Time taken to reply to texts - AIBU?

[wheresmymojo]

TLDR: Is it unreasonable not to be held to a 24 hour turnaround on text messages by a friend when I am working my arse off setting up 3 businesses trying desperately to avoid bankruptcy?

Due to lockdown I'm unemployed and DH is furloughed but only only £500 per month as he is self employed via a Ltd company.

Our income went from c£10k per month after tax to £1k per month which nowhere near covers our outgoings! We have burned through our savings and are on the precipice of financial disaster.

Due to the above we have set up three new businesses during lockdown. All are in start up phase which means tonnes of work, they are starting to generate some income (not enough to be back from financial disaster but every little helps and it's promising that maybe we might be able to dig ourselves out of this hole).

I feel like this is important context/background.

I have a friend, we'll call her Claire. Claire is very troubled - she has multiple MH issues. A lot of the time she's perfectly lovely company, sometimes the way she reacts to things can make her a real pain in the arse. Due to being a pain in the arse she's alienated herself from all of our mutual friends. I am her last friend.

She has asked to see me once a week because she's having a difficult time (has been for 3 years). I agreed because I felt sorry for her and seemed like the right thing to do even though I'm really busy with the businesses.

Due to having a difficult time she cancels and reschedules c. 80% of these meet ups over the past year due to insomnia/flashbacks/low mood/anxiety.

Fine. I decided not to be annoyed about this, be glad to have the time back and just reschedule.

I sometimes take a few days to get back to her texts about meeting up due to busyness - example is she texted me last Sunday night about meeting up this weekend. I replied on Weds afternoon that I had plans.

She said "Hi X please can you let me know within a day or so when it comes to making arrangements, so that I can make my own plans. My time is just as important as yours x"

I felt a bit pissed off TBH as a) She cancels 80% of our plans, which while I understand the reasons for, seems a bit rich to then put the last sentence b) I won't be held to some kind of 24 hour SLA on text messages when I'm busy as fuck trying to keep our head above water.

I replied "I’ll do my best but I definitely won’t always be able to reply within 24 hours as crazy busy.

I’d say if I haven’t got back and something else comes up that you want to do - say yes to that thing and just let me know that you’re not available on the original day anymore. I think that’s how most people deal with similar situations." Then went on in the text to chat about meeting on Monday.

Now she wants to "talk about it when we see each other"

My inclination is to stick to what I said in my text message - as in "Claire, I understand you're having tough times but so are we, I'm working my arse off just to stay afloat and I won't commit to always coming back within a day because I know that won't always be possible. If something else comes up for you then and I haven't got back to you then either a) text me to say 'are you on for Saturday because I've got another option?' and that will give me an extra nudge to come back or b) do the other thing and we'll find another time'

I know she thinks I'm being massively unreasonable, am I?

Sorry, long post!

Honestly? I think it's rude to ignore a message for days. I think she's got a good point. She's not demanding an immediate answer, just saying within a day or two.

"I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes. Because a reply takes 30 seconds, even if it’s just to say “not sure, I’ll let you know in a couple of days”, and also for being annoyed that she feels able to do something you do not: tell you that something is bothering her and discuss it in person when you see each other instead of letting it fester."

I do see that but also I have a wide circle of friends and family so she's not the only person I have to reply to. Quite often when I'm not working I'm on zoom calls to other people, out with other people, etc.

Her cancelling isn't bothering me - I'm glad to have the time back TBH. It used to bother me (has been going on for years) and I did pull her up about it then, now I just accept it and always have a Plan B.

Well, if you aren't sure whether you are available, text her back straight away (or within 24 hours ) saying that you aren't available, rather than keep her hanging on surely!.

"These planned meet ups with Claire, are they usually consistent - e.g. every Saturday morning - or is it a different time / day every time?
IME it’s easier to arrange weekly meet ups if it’s a regular time slot"

I would love this - I tried this but she cancelled so often that we didn't manage to meet up even one time (and this was by zoom over lockdown so didn't involve even leaving the house).

I then tried giving her access to my calendar so she could book in for these zoom calls when she was feeling well enough as long as she gave me an hour's notice. She hasn't done that once 🤷🏻‍♀️

So now we are back to arranging as and when.

