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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice 😪

74 replies

MinusFamily · 21/06/2020 11:41

Hi all,

I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm in desperate need of another point of view. I don't have anyone to talk to.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He moved in with me and my two older kids into my house which was all fully kitted out and he brought with him his stuff.....most of which the house just wasn't big enough for.

He had a seasonal job when we met 8 months of the year which was fine. However, he lost that job within 6 months of moving in. He struggled to find another job so we had to claim UC for a while.

During this time, we were dragged through hell by his ex wife over seeing his kids. She was just awful and her lies caused a lot of trouble in the house. I was extremely stressed by it all and it really got me down. He doesn't see the kids as the ex just made it impossible so even after taking her to court and gaining a contact order, she made the kids lives such a misery he stopped seeing them.

He is in his 40's, he hasn't got a trade and has no career at all. I've let him know that that's not how I want to live my life and I want to thrive and have a good life, not just stand still. He is doing a course but there's just no urgency at all and it drives me mad. We are both in our 40's and time is getting on to buy a house etc. I work a lot and it really grates on me that I have to work so much and how he moved into a ready made home/house and hasn't had to do anything for it. AIBU? Please help, I literally don't know what I think anymore....i just know I feel angry ans resentful towards him xx

OP posts:

RB68 · 21/06/2020 13:46

hmmm I agree with what has been said except for the anyone who fails to continue to fight to see his kids is a shit Dad - actually when you have been told in no uncertain terms the court will never approve you seeing the kids you need to step down, pay the costs and move on - you are not good enough to see them. If its court ordered then he needs to go back to court. Also 40% of what he earns - don't think so

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2020 13:52

spend every Saturday cleaning things like walls, doors and doorframe etc.

Why oh why do you do that? What’s getting on your walls?!

He sounds like he’s doing a lot around the house tbh and he shouldn’t have to get up when you do, what’s that about?

But I’ve already said bin him off, you’re stressed, chippy, unhappy, life is probably harder with him in.

Cfmcg900 · 21/06/2020 13:57

She applied for cms out of spite? No she applied to pay for his children fucking hell he’s got you well taught.

On a 2K take home monthly income cms is around 300 quid which is certainly not 40pc. So he’s lying there as well.

You already know the answer but do you really want an unemployed freeloaded who happily doesn’t pay for his children in your home?

FurbabyLife · 21/06/2020 14:08

He should already be gone and out of your life! Get completely rid! This person will never make you happy and your life with him will be nothing but stressful!

FirTree31 · 21/06/2020 14:11

40 % 😂 he must owe back pay or something or he's lying.

Also I don't understand your anger towards his ex when you have only spent 3 years together and this is how you feel, without the pressure of having a child together (although I am not underestimating parenting your own children).

You don't seem to be gaining anything from his presence OP.

StrangeTimes · 21/06/2020 14:18

His ex got the cms involved out of pure spite
WTF???

And he doesn't see his kids despite there being a court order in place?

As a PP said, he's really got you well trained eh?

Waste of space Cocklodger!

Itwasntme1 · 21/06/2020 14:19

So he doesn’t contribute to your family, and he doesn’t support his own family.

And you resent it when his ex tries to get money for his children.

You are setting a horrific example for your children. Ask him to leave, paddle your own canoe.

Teach your children that both parents have a responsibility to provide for their children,

quizqueen · 21/06/2020 14:25

He probably could have found full time, reasonably well paid work on a farm during lockdown, if he had made the effort and had the right attitude. The farmers were crying out for people.

2bazookas · 21/06/2020 14:35

Sounds like you and the ex wife might have a lot more in common than you think.

Maybe you should reconsider if she really is the liar he claims. Or is it him, and you've been suckered.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/06/2020 14:58

And you're still letting him leech off you ... why, exactly?

Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 14:58

Two words, fuck that.

Get rid OP he's a waste of space, not least because he begrudges paying for his children and would rather not see them than have to deal with his ex.

