To suggest to DP that we end the relationship because of COVID and shielding??

[Shieldingandsad]

I have been with my partner for eight years. We don’t live together for logistical reasons, I have children here and DP works away during the week so we had always decided that living together would have to wait until my youngest left school. He comes here every weekend though. He does the travelling because I live in a house whereas he lives in a house share during the week.

I have some serious health problems and since COVID hit I have been shielding. This means I haven’t seen him since March.Obviously when we went into lockdown we just said that that was how it was and that everyone was going through it after all.

But now that lockdown is lifting for the majority of people that obviously changes things.

The shielded seem very much to have been used as a collateral damage in all this, because the risk to the shielded is still so high, we are having to stay in lockdown while the rest of the country is able to go back to normal life.

I understand why that is. Catching COVID for me almost certainly means that I won’t survive. But now I feel that that it is unfair on my DP to expect him to stick around. After all it’s being suggested that the shielded might have to do so until there is a vaccine, which could be years. And as we don’t live close together even things like going for a socially distanced walk isn’t possible.

So DP could start going out more, to pubs, bars, meeting up with friends etc as the restrictions ease and it just doesn’t seem fair that he should wait around for me when he could be out there getting on with his life.

This isn’t like a job where you know when the end is. Currently there isn’t an end in sight to this.

I know that maybe this is just sad thinking at this time of the morning. But I can’t help but think that if I suggested to him that he move on that would be the best for him. Or at the very least suggest that he start going out and mixing with friends and assuming that in time he will meet someone else...

PS, I have name changed obviously.

Have you spoken to your DP? What does he say?

Hey OP that's a very sad situation to be in. If I were in your situation, I'd be thinking pretty much the same.

If I was in your DP's position I wouldn't.

You could speak to him and put it out in the open. He might have thoughts on it too that may be like yours but he also could have another take on it. It's his choice at the end of the day, assuming from your side you want the relationship to continue. Don't push him away if he doesn't want to go though.

I hope it all works out well for you though, swift, effective vaccine included.

@Howlat he says he is very much in this for the long hall, but I also know that he’s starting to become frustrated about the fact that he hasn’t been able to come here.

And because he lives in a house share to an extent he is even more confined right now although he is going to work.

I just think that now that restrictions are lifting it’s only fair that I at the very least encourage him to start going out and meeting up with friends and creating a social life for himself which can’t include me. And while I know he isn’t looking for it I would imagine that his meeting someone eventually would pretty much be guaranteed, and then I wouldn’t stand in his way...

I wouldn't suggest ending it straight up but would bring it up as an open discussion.

Sounds reasonable

If he did feel like this, then he doesn't need your permission to end the relationship, he would have done already. I think you need to give him more credit really.

I think you do need to get some proper advice on the risk though and how to reduce it, as I'm sure you could find a way of seeing him whilst being very careful - there will be many couples where one is shielding and the other needs to go out to work. Obviously you're not going to be able to have physical contact but I'm sure the only option is a socially distanced walk.

What will your dcs do though? Will they be out and about? school? Friends? I so sympathise but I wouldn't rush to make this kind of decision right now. It might be a lot clearer in a few weeks.

Such a difficult position for you to be in.

*isn't a socially distanced walk

@Noconceptofnormal this would be possible if he lived locally to me but he doesn’t. So we’re talking his having to travel a couple of hours, without stopping, just to go for a walk with me? It’s not really feasible.

He can get on with his life without meeting a new woman you know! My boyfriend lives in Europe so I haven't seen him since February and I'm 'getting on with my life' by meeting up with Friends and family without the need to suddenly start looking for a new boyfriend!
I'm sure he doesn't want to break up over this. The situation will be getting you both down I'm sure but breaking up isn't the answer.

As a pp has said - I can see why you might think that but it's not necessarily what he feels.

You say as we don’t live close together even things like going for a socially distanced walk isn’t possible. But that's patently not the case! Why on earth can he not travel down for the day and spend it close - but at a safe distance - to you. I can't even remember if hotels and B&Bs are open yet; if not they will be very soon. Unless you're saying he only bothers to see you when he has free accommodation thrown in?

(Do you really only see each other at weekends, at your house? Presumably in the past you've been able to arrange childcare and gone to stay somewhere else together? Or all been on holiday. If your relationship consisted of only the weekends at your house one might raise an eyebrow.)