Then you don't have to worry about her cancelling at short notice (in fact, you never have to meet up again

TinyPigeon wtf?

I hope you never have financial difficulties!

It’s not that it takes very long to reply. It’s the mental load of thinking “I can do that time if I move X meeting a bit earlier and make sure I’ve already done Y chore / job, but I’ve already moved X once, so maybe I should see if I can fit in Y by moving Z the day before, better see if Z can make the change first in case they can’t in which case...”. And so on. That’s why YANBU, for taking a while to respond.

YABVU to take 3 days to answer a text. I cant stand people who do this, it's the height of rudeness.

YANBU to be busy right now and to not have time for her. From the sounds of it you don't actually like this friend. And that's fine too, just end the relationship. Tell her your busy setting up the new business and trying to keep your family afloat and you will contact her when you have more time to meet up. And then never contact her again. If she contacts you, repeat, too busy right now.

Lifes too short for both of you for friendships like this.

I had a Claire, very similar situation, I was her last friend and although I mostly enjoyed our time together, I did feel a lot of pressure being her "last friend". I would get several messages a day.
After an exceptionally busy few days, including a family event, a funeral, a hospital appointment and trying to juggle work and family, where I responded to her texts every day, but just by sending one text back explaining how I was so busy and we would meet up when life was back to normal, I woke up to a barrage of abusive messages accusing me of all sorts. This continued for a few days. I blocked her. Claire has since tried to contact other people I know. But I have no involvement with her since.
So...I think friendship is a two way street. It's ok for you to be going through an exceptionally stressful time and you've explained that. So no I don't think you are aibu.

I have never understood people who think it's rude not to respond instantly to text messages. I don't look at my phone all the time. During the work day it will be in a different room because it's a distraction. I'll frequently decide to have full days or weekends when I switch it off and don't look at it, or SM, at all. I often go on holiday and don't even take it with me. I like not being attached to it 24/7.

Even if you do look at your phone all the time OP, by agreeing to respond within 24 hours you would be setting yourself up for further arguments in the future if you miss it by a certain amount. If someone's husband or partner demanded replies within a certain time I'm sure lots of people would be calling him controlling. I think it's the same here. I would refuse the time frame just on principle; friends don't get to dictate their friends' behaviour.

I think the response you've suggested is fine; she needs to understand that you have stuff going on too and you've been really accommodating with her. If what you say is true about her cancelling 80% of the time, you can (gently) say that actually, she's the one who's been treating your time as less important than her own.

I think discussing it in person is probably a good idea, because you can then explain your point of view too. I would suggest like PP have said, set up a regular time slot that works for both of you e.g. Tuesday evening or Saturday at 10am, and then if she can't make it, it doesn't get rescheduled, you just go on to the next one.

@TinyPigeon "Also if your income is that high then you should have had more savings than could be got through in a couple of months. That's just irresponsible."

Thanks. We had three months savings and have been out of work more than three months...we just bought our first house and got married and still had 3 months savings.

Obviously you're wonderful in every way except not being able to stick the knife in to someone who might lose their house in the middle of a global pandemic. You sound lovely.

YANBU

You have been understanding and accommodating about her constantly cancelling and rearranging, so she should be accommodating and understanding that you take longer to reply. It goes both ways.

To be honest, knowing that she will likely cancel, I would find it quite difficult to prioritise contacting her when I was just trying to keep my head above water

Sorry but 10k a month after tax, what the fuck were you doing with it?!

If someone on a low income posted it would be all, well I hope you don't have children, why should the taxpayer etc etc.

@TinyPigeon It's none of your business.

When you have a high income, the chances are you're often going to have high outgoings to match the high income. And they've said they have just bought a house and got married.

YANBU
I have borderline personality disorder I end up worrying I annoy people by texting I will either end up distancing myself or do the complete opposite but I would never expect someone to respond in 24hours or less if I offer plans I wait until I get a response, if someone wants to do something and I could become double booked I am honest after all its going to be a first comed first served thing. One of my closest friends and I are useless at replying but we have an understanding that we don't always get chance to message instantly it takes me about a week on average to reply. She may have mental health problems but that is no excuse to demand your time when she needs it.

