Time taken to reply to texts - AIBU?

[wheresmymojo]

TLDR: Is it unreasonable not to be held to a 24 hour turnaround on text messages by a friend when I am working my arse off setting up 3 businesses trying desperately to avoid bankruptcy?


Due to lockdown I'm unemployed and DH is furloughed but only only £500 per month as he is self employed via a Ltd company.

Our income went from c£10k per month after tax to £1k per month which nowhere near covers our outgoings! We have burned through our savings and are on the precipice of financial disaster.

Due to the above we have set up three new businesses during lockdown. All are in start up phase which means tonnes of work, they are starting to generate some income (not enough to be back from financial disaster but every little helps and it's promising that maybe we might be able to dig ourselves out of this hole).

I feel like this is important context/background.

I have a friend, we'll call her Claire. Claire is very troubled - she has multiple MH issues. A lot of the time she's perfectly lovely company, sometimes the way she reacts to things can make her a real pain in the arse. Due to being a pain in the arse she's alienated herself from all of our mutual friends. I am her last friend.

She has asked to see me once a week because she's having a difficult time (has been for 3 years). I agreed because I felt sorry for her and seemed like the right thing to do even though I'm really busy with the businesses.

Due to having a difficult time she cancels and reschedules c. 80% of these meet ups over the past year due to insomnia/flashbacks/low mood/anxiety.

Fine. I decided not to be annoyed about this, be glad to have the time back and just reschedule.

I sometimes take a few days to get back to her texts about meeting up due to busyness - example is she texted me last Sunday night about meeting up this weekend. I replied on Weds afternoon that I had plans.

She said "Hi X please can you let me know within a day or so when it comes to making arrangements, so that I can make my own plans. My time is just as important as yours x"

I felt a bit pissed off TBH as a) She cancels 80% of our plans, which while I understand the reasons for, seems a bit rich to then put the last sentence b) I won't be held to some kind of 24 hour SLA on text messages when I'm busy as fuck trying to keep our head above water.

I replied "I’ll do my best but I definitely won’t always be able to reply within 24 hours as crazy busy.

I’d say if I haven’t got back and something else comes up that you want to do - say yes to that thing and just let me know that you’re not available on the original day anymore. I think that’s how most people deal with similar situations." Then went on in the text to chat about meeting on Monday.

Now she wants to "talk about it when we see each other"

My inclination is to stick to what I said in my text message - as in "Claire, I understand you're having tough times but so are we, I'm working my arse off just to stay afloat and I won't commit to always coming back within a day because I know that won't always be possible. If something else comes up for you then and I haven't got back to you then either a) text me to say 'are you on for Saturday because I've got another option?' and that will give me an extra nudge to come back or b) do the other thing and we'll find another time'


I know she thinks I'm being massively unreasonable, am I?

Sorry, long post!

[lankylemon]

OP this just doesn’t sound like a friendship. She seems to be very reliant on you which can be really difficult and put pressure on you. It would be ok to gently set boundaries.

[Aweebawbee]

This is going to make me sound really old, but if she needed a quick response, why didn't she phone you?

[Sparticuscaticus]

whereismymojo
You're being (over) understanding of Claire, letting things slide about her behaviour to you. You're under enormous stress, working crazy busy hours on multiple projects let alone having a house to decorate & run and husband and other friends to see. Claire wants to book and then cancel your time last minute, but you must do x y z.... I bet the meet ups with her aren't fun either, it's all about her and her problems. Now she wants to talk about your behaviour that you're not responding within 24 hours to her text...

Take a step back. This has disaster written all over it

You're going to blow your top if she tries to talk to you in a moaning way at "what you're not doing" because of everything you are bloody doing for her!!"

Either you'll blow your top at her, or surpress it and end of shouting at someone else over the next few days, at work, at home, in the car, ... It'll leak out somewhere.

Take a break from Claire, you aren't responsible for her. Nor do you have a contract with her. You're too busy and have your own stuff right now to meet her. Time to put your ability to cope and peace of mind first. I'll help you do it simply and quickly ..

' Hi Claire, you're right I don't have time. Too busy right now, I need to look after my own mental well-being. Will catch up in a few weeks or month or so, when I can. Take care"

Then block her (temporary, but you don't need to read her angst about it, she has a therapist for that)

If she gets through, repeat that you've taken a break, and you'll contact her when you can (ie you are ready) ...

