People who 'hate confrontation'

[TooMuchCoffeee]

NC for this as don't want it linked to my other posts.

AIBU to think that just because you don't hate confrontation (i.e. you stand up for yourself), that doesn't mean you love confrontation either?

I've been told by various people in my life that they 'hate confrontation' as a way of shutting down a disagreement. Usually with a pointed look in my direction. Some of the more abusive arses have gone as far as to say that I'm 'argumentative'. My view with these people is that they're conflict avoidant because they're unable to communicate effectively and they want everything their own way. As soon as someone (me!) disagrees with them, I get accused of being argumentative, causing an argument etc etc. It really gets under my skin and brings up a lot of hurt from the past when I didn't feel heard and couldn't express my feelings.

To be clear, I'm not some gobby cow that goes around picking fights My question is, in this context has it been used as a form of control to shut me up and do as they say? I don't mind when people disagree with me and I try and see it from the other perspective. I had an ex who the one time we had a disagreement (he overstepped in my professional life and I said not to do it again - no shouting or swearing or anything), he walked out and never came back. His excuse later was 'he hates confrontation', implying I was the problem for disagreeing with him. I was constantly to blame for 'causing arguments' in the house when my brother and I lived at home when I would point out the golden child sat on the xbox all day and paid no rent while I was running round doing everything. But no, the problem was me saying anything as that 'caused arguments'.

I have friends where we can sit and debate, throw ideas around, disagree on fundamental things but actually enjoy exploring the opposite side. Neither of us are trying to change the other's mind, but I think rational debate and seeing other perspectives is a good thing.

Unfortunately I have had and still do have, certain people in my life who think 'disagreeing' is bad. Men who I assume think women should be seen and not heard, and women who follow them like good little girls.

AIBU to think that just because you stand up for yourself that doesn't mean you're 'confrontational', as if it's a bad thing? No one likes some who argues constantly, but no one likes a wet lettuce with no opinions either. Just because you're not a wet lettuce that doesn't automatically mean you're the other extreme?

You can be a happy medium with a backbone that still gets along with people as long as you don't surround yourself with controlling abusive dickheads?

As you can tell my past experiences of being silenced have really confused me. I was hoping some straight talkers here could give me some clarity.

My biggest pet hate is people who do this! They will say or do something and if I disagree they just shut me down and refuse to discuss it! In my mind it's a form of mental control and is abusive. It's guaranteed to make me absolutely lose my shit.

I hear you (to use an American phrase). I'm not gobby either but I like to debate things.
My husband's side of the family (not him thank goodness) believe in keeping up appearances - to the extent that secrets become lies.
So what I think is confrontational- asking my DS if she's okay after multiple miscarriages - was seen as being aggressive and confrontational.
Ditto we aren't allowed to ask DSIL and her husband why they voted Brexit (because he thought his business would do better - but it's not).
It's strange times OP

I think it depends. I am 'conflict averse' in that if people start shouting I instantly curl up in terror inside. From my childhood, same as you. But I can argue the hind leg off a donkey as long as anyone will let me, I love debate, I love disagreement, I love discussion!

My DP is the opposite. He doesn't feel verbally confident (don't know why, he's very clever), he doesn't like changing his mind but he can't really argue with me effectively (be it about a theoretical idea or a practical problem). So he will either shut me down in the way you describe, or (my less favourite) start shouting at me. Both have the effect (I assume desired) of shutting me up.

I know someone who just clams up at the slightest bit of confrontation. It doesn't have to be aggressive or anything, just a difference of views. I find it very difficult because you just can't discuss anything. I don't "like" confrontation, as in I don't take pleasure out of big arguments or rows etc, (though I do enjoy good debate), but I think it's necessary some times.

It depends on your choice of words and your tone of voice... just have a look at your post:
conflict avoidant because they're unable to communicate effectively
just because
accused of

How does this sound/ make you feel?

