Extrovert DP and introvert me. AIBU?

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I am an introvert with what is probably best described as mild social anxiety. My partner is more of an extrovert and enjoys socialising and being around people.

Although I don’t much enjoy socialising, I never back out on an invite because I think it would be unfair on my partner.

He has basically just told me that it makes him sad that I’m not more enthusiastic about seeing friends and that he would love for me to say something like “let’s have a bbq, it’d be great to see those guys” (friends). Whereas at the moment my response to an invite somewhere is usually “yea, ok”. When in fact I really DON’T fancy doing it at all but I can’t shut myself away forever.

AIBU or is he? He is suggesting I get counselling for my social anxiety whereas I just see it as something I manage by doing things. To look at me you’d have no idea at all that I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Neither of you is particularly U in that you're different. My DH is like you and I'm more like your DH. We seem to balance one another out, though, and I tend to get where DH is coming from despite wanting to see friends and socialise much more often.

I think the part that's U is where your DH now expects you to change who you are - he married you knowing you weren't as sociable as him, so can't expect you to pander to what he wants simply because he wants it. It's like he's upset with you for simply being you, which is dick behaviour.

He should accept you for who you are not who he wants you to be. As long as your not abusive or rude to his friends. It sounds to me like you do try and push yourself out of zones, he should appreciate that you are trying hard because you love him rather than pushing you even more.

DH and I are like you and your partner; I’m the introvert, he’s the extrovert.

We manage it by compromise, so I attend big events like weddings and funerals, but he goes to smaller events like BBQs and random gatherings alone. Works for us.

Your partner needs to realise you aren’t going to change; if you don’t want to host BBQs that isn’t going to change.

However, social anxiety isn’t who you are, you don’t have to live with it and he’s right that you should get therapy for it.

As long as you get to do the things that interest you, it’s not a problem, it’s a personality. This is something my XH didn’t understand.

Im an introvert with social anxiety. I have been forced to address the social anxiety because it’s necessary for me having a good job. Do I use calming techniques to push me past my comfort zone when I must for work. In my personal life, I’m perfectly happy spending most days at home working on my projects. I have a full, happy life. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. Actually, I believe people who must be social to be happy are missing out on the real excitement that comes from being entertained by your own mind and interests.

OP, I would have a go at an MBTI test or an Enneagram test (the free ones online are fine) and then also an anxiety diagnostic test. It might also be useful for your DP to try the personality tests.

One of the things I really like about the Enneagram is the advice about how different types can relate to each other at their best, and also what it looks like when things go wrong. It really helps in identifying problems and often there are surprisingly simple fixes.

No harm in trying counselling surely? To me, an introvert just prefers their own company rather than being scared of socialising.

I think he is being unfair wanting you to be excited about socialising, an introvert doesnt really enjoy socialising and no amount of therapy is going to change your personality or your inherent lifelong preferences. I'd be a bit insulted that he felt like this - there is nothing wrong with being an introvert and it doeant require therapy as it's not a problem. And you're already compromising by socialising and doing things that aren't your number 1 preference to keep him happy. If you asked him not only to do something that you enjoyed and he didnt - take up knitting or adventure sports or read a whole book in a day or watch documentaries on climate change, but not only that, you asked him to enjoy it and look forward to it, would he run to therapy to change his mindset?

The social anxiety aspect is a bit more complicated I think as that can be helped with therapy and it might improve your life if you could manage it better so if it's coming from a place of kindness that he purely wants to help your mental health rather than enjoy the same things he does, because his way is 'better', then that's more reasonable and it might not hurt to give it a go. It's hard for us on the outside to know his motives or thought process though

I suppose it’s a bit upsetting because I feel like I’m trying my best by not letting it stop me from being social.

I know that being an introvert doesn’t mean you have social anxiety but I’m fairly certain that I do have it and that it has eased with exposure and learning how to manage it over time. In fact I’m forgetting how bad I used to be. I remember a time when I was living at home that I developed such a fear of tripping over my words that I couldn’t even hold a conversation with my own mum.

When I was 17 I was referred to somebody in order for me to understand my feelings. Social anxiety was not a commonly used term then, as far as I’m aware. I couldn’t understand what it was and why nobody else seemed to experience these feelings. After talking with me she deemed that she could see nothing wrong with me, that her sons my age would think I’m lovely!? Gave me some breathing exercises and sent me on my way. Other things I have done in the past include self help books and hypnotherapy several times.

