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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should walk me down the aisle?

86 replies

Deedoubleyou · 21/06/2020 09:42

Settle in for the backstory....

My mum and dad had me and got married in their teens. The marriage lasted 2 years and my mum and stepdad have been married since I was 5. My dad was quite absent when I was younger and would leave me with my grandparents (who I loved very much) on his access weekends. My stepdad was always there but we had a volatile relationship as he was very stern and had a bad temper.

Fast forward to now and both my dad and stepdad have really stepped up since my daughter was born and I have a great relationship with both of them.

I know that both of them are fully expecting to walk me down the aisle and I just don't know what to do. Either way I'm going to hurt someone I really care about.

AIBU to have both walk me down? Anyone been in a similar postion?

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 21/06/2020 10:38

I had the same situation with Df and step-dad. I don't like the 'giving away' tradition because of what it historically signifies, so Exh and I walked down the aisle together hand in hand.

saraclara · 21/06/2020 11:10

I don't think anyone really sees the father is 'giving her away' in any literal sense. But for those who want to do it, it's more about a special bit of time where a parent accompanies the bride on her walk along the aisle. I can't see why anyone would resent that. And I say that as someone whose daughter walked alone, which was lovely in its own way.

mencken · 21/06/2020 11:14

OP has made her own decision and it will be both.

wouldn't be for me either, but then as I recall a registry office doesn't have an aisle and you just turn up together.

WildOrchids67 · 21/06/2020 11:21

When my older half sister got married, she had her step dad walk her down the aisle. Our dad was really hurt by that. Granted, when he and her mum split she moved with my sister 300 miles away so they weren't as close as my dad would have liked, but he'd always made an effort to keep in touch and tried to make sure we knew each other growing up (hard with the distance and less technology then). I think having both is a good compromise.

HaudMaDug · 21/06/2020 11:37

Do you have a dog? Walk him/her down and hand off to your bridesmaid, that's what I always planned to save family disagreement.
Certainly since adulthood its my dogs who have filled the family role in my life.

kazzer2867 · 21/06/2020 11:55

@QueenArseClangers

Christ, it’s 2020.

Are us women still being seen a property to be ‘given away’ by one
man to another?

^^This.

My mum walked both her daughters down the aisle. If she had not wanted to they would have walked by themselves. We need to move past this tradition which is steeped in sexism and full of patriarchal ownership,

81Byerley · 21/06/2020 12:46

Some of the replies on here , the ones about it being a tradition linked to patriarchy, make me remember why I'm happy to be out of the world of work and ultra PC nonsense. I hate sexism as much as the next thinking woman, but this is a tradition that is very old, and really doesn't mean a lot more than "Something borrowed something blue" or "Here's a sixpence for your shoe
", . In my experience, having been given away by my father the first time, and my eldest son the second time, those two experiences were an opportunity for a few minutes of loving support. In both cases, I felt looked after by the men involved, and in both cases I knew that their supporting me meant that they were happy with my marriage.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/06/2020 12:51

Fast forward to now and both my dad and stepdad have really stepped up since my daughter was born and I have a great relationship with both of them.

So basically they were both shitty selfish people when it came to good parenting and actual self-sacrifice for you, but now you're grown up and there's nothing required of them but to have fun playing grandad, they're all for it?

Don't worry about hurting either one of them, they had no qualms about hurting you. I would have no-one.

MaggieFS · 21/06/2020 12:58

@81Byerley I couldn't agree more. And actually for my C of E wedding the language used isn't 'give away' it's 'who brings this woman'. I was almost 40 and 100% independent but having that moral support was amazing and there is no one else I would have chosen. It was totally fitting that my dad had 'brought' me to that point in my life.

confusedbymyheritage · 21/06/2020 13:48

Depending how old your DD is she could.

If you're marrying her father is symbolises her bringing you two together.

If you're marrying someone who's not her dad then it's welcoming him into your whole life and family, DD and all.

Purplephonecover · 21/06/2020 13:58

Have both or none. You can walk yourself down the aisle if you want

user1487194234 · 21/06/2020 16:44

Your Dad

LillianBland · 21/06/2020 17:08

@user1487194234

Your Dad
Why? He had little to do with her, until he started playing grandma.
Georgielovespie · 21/06/2020 17:16

How old is your daughter? Could you walk down together?

I had both my parents walk me down, I was 25 and it was 20 years ago. My Dad was a very hands parent, my Mum worked evenings or weekends when we were really little. They both raised me, so they both walked me down. If I was doing it now, I would walk down with Dh.

Stepoffthecarousel · 21/06/2020 17:23

I can't believe people still do the whole male family member giving you away. It's ridiculous. One poster said a male friend could do it. Why not a female friend? One poster said a brother. Why not a sister? Someone said a grandad. Why not a grandma? It's 2020 for goodness sake. You are not property to be given away.

I understand it would be nice to have someone walking with you down the aisle while everyone is staring. It's comforting to have a loved one there for that. It doesn't have to be a man.

If your mum doesn't want to do it, you could have any loved one walk with you or you could ask your Dad AND your step dad.
If I ever get married, I'd ask my mum and my dad.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 21/06/2020 17:24

I did many invite my Dad to my wedding. My step-dad was invited. However I didn't want my Dad to be hurt when he saw the photos so my Mum did it. I wanted my dog personally 😂

Both of them sounds good. No one is offended then.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 21/06/2020 17:25

Didn't invite my Dad that should say

Sparklyring · 21/06/2020 17:28

I had this exact issue so I chose my Mum.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/06/2020 21:09

I can't believe people still do the whole male family member giving you away. It's ridiculous.
If I ever get married, I'd ask my mum and my dad.

Surely that is still sexist with the bride in the virginal white gown being delivered to the waiting man. You and your groom should walk down the aisle together. Also remember to not throw the bouquet and all the women should make speeches and toasts too!

Some people like parts of tradition even though they don't agree with the traditional meanings, no harm and each to their own.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 21/06/2020 23:26

Stepdad. Your dad couldn't even cope with weekend visits and your stepdad stepped up when he didn't have to.

JaceLancs · 22/06/2020 00:06

DD couldn’t choose between her DF and my DP who was around for many years
Asked DS instead which made me very happy - it’s not about giving away - just a bit of tradition
DS is the younger of the 2 and gay - but they are very close and it was a perfect solution
If I ever remarried I would be walking down there on my own!

TotorosFurryBehind · 22/06/2020 00:07

Walk down together with your husband

Allmyeye · 22/06/2020 00:16

You appear to have made up your mind OP which is great.
I do know someone in your position who had one wall her down the aisle and the other make the speech. Just thought I’d put that idea forward.

Euclid · 22/06/2020 03:05

Sounds a dilemma for you OP. You can't have both your father and stepfather. Presumably they resent each other. Your father obviously comes first but if your mother objects to this I would choose somebody neutral.
However if you already have a child, it is not a proper "walk down the aisle" wedding, so on second thoughts just walk down the aisle on your own.

kinneddar · 22/06/2020 03:14

Sounds a dilemma for you OP. You can't have both your father and stepfather. Presumably they resent each other

🙄 If you RTFT you'll see the OP has said they get on well together and she's decided to ask them both