To suggest to DP that we end the relationship because of COVID and shielding??

[Shieldingandsad]

I have been with my partner for eight years. We don’t live together for logistical reasons, I have children here and DP works away during the week so we had always decided that living together would have to wait until my youngest left school. He comes here every weekend though. He does the travelling because I live in a house whereas he lives in a house share during the week.

I have some serious health problems and since COVID hit I have been shielding. This means I haven’t seen him since March.Obviously when we went into lockdown we just said that that was how it was and that everyone was going through it after all.

But now that lockdown is lifting for the majority of people that obviously changes things.

The shielded seem very much to have been used as a collateral damage in all this, because the risk to the shielded is still so high, we are having to stay in lockdown while the rest of the country is able to go back to normal life.

I understand why that is. Catching COVID for me almost certainly means that I won’t survive. But now I feel that that it is unfair on my DP to expect him to stick around. After all it’s being suggested that the shielded might have to do so until there is a vaccine, which could be years. And as we don’t live close together even things like going for a socially distanced walk isn’t possible.

So DP could start going out more, to pubs, bars, meeting up with friends etc as the restrictions ease and it just doesn’t seem fair that he should wait around for me when he could be out there getting on with his life.

This isn’t like a job where you know when the end is. Currently there isn’t an end in sight to this.

I know that maybe this is just sad thinking at this time of the morning. But I can’t help but think that if I suggested to him that he move on that would be the best for him. Or at the very least suggest that he start going out and mixing with friends and assuming that in time he will meet someone else...

Perhaps the OP just worded the being used as collateral damage wrongly.

Also, take into account that those who are shielding might be having a much harder time of it than those who aren’t and it might seem never ending to them. Mental and emotional health can take quite a knock and make them think what’s the point.. So this might be colouring the OP’s thinking and judgement.

I’d ride it out a bit more, he can still go out and socialise without it meaning anything as far as the relationship goes - in fact encourage it!

It sounds like you've had a rough time and are feeling low and anxious. Do you think this may have skewed your thinking a little bit?

You've been with this man for the best part of a decade! Surely he can have a social life without meeting someone new. You've already mentioned this to him - are you 100% there is not some passive-aggressiveness going on here? I.e. talking about splitting up because he now has the opportunity to be more social and you currently can't be?

If someone told me after 8 years that they thought maybe we should break up because of this sort of thing I'd think either they were trying to be self-destructive, that they actually wanted to ends things with me OR that they were trying to manipulate me into not going out.

You seem to have this self-sacrificing narrative going on but that doesn't ring true to me at all. I'd get it if it was an 8-month dating thing, but 8 YEARS? If I was your partner I'd probably be a bit insulted you were thinking this way tbh.

I think it's unfair to make that decision for your partner, without even asking them what they think!

Is there something else going on here? If it's some kind of test for him this might backfire very badly. I'd be very hurt if I heard that from someone - you sound very detatched, OP. If shielding has taken a toll on your MH (it has on one of my relatives) then speak to your GP for support.

What illness do you have that means your chances are so much lower than everyone elses? I am waiting for a heart transplant.

Since one of the effects of COVID is inflammation of the lungs, even if I survive COVID, I will almost certainly end up with pulmonary hypertension which would then make me ineligible for a heart transplant.

@ MaeDanvers yes it’s possible. The thing is, the more people are getting back to normal, the more the shielded are being overlooked. Even on here there is very much an attitude that the shielded should just stay shut away until there is a vaccine just as long as everyone else can go out.

That very much does lead to the thinking that there’s little point really. Iyswim.

OP think of those of us who have had or have a relationship with someone serving in the forces, working off shore or at sea- you can still phone, email, text, Skype and can actually see each other in your garden socially distanced.

Sorry thats a bit garbled. This is the first or last time people in a relationship will have to go for a period of time without physical contact.

This is NOT the first or last!

Sorry - I’m stuck on eight years here. It’s hard, but surely not seeing each other for 6 months (possibly more, I do understand) is a drop in the ocean in a stable, very long term relationship? He will have to travel to see you when possible so you can spend as much time together as you can.