The thing is, now I FEEL fairly normal. I don’t love socialising but I cope fine with it. And so it’s hard to feel that not only do I have to do my best to manage it (in a way that nobody can even tell there’s anything wrong by the way) but I have to be excited to socialise and feel nothing other than relaxed and happy.

I know that being an introvert doesn’t mean you have social anxiety but I’m fairly certain that I do have it and that it has eased with exposure and learning how to manage it over time.

You don’t need counselling, that won’t help. You need CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). And of course you feel fairly normal because you’ve been living with it for years.

And of course you feel fairly normal because you’ve been living with it for years. well I never looked at it that way I suppose . Thank you for the suggestion, I will look into cbt.

I think it can be hard if someone doesn't show enthusiasm for seeing friends, OP. Would you be more enthusiastic if they were your old friends?

I have this in reverse a bit, dh quieter, and also though it can be a bit draining I’m glad he’s not loud and always wanting to be out either

So I think your dh should just accept you the way you are

You just sound fundamentally incompatible tbh.

@PerfectionistProcrastinator

And of course you feel fairly normal because you’ve been living with it for years. well I never looked at it that way I suppose . Thank you for the suggestion, I will look into cbt.

I was housebound with social anxiety for nearly a decade. I had CBT and over the course of six months went from that to being able to hold down a full time job.

So I understand you, and I understand how it can seem fairly normal to you, and obviously yours doesn’t sound as severe as mine was thankfully. But CBT turned my entire life around.

You have to be prepared to put in the work though - you have to be prepared to do exactly what your therapist says no matter how hard/silly/embarrassing, because that’s how it works.

If you just go in expecting them to do all the work and fix you, well, it won’t. You need to really put the effort in.

@HollowTalk I’m not unenthusiastic though, just more...easy going. And I honestly I don’t think I would be much different with my own friends and family.

Are you different with your own friends and family, though? Do you not have friends that you yourself make an effort to see, that DH doesn't organise keeping in touch with? And if your DH did "let it happen" and you were just with him & saw nobody else, would you be OK with that or would you seek out people eventually?

Is he enthusiastic about your hobbies and interests?

@PerfectionistProcrastinator

He basically wants me to FEEL totally comfortable and excited by the idea of being social. He disagrees that it is my personality.

If we flip this around.

You like going outside for walks etc, bit of nature and calm.

DP always rather unenthusiasticaly agrees but constantly seems uncomfortable on the walks as hes not some back/leg pain.

You tell him you want him to feel more able to get out and enjoy himself not be limited by his back pain, and can he please just stop dismissing it and see a professional about the discomfort?

Just because you feel happy with your limits doesn't mean your partner is not going to be thinking that your be happier if they could help you expand them or solve your problems.

To him he probbaly feels your missing out and putting a brave face on it. Because his only frame of reference for your inner thoughts are is own which are obviously different.

"I know that a pp said that I do not have anxiety but I’m not sure. Though I must admit that I have never been officially diagnosed. I experience all of the symptoms including in the past being physically unable to attend social events and crying inconsolably. I shaped my life around avoiding certain situations. "

Seriously if something is making you cry uncontrollably and unreasonably avoid normal things like seeing people.

It's not a "personality trait" it's something a little wrong. You live in the future this isn't something you have to shape your life around any more! Theres a whole sector of people out there who have done huge amountstts of work into tbe social, the personal and the chemical reasons this happens.

Helps there, you've just got to ask.

Did he always know you had social anxiety or were you masking it when you were dating? I don't think you should force yourself to socialise at the same rate as he does just to please him

I am the same OP! My anxiety would be worse if my partner was like yours. Your partner should love you for who you are.

You are not stopping him from going out to see friends, what is the problem here?

There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. You don’t need counselling to change something that’s really okay.

He’s thinks how he is is normal and you are abnormal. This isn’t right at all. He has to be made to understand otherwise your relationship is doomed. Perhaps he needs counselling.

I think any anxiety that is suffered is a result of other’s expectations. Embrace your introversion, learn to love yourself. You’re just fine as you are.

Point out to him that you already ARE challenging your feelings. That left to your own devices you wouldn't go out much. But because you know he enjoys it you make yourself go to social events. You already challenge your anxiety by chatting to people once you're there, acting socially and 'normally'. He needs to recognise what you're already doing. Clearly you're doing it so well that he doesn't recognise that it's not your normal.
Anything more than what you're already achieving is unreasonable because it involves you not being you.

It annoys me that a common held belief seems to be extrovert and sociable is good and to be introvert and not sociable is bad.

Just be yourself FFS.