Extrovert DP and introvert me. AIBU?

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I am an introvert with what is probably best described as mild social anxiety. My partner is more of an extrovert and enjoys socialising and being around people.

Although I don’t much enjoy socialising, I never back out on an invite because I think it would be unfair on my partner.

He has basically just told me that it makes him sad that I’m not more enthusiastic about seeing friends and that he would love for me to say something like “let’s have a bbq, it’d be great to see those guys” (friends). Whereas at the moment my response to an invite somewhere is usually “yea, ok”. When in fact I really DON’T fancy doing it at all but I can’t shut myself away forever.

AIBU or is he? He is suggesting I get counselling for my social anxiety whereas I just see it as something I manage by doing things. To look at me you’d have no idea at all that I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I disagree. If extroverts were anxious about spending time alone I'd also think they have a problem with anxiety. It's the feeling anxious part that needs addressing.

Thanks for all the replies and opinions. It’s interesting to look at things from different view points.

For those who have deemed that our relationship must be doomed, I disagree. DP and I never argue, we talk through things to try to find a solution. We are so similar in every way, apart from this one aspect of our personality’s.

I’m just wondering though...I’ve read so much about extroverts vs introverts. If the anxiety part is taken out of the equation, how much of what I feel is due to me being an introvert? I can’t see me ever looking forward to a social event. I can’t see me ever enjoying making small talk. Maybe that’s the introvert part of me? Worrying that I’ve said the wrong thing or what people think of me I guess would be the anxiety part.

Sounds like you have it about right.

I dont think it's relevant really that you never argue. The facts are that you have fundamentally different personalities and instead of accepting you your DP tells you it 'makes him sad' that you are this way and that you should get counselling to change yourself. Wanting a partner to change is always the death knell of a relationship. It's not fair and it's not realistic. It must be incredibly hard to be in an extrovert/introvert relationship for both of you but accepting each other surely is essential. Wanting the other person to change to suit you is not on.

We are so similar in every way, apart from this one aspect of our personality
But introversion/extraversion is the main aspect of personality so if you're having problems related to this then it's pretty major.

@kingkuta

We are so similar in every way, apart from this one aspect of our personality But introversion/extraversion is the main aspect of personality so if you're having problems related to this then it's pretty major.

My DH is far more extroverted than I am. I’m off the scale introverted. We get along fine. We just understand we are different and respect each other’s comfort zones. OP and her DP can do the same. I don’t think her problem is major at all.

But introversion/extraversion is the main aspect of personality so if you're having problems related to this then it's pretty major. - I disagree with this entirely.

This isn’t a major problem in our relationship, but something that crops up sometimes. We are really happy together!

YANBU, op.

I'm very introverted. Socialising is my idea of hell. Sounds like you're doing more than enough already.

@kingkuta

I dont think it's relevant really that you never argue. The facts are that you have fundamentally different personalities and instead of accepting you your DP tells you it 'makes him sad' that you are this way and that you should get counselling to change yourself. Wanting a partner to change is always the death knell of a relationship. It's not fair and it's not realistic. It must be incredibly hard to be in an extrovert/introvert relationship for both of you but accepting each other surely is essential. Wanting the other person to change to suit you is not on.

This.

I think he needs to be a lot more understanding of the fact that you enjoy different things. He need to stop trying to force you to be like him.

It seems like you are doing all the compromising. What’s to stop him hosting a BBQ for his friends while you go out and have a drink with one of your own friends ? You don’t have to do everything together.

This thread epitomises why I dread the idea of being in a relationship. I'm a huge introvert and I'm doubtful about meeting someone who understands and respects this.

My DH is far more extroverted than I am. I’m off the scale introverted.We get along fine. We just understand we are different and respect each other’s comfort zones

That's great for you PlanDeRaccordement but the OP has already explained that her DP says it makes him sad and wants her to have counselling to change so shes not in the same situation as you.