P.s I wish you every success with your businesses

Some good points made in here...

I think a few people have said it's not so much about the text as feeling a bit controlled/friend under sufferance and that's probably true.

She has done quite a few arsehole things in the past that I have moved on from but in reality still play on my mind. They are not necessarily to me but do make me wonder whether our values are so different we should call things a day. That being said she is always in 'recovery' and I never know whether these were things she did then but wouldn't do now IYSWIM.

Examples are driving a long way for a non-essential trip during a yellow warning snow blizzard and almost detailing a train when her car got stuck on the rails (she ran out of the car but thankfully people behind her pushed her car out of the way). She got a dog despite everyone warning her how much work they were - then gave it back after 4 days. She had a street cat flown over from Dubai - then gave it up after a week because it was picking on her existing cat (quite obvious outcome given its used to fighting over food). She drove a good 30-45 minutes while many times over the drink limit.

I wasn't seeing her very much during these times and just kept out of it. Realistically I should have ended the friendship at that point but it's all 2 years ago so to end it now would be weird. Although she is talking about getting a dog again

@TinyPigeon "Sorry but 10k a month after tax, what the fuck were you doing with it?! "

Blowing it on coke and (male) prostitutes. Bathing in champagne and snorting caviar obviously.

She has asked to see me once a week because she's having a difficult time (has been for 3 years)
Ahhh yes....her time is precious but yours isn't so she feels entitled to it - and entitled to messing you around with that too 80% of the time.

Where are your boundaries?
Just cos she has mental health/whatever issues going onm doesn't mean YOU have to take responsibility for it and be her personal therapist

I agreed because I felt sorry for her and seemed like the right thing to do even though I'm really busy with the businesses
You have the perfect reason to lay down your new boundaries and create distance between you.
Tell her you're too busy for the foreseeable future for a meet-up, then stick to your own response time re texts, if she doesn't like it - tell her it's a shame but that's all there is.

She isn't your friend and i don't get why you feel compelled to be there for her like you are.

Blowing it on coke and (male) prostitutes. Bathing in champagne and snorting caviar obviously.

When you're back on your feet, invite me round.

You need boundaries. Times you will be available and times you won't. I know she didn't make a regular time but if that's the level of friendship you can manage, that's what it is. She blew through all the other friends for a reason after all.

I've had a few friends like this and the trick is to have great boundaries for usual times. When there's an emergency (I had two homelessness/DV incidents with friends needing a place to stay) you move heaven and earth. But all the time for years, you set the boundaries you can stick to.

I would go about your life as you wish to, and tell this friend to stop her manic texting. People seem to be obsessed with texting, and not sure how they managed to live, when there were no facilities to do this.

@TinyPigeon

In reality, not that's it any of your business...

• We have just bought our first house
• We have got married and paid for 50% ourselves
• We had a fancy 3 week honeymoon
• I have bipolar disorder and don't get any sick pay as self employed and tend to have at least a month a year where I'm not able to work
• Neither me nor DH get holiday pay and we take about 6 weeks off a year across holidays, bank holidays, Xmas, etc
• Pension contributions as self employed
• Furnishing a 4 bed house as we rented furnished before buying
• We have cars on finance

I am from a working class family and started out on £12k...it's surprisingly easy to get through £10k a month though I appreciate why people who haven't earned that can't imagine how.

I also don't read (and certainly don't answer) texts this quickly and I'm not under the same pressure you are. We get bombarded by incoming communications from so many sources these days. Yet too many people expect an instant response. I absolutely hate people who think their 'urgent' should be my 'important'.

I also don't think her MH trumps your family's survival. You can only do so much. You may be her friend, but you aren't her fulltime counseling service. Perhaps you could refer her to a 3rd party support service that could help her?

I get a lot of this, people seem surprised that my mobile isn't on first thing in the morning when I am not working. (And it doesn't have voicemail because if I switch that on it won't let me pick up calls)

All those who don't get this also have the landline number, and that of course is always switched on. And works much better.

24/7 contactability and instant reply is for the emergency services, not social arrangements.