I see what you mean , I like discussing things but some people like my husband see it as going on and tell me to leave it . I would say he most definitely dislikes confrontation and will say nothing .
I've said a few times that people will walk all over him and sometimes you need to speak up say something.
In another example if discussing something with a friend or relative people that disagree but don't want to say in fear of confrontation will just go umm or change the conversation quickly which I think is rude .
I'm not someone who wants to complain or discuss something often but I'm more than happy if others want to but the other way round it can be like that you'll get never mind let's change the subject and it's not like I bring up heavy subjects like brexit .

@VeniceQueen2004

I think it depends. I am 'conflict averse' in that if people start shouting I instantly curl up in terror inside. From my childhood, same as you. But I can argue the hind leg off a donkey as long as anyone will let me, I love debate, I love disagreement, I love discussion!

My DP is the opposite. He doesn't feel verbally confident (don't know why, he's very clever), he doesn't like changing his mind but he can't really argue with me effectively (be it about a theoretical idea or a practical problem). So he will either shut me down in the way you describe, or (my less favourite) start shouting at me. Both have the effect (I assume desired) of shutting me up.

We sound quite similar. I hate shouting and aggression. I don't have a huge social circle (and no partner) but I've realised the majority of it I feel quite oppressed and can't say what I think. I know some of it is my issue from my past and I have discussed this with a counselor, but maybe I also hang around with people who lack communication skills and emotional intelligence. Their reactions can be toddler-like and lack critical thinking, and they lash about and attack my personality directly.

It's something I'm working through, and I thought this thread might help. I've ended up developing ways of 'watering down' my opinions or disagreements so that they can't be twisted as 'confrontational', but I can't shake the feeling that having your own thoughts isn't a bad thing and if the recipient can't handle it then that's their problem!

Do you listen to their side or is your opinion the right one automatically because it is your opinion.
Dsis loves confrontation she'll pull apart a tiny conversation with a debate though she is never wrong.
I don't waste my time discussing things with someone who won't see both sides.
Most confrontational people don't listen to others.

@Ylvamoon

It depends on your choice of words and your tone of voice... just have a look at your post: conflict avoidant because they're unable to communicate effectively just because accused of

How does this sound/ make you feel?

Agreed. I debated even making this thread as in particular when I write I can be very blunt and didn't want it to come across the wrong way. In person I soften my phrasing significantly.

I am also aware that my deep seated frustration at always being labelled the cause of arguments actually facilitates a vicious circle. My nasty brother if I stood up to him would love to swipe below the belt and say, 'see, this is why you have no friends, you're the problem, you're argumentative' over any minor slight. My mum would then jump on, albeit more subtly, and imply I was the common denominator with any conflict.

As I saw it (simplistically), my only other option was to just accept bad treatment. You can resist bad treatment without being aggressive but apparently any resistance was me being difficult. It was one or the other.

Ditto we aren't allowed to ask DSIL and her husband why they voted Brexit (because he thought his business would do better - but it's not) Why do you think it is any of your business how they voted? There is having a debate then there's being a nosey person trying to push your opinions and choices.
I can't abide nosey folk.

@EmeraldShamrock

Do you listen to their side or is your opinion the right one automatically because it is your opinion. Dsis loves confrontation she'll pull apart a tiny conversation with a debate though she is never wrong. I don't waste my time discussing things with someone who won't see both sides. Most confrontational people don't listen to others.

Entering a debate when you're convinced you're right and your opinion can't be changed isn't a debate at all. One of the benefits of always being told I was the one in the wrong is that I question myself constantly and always try and see multiple perspectives and am open to changing my mind. And even if I don't change my mind totally, seeing the balance of both sides actually makes me feel 'better' if that makes sense.

Yanbu

Almost nobody likes confrontation. But unfortunately it's part of life. It irritates me when people say this.

Negotiating compromise is an essential life skill, it's not optional. Its part of being an adult.

Yes it's uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable for everyone.

I don't mind discussion or debate but I will not engage with the racists in DH's family. I think that by arguing with them I am giving them oxygen. DH has a habit of going into 'lecture mode' in discussions. When I hear the phrase 'my key point is...' I give up. Bloody patronising.

