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Original poster

To suggest to DP that we end the relationship because of COVID and shielding??

72 replies

Shieldingandsad · 22/06/2020 06:03

I have been with my partner for eight years. We don’t live together for logistical reasons, I have children here and DP works away during the week so we had always decided that living together would have to wait until my youngest left school. He comes here every weekend though. He does the travelling because I live in a house whereas he lives in a house share during the week.

I have some serious health problems and since COVID hit I have been shielding. This means I haven’t seen him since March.Obviously when we went into lockdown we just said that that was how it was and that everyone was going through it after all.

But now that lockdown is lifting for the majority of people that obviously changes things.

The shielded seem very much to have been used as a collateral damage in all this, because the risk to the shielded is still so high, we are having to stay in lockdown while the rest of the country is able to go back to normal life.

I understand why that is. Catching COVID for me almost certainly means that I won’t survive. But now I feel that that it is unfair on my DP to expect him to stick around. After all it’s being suggested that the shielded might have to do so until there is a vaccine, which could be years. And as we don’t live close together even things like going for a socially distanced walk isn’t possible.

So DP could start going out more, to pubs, bars, meeting up with friends etc as the restrictions ease and it just doesn’t seem fair that he should wait around for me when he could be out there getting on with his life.

This isn’t like a job where you know when the end is. Currently there isn’t an end in sight to this.

I know that maybe this is just sad thinking at this time of the morning. But I can’t help but think that if I suggested to him that he move on that would be the best for him. Or at the very least suggest that he start going out and mixing with friends and assuming that in time he will meet someone else...

OP posts:
Sandybval · 22/06/2020 08:13

If you like him and see a future, leave it up to him. As others have said, he can still start going about his life without meeting other women or feeling like he wants to, there is plenty to do! If you say this to him he will just think you're not into him and it's an excuse. If he wants to end the relationship he will do, he doesn't need an out or 'permission'. Although 8 years and nothing has progressed beyond seeing each other now and then, I would reassess anyway.

Tippexy · 22/06/2020 08:15

@Shieldingandsad

I have been with my partner for eight years. We don’t live together for logistical reasons, I have children here and DP works away during the week so we had always decided that living together would have to wait until my youngest left school. He comes here every weekend though. He does the travelling because I live in a house whereas he lives in a house share during the week.

I have some serious health problems and since COVID hit I have been shielding. This means I haven’t seen him since March.Obviously when we went into lockdown we just said that that was how it was and that everyone was going through it after all.

But now that lockdown is lifting for the majority of people that obviously changes things.

The shielded seem very much to have been used as a collateral damage in all this, because the risk to the shielded is still so high, we are having to stay in lockdown while the rest of the country is able to go back to normal life.

I understand why that is. Catching COVID for me almost certainly means that I won’t survive. But now I feel that that it is unfair on my DP to expect him to stick around. After all it’s being suggested that the shielded might have to do so until there is a vaccine, which could be years. And as we don’t live close together even things like going for a socially distanced walk isn’t possible.

So DP could start going out more, to pubs, bars, meeting up with friends etc as the restrictions ease and it just doesn’t seem fair that he should wait around for me when he could be out there getting on with his life.

This isn’t like a job where you know when the end is. Currently there isn’t an end in sight to this.

I know that maybe this is just sad thinking at this time of the morning. But I can’t help but think that if I suggested to him that he move on that would be the best for him. Or at the very least suggest that he start going out and mixing with friends and assuming that in time he will meet someone else...

What exactly do you mean by “the shielded have been used as collateral damage?”
Sandybval · 22/06/2020 08:20

What exactly do you mean by “the shielded have been used as collateral damage?”

I was wondering that too, those shielding have been advised to stay in etc, but have always had the choice of what they wanted to do. Pretty much those who are very low risk have been used as collateral damage imo, most children for example.

FromMarch2020 · 22/06/2020 08:23

Have you spoken to your doctor? Does your doctor say that you cannot go out until a vaccine arrives. Now rates of infected people are much lower? What is the covid situation in your local area?

Even the shielded can have a socially distanced walked since even very vulnerable people cannot get it from a distance, if they wash hands etc.

I understand where you are coming from about the relationship. Do you have short life expectancy from your serious health conditions anyway or is it just covid that means your life might be shortened?

Lockdowners · 22/06/2020 08:25

OP I know it must seem a long time as you have been shielding but to say there is no end in sight and throw away your relationship seems silly. We could have a vaccine by September (it may be much later but there are over 100 vaccine trials going on including a very promising one in oxford). Don’t lose hope.

FromMarch2020 · 22/06/2020 08:25

"the shielded have been used as collateral damage?”

This is TOTALLY untrue. The shielded have been protected. Given food parcels if needed, home shopping, volunteer services. The country trashed financially to avoid the spread and save the vulnerable and the NHS.

If what you said is true then the country would have just got on with it despite the risks to the vulnerable but you know that it didn't.

Thinkingabout1t · 22/06/2020 08:29

What exactly do you mean by “the shielded have been used as collateral damage?”