I would be inclined to feel sorry for his ex wife if I were you, not be angry towards her. Imagine having two children to a waste of space who doesn't see nor pay for them.

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/06/2020 15:59

40% my arse.

Is this a reverse?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2020 20:52

Is this a reverse?

How could it possibly be a bloody reverse? A handful of threads I’ve seen today have had that on them, for no obvious reason. if you doubt the OP is legit then report it.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 22/06/2020 01:04

Such a strange coincidence how all these lazy selfish men have a succession of 'crazy' 'spiteful' exes who ' tell lies' about them and 'make it too difficult' for them to see their children.

Why do women believe it? OP do you really think the ex is the problem? Really?

She's just another woman who was sucked in by a deadbeat and then wisened up and got rid. If you are smart you'll do the same, and his next girlfriend will get to hear all about you.

Drop him. He is a parasite taking resources you need for retirement and your own children.

Also- Not the point, but why are you spending your weekend cleaning walls and door frames? How dirty could they possibly get?

Vodkacranberryplease · 22/06/2020 01:35

All I would say is that you need to check if the facts you laid out in the opening posts are facts - or what he told you. What evidence have you seen?

He was dumped for a reason. No woman with young children dumps their partner just because.

I think he's full of shit and when you start peeling away the layers you'll find the same. Don't move in with him..

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 22/06/2020 01:36

Ugh, he is a disgusting parasite of a human being. Not content with taking food out of his own kids mouths he has come to scrounge off you and your children.
Get rid and work on your confidence.
You deserve to be loved by someone whos capable of holding their head over water on their own. You owe him nothing. Certainly less than he owes his children which he does sweet fuck all for.

He is a through and through user.
His story with his ex, being her carer now not seeing the kids or paying for them doesnt seem to ring true.
He uses women.
He punishes his children. I assume if their mum is still unwell they live off UC whilst their impotent twat of a dad talks about an imaginary loss of 40% of his wages if he worked.. well with him not working you dont get anything from him coming into your household.

Hes taking the absolute piss put of both you and your children, and his children and his ex.

CuppaZa · 22/06/2020 01:47

Oh dear. OP, he’s lied about so many things. Do you realise that? Wise up. Find your self respect.

imsooverthisdrama · 22/06/2020 18:49

Again a post where the op asks for advice everyone tells her what she already knows but doesn't want to hear and she vanishes .
Why op why start a post and leave ?

Quietheart · 22/06/2020 19:02

CMS don’t take 40% how many kids does he have, does he have arrears? Is this why she took him to CMS because he didn’t pay, that’s not spite is it, having to force a man to pay for his own children. And you see this as him losing money? He’s using it as an excuse not to work 40% of nothing is, well nothing, he could still bring 60% home.

Wake up OP he’s lived off her for years as her carer and now he’s moved on to you.

Doodar · 22/06/2020 19:13

MissConductUS · 22/06/2020 19:14

His course will take him into computer security but my hunch is that he won't find it so easy to get a job at the end of it. Maybe I'm wrong.

DH works in IT so I asked him about this. His response was that computer security is not something you study without perquisites. You have to understand networking, how software is written and functions, major operating systems, etc. Usually it would be studied as an additional credential for someone with a broad IT background or a degree in computer science, and without that background it would be difficult to get hired to do it.

So color me skeptical that this is an earnest path to a new career.

Prettybubblesintheair · 22/06/2020 19:24

Look whatever the rights and wrongs of the relationship you’ve got resentment towards him now and that will just eat you up and turn the relationship even more sour. Just end it, you’re not right together.

catsoup · 22/06/2020 19:49

CMS can take 40% of a person's wage through a deduction of earnings which comes straight off the wage. That means he hasn't been paying, built up arrears and didn't speak to CMS to come to an arrangement to repay. Entirely his own fault.

Quietheart · 22/06/2020 20:00

@catsoup yes that’s what I was thinking there must be arrears for it to be as high as 40% no matter how many kids he pays for especially as he has 2 children in his current household.

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