You say youre very happy together yet you also say he wants you to go to counselling so you can change, it makes him sad you are not outgoing and he cant bear the thought of the two of you sat in together with no friends. I cant believe that's a happy relationship because it sounds awful to me. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are

@kingkuta

My DH is far more extroverted than I am. I’m off the scale introverted.We get along fine. We just understand we are different and respect each other’s comfort zones

That's great for you PlanDeRaccordement but the OP has already explained that her DP says it makes him sad and wants her to have counselling to change so shes not in the same situation as you.

The OPs partners comments come from a place of ignorance. They have not been together long either. It takes years of both self discovery and learning your partner’s personality to get where I and my DH are. No relationship starts out perfect. I think the problem of her DP thinking she and introversion is not normal can be addressed with them doing personality tests and comparing and discussing the results. It’s a lack of wisdom, not a lack of love or commitment.

No relationship starts out perfect. I think the problem of her DP thinking she and introversion is not normal can be addressed it’s not the introvert part that he’s saying it’s about though. It’s the anxiety around it. He thinks that if that wasn’t there I’d look forward to and enjoy socialising.

The way he thinks is very much shaped by the idea of “positive thinking” and it is possible to change a negative mindset (negative being feeling anxious or up tight about being social). Whereas I think it’s normal for an introvert. But other posters here have also disagreed with that.

Maybe him wanting you to learn to enjoy it, is him feeling bad or guilty about dragging you along to things. Or maybe even guilty for having a good time knowing that you are not? I imagine it's hard to have a good time if your partner isn't.
My late husband was really quiet. And yes, sometimes when we were at social events where everyone else was very garrulous, I did feel bad for him, and certainly felt that I had to watch out for him rather than just throw myself into the occasion.

If your DH genuinely thinks that your lack of enjoyment can be 'fixed' I could see how he might want you to enjoy it rather than suffer it.

so, as I asked - are you ok socialising with your own friends? Would you genuinely be happy only ever hanging out with DH? As if so, that's a big burden for him to carry, being your main person, main connection to the world.

People are asking about the anxiety. Knowing the level of anxiety and how strictly you avoid socialising is important. Introversion and extraversion are different broad directions of preference, but both are within being a functional human. I might prefer to recharge alone but I can handle a social event, it just makes me tired. Someone else might be tired and drained by a weekend to themselves. But it's all within normal parameters. Like when we say we are a "morning person/night owl" just means you prefer getting up early, or would happily start a project at 11pm. It doesn't mean "people who get fired from their jobs for never waking on time" or "people who physically can't stay awake past 9pm". Those are beyond the normal extreme.
I would say, if you avoid ALL socialising, always, and feel anxieties about the very idea, this is not introversion but something traumatic which could well be addressable with therapy.

'Would you genuinely be happy only ever hanging out with DH? As if so, that's a big burden for him to carry, being your main person, main connection to the world.'

See, as an introvert, I don't need a 'connection to the world' in that way. Maybe the op's the same way?

Couldn’t the Op be her own connection to the world? She has ( I assume ) ad job, friends and family. She says that she goes to social events and indeed hosts large parties of her husbands friends for her husbands sake.

Why does she need a man to “connect her to the world” in some mysterious way?

Yes that's what I meant- maybe I wasn't clear, sorry! If she doesn't have her own friends and family that she sees, then her OH is her main intimate human contact? In that case she would be relying on him for a number of emotional needs, and he might find it claustrophobic.

Either a) she likes meeting her own friends & just doesn't like meeting his. or b) she has no other friends or social life. Advice is different in each case.

@teaflake I didn't think being an introvert meant having no need for any human connection, being totally an island? I thought it meant drawing energy from being alone. You really don't need any other human input, ever?

Dh and our adult dc are enough for me. Plus online stuff.

ah OK! I assumed everyone had some IRL people they saw from time to time. (not at the moment of course!)