People who need to shield have been put at risk by our government’s lax handling of the crisis. Refusing to quarantine people entering the country (including Brits returning from abroad), letting the virus run free, failing to test and trace until far too late, sending infected but untested patients back to care homes, failing to buy PPE etc, all led to 60,000 deaths. Those failures also mean the virus will spread again after lockdown, so vulnerable people still have to shield.

Clarinet1 · 22/06/2020 08:35

Let me tell you a story - it may not relate to health or Covid but it does have similarities. When I was a student, a friend who was studying a foreign language which meant that she had to spend a year of her course abroad started seeing a guy who was reading a different subject and would be staying in our university base. There was a lot of umming and ahing and soul-searching about whether they should stay together when she went abroad. In the end, they did stay together and have now been married for 30 years!

TeenPlusTwenties · 22/06/2020 08:35

I think the vaccine is closer than you are assuming. iirc they are already testing (in Brazil?) and manufacturing in the hope it works.

I would imagine that healthcare workers and shielders will be the first to be offered it.

MumInBrussels · 22/06/2020 08:36

Why can't he go to the pubs and see his friends and things - since he's not at high risk and he's not going to be seeing you - and still remain in a relationship with you? I'm not sure I understand why he's apparently incapable of going to the pub with friends without remembering he has a partner and not hooking up with someone - plenty of people manage this...

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2020 08:37

Have you sought advice from your doctor - shielding advice has changed over the course of this when they figure it all out and it certainly isnt a death sentence straight away for anyone

elfies · 22/06/2020 08:39

Let him decide for himself ,don't persuade him into it . Be ready if it happens , but please don't persuade yourself in advance that it will happen either .
Enjoy the phone calls, the letters and the fact that you're in a relationship , even if its strange at the moment .
I hope everything works out for you x

Zilla1 · 22/06/2020 08:43

As PPs have said, there would seem to be a half-way house between no contact and ending the relationship. It's nice you don't see the world solely in terms of your benefit but you might not need to push him away. If you're not seeing him as public transport he'd need might indirectly expose you then presumably he'd be free to 'go down the pub' if he wants once this is allowed in his locality without you needing to push him into the arms of some floozie ;-). One question though you'd have thought of it already, if you have a car and can drive, couldn't you drive to seem him and go for a walk outside without exposing anyone on public transport.

Good luck, OP.

unlikelytobe · 22/06/2020 08:56

If he's in it for the long haul then surely he will wait, adapt to the situation, go the extra mile etc . You need to speak to him about this. Also, how committed are you to this relationship? Do you secretly think it's on its last legs?

IdblowJonSnow · 22/06/2020 09:21

Yabu op. If he wants to split up I'm sure he'd tell you.

LouLouLoo · 22/06/2020 09:24

Are your children seeing their friends and are they going back to school in September (on the assumption they’ll be open)?

TitianaTitsling · 22/06/2020 09:31

@FromMarch2020

"the shielded have been used as collateral damage?”

This is TOTALLY untrue. The shielded have been protected. Given food parcels if needed, home shopping, volunteer services. The country trashed financially to avoid the spread and save the vulnerable and the NHS.

If what you said is true then the country would have just got on with it despite the risks to the vulnerable but you know that it didn't.

I agree with this- what other suggestions would you make OP? The entire country stays in lockdown forever?
TheDailyCarbuncle · 22/06/2020 09:32

If catching covid means that you almost certainly won't survive, you must be extremely unwell. The vast, vast majority of people who catch covid, even those with serious illnesses or who are very elderly, survive. What illness do you have that means your chances are so much lower than everyone elses?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 22/06/2020 09:38

Sounds to me like you are just not that into him, to be honest.
There's no way I would suggest DH go just because he couldn't see me for a few months.
Plus, if you really wanted to see him socially distanced, you could, completely safely.
There's nothing stopping him driving and seeing you from 5 metres away if that's what you wanted.

Chickychickydodah · 22/06/2020 09:39

I think you have already made your mind up.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 22/06/2020 09:41

What illness do you have that means your chances are so much lower than everyone elses?

Isn't this a little unfair? We're each entitled to manage our actual and/or perceived risks in a way that satisfies us. (Within legal guidelines obvs.)

notapizzaeater · 22/06/2020 09:46

If he can't get to you can you get to him ? Even for a socially distance coffee ? We're shielding too and the impact on MH has been horrific.

mindutopia · 22/06/2020 09:49

I can't imagine you are very invested in your relationship after 8 years to just drop someone because you will have to spend a few months apart.

When dh and I were dating, we regularly only saw each other about once ever 4 months as we lived in different countries and the flights were very expensive, and it took a couple years for us to sort out jobs and immigration issues so we could be in the same place. I could never have imagined ending our relationship because it was hard being apart.

But if it's run it's course, which maybe it sounds like it has? Then sure, you need to have a conversation about that.

vanillandhoney · 22/06/2020 10:08

To be honest, it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to end the relationship, and this is a convenient get-out clause for you.

Why are you so keen to chuck your eight-year long relationship in the bin?

okiedokieme · 22/06/2020 10:10

Talk to him. He may be of the opinion that he loves you and will wait, wants to keep you safe. Giving him the option is though a good idea so resentment doesn't build