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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childs father not following gov guidlines (covid-19)

25 replies

Ellshuts · 22/06/2020 14:14

My childs father usually has our daughter every other weekend (family arrangement order). We agreed at the start of lockdown that he wouldn't have her due to me being pregnant and he is a key worker so the risks were too high. Fast forward to now....this weekend was his first weekend with our daughter as I've now had my baby and it had been a long time that they hadn't seen each other. He reassured me he had stuck to guidlines and will be continuing to do so....buuuut my daughter has come home and told me that she has been out playing at the field near her dads house with lots of kids, not kept distance as been playing tag etc and her dad was at home!!!! They also visited some friends and family went inside houses and gave the cuddles and kisses. My daughter is 6 so I am mortified she has even been out without her father plus all the added extra. I have tried to speak to her dad but he doesnt see any harm in what he's done/doing!!!!! I have told him he is not to see her now as I am not willing to take those risks for my daughter and my family... I just need to hear that I'm not being unreasonable and I'm doing what any other parent would do???

OP posts:
AIMD · 23/06/2020 00:37

I’m mostly concerned about the 6 year old playing out on her own while her dads in the house. Surely 6 is way to young for that....or is he able to see/watch the field from his house.

The visiting family in their houses stuff is majorly annoying but given how close it seems to be to that being allowed again I’m not sure I personally would worry too much about that. It’s more the fact he hasn’t respected your wishes or kept to your agreement (as well as the playing alone thing) that would annoy me.

5plus3 · 23/06/2020 02:55

Be prepared to be flamed. I posted about stopping my kids seeing their dad because he wasn't sticking to the rules. It was brutal!
I agree with you though

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/06/2020 06:17

If you are pregnant then your anxiety is understandable but to be honest I've been doing the things your ex is with my own DS. We are low risk and I'm more concerned about DS's mental health at this point than I am about the virus. So no, you're not doing what every parent would.

runbummyrun · 23/06/2020 06:19

You know 6 year olds are back at school?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/06/2020 06:19

I don't let him out without an adult though I should point out (he's 7). That would be my concern, not the mixing with others.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/06/2020 06:20

@runbummyrun no they aren't, my DS has only just turned 7 and isn't back. He's in Year 2. Some summer born Year 2s are still 6.

Also OP might have chosen not to send her DD back.

Thehop · 23/06/2020 06:25

My ex has done the same. Not playing out but family barbecues etc.

My boys are 10 & 11, so have told me. I don’t agree with it but how he parents on his time is his choice. We don’t have a formal agreement, the boys just choose what house they’re going to.

runbummyrun · 23/06/2020 06:29

Oh yes of course, some parents are too scared to let their children be children, play and have an education.

TheBusDriver · 23/06/2020 07:34

How controlling not allowing your child to see their dad for 3 months because of your anxiety.

How would you of liked it if not seen them for 3 months?

heartsonacake · 23/06/2020 07:41

YABU. It’s totally unacceptable of you to have stopped the relationship between your daughter and her dad the last few months, and even more so now.

You can’t just withdraw contact like that; he’s her parent too and he has an equal right to assess risks and decide what’s best for her. It’s not your way or the highway; it’s not what you say goes.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 23/06/2020 07:45

Have people having a go at the OP for 'keeping her child away from her father' missed the part which says "we agreed"?

Guavaf1sh · 23/06/2020 07:48

Lockdown is over and what you are doing in thinking of denying contact is very wrong

Littlecaf · 23/06/2020 07:54

I understand your anxiety but the risk is very low. She’s outdoors and playing with others. Probably the best thing for her right now. Relax a bit.

Also try asking your ex what happened. My 6 yo sometimes misunderstands situations. “Daddy wasn’t there” doesn’t mean he didn’t know what was happening. Did he pop back into the house for 5 mins or was she playing outdoors for hours unsupervised?

Alexandernevermind · 23/06/2020 07:54

If I was you I would have popped her clothes in the washing machine, stuck her straight in the bath and told her I was pleased she'd had such a lovely time.

DuineArBith · 23/06/2020 07:55

@runbummyrun

You know 6 year olds are back at school?
With the maximum possible infection control in place, which self-evidently isn't what is happening here.
midnightstar66 · 23/06/2020 07:58

A large group of children playing in a field so presumably wing kept an eye on by several parents - I can't get worked up a kit that not the dc playing together. ExP has been allowing this all along. I was bothered at first but realised their relationship with their dad and their MH trumped the tiny risk to them of the virus, obviously confined by the other parents in the group too. What he does on his time I can't really dictate. During lockdown you'd have had at least an excuse albeit maybe not a rational one when you weigh up the risks, but not now!

HugeAckmansWife · 23/06/2020 07:59

I think that as you have now had the baby and restrictions are lifting, YABU. Lots of parents are doing what your ex is doing. 6yo aren't out if school because they are higher risk than 5 year olds, it's space. My kids private school has w eryinr back this week. Community transmission is v low. At this point, YABU

midnightstar66 · 23/06/2020 08:18

With the maximum possible infection control in place, which self-evidently isn't what is happening here.

Ha! Yeh, maximum possible I guess, which is a pretty low bar with infant class dc. Outdoors running in a field has nothing of the risks of being in a stuffy indoor environment anyway.

Muppetry76 · 23/06/2020 08:33

@Guavaf1sh Lockdown is over

Erm, no it isnt

BogRollBOGOF · 23/06/2020 08:38

At this point children are facing more harm from continued social isolation that outdoors and brief contact with others.

While the issue isn't over yet, she'd be incredibly unlucky to be exposed to someone with a virus in the first place let alone pick up enough viral load for it to be problematic.

Quartz2208 · 23/06/2020 08:44

I think the problem is here your views as to what is appropriate and his dont tally.

Neither are wrong but you have to remember with the what any parent would do a lot of parents were doing what he did because they were there too

I think you need to talk to him and say that you feel he should be there and whereas outdoor meet ups are allowed please can they try and stick to SD (which I suspect will be less by the next time anyway) and to avoid too many houses (how many - remember isnt he allowed to pick one as a single person)

londonscalling · 23/06/2020 11:13

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Nothing has changed re coronavirus since three months ago. It's just that cases have dropped as we have been staying indoors. If we don't social distance then we will get a second spike!

Kaj29 · 23/06/2020 11:19

YANBU. I would feel the same. People have become too relaxed.

MasterMargarita · 23/06/2020 11:19

All the lockdown rules and guidelines are nothing but farce by now. I'd be more concerned that your child was playing unsupervised.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/06/2020 13:43

This is no different to any other Co parenting issue. You might disagree on many aspects of parenting but unless it's actively and patently putting your DD at direct risk, which this isn't, you have no right to prevent contact over this.

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