Time taken to reply to texts - AIBU?

[wheresmymojo]

TLDR: Is it unreasonable not to be held to a 24 hour turnaround on text messages by a friend when I am working my arse off setting up 3 businesses trying desperately to avoid bankruptcy?

Due to lockdown I'm unemployed and DH is furloughed but only only £500 per month as he is self employed via a Ltd company.

Our income went from c£10k per month after tax to £1k per month which nowhere near covers our outgoings! We have burned through our savings and are on the precipice of financial disaster.

Due to the above we have set up three new businesses during lockdown. All are in start up phase which means tonnes of work, they are starting to generate some income (not enough to be back from financial disaster but every little helps and it's promising that maybe we might be able to dig ourselves out of this hole).

I feel like this is important context/background.

I have a friend, we'll call her Claire. Claire is very troubled - she has multiple MH issues. A lot of the time she's perfectly lovely company, sometimes the way she reacts to things can make her a real pain in the arse. Due to being a pain in the arse she's alienated herself from all of our mutual friends. I am her last friend.

She has asked to see me once a week because she's having a difficult time (has been for 3 years). I agreed because I felt sorry for her and seemed like the right thing to do even though I'm really busy with the businesses.

Due to having a difficult time she cancels and reschedules c. 80% of these meet ups over the past year due to insomnia/flashbacks/low mood/anxiety.

Fine. I decided not to be annoyed about this, be glad to have the time back and just reschedule.

I sometimes take a few days to get back to her texts about meeting up due to busyness - example is she texted me last Sunday night about meeting up this weekend. I replied on Weds afternoon that I had plans.

She said "Hi X please can you let me know within a day or so when it comes to making arrangements, so that I can make my own plans. My time is just as important as yours x"

I felt a bit pissed off TBH as a) She cancels 80% of our plans, which while I understand the reasons for, seems a bit rich to then put the last sentence b) I won't be held to some kind of 24 hour SLA on text messages when I'm busy as fuck trying to keep our head above water.

I replied "I’ll do my best but I definitely won’t always be able to reply within 24 hours as crazy busy.

I’d say if I haven’t got back and something else comes up that you want to do - say yes to that thing and just let me know that you’re not available on the original day anymore. I think that’s how most people deal with similar situations." Then went on in the text to chat about meeting on Monday.

Now she wants to "talk about it when we see each other"

My inclination is to stick to what I said in my text message - as in "Claire, I understand you're having tough times but so are we, I'm working my arse off just to stay afloat and I won't commit to always coming back within a day because I know that won't always be possible. If something else comes up for you then and I haven't got back to you then either a) text me to say 'are you on for Saturday because I've got another option?' and that will give me an extra nudge to come back or b) do the other thing and we'll find another time'

I know she thinks I'm being massively unreasonable, am I?

Sorry, long post!

She already has a lot of external support - she has had multiple stays in a private psychiatric hospital over the past couple of years where you get access to therapy and your psychiatrist.

Now she has weekly (or maybe twice weekly) therapy sessions on Zoom and sees her psychiatrist regularly.

If I text somebody about meeting up and they reply three days later I won't be texting them again

YANBU.

Yes, it may only take 30secs to write a text. But it seems as though there’s a whole lot of brain space and emotional energy involved in remaining as a friend to this woman. More than you seem to have energy for. She needs to understand that you have huge demands on your energy.

And that if she rearranged 80% of the time, this is her not valuing your time.

I have a friend a bit like this - I really can’t cope with her if I’m under stress myself - the suck of emotional energy is too great. If I’m on an even keel and not feeling harassed myself, we have lovely times and I realise what good company she is. But I can’t deal when I’m under stress, and she makes it worse by plaintive emails snout whether she’s offended me.

Some people can be lovely but also suck ones emotions ...

I then tried giving her access to my calendar so she could book in for these zoom calls when she was feeling well enough as long as she gave me an hour's notice. She hasn't done that once

You really are a generous friend. She is manipulating you - she wants to exert control. This is often a symptom of mental in wellness, in my experience.

I think this is what roles you. If it were me, I’d have backed off ages ago. I couldn’t be doing with Claire’s level of control and selfishness. They may be due to mental illness, but you know, you can have a mental illness and still be a bit of an arsehole.

Agree with pps friendship has run its course.

I have MH issues myself so have been drawn sometimes to unequal friendships where I’m “fixing” the other person by supporting them. I hugely regret the time and energy I spent tbh - I felt I was being controlled a lot of the time - rather than ask multiple friends/professional services for support I’d be declared their “sole support” and they’d kind of want to leech off my energy and seemed quite resentful of me?

and I was probably enabling them by volunteering for the role of emotional whipping girl rather than leaving them to manage and take responsibility and find strategies for their own mental health? (As I do myself)

She is being v unreasonable and controlling. You are under no obligation to respond to texts straight away, or even at all. So what if it’s rude? She’s trying to exert power over you - cancelling meetings, telling you that you’ll discuss your behaviour when you next meet up, taking no account of your own situation. I’d take the power back and tell her you are concerned about her mental health and her behaviour is becoming irrational and she needs to seek help.

I text back when I have time if busy, and friends know I'm not attached to my phone, but I'd say anything over 48 hours unless it comes with genuine excuse/apology for not getting back earlier, is telling the other person you don't feel they're important in your life.

