DH about weight loss surgery

[WhimsyWoo]

I have a few debts at the moment but relatively substantial inheritance on the way as soon as I sell a few properties part of the estate (amount confirmed by the probate solicitor).

I mentioned to DH that I'm thinking about weight loss surgery, I'm deeply unhappy with myself and extremely/morbidly overweight I'd lost a few stone around the time I was pregnant and was the smallest I'd been in a few years after I'd had my DD but I believe I had mild postnatal depression as I found it extremely hard to go out alone with DD (who had health issues that went unidentified for many months).

I've had issues my entire adult life and j want this change I want to kick-start the process as I know it's look and gruelling, even if it's getting finance to do it asap and paying this off when the sales go through. I can really feel it health wise at the moment and was extremely ill with Covid, I really need a drastic change to ensure I'm around for my child and be more active than I can be now. I know the reasons I'm overweight and I'm confident that I'd be dedicated to not getting back to where I am now.

DH is extremely against me doing this now, wants us to move and settle into a house for at least a couple of months before I make any choices. That being said, he isn't entirely supportive of it. I'd lost nearly 5 stone when I met him and put it all back on as his eating habits weren't great but in hindsight that was my own responsibility. Regardless, he has mentioned he doesn't see why I want to do it as I don't need to change and I strongly suspect that's because he's always known me to be overweight and thinks I'd perhaps I'd change in more ways than one.

My AIBU is this, not a question about whether you believe in people having weight loss surgery, but whether to do it asap or wait?

YABU - wait, my DH is right
YANBU - do it as soon as I can

As far as I can see it's a significant amount of money, so no I wouldn't spend if before you've got it. There's all sorts of things that could mean you don't end up with it/it's delayed/you get less.

I know that's difficult to hear. But I think I'd spend the time trying to get some good habits in place and discussing all of it with your husband - I won't say don't do it if he's not on board, but you'd both be in a much better place if you can have some truthful conversations beforehand about your opinions/worries/view of the future etc. It might bring him onboard. It might show you cracks that it would be better to know about now rather than during recovery from surgery.

That's my opinion. Don't spend money you haven't got when you can avoid it.

I would go for it, get referred and start the process. As pp said it will takes months if not years to actually make it on to the operating table, by which time you will have the money.

If your DH concerns were about concern about the money (as property values are uncertain at the moment) or concern about the operation itself and potential side effects, I would be more sympathetic. But the way you describe it, he's more concerned about your family lifestyle of eating too much not continuing. Which isn't fair.

It is not always the magic cure. My sister had it done about 10 years ago and lost a lot of weight, down to about 17 stone. She was a size 24 after but has stayed there. We suspect she cheats it with sugary and fatty drinks as we once went out and she ordered hot chocolate, a chocolate milkshake and a chocolate sundae. We had soup and a cake.

I think you have to tackle all the issues too. If she had carried on with weekly counselling and maybe some sort of support group.

She has settled at obese so is still someone who is very unhealthy indeed. Yes, she can walk now and has a more normal life but it is not magic and she is not a size 10. She was young when she had it done too 25 - so it should have worked.

So do it but you need to see it as part of a package.

As pp said it will takes months if not years to actually make it on to the operating table, by which time you will have the money.

If the OP is paying for it herself she will be able to get an appt as soon as lock down is over.

I would tread carefully. I have a former colleague who had WLS, she lost a significant amount of weight but now can only eat tiny portions and doesn't eat particularly healthily because she has to eat very calorie dense food given the small portions. So things like ham and cheese croissants rather than fruit and yoghurt for breakfast for example. She can only tolerate processed meats, can't have pasta or rice, can't drink alcohol. Going out for a meal is tricky. I don't think she was prepared for how restricted she would be.

I have a friend who has a gastric band yes she has lost a lot of weight ,but she hasn't changed her way of eating or diet she just throws up a lot throughout meals as she's still trying to eat the same as before ,Plus things like junk food and Booz still can be consumed as they seem to go down for four dress size down I wouldn't do it!.

OP what strategies have you tried for dealing with your H bringing you junk food? Partner sabotage is a very real problem - and it's not necessarily malicious, it can stem from insecurity - but if you can have a plan for rejecting the junk you can practice this in advance of any more radical approaches.

And you'll need to get into the habit anyway, as after the surgery he's not going to suddenly start making you green shakes is he?

Also for people talking about the health risks they have to be weighed against the risks of morbid obesity.

Increased risk of cancer, diabetes, heart attack, knee and back pain and injury

Absolutely! My only worry would be that if it didn't work as planned, or the weight would come back on anyway. Then, not only would she be morbidly obese, but she'd also be thousands of £££s poorer and she may have damaged her already fragile health in another way.

