Extrovert DP and introvert me. AIBU?

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I am an introvert with what is probably best described as mild social anxiety. My partner is more of an extrovert and enjoys socialising and being around people.

Although I don’t much enjoy socialising, I never back out on an invite because I think it would be unfair on my partner.

He has basically just told me that it makes him sad that I’m not more enthusiastic about seeing friends and that he would love for me to say something like “let’s have a bbq, it’d be great to see those guys” (friends). Whereas at the moment my response to an invite somewhere is usually “yea, ok”. When in fact I really DON’T fancy doing it at all but I can’t shut myself away forever.

AIBU or is he? He is suggesting I get counselling for my social anxiety whereas I just see it as something I manage by doing things. To look at me you’d have no idea at all that I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I am your husband in my marriage and my dh is you. I would never say that to him. I know he struggles with social situations and like you doesn't say no to invitations (well not often). In terms if socialising at home I tend to organise and invite and tell him after. He is usually alright with it. If I ask him first he will say no 😬

Your dh has to accept you as you are. The world takes all of us to go round.

You are getting on with it. You are socialising. You aren't holding him back. Sounds like you cope fine.
Anything more needs a personality change. Is that what he wants?

His response to me saying that it is just who I am is that it is possible to change something and to not be held back by “it’s a problem I’ve always had”.

YANBU.

He has basically just told me that it makes him sad that I’m not more enthusiastic about seeing friends and that he would love for me to say something like “let’s have a bbq, it’d be great to see those guys” (friends). Whereas at the moment my response to an invite somewhere is usually “yea, ok”

If your husband wanted a performing seal bubbly extrovert for a wife, he should have married one. 🤷‍♀️

But do you think there is a teeny chance that you’re not masking your ambivalence as well
as you think?

He basically wants me to FEEL totally comfortable and excited by the idea of being social. He disagrees that it is my personality.

What he means is not only does he want you to get over your own personality, but expects you to organise these events would be my reading

No @Butchyrestingface. People see me as really relaxed and I’m good at hiding it. I take an interest in people and make small talk. Under the surface I’m on edge.

He doesn't get to say what is or isn't you. And he doesn't get to decide what you do or don't like. A different social outlook from his is a legitimate choice.

Why has it suddenly started bothering him?

YANBU
You don’t have social anxiety because your discomfort is not interfering with your socialising such that it prevents you from making/having friends, and going to social events. So he’s exaggerating your introverted nature into a mental illness. It is probably just through unconscious bias in that he knows he is normal, so anything nit similar to him he thinks is abnormal when it’s really just human diversity.

He needs to better understand that there are different, but perfectly healthy personalities. What helped me understand my DP and adult DCs better was for us to do this free online personality test. Then we read our own and each other’s personality features. It really opened our eyes on why we have certain quirks and needs. It’s call 16 personalities. You can find it here:
www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

What a bloody cheek! It's not problem it's who you are and either he accepts that not. It's not for him to assume you have to change to fit in with him!

There's no right or wrong.

I'm the introvert who is happy on my own 90% of the time, but I absolutely require that 10% or so of company on my terms to stay on an even keel

If you try to placate him, you will be uncomfortable. If he tries to placate you, he will miss his socialising and suffer as a result. I don't think that's easy to resolve by compromise, because it just means that you both end up resenting each other. I've been there and got the teeshirt.

I see this with mil and fil (mil the extrovert)
she says - Its draining being the person always organising to have any form of social life. Being constantly met with unenthusiastic ok every time makes feel utterly deflated and wonder why you bother.

Then you get depressed that you dont see anyone or do anything. Or if you do ots without your partner then everyone asks where he is and your only non couple there

It's not good enough that you do it, I want you to want to do it.

I think HIBU tbh op.

He needs to understand that this is not a problem.

You don't need fixing.

You are different from him. You are not wrong or broken.

I know that a pp said that I do not have anxiety but I’m not sure. Though I must admit that I have never been officially diagnosed. I experience all of the symptoms including in the past being physically unable to attend social events and crying inconsolably. I shaped my life around avoiding certain situations. I do know that many people feel anxiety to an extent though and I am much better than I used to be. So because I manage it better these days does that mean I don’t have it? Maybe, I don’t know.

I think the fact that he knows that I worry about things and can’t just relax is part of why he wants me to try to get help for it. He says he never wants a life for us where we’re sat at home just the 2 of us and we don’t see people. But that would never happen because he wouldn’t let it anyway!

I see it as I am who I am (as many here have agreed with) and he seems to see it as, if you have anxiety let’s get rid of it. Is that even possible?!

I have to say if i was your DP I'd be pretty annoyed if your reasoning for never wanting to organise or host friends was "i have anxiety", but you weren't getting any help for it. Anxiety isn't "who you are", it's a disorder that can be treated, and tbh it's pretty unfair to make your loved ones suffer because you refuse to deal with your issues.

This is a good book www.theguardian.com/books/2012/mar/22/quiet-power-introverts-susan-cain-review

get him to read it.

helped me understand my DH a LOT better. Which was handy as two of our kids are introverts.

Why the hell should you be the one to change rather than him? You are already going ahead anyway and managing with your discomfort. Yanbu.

Yanbu. I have a similar dynamic in my marriage. We're not compatible in that way unfortunately. I have plenty of friends and love seeing them but I have to be in the mood and can feel drained afterwards. Rarely like big loud groups and don't really like having people over.
DH is a more the merrier type, never short of things to say, loves to chat with most people. He has pressured me at times re social situations but given up over the years as I'm stubborn.
I think your DH is being unfair and unreasonable in his expectations. Being introverted doesn't equate to social anxiety and pretty out of order to suggest counselling I think!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I never refuse to host friends and I have never ever refused a social situation “because I have anxiety. I never say no to things and we have had a couple of big parties on my suggestion before because I understand that it is important to him. I do these things despite my feelings. So I don’t see how he suffers?

Just to add that I moved a couple of hours from my home to be with him and haven’t made any close friends myself here. He has a close group of lovely local friends who he’s known since childhood.

To look at my marriage from the outside, most would think that I am the sociable one and DH is the introvert. We both are introverts, but I can put on a good show if required. It really drains me to the point of not leaving the house for a few days after for anything other than work. Lockdown has really brought it home to DH how much I don't like socialising, he has been the one actively volunteering and seeking people out.

I have a minute group of people (3) that I don't mind socialising with, but these are old friends who don't take offense if I take myself off for a bit or don't actively participate. I get on fine with people online or over the phone, it's just meeting up that I don't like (probably more cba). I'll hang out with DH and the kids, but I don't feel the need to meet up with his friends nor him with mine. I find that the older I get the more draining I find social situations, so I avoid them so that I don't have to be stressed. I never understood why people seem to think that there is something wrong with you if you aren't sociable.