My dh is shielding and as you know from your letter, it suggested separate rooms to sleep in , non sharing or extra cleaning of bathrooms , kitchens etc. Obviously as we already live together , I am shielding with him so that we do not have to do those things.
Is the government not about to announce that by the end of July people in this group will no longer have to shield ?
There is a shielding post on here (we are up to the 3rd one ) maybe go over to that one and ask advice.
Personally we still will shield and have no plans to throw caution to the wind by going shopping , going to pubs , public gathering even if told it's now ok. But maybe once we have been advised again that might ally your fears of meeting up with him in some way.

I am shielding because of my youngest child and I have managed to remain upbeat but this last week or so it has started to drag me down so I think you need to bear in mind that you are probably not in the right frame of mind for making major decisions.
I don't think we are going to be stuck in indefinitely myself. We are hoping in a few more weeks if numbers are still low we will be able to start testing the waters as it were. I think all this talk of indefinite confinement is overexagerated.
Are your children all in with you ? They will have to start school again at some point presumably and you will need to risk contact with the outside world then anyway so could you not aim to see him at some point as well ?
I understand how you feel though I really do but surely it is your partner's decision if he doesn't want to carry on (and it doesn't sound like that is the case ) then I think you should have more faith in him .

Of course he can see you for a walk, why ever not? I drove 140 miles each way last week to spend 5 hours with my brother and family in his garden. If you've been together for 8 years why can't you both do that?!

having to travel a couple of hours, without stopping, just to go for a walk with me? It’s not really feasible.

Only two hours away! Heavens. Some people commute further than that on a daily basis. He could easily run down and spend the whole day in your garden!

Why have you imagined that two hours is an impossible distance to travel? Either you don't value yourself highly enough or he has persuaded you that two hours travel demands an overnight stay ...

We’re three months in. We just don’t know what the situation will be in three months time. But community transmission might be so low in most places that the risk becomes negligible.
It’s reasonable for him to have a full social life if he’s not able to see you, but doesn’t mean that he has to break up with you unless that’s what both of you want.

@PerditaProvokesEnmity yes we have been on family holidays together etc, plus he has stayed here to look after my DC when I’ve been in hospital relating to above-mentioned health conditions.

My DC don’t have a relationship with their father unfortunately, even though that is the reason I stayed here, but now they’re all in secondary which makes moving now more difficult.

DP doesn’t drive, so coming here would involve public transport, trains, underground etc which at the moment would still be deemed far too risky and “non essential”.

If it helps, nobody meets a potential partner out and about in the pub anymore. So that really isn't inevitable

Hmm ...

This doesn't drive situation ... Is there a health reason? Because otherwise surely someone who has been 'working away' for eight years could have afforded lessons and a car. Not being able to drive is not a God given, permanent state in most cases.

However, as you say he's well integrated into your family life I see no immediate reason for you to be so pessimistic. You say 'get on with his life' - surely the day to day realities of his relationship with you are his life?

I think it depends on how in love you are, I would have waited to the end of the earth for my dh regardless of how long it would take to be with him. So if he loves you deeply he will wait for as long as it takes. See this as a good test of your relationship op. If you are in a long term relationship that has strong foundations it will last.

I would prepare myself emotionally for both scenarios.

Give him the choice, have a proper heart to heart about it, and see how he feels. You will have all the answers you need pretty swiftly.

Also please bear in mind that it is my understanding that the PM will announce soon that the shielding may have restrictions eased from the 4th of July, would that change anything for you? Community transmission is extremely low at the moment.

@ PerditaProvokesEnmity yes there is a health reason :-) so it’s not a case of won’t but can’t iyswim.

I mean this kindly, but you're holding a pity party for one, just stop.

If you can't see eachother for ages then so be it, if that means he can't go to the pub without trying to pull a woman then he's a dick.

You are both understandably frustrated etc, but there is no reason this needs to be the end of your relationship, especially after 8 years together.

Will your dc be going back to school in September?

I think covid is an excuse. You've been together 8 years? But you've not moved the relationship forward into marriage etc? Just because of his work and you having kids? I'm not sure you want him to be completely involved in your life, otherwise you would've moved this on sooner. I wonder if you actually quite like your own space (and maybe he does too), if find it strange that people would accept so little from a long term relationship.

Stop holding yourself a pity party. You’ve been together 8 years never lived together but now your considering finishing it because you can’t see each other for a while? Cmon OP. He’s obviously happy with your arrangements or else he’d of not stuck around all these years. I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit - sounds like your the one pushing him away.