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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice 😪

74 replies

MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 11:41

Hi all,

I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm in desperate need of another point of view. I don't have anyone to talk to.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He moved in with me and my two older kids into my house which was all fully kitted out and he brought with him his stuff.....most of which the house just wasn't big enough for.

He had a seasonal job when we met 8 months of the year which was fine. However, he lost that job within 6 months of moving in. He struggled to find another job so we had to claim UC for a while.

During this time, we were dragged through hell by his ex wife over seeing his kids. She was just awful and her lies caused a lot of trouble in the house. I was extremely stressed by it all and it really got me down. He doesn't see the kids as the ex just made it impossible so even after taking her to court and gaining a contact order, she made the kids lives such a misery he stopped seeing them.

He is in his 40's, he hasn't got a trade and has no career at all. I've let him know that that's not how I want to live my life and I want to thrive and have a good life, not just stand still. He is doing a course but there's just no urgency at all and it drives me mad. We are both in our 40's and time is getting on to buy a house etc. I work a lot and it really grates on me that I have to work so much and how he moved into a ready made home/house and hasn't had to do anything for it. AIBU? Please help, I literally don't know what I think anymore....i just know I feel angry ans resentful towards him xx

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/06/2020 11:44

He's a cocklodger

Get rid

LIZS · 21/06/2020 11:45

What does he contribute to the household? What is the course expected to lead to and why can he not work pt alongside? Sounds like he has it easy and has no motivation to do otherwise, or could he be depressed?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2020 11:45

I think you know what you think. It’s not working for you and it’s time to call it a day.

FuckyNel · 21/06/2020 11:46

Honestly you’ll be better by yourself

Bmidreams · 21/06/2020 11:48

Def a cocklodger. Losing the job after he moved in. Continue to be in a relationship if you like, but ask him to move out. He's a drain on your resources and is taking away from your children. You're too old for this shit. You work hard and have aspirations. This man will not provide the answer. There are plenty of men out there.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 21/06/2020 11:52

Cocklodger. Tell him his free ride is up and it’s time to leave. Life is far too short to spend with a sponger

babbi · 21/06/2020 11:59

Get rid of him immediately and concentrate on your children.
You owe that to them .
You owe nothing to this waster of a man.

And incidentally, I generally take stories of “ difficult ex wives “ with a huge pinch of salt ... it mostly turns out he has been the problem all along .

Good luck .. you will do much better on your own

Starbuggy · 21/06/2020 12:02

Cocklodger and I would be wary of believing the “psycho ex who won’t let him see his kids” line.

Get rid. You’ll be better on your own than supporting a waste of space who doesn’t want to work.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 12:05

Thank you, it's so good to be able to get this off my chest and try to come to some sort of decision.

I'm not sure if he is depressed, he has been in the past though.

I make him come and help me with my job as I was sick and tired of being the only one working. His ex got the cms involved out of pure spite so anything he earns he instantly loses 40% of it making it barely worth working when he can only do low paid work.

His course will take him into computer security but my hunch is that he won't find it so easy to get a job at the end of it. Maybe I'm wrong.

He will do the vacuuming whilst I'm working, clean the bathroom....basic, light stuff. I spend every Saturday cleaning things like walls, doors and doorframe etc. He will cut the grass, trim the hedges etc.

He didn't work most of his life as he was his ex's carer and he met her when he was around 20. He had been in and out of various jobs before that. I remember us talking about what we would've done if we had had a child together and him saying he would've liked to have been a stay at home dad! It floored me completely....it just made me think though that he is lazy and can't be relied upon. Thank god we never had kids. X

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/06/2020 12:08

His ex got the cms involved out of pure spite

Blimey...he's done a number on you, hasn't he?!

Original poster
MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 12:10

I keep snapping because I'm just so unhappy. Now he is storming around the house because I snapped at him and now his feelings are hurt. I snap because I'm stressed to the nines. It really bugs me that he gets up over an hour later than me every morning too. Everything is driving me mad at the moment 😔

OP posts:
Livedandlearned · 21/06/2020 12:11

You could almost be talking about my exh there. The best thing I ever did was dump his lazy ass and my advice to you is to
do the same before he takes up ten years of your life with empty dreams.

Normalmumandwife · 21/06/2020 12:12

I'm constantly amazed at what some women put up with. What does he actually bring to the relationship?

Don't like the term but cocklodger sums him up

Grobagsforever · 21/06/2020 12:14

Why do you think it's spiteful of his ex to seek child support? That's bizarre

JaniceWebster · 21/06/2020 12:15

I couldn't be with someone who is lazy. I could just about put up with someone who couldn't afford to support the entire family financially, but was very driven and and exceeded in a sport, in a physical hobby that took priority. Fair enough, that would make him interesting.

So it's up to you. No one can tell you how to live your life, but you should not put up with someone that doesn't make you happy and doesn't bring you something.

PicsInRed · 21/06/2020 12:16

After everything you've learned first hand about his laziness and fecklessness, and you still believe the ex wife is the problem?

Oh dear.

ThickFast · 21/06/2020 12:19

He sounds such a drain. No wonder you’re feeling snappy. I couldn’t bear to be with someone without a job. Temporarily, fine, but not long term.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2020 12:19

He doesn't see his kids.
He doesn't work.

He sounds like a catch Hmm

Mind, you appear to begrudge him paying to support the children that he doesn't see so maybe you are suited to one another?

fuckinghellapeacock · 21/06/2020 12:20

He has shown you that he is lazy and irresponsible but you seem to be unaware that this is why is ex is so resentful. Why did she go to CMS? Spite? No, because is a work shy, lazy and irresponsible.

GrandAltogetherSo · 21/06/2020 12:20

Anyone that gives up on seeing their kids is clearly a shit dad so stop trying to blame his ex for his pathetic behaviour. She’s not the problem here.

Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

I really don’t understand why you’re putting up with this relationship if it’s not doing much for you? It’s not your role in life to rehabilitate other women’s leftovers.

At least it’s only been 3 years. Get rid and focus on building your own happier life without this waste of space holding you back.

GracieLane · 21/06/2020 12:20

You lost me at his ex got the CMS involved out of pure spite

So it's spiteful now to ask the father of your children to pay towards them?

This man is a nasty manipulative cocklodger. But with comments like that you don't seem much better.

RedRed9 · 21/06/2020 12:21

His ex got the cms involved out of pure spite so anything he earns he instantly loses 40%

Well he doesn’t lose it... it pays for his children.

Original poster
MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 12:21

Not at all do I support him not paying and that's and incredibly cruel thing to say. You have no idea about the whole situation....i don't support that at all.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/06/2020 12:24

It's not spiteful to be paying for his DC. He chose to become a father and therefore chose to have to contribute to the upkeep of his DC regardless of how much/little he sees them. Please don't go down the route of attacking his Ex whilst painting him as some kind of hero - in amongst all of this there are children growing up without their Dad and however it came about, it's still awful.

OP I say this with kindness, but you sound like you're only seeing this from his (very fucked up) point of view - from the outside he sounds like a cliched piece of shit who is taking you for granted. Surely you want/need more in life than some dickless bellend like this who seems to only be able to blame everyone else for his shitty life?

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 21/06/2020 12:29

CMS don't take 40% it's something like 6% , he's lying to you. He's also workshy

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