

Anyway get to the bottom of it. Then plead your case why YOU want to do it. And then do it. Because it is your body. Your choice ☺️

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Unless he’s forcing food down your throat you can’t blame him. If you don’t have the will power to go via a diet / calorie restriction / intermittant fasting then bariatic surgery is probably the only option. Just bear in mind that there are real risks of death involved in these types of surgeries - that is why they only tend to be recommended when someone has serious (potentially deadly) medical problems already due to their obesity.

[Rememberallball]

I would say go for it sooner rather than later; if you qualify for WLS on the NHS (and a lot of people do!) then there are processes you have to go through before you can be referred to a surgeon (including medications to assist with weight loss, exercise programmes, etc) You may well need to lose a certain amount of weight before being referred and may have to see a dietician. Once referred there are, again, processes you have to go through including dieticians, psychology assessment and sustained weight loss over a fixed period of time. You may go through sleep studies to assess for OSA and, if diagnosed, you will be given CPAP to address the OSA (this will then be monitored and, once weight loss is achieved, often it reverses OSA too). This process, as well as waiting to get to the top of waiting lists, can take a couple of years depending on where you are in the UK so, the sooner you get started, the sooner you will be having your surgery. If you plan to go privately, then make sure you research the clinic you choose and check what is included in the price of the package - including after care and who will manage things such as monitoring your bloods for malabsorption and what to do if you have complications.

I had a sleeve gastrectomy 8 1/2 years ago; lost 8 1/2 stone and have maintained around 8 stone of that loss since then. The biggest complication I have post surgery is that I still suffer from heartburn/acid reflux at times due to a partial sliding hiatus hernia - which I had before surgery but, because the sleeve was the most appropriate surgery for my poor eating habits (portion control not high sugar, high fat foods), it is something I continue to live with.

I do not suffer from any long term health deficit due to having had the surgery as I can still eat a varied diet and do not have absorption issues which are a possibility with a bypass. I suffer less with joint pain and my asthma as a result of losing so much weight.

I would never advocate anyone having the gastric band as failure rates due to slipping, erosion around the site and ability to ‘cheat’ by liquidising high calorie foods often cause not only weight regain but also increased weight gain, further surgery to remove the band - and, in many cases, further weight loss surgery to address the gained weight. The bypass can lead to malnutrition issues and requires a lifetime of vitamin and mineral supplements as well as carrying the risk of dumping syndrome if you eat high fat or high sugar content foods due to them entering the bowel without first being digested sufficiently - and dumping syndrome can leave you feeling very unwell when it happens (it can happen in people who have had a sleeve but is much rarer).

Would I have surgery again now having lived with my sleeve for as long as I have? Yes I would because, for me, it’s changed my life; it’s reduced my risk of high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and taken pressure off my joints meaning they’re less likely to need replacing at a relatively young age (I will be 50 next year)

[Oblomov20]

Dh had surgery on the NHS and it has been the making of him. He had the mildest form and so can still eat a reasonable sized portion, a smaller portion that no one else would notice/comment on, at a buffet for example.

[Gingerkittykat]

I've decided to have weight loss surgery abroad in a few months, once the risk of covid has gone down significantly.

I actually did an NHS prep group but it was decided I needed to get myself in a better place mentally. I have had MH treatment and am in a better place and have been re-referred but will be 3 year wait on NHS.

The risks are about the same as gall bladder surgery, the stats for losing weight and keeping it off with lifestyle once you are morbidly obese are terrible but with surgery patients normally lose 70%+ of excess weight and keep it off.

I do agree you need some psychological support though to deal with why you eat the way you do.

[macdhui]

I would do it ASAP. COVID has clearly given you the wake up call you needed. Definitely go for a sleeve gastrectomy over a band etc. It will be difficult to do it without a supportive partner so I’d urge you to get him on board, have some therapy together prior to the op.
It will be life changing - go for it !

[Igmum]

YABU. Weight loss surgery doesn't work - I know this wasn't the question you asked and isn't what you want to hear - but it doesn't and it has devastating side effects. Great that you have a physio. Get therapy too. The only thing that worked for me was Overeaters Anonymous. I put on 8 3/4 stone when in an abusive relationship. I developed health conditions, could not walk and was in constant pain. I was absolutely desperate. A friend told me about OA. She had lost 7 stone. I went. I now eat three meals a day and nothing in between. No sugar because I cannot eat sugar like a normal human being. I cannot tell you how many times in the past I have tried to stop eating sugar then, minutes later, emerged from the shop with bags and bags of sweet treats to binge on in secret. OA is free, there are no fees. With COVID there are thousands of meetings on Zoom, WhatsApp and every other online and phone platform you can name, all round the world. It works, I don't know why, but it really does. Before you spend your inheritance join some meetings. Good luck xx

[Longtalljosie]

Talk to your doctor about the actual stats on weight loss surgery. I have no personal experience but having covered news stories on obesity, at least one expert said to me that above a certain BMI, weight loss surgery is the only thing shown to work. A lot of people have said the absolute reverse on here without citations - you need hard facts.

That said, in this climate I wouldn’t so end anything on tick depending on the housing market. And I fear it will change your relationship with your husband because on some level he wants you fat. I think relationship counselling to find out why would be a good move. That said, it’s not great if you’re with someone who would prefer you to be miserable so he doesn’t have to be insecure.

[Sushiroller]

When you go for surgery they will advise you about this.
But most relationships fail post surgery due to changes in relationship dynamics.

I think yanbu and would still press ahead for your health.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

Just make sure you are fully informed about the aftercare, you can only eat tiny amounts, have to have vitamin injections and the two people I know who did this are almost back at their original weight as they were unable to stick to the regime long term. Good luck

[TickleMeElbow]

WHo would get your inheritance if you died in surgery before it was in your hand? Would it go to your husband or your child in trust? If it didn't go straight to my husband I'd be concerned about that .

I also think if you're planning on moving it makes sense to wait as well. There are a lot of potential complications and you don't want to assume you'll be feeling great while trying to find a house and move.


I would personally use some of the money with a personal trainer to help me lose as much weight as possible because you NEED to before surgery.

It is safer if you don't have a fatty liver beforehand and they will expect you to lose some weight for that reason beforehand anyway. You can be building muscle now while you're heavier and then have some reserves when you're struggling to eat after the surgery.


I've had bariatric surgery (which failed, so I do know what I am talking about)

[TickleMeElbow]

Weight loss surgery doesn't work - I know this wasn't the question you asked and isn't what you want to hear - but it doesn't and it has devastating side effects.

Statistically it works far better than trying to lose weight and keep it off for morbidly obese people. I say that as someone who has had a failed surgery. No long term effects my band slipped and was removed. I did gain the weight back though because I'm a food addict. I think it's great you've lost the weight but most people won't.

[TickleMeElbow]

Also for people talking about the health risks they have to be weighed against the risks of morbid obesity.


Increased risk of cancer, diabetes, heart attack, knee and back pain and injury.