Your post reads as if it’s a new fling.

Are you testing him to see if he really loves you?

Are you bored of the relationship and want an excuse to end it?

I really can't see any other reason for your line of thinking.

Ok, first, I think the government have presided over a total shot show and have mismanaged things badly in a way which has increased the risks for everyone.
However, I’m not sure what shielded people want - there’s always comments about being ‘left behind’ or ‘forgotten’ or as in this case ‘collateral damage’. The shielding information is guidance. It’s guidance designed to help you manage and mitigate a risk. It’s not the law. The government aren’t locking you up. Your health conditions are putting you at higher risk (as they do in every day life). What can anyone do about this?
To your specific question, as PPs have said, there are lots of ways round this. The ‘essential journey’ guidance has gone in England, hasn’t it? (I’m in Wakes so we still have to be local, but even then he could make a case for psychological care). He could visit on public transport and sit in the garden/stay in a holiday cottage once they open. If you lived together already, you would shield with him in the house - can’t you follow that guidance?

I'm sorry you feel this way op, you are in a really difficult situation and it's just not fair.

Why do you need to convince him to have a social life? You've been together 8 years do I'm assuming he's at leasr 26, old enough to decide what he wants to take and what friends to see. He shouldn't be waiting for your permission.

Tbh if his priority after eight years is physical gratification, then he's not going to hang around. But I'd be immensely offended if my dp of so long suggested we split so I could get laid

Do you want to end it OP? It really does sound like it from your posts, but doing so in a way of very much 'its not you it's me, and I am being magnanimous in ending it' to take any guilty feeling away?

I agree that it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to end the relationship. Couples are teams who get through things together, it seems odd that you would suggest this after being together for 8 years. I thought you were going to say you'd been seeing someone for a few months and then lockdown happened!

OP i'm not sure why most people are giving you such a hard time. I hope everyone is satisfied that OPs health condition is serious enough to cause her some very understandable concerns,pat yourself so on the back for the amazing display of empathy.
I've been shielding OP and have just been told that due to developing more health concerns it is likely to to continue for some time, it's shit!. Throw yourself a 'pity party' wallow away if you need ,its part of dealing with on going heath conditions no one says you have to be strong 24/7.
We can't know how others are feeling until we ask them, so talk to DP and accept his answer as a true reflection of how he feels.
I hope you get some positive news on the transplant x

I'm shielding too. It was really important when the outbreak was at its peak. But now that the infection rate is going down, the risk of catching it has decreased because there are far fewer people going around with covid that I could catch it from. And that applies to your DP travelling on public transport and meeting friends, as well as to your dc going back to school.

The risk of you dying from it is still the same, if you did catch it. But, if the trend continues on a downward trajectory, you'd have to be very very unlucky to be infected.

Get some up-to-date advice from an expert, your GP or your consultant. My oncologist told me, right from the beginning, that a socially distant chat with my dd in the garden, accessible from a back gate, was minimal risk - even when the govt advice was still that I could only open a window, not go outside at all.

Mega sympathies to you. It's been a long hard grind and it's difficult to stay rational when you've been living such an abnormal life.

Needing a heart transplant is a very very tough position to be in. But you must have had to manage risks to your health for a long time. Covid is one of many risks - you're not guaranteed to get it, and if you do get it you're not guaranteed to have serious problems or die. How do you cope with risks from flu and other infections?

I'm sorry that you feel so overlooked and that people don't care about the shielded. It must feel so hard when you see other people trying to get back to some semblance of normal.

I don't know what the answer is, other than to say that people DO care, I think it's awful you are having to live like this and be put under so much stress.

Please don't blow up your relationship though if it is otherwise a good one. Maybe tell all this to your partner and explain how you feel, if he's a good man I'm sure he will understand.

Op has today's announcement helped at all?

I don’t think it’s really up to you to tell him to go and meet someone else. It’s up to him!
And tbh most people would simply do just that if they wanted to.

I think you’re massively over thinking this

Talk to him. Life is very tough I'm sure your health is his priority.
You're probably stressed and thinking all sorts.