Question asked by a man on another website - what do we think?

[ConfusedMartian]

This could be a long one.....

I don't normally turn to forums for personal advice, but in the absence of being able to talk things through over a barrel of beer in the pub, thought I'd try this approach. Hopefully get a good range of thoughts and experiences…

Been seeing a girl for a year now, first proper relationship since separating from my wife a few years ago. She's amazing, everything I was looking for, similar interests\hobbies (even cars), really good fun, great banter, very caring, same outlook on life etc etc..... When things are good, it's the best relationship ever!

However... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc. Now I didn't go into this totally blind, we discussed from the outset we can both be jealous at times and of course in a new relationship it takes a while to build the trust, but I thought we got past this...In fact, she recently met my kids and it went really well, way better than we both expected and they've really taken to her in the last month and a bit... which makes this all the harder.

So to set the scene, I’m in regular contact with a couple of females by text and email mostly, one I’ve been speaking to for years and years, the other just this year really. In terms of frequency, I’d say once every couple of days, just general chat about how’s your week going, kids good, been up to much… Never a hint of flirtation or any other underlying agenda and would probably be a 5 minute conversation if in person max. It just so happens these two females are attractive and therefore seen as a threat, she’s not bothered about my other not so attractive female friends who I go out on the piss with now and again, funny that. She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 5-10 messages every other day, generally not conversational. It’s not like I’m sitting in all evening messaging them, or make it the first thing I do when I get up or last thing before bed. Going back over the years I’ve also had friendships like this with guys, but we’ve drifted for one or another reason. I’m not specifically looking for female friendship, although I do find they’re a lot more interested in genuine day to day chat then guys are…

So this is a fundamental problem in our relationship and has really come to a head in recent months, lockdown probably isn’t helping. Had a bit of a WTF moment at the weekend when friend A got in touch to ask if I had any moving boxes left over, which I did, agreed to drop them off. But then I thought to myself, this is only going to cause a problem between the girlfriend and I, so had to make up some bullst excuse I couldn’t make it. I could of lied and went, but didn’t want to do that. On reflection, it’s a ridiculous situation to be in to “fear” of the repercussions of something so innocent as dropping cardboard boxes off. A few months back we’d agreed to go biking together, when I announced this my girlfriend was not happy and had actually is was friend A who cancelled it as she didn’t want to cause any problems… which was nice of her, but I was annoyed I wasn’t able to make that decision myself.

So to try and resolve this, I’ve suggested to the girlfriend she seeks help for her jealousy issues on a number of occasions. She’s been cheated on twice in the past and clearly been badly hurt, so would support her through this process, but she’s not interested, which means it’s down to me… I have to decide:

• Stop talking to my two (attractive) female friends
• It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things

Really confused what to do here.. perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable and selfish?? I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if she was doing the same, but I’d like to think I’d deal with it on the realisation it’s just friendship. It’s 2020, we can have friends of the opposite sex right?!

Suspect responses will be totally split...

Any advice?

OP, YABU for copy-and-pasting someone else's thread from another site. Why would you do that? If he wanted our views he'd have posted here.

Just. Too. Long.

It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things ✔️

Here's a tip: don't call women "females"

"What do we think?"

We think this is billy bob bullshit.

Put your shirt back on, Pusface and Pissface are en route for their dinner.

Ummm.

I’m guess you met at least one of these females online dating.

Is that the case?

Or is this just fiction?

Females? Are you Martin Goodman?

@Laiste

So - THE OP IS NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS SCENARIO.

This is a question they've copy and pasted from a stranger on different website ......

why?

Because the other website is mostly men, I thought it would be interesting to get the perspective from a site with a different demographic

... hence your user name. You think that, somehow, women are alien creatures, don't you? (Hence also the use of 'females').

Feeeeemales

IMO 5-10 messages E O Day is a lot.
Are these other women in partnerships? has your GF met them ? if not, why not ?

Which other forum @Shuttup? That would be an interesting read

This female thinks if he has already told her to seek therapy multiple times in a year she'd be better off without him.

"bitches be crazy" eh?

This is where you posted it elsewhere

You have had pretty much the same kind of advice, and a lot of it very considered and nuanced.

Not really quite sure why you would want to post here as well? (Although I did notice that your thread title was a bit different there - 'jealous girlfriend')

What did you expect from Mumsnet?

Are you the person who posted it I’m confused

But, you know, ultimately - whether you or she feels comfortable with this kind of conversation/relationship with other women/men is down to the two of you.

Talk! Talk to her about how you feel and how she feels. Explain the situation. If that doesn't sort things out, for either of you, then the relationship isn't going to work.

It makes absolutely no difference what a load of internet randomers think.

I would dump you if I were her (assuming you're the original poster).

Couldn't be arsed dealing with a man who keeps a gaggle of "female" friends around to stroke his ego. If my DH messaged other women as frequently as that I would not be happy and would tell him how uncomfortable it made me. if on receiving that information he didn't ease off on the constant texting I'd be giving him the heave ho. I've never been cheated on (to my knowledge anyway!) and my DH has female friends but since we've been married/had DC their contact is sporadic not regular, how it should be!

I found it easily by googling the first line of the OP. It's not as if it's hard to find.

I imagine half the people on this thread assumed it was going to be from PH. I certainly did.

Yes I found it on PH, no need for hurt secret squirrel feelings.

OP we don't like issues being dragged around boards so I am hoping you'll take the hint and trot off with your talk of jealous females. Tah-rah

Anyway, don't knock PH. I think it's great that they've gained a more diverse membership.

ConfusedMartian, I have to agree with the posters on Pistol Heads. Although your GF obviously has some issues, I think the main problem here is your behaviour. Although I’m not really the jealous type, even I would question why a BF of mine felt the need to keep in touch with his attractive female friends so often. I also wouldn’t be impressed if a BF had started such regular texting with one during the early stages of our relationship. I’d probably wonder whether I was “enough” for him. That’s not to say being in touch with other women is a no-no, just the frequency seems odd to me. Why the need to contact them so much, and who instigates it?

How would you feel if she was in the same regular contact with a couple of hot men, especially one that she met since you’ve been together? Be honest now, ignore the rational and think about the emotions.

The messages from PHs sum up what I think:
“5-10 messages a month would be more than enough; why do you need to check up on them so often? I'm not saying your girlfriend isn't slightly neurotic but you're not helping”

“5-10 messages every other day just to ask how the other's week is going, how are the kids etc. and as the OP puts it "generally not conversational", is in fact far worse than having an actual conversation about a specific topic!”