My nasty brother if I stood up to him would love to swipe below the belt and say, 'see, this is why you have no friends, you're the problem, you're argumentative' over any minor slight. My mum would then jump on, albeit more subtly, and imply I was the common denominator with any conflict
I'm not excusing your nasty brother, if close family including your DM has discussed it they might have a point.
If my Dsis wasn't my sister I wouldn't be friends with her. None of her colleagues are friendly with her. She thinks she is blunt by being direct but she is mostly rude.
People avoid conversations with her as it turns into a debate she gets frustrated when people don't agree and forces her opinion harder. Rams it down throat

Sounds like you're the problem OP. Everything you've said suggests you think you're superior to the people who don't want to enter into the conflicts or arguments you engineer and then you position yourself as an abused victim because people don't want to do that with you. It's quite a toxic and narcissistic attitude.

It's very possible to 'stand up for yourself' and disagree without being perceived as argumentative; the fact you are continually accused of that plus the patronising language you use to describe people that aren't like you, is significant I think.

I hate confrontation due to an abusive childhood even a disagreement leaves me an anxious wreck it's something I am working on but I do massively struggle with it and will agree with people at times to avoid a debate as it makes me so uncomfortable

Very harsh Beating!

I find it mildly annoying when others duck out of the things in life no one (or very few anyway) enjoys like making small talk or dealing with difficult situations where there may be conflict. It leaves it to others to have to do this which I guess is the idea but is quite unfair.

Never forget being in a group of adults sitting outside on a self catering weekend when the farmers aggressive dog kept running up to us. The adults ignored it as scared to piss off the farmer but dd2 then aged 10 shouted assertively “please keep your dog away he is scaring us”. Never been so proud!

@Beatingthisthing

Sounds like you're the problem OP. Everything you've said suggests you think you're superior to the people who don't want to enter into the conflicts or arguments you engineer and then you position yourself as an abused victim because people don't want to do that with you. It's quite a toxic and narcissistic attitude.

It's very possible to 'stand up for yourself' and disagree without being perceived as argumentative; the fact you are continually accused of that plus the patronising language you use to describe people that aren't like you, is significant I think.

Ouch

I think some of what you've said is fair. I've been wrestling with myself for a long time over this, and I was prepared for people to say, 'no smoke without fire, you must be the problem'. This is my constant inner debate.

I didn't mean to be patronising or superior. People are allowed to be different and have different ways of handling conflict. My concern is when they directly attack my personality as a form of defence, and nothing else. It is frustrating and again, I have said that a lot of my frustration comes from a feeling of not being heard, so it hurts more when my options are to shut up and agree for an easy life, or be labelled argumentative.

I also don't 'engineer' arguments. The one with my ex (we weren't together that long) was interesting as it was seemingly a perfect relationship. He then overstepped in my professional life and I just said, 'you've put me in a really awkward position' and not to do it again, and just like that, he walked out. There really wasn't any point getting angry about it, it was done and I had to deal with the problem, but the relationship never recovered. I've started thinking that the relationship was only 'perfect' because I tend to go with the flow and let the other lead. Once I broke the status quo it no longer worked. Despite the impression I may have given I'm very much a pick your battles type of person, if anything my boundaries are too relaxed.

My brother is a whole other story. He is entitled, lazy, stole money from me and gets aggressive if anyone dares disagree with him. My mum just wants an easy life so that translated to let him get away with everything and if I didn't like it I was causing trouble.

I'm trying to chew stuff over in my mind and get a full picture, so whilst your comment stung a bit, it is useful to get all perspectives.

@MsTSwift I see that as assertiveness. I'd be fairly confident to step up if something was irritating me or if I saw bullying etc.
I don't like confrontation if someone has a different opinion to me we don't need to trash it out. I don't discuss politics religion with many other than DP and a few others.

I hear you OP. I too dislike confrontation (only a dickhead would