[Dragonsanddinosaurs]

It's all about her isn't it. I think you have done well to keep the friendship going this long. Does she show any concern about your situation at all?

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

I think If you're trying to arrange something, three day delays to respond to a text are frustrating. Different if it's just a hi how are you text.

[ittakes2]

You are being incredibly kind to this friend although it does puzzle me why even if you are crazy busy it takes you 3 days to write a sentence or two which literally takes less than 30 seconds to write. I suspect you are delaying the response as you are not keen which is fair enough. You technically have 30 seconds but mentally don’t and are avoiding it if you see what I mean. I would just tell her you enjoy her friendship but you really need to focus on your current situation and say hope to catch up later this year.

[Karwomannghia]

She sounds very draining. Her mindset is in a completely different place to yours with her spending all her time thinking about her own thoughts and feelings whereas as you don’t have the time to do that. But she’s managed to upset you and cause you to think about her which is what often ends up happening.
I would say you can’t see anyone at the moment, sorry, you’ve got your own issues and be prepared to ignore her or repeat that message if she wants to go over it endlessly. I have a similar friend and I’ve made boundaries to myself and whilst I agree to meet her I know that it’s very likely to be cancelled or delayed and assume it won’t happen. I also try to recognise when her problems start to take up too much of my headspace and acknowledge that it’s not helpful for her or me and to push those thoughts away.

[pasturesgreen]

If a friend didn't get back to me about a prospective meet up for three days, I'd just assume she didn't want to see me.

I get what PPs have said about working shifts etc., but come on, we aren't talking about a long chatty email here. It takes 30 seconds tops to shoot off a quick "so sorry, busy this weekend, let's do some other time". And then you can forget about it instead of having the need to reply niggling at the back of your mind.

[MotherofKitties]

You're not being unreasonable OP. You're friend is being demanding and ignorant to your own pressures. I hate being held or expected to reply to messages within a certain timeframe; I'll answer them when I can! And if it's that urgent just ring...

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

A few days is ridiculous no matter how busy you are. A reply takes 15 seconds. Its only taken me 45 seconds to write this.

[nanbread]

Haven't read everything but your backstory seems irrelevant tbh and you're at risk of taking out your stress on her unnecessarily.

I would just reply saying, "I'm not in a place where I can reply within a specific time frame at the moment. Hope you understand."

[Swirlyceiling]

I think you are both being unreasonable.

Her saying her time is just as important as yours when she cancels all the time is unreasonable. But it shouldn't take 3 days to reply to a text, especially when she texts a week in advance.

I have some friends that take a few days to reply and it drives me mad. Usually if I text on Sunday and they don't reply until Wednesday, I will make other plans in the mean time, and if they reply saying 'yes I can do Sunday', I have to awkwardly reply 'sorry can't do it any more, it's been a few days since I asked'. It takes 30 seconds to reply, even if you just say 'really busy right now, I'll get back to you properly later'.

[Carrotcakefiend]

YANBU.

I feel for you OP, you're clearly trying to be a true friend, and supportive when you have limited "you" to give.

Your friend is controlling your friendship (maybe unconsciously), using her mental health as part of the argument. It's not ideal. MH issues (as I'm sure you already know, not lecturing!) are really hard to live with for her, and for you to support... But they don't trump other issues in life. Also, you just gotta look after yourself, or you won't be any position to help anyone!

I have a good friend with extreme anxiety. We've been friends for decades... And there have been times when I have found it helpful to ask myself 'if it was me and another friend (without MH issues) in this situation, how would I act? Feel? Would it seem reasonable?' MH is a complication, yes, but the 'rules' of friendship remain the same. So if you wouldn't let another friend do it, don't. I found it was also helpful for my friendship too, because it sets clear boundaries that in the end - for my friend anyway - made her feel safer because she knew what to expect.

Finally... It might help to ask yourself what are you gaining from this relationship. Friendships are always both ways, and emotional support systems are something else. Unless one of your businesses is counselling, there are other places she can seek support from once a week (!) And it might help your relationship to take an emotional step back. DK your situation with her obvs. Hope this helps x

[sonjadog]

I think the waiting three days to respond to an invitation to meet up is long, but I wonder if you waited because you have run out of steam regarding this friendship? If it were another friend, would you have replied more quickly? It sounds like you don't have the energy to support her at the moment. I would tell her you don't have the time to meet at the moment and leave it for a while. In a few months you might find your interest in meeting returns, or you might find that you have had enough of this friendship.