I'm not 100% against it at all though, as that chance that it works like a dream would be tempting for anyone, at almost any cost.

I still would go down the getting childcare route to begin with, so she can focus on her health, go for her lovely long walks etc. Then maybe seek decent therapy. Then see what happens. I think doing the surgery first without trying that is madness.

OP, you are right though, that your DH does not sound as if he is being very helpful. But if you have the spare cash soon, I would try to sort out childcare for your toddler, so you can focus on yourself while your DH is working. In an ideal world he would support you, but I wouldn't wait around for that personally.

As I said, I have a weight problem at the moment too and am doing what I can till my toddler starts nursery, then hopefully will find it easier to tackle with more time to cook and plan healthy meals, do more exercise, volunteer or work PT and generally look after myself and the rest of the family a bit better, in terms of our eating and activities. This is going to cost us some money in nursery fees before the free hours kick in for dc next year, but I think it will be worth it. If you do have the extra money this is, as you would otherwise be spending it on surgery iyswim.

I don’t judge weight loss surgery at all but as with all surgeries it is risky, especially if you are very overweight. I could do with losing around 4 stone myself
The reason I would advise against it is purely safety, I know of 2 people in my area who died after this surgery, one during and one a couple of days afterwards. There is a boy at my sons school who lost his mum like that, she wanted the surgery before he started school so nobody would tease him for having a fat mum, and now he doesn’t have one at all. As I said all surgery carries risk, which is why I would always avoid it unless is was absolutely necessary. As for the financial side that’s between you and your husband

@Hoppinggreen . That story is so heartbreaking.

@Hoppinggreen I think that is my biggest fear and makes me extremely I'd hate to do this for my child and have them lost a grandparent and their mother in quick succession. I am worried either way.

I have spoken to my DH, explained my reasons and he has now said he's happy to support it if I do want to do this but still doesn't understand why or the need to do it now as opposed to months/year(s) to come.

Hi OP
how are you getting on? x
Im thinking about WLS and would love to hear from you

@EllaAlright

What type of surgery has failure rates that are incredibly high? If a band, then yes, they do fail frequently, a bypass or sleeve have very high success rates long term.

I am a healthcare professional and just completed an audit of patients within one GP practice who had weight loss surgery. I was shocked at the results as I would have agreed with you previously but very few had kept their weight off to an accepted level and a significant number had developed other health issues as a result.

Ok, so a few things. Are you prepared for it? It changes everything. Your relationship with food will be changed forever, you'll have to eat differently. If you're looking at it being sustainable, you're recommended to eat no more than 100g/100ml per meal, no drinks within 30 minutes of your meals. Meals upto 6 times per day.

The weight wont always come off rapidly. (I'm just shy of 9 weeks out, have only lost 32lb)

Though it's the best thing I've ever done! Still even with the measly weight loss!

I'd advise if you're prepared to do it, do it as fast as you can. Being very overweight does damage your organs.
I found I had damaged pretty much every organ with my obesity and I'm still quite young. I look forward to what my future may hold right now because of this op.

Covid was a push for me having the OP. I thought if I could lose several stone by the winter, before the 2nd wave of covid, I'd have a better chance of survival.

To be honest it sounds like your H is the problem here. And that you are looking at surgery because it's a way of losing weight that he cannot sabotage.

Why aren't you asking your H why he keeps sabotaging you? He says you are fine as you are - clearly you are not fine (not judging btw I am obese). He says that he doesn't understand why you want to act now rather than waiting - which is totally illogical because the health outcomes for being significantly overweight get worse over time. Finally he actively goes out of his way to undo any effort you make to lose weight if you tell him you are trying to diet.

I wonder what would happen if your H actually supported you with dieting and healthier choices?
IMO that's what you need to address. Spending thousands to go through invasive surgery instead of nailing him down about why he's trying to undermine you, smacks of avoidance of the real issue.

If you are with someone that is so determined to keep you in your place, then surgery won't work because he'll just find a different way to undermine you.

YABU, you should wait a little bit.
Usually you need to lose a certain amount of weight, pre determined by the doctor, before they will operate. They need to know that you're willing to make the lifestyle changes that are needed.
Plus its not a fix all solution, its major surgery taking several weeks/months to recover from and you need to significantly make changes to your life for the surgery to be successful. Im not surprised your OH has reservations.

I had a band, was successful for a few years then issues crept in. Would recommend bypass or sleeve surgery and am considering conversion.
Depending on where you live Streamline Surgical and Guy Slater as the surgeon were wonderful.