Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice 😪

74 replies

MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 11:41

Hi all,

I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm in desperate need of another point of view. I don't have anyone to talk to.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He moved in with me and my two older kids into my house which was all fully kitted out and he brought with him his stuff.....most of which the house just wasn't big enough for.

He had a seasonal job when we met 8 months of the year which was fine. However, he lost that job within 6 months of moving in. He struggled to find another job so we had to claim UC for a while.

During this time, we were dragged through hell by his ex wife over seeing his kids. She was just awful and her lies caused a lot of trouble in the house. I was extremely stressed by it all and it really got me down. He doesn't see the kids as the ex just made it impossible so even after taking her to court and gaining a contact order, she made the kids lives such a misery he stopped seeing them.

He is in his 40's, he hasn't got a trade and has no career at all. I've let him know that that's not how I want to live my life and I want to thrive and have a good life, not just stand still. He is doing a course but there's just no urgency at all and it drives me mad. We are both in our 40's and time is getting on to buy a house etc. I work a lot and it really grates on me that I have to work so much and how he moved into a ready made home/house and hasn't had to do anything for it. AIBU? Please help, I literally don't know what I think anymore....i just know I feel angry ans resentful towards him xx

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/06/2020 12:34

So why do you think she got the CMS involved out of spite?

LIZS · 21/06/2020 12:40

Computer security is pretty niche Hmm Unless he has a wild enthusiasm for such he is unlikely to be considered favourably against those coming out of uni. Is it a private distance course by any chance? He does not need a trade he needs a job. Or an apprenticeship to get him relevant work experience.

No way is he "losing" 40 % to CMS. If ex needed to go there he had not contributed previously and is paying arrears now for time he did not but even that would not be 40% . If he is not earning , what is that base don anyway. All the chores you mention most fit in after working a ft job!

AlCalavicci · 21/06/2020 12:41

I cant see why you would resent him paying CM , if the boot was on the other foot I am farily sure everyone on here would be saying keep chasing him for the CM he owes and make sure its back dated .

Is he activly looking for work ?
While I agree I would be anoyed with someone living off the money I earn it is not that easy to get a job , esp in the current climet but he should still be appyling and sending out his CV to all available jobs .

Does he do anything around the house ? cooking cleaning etc without been asked to ( really annoys me when the read the OH cleans and cooks when asked to , like they are doing you a huge favor )

Staying in bed a hour after you is fine as long as he does his fair share when he gets up / it doesnt affect what you were both planing to do for the day .

I presume the coures he is doing is online ( ?) He needs to organise a fixed time to study each day to get himself back on track, but there is not a lot you can ( of feel you shoud have to do ) to sort that out for him .

However if he is not activly looking for work , sits on his arse all day does no cooking / cleaning , wont study etc then it is time to get rid .

Cotswolds10 · 21/06/2020 12:43

No one is being cruel here OP. Of course we don’t know the whole story. We only know what you’ve told us and you’ve asked for our opinions based on what you’ve given us. So then can you tell us why you feel seeking CMS is spiteful?

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/06/2020 12:45

His course will take him into computer security but my hunch is that he won't find it so easy to get a job at the end of it. Maybe I'm wrong.

There is ALOT of demand for this speciality in IT now because everything is being stored in the cloud instead of by individual companies in onsite server banks. So computer security is even more crucial than it ever was before. He has a good chance of finding a job in this field if he gets his course/qualification done.

Has he registered with any recruitment agencies?

TinyPigeon · 21/06/2020 12:46

So he's not paying for his kids either?

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/06/2020 12:51

he was his ex's carer and he met her when he was around 20.

If he was registered as a carer, then he could definitely get a job as a carer in a care home for the time being.

Yes he has to pay CMS but that supports his children. You can’t be angry about him not having as much coming in because he has to pay CMS out of his wages. Is the 40% based on a minimum wage? I’m thinking perhaps the specific monthly amount when he had his old higher paying job by the courts? Since his financial situation has changed, he should at the same time he gets a new job, petition to CMS to have it adjusted based on his new income. CMS isn’t set once for all time, it is meant to be adjusted as you switch jobs.

Magicbabywaves · 21/06/2020 12:51

He sounds like you’ve got what you deserve to be honest. I wondered wether to say that as I’m not here to be unkind, but you’ve described a lazy person who appears to not want to make the effort to see or pay for their children.

Merrz · 21/06/2020 12:55

YANBU, I totally feel this. My dh does work and provides us with a home, he bought it before we were together and I moved in with him, which I know makes me very fortunate and i'm not in your situation. However generally he is quite lazy and has no desire to get on in life where I am a very get up and go want to make something of myself kind of person and his attitude really grates on me to the point I feel like I resent him. It didn't really become an issue until we had DC so now I feel a bit stuck but if I were you I would be telling him where to go!