Claire sounds like she feels she is, and doesn't like being, your 'out of pity friend' to me and is trying to re-establish her 'value' as an equal, worthy of being treated as someone you should want to respond to and see.

You sound like you feel you've bent over backwards for a long time and been worn thin and in your heart of hearts don't really want to deal with Claire anymore, aside from being really busy, stressed etc.

She may just want to talk to you about it in person to let you know as you're now too busy for her, she's dropping you.

just tell her to assume that no reply = you're not coming and to do whatever she likes.

I couldn't be at the beck and call of anyone and I get back to people when I have the time and the inclination; my friends are the same and we rub along very nicely. Expecting someone to reply instantly is rude as you have no idea what they are doing and besides that if someone hasn't got much on but doesn't feel like replying straight away I'm not going to take my bat and ball home; that's fine by me. People are entitled to a private life without technology encroaching every few minutes.

Is your bank manager on here by the way, there was a comment about how much you SHOULD have saved? Just soooo irresponsible saving when you could be claiming off the state instead eh? Good luck with your businesses you sound very enterprising.

@LudaMusser

If I text somebody about meeting up and they reply three days later I won't be texting them again

What about someone who doesn't show up to 80% of meet ups?

YABU it takes a minute to send a text back, unless you are waiting to see if you get a better offer.

YANBU she's a very draining friend from the sounds of it. I wouldn't like to be held to replying to a friend within a set amount of time either. Maybe time to part ways or dial it down as a PP says.

I’m the only one with @TinyPigeon 10k a month and you’re on your arse after 3 month ?

I’m bad at texting back and sometimes think I will do it later and forget. I can understand how you can get too busy but I might make a special effort for a friend struggling with poor mental health.

waiting 3 days to text a friend back who you know has mental health issues. Is unkind And ride. bully for you having so many friends you can’t possibly text back.

The OP’s finances are not the point of the thread.

I think you’re being very reasonable given everything happening in your life, her life and the world. The simplest answer is if you can’t commit to her suggested catch up time, you tell her that ASAP.

You need to stop pandering to her demands, her expectations, and her needs. Consider them and understand them but you don’t need to move mountains to accommodate them.

waiting 3 days to text a friend back who you know has mental health issues. Is unkind And ride.

I have a very random friend and sometimes it takes us months to get back in touch. He has MH issues. When he asks for help, I'm there. But why on earth should I make his MH the defining feature of our friendship? He'd loathe that.

The OP’s finances are not the point of the thread

It was the OP who mentioned her finances and it is because of lack of money that she is so busy trying to improve her finances, that she has no time to text her friend. Cause and effect.

Sounds like there's a bit of a power struggle (on her side). Why do you have to say when? She can suggest a time when she's free...and if she doesn't then...well...

I stopped reading to say that I love your use of circa. We don’t see that enough on MN.

I’m amazed at a lot of these answers. Replying to that sort of question in your circumstances does take time: time to assess your work load and whether you might need to spend that time working/catching up on family time/doing housework/having a well deserved rest. If your diary isn’t in front of you then it means going to find it which could break concentration so is better done when you have a break in tasks. But then when you have a break you have a huge backlog of other things which are higher priority (renewing insurance, getting washing in before dark, etc). Plus replying to the message will mark it as read so it will be less likely to be seen later.

Whilst you seem to bending over backwards to do some stuff in a way that suits her she needs to understand that not everything can be done on her terms.

She sounds hard work tbh. In future if she texts, just text back 'I'm not sure, will let you know' I get that sometimes if you text someone with a time to set up, its annoying if you don't hear back.

Also sounds like shes happy to pull you up on what she feels is unacceptable behaviour, however you've let things slide. That's bound to make you feel hard done to, but it just means she addresses things that upset her, rather than what you do, you let is slide.

I have a friend who takes days to respond to a text, if at all, and it’s very annoying. I hardly bother these days because of it. I appreciate she maybe busy, as you are, but it leaves me wondering if she’s even got the text at all. As others have said, a quick text takes seconds. Can’t you just acknowledge you received it and say you’ll get back to her when you’ve got a few minutes to check your schedule? In my friend’s case, I think she’s rather scatty and if she doesn’t reply straightaway she tends to forget, but you seem to have bigger issues going on with your friend.

I cant stand people who do this, it's the height of rudeness

It really isn’t. If you need an urgent response, phone the person from whom you need the response. When you text, you ought to expect that people will reply as and when they are able, and that might be a few days. Not everybody is wedded to their phones or to communication by text, and you aren’t entitled to demand that people respond in accordance with your timetable.

You’re not too busy to text her back because it takes a matter of seconds to reply. You are probably just fed up with being at the beck and call of someone that can’t be arsed to turn up most of the time. What’s the point in arranging something if she’s not going to turn up anyway? I think I’d just tell her you need some space because you’re very busy trying to stay afloat. I hate needy friends it drags you down. I think I’d have sacked her off a while ago OP, having mental health issues doesn’t give you a free pass to dictate everybody’s life.

@LudaMusser

If I text somebody about meeting up and they reply three days later I won't be texting them again

I have friends who do shift work, or have tiny kids, and of course it takes a while sometimes.