To share brief details of DS mh issues with my close friend.

[MrsMouse03]

So my ds16 has been suffering with depression and anxiety since middle of last year. It has at times been really stressful as he has self harmed and also had anger issues.

A close friend and I were messaging each other today and I shared a few details as I am worried about my son and it felt good to tell someone.

Whilst I was out this afternoon my DS has picked up my phone which was on charge and has read these messages.

He has now gone absolutely mad at me for it even though I only shared brief details and also he should not really be reading my messages.

Aibu to share these details with a friend as I needed a little support?

I dont think either of you abu.

Tell him you needed support. And that he is now affecting you very deeply. That you want him to seek help and if he doesn’t you’ll need to go to the gp to seek help for yourself (then actually go to the gp for help for him).

The son is definitely unreasonable for reading the mother’s messages

YANBU. Put a lock on your phone.

As someone who was a teen with MH issues, i would have been fucking devastated to find out that my mum was talking about it behind my back. Fair enough she needed support, but she asked me what i was happy with her sharing, and to my knowledge never went beyond that. If i were your son i would absolutely feel betrayed here, this is massively not ok. Just because you gave birth to him doesn't mean you own his life story.

Hmm. I don't know. I absolutely understand that you need support; I have a DD with severe mental health issues.

I also understand that he is angry and upset that you've shared his emotions/issues with someone else. He didn't get the choice about whether this other woman knew and obviously is unhappy about it. (Although it's a bit pot/kettle to read your private messages and then complain you invaded his privacy).

What I've done in the past is confide in colleagues I'm close to who don't know my DD personally. Is that a possibility? I know DD would be upset at family friends knowing personal details, but it felt that I could unload to a friend who has never met her.

Yes YABU. They are his private medical details. They weren't yours to share. Would you be ok with him discussing your medical details with a friend?

You son is 16 and has a right to privacy over his medical condition. YABU.

@LouiseTrees

The son is definitely unreasonable for reading the mother’s messages

This. Change your password on your phone op

I think you’re mainly not being U. You need support, but you do have to remember that he’s not a baby any more and he has a right to privacy too. So it depends what you said. If you said “Peter has been really down and it’s hard to know what to do” - fine. “Peter has been crying in his room all night about the fact that he’s unattractive to girls and tried to cut his wrists in the bathroom” - too much. And like a PP said, worse that he presumably knows this woman and he’ll know she knows these things about him.

I don’t think YABU. I have severe mental health problems, and I know my mum has shared her worries with one friend in particular (more so when I was younger, though). I can’t say it really ever bothered/bothers me, as she was a single parent who desperately needed a loving friend for some support and comfort. Maybe it was invasive, but I understood her need to reach out to someone.

I don’t think you was wrong. From your Sons point of view I can see how he feels. Everybody needs to offload especially at a time like this. Obviously I would down play the situation to not hurt his feelings.

I have a mum who thought it was fine to share v private and medical details about me with all and sundry and it’s not nice - but I think in some cases it’s a failure of the parent to adapt to the fact that you’re not talking about a 7 year old with chicken pox. He’s an adult or damn nearly and you have to balance out your need for support with his right to be respected.

I never discuss my sons mental health issues with anyone unless he he gives me permission.
You can get support and vent, without giving details.

I sometimes say to my friend “Jack is having a bad day and I just need to vent” and discuss it without any ins and outs.

Why do you not have a lock on your phone?

That's the only part I find completely unreasonable as I'm presuming your friend is discrete.

Thanks everyone. I can see why he is upset but he shouldn't be reading stuff on my phone

I have changed password now.

The only details I shared were that he had been feeling down and not motivated to do school work and that we were hoping to speak to a counsellor to try and help him.

How would you feel if he shared brief details of your mental health or other health issues with his friend?

I can understand why he was upset....but I'm sure it's not easy for you either.

My DM used to do this to me.

If I had a problem as a teen and shared it with her, for support, I soon learned that she'd share it with others 'for support'. It was my damn problem that i had turned to her with, not hers.

When I called her out on it, she'd say 'but I needed someone to share it with'. It was devastating to find that every secret id shared with her became her secret to share.

Stupidly (on my part), I continued to trust her and it took me a long time to realise that she always did this, therefore, I tell her nothing now.

Sure, he shouldn't have read your messages, but luckily he did. Now he knows that his own private business is no longer his. YAB massively U

Yes you were wrong and I’m not surprised he went mad.. as a parent though, I understand.