LIZS · 21/06/2020 12:55

He has a good chance of finding a job in this field if he gets his course/qualification done.

He may be doing a course, but it may not be accredited and recognised.

Redcrow · 21/06/2020 12:57

I cant believe you think she would claim child maintenance out of spite, that comment has really annoyed me. Honestly if he wanted to work he would work. A friend of mines husband recently lost his high flying job, he had a good career earning lots but the week he lost it he went to tesco and got a job because he wanted to provide for his children. If your oh wanted to work he could but hes a lazy deadbeat dad and is using you

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/06/2020 12:57

@LIZS

He has a good chance of finding a job in this field if he gets his course/qualification done.

He may be doing a course, but it may not be accredited and recognised.

Presumably he’s done his research and hasn’t wasted money on an unaccredited qualification.
Lucyccfc68 · 21/06/2020 12:58

Even on minimum wage working 40 hours a week, he would only be expected to pay £43 a week for 1 child, which is peanuts.

He doesn’t work, doesn’t see his children, does minimal work around the house and won’t pay for the children he fathered. Does he have any redeeming features.

kazzer2867 · 21/06/2020 12:59

I'm constantly amazed at what some women put up with.

^^This.

Why oh why do women not think before they move these useless men into their houses. You have this cocklodger in your property with your children who doesn't work, see his children or pay for them. You seem to be focussing on what his ex-wife has done, but look at how he's treating you and then think about what he must have been like with his wife. I just don't understand why women don't want more for themselves. You have children. What sort of example is he setting them. Instead of moaning on here about this waste of space, why don't you get rid of him. You have no ties to him and would better off emotionally and financially without him.

giantangryrooster · 21/06/2020 13:04

If he is lazy, doesn't share your view of the future etc. really doesn't matter.

OP, you have had it that should be enough.

From you point of view, he brings nothing positive to you situation, apparently he brings disruption into you dc's lives.

Tell him it isn't working living together, whether to continue seeing him when he has moved out is up to you two to decide, but let him show he is capable of living on his own, instead of off your back.

giantangryrooster · 21/06/2020 13:06

FFS your not you Confused.

NewtonPulsifer · 21/06/2020 13:18

@kazzer2867

I'm constantly amazed at what some women put up with.

^^This.

Why oh why do women not think before they move these useless men into their houses. You have this cocklodger in your property with your children who doesn't work, see his children or pay for them. You seem to be focussing on what his ex-wife has done, but look at how he's treating you and then think about what he must have been like with his wife. I just don't understand why women don't want more for themselves. You have children. What sort of example is he setting them. Instead of moaning on here about this waste of space, why don't you get rid of him. You have no ties to him and would better off emotionally and financially without him.

This and all the other comments saying the same.

What a depressing read. The spiteful ex, we have no idea of the situation etc. No, we don’t, but what we do know is he has clearly got you wrapped up in his perception of this so he can carry on being a cocklodger.

Have some respect for your kids if you can’t find any respect for yourself and get rid. Is this how you want to spend your life, and if this the example of a happy secure relationship you want to show your kids?

EmeraldShamrock · 21/06/2020 13:21

You've tried it is not working. It is time to say goodbye.

ArriettyJones · 21/06/2020 13:25

His ex got the cms involved out of pure spite so anything he earns he instantly loses 40% of it making it barely worth working when he can only do low paid work.

Forty percent? In CM payments? Someone’s telling porkies OP.

ArriettyJones · 21/06/2020 13:28

Oh and applying for CM is never, ever “spite”.

imsooverthisdrama · 21/06/2020 13:30

Sorry but it's not spiteful to get cm , I can probably see why in the way you've described him .
If he regularly paid she wouldn't of had to get cm involved.
Lazy at worst he does help around the house so I'd not say lazy .
I'd say he's just not motivated by life and you and him want different things .
Some people are quite comfortable just getting by not planning anything it sounds like you want more .
He can't be arsed paying for his kids or fighting for them or working .
Come on you know what to do .

ArriettyJones · 21/06/2020 13:33

@PicsInRed

After everything you've learned first hand about his laziness and fecklessness, and you still believe the ex wife is the problem?

Oh dear.

This!
Rinoachicken · 21/06/2020 13:39

I honestly had took a double take reading this - he sounds - he sounds EXACTLY like my ex - even your current setup sounds the same!

Except in my case my ex isn’t even paying the child support - it comes out of his partners account, so SHE is paying for his kids!!!

Doyoumind · 21/06/2020 13:43

Why are CMS taking 40% of his income? I'm not sure that can be right even if it's what he tells you.

If he had a court order and didn't see his DC that's because he gave up. He sounds like a total waste of space. Don't waste any more of your time on him.

Mummytime1 · 21/06/2020 13:44

Do yourself a favour get rid ASAP

Swipe left for the next trending thread