[Sparticuscaticus]

The presenting issue was 'taking 3 days to reply to a text' which you may get 50:50 answers on as an AIBU but that isn't the issue is it?

It's not a text merely asking for reply
I suggest it's irrelevant whether PPs think it's rude or not to wait 3 days., as it's the wrong question that we are answering.

Her text is demand for certain behaviours from you at your expense, not a simple text, one that has extra work - to arrange your ever changing meet up that you have to think about , and move other responsibilities / fit around everything else, when you don't have time to stop or think as it is. The day /time changes each week anyway at her doing and she turns up less than 20% of the times to plans SHE made, you really don't have time or energy for this or her putting increasing rules on you

The real issue is - that text is about-
It's her expectations, her demands on you and that you have been declared her only friend that must do as she says and carve out a chunk each week for her and also give her the highest priority even when you are so busy you can't stop or think. She gets more headspace than you actual husband and real two-way friends!! All because 'you know, her MH comes first as it's what she needs'. It's not what you need though! Her MH does not trump your emotional well-being nor the financial crises you are going through right now.

I commented earlier today with advice to step back and how to do so, briefly and clearly, as it's about your emotional well-being too and recognising how her behaviour is impacting on you. You have already started to do so by posting this thread on MN

.

[Daftodil]

Neither of you are unreasonable. It's not unreasonable to be busy, but it isn't unreasonable to want to be able to plan your time either.

Maybe it'd be better to stick to last minute plans rather than trying to make arrangements a week ahead. Eg. "What are you up to this morning, fancy a cuppa?" Rather than "what are you doing next week?" She can make plans with other planners and fit you into the gaps rather than putting other people on hold while she waits for you to reply.

[CruCru]

@Sparticuscaticus

whereismymojo
You're being (over) understanding of Claire, letting things slide about her behaviour to you. You're under enormous stress, working crazy busy hours on multiple projects let alone having a house to decorate & run and husband and other friends to see. Claire wants to book and then cancel your time last minute, but you must do x y z.... I bet the meet ups with her aren't fun either, it's all about her and her problems. Now she wants to talk about your behaviour that you're not responding within 24 hours to her text...

Take a step back. This has disaster written all over it

You're going to blow your top if she tries to talk to you in a moaning way at "what you're not doing" because of everything you are bloody doing for her!!"

Either you'll blow your top at her, or surpress it and end of shouting at someone else over the next few days, at work, at home, in the car, ... It'll leak out somewhere.

Take a break from Claire, you aren't responsible for her. Nor do you have a contract with her. You're too busy and have your own stuff right now to meet her. Time to put your ability to cope and peace of mind first. I'll help you do it simply and quickly ..

' Hi Claire, you're right I don't have time. Too busy right now, I need to look after my own mental well-being. Will catch up in a few weeks or month or so, when I can. Take care"

Then block her (temporary, but you don't need to read her angst about it, she has a therapist for that)

If she gets through, repeat that you've taken a break, and you'll contact her when you can (ie you are ready) ...

I agree with this.

I am surprised at how many people (presumably adult people with jobs and lives) are really annoyed by someone taking more than a day to reply to a text.

[Pl242]

Tbh from reading your subsequent posts, it doesn’t sound like you actually want to continue this friendship. She’s acted in ways that have shown her values are not aligned with yours. You’re relieved when she cancels on you etc.

I think that’s more telling than who’s right or wrong re how you communicate by text.

On that front however I can kind of see it from both sides. On the one hand it can be frustrating when people don’t get back to you promptly but equally you can’t demand others work to your timescales. That said she could always follow up if she wants to make an alternative plan or the out you gave her to make other plans if you hadn’t got back to her seems reasonable.

I get where you’re coming from on her hypocrisy of you not coming back to her quickly enough when she often cancels last minute. I have a friend who is constantly late but gets mad if anyone dare be later than her!

It sounds like you might actually want to take this opportunity to curtail the friendship or at least put it on pause.

I agree with what others have said about boundaries still being required even if you’re supporting a friend with MH issues. I have several friends who have had difficulties but still been able to treat friendships with respect. I did however have a friendship that dwindled away as the other person had such rigid one-sided demands (e.g you live too far away now for me to visit but I won’t meet half way you always have to come to me etc) and when you did meet up everything was all about her and/or she sucked the life out of group occasions.

If deep down you feel the friendship has run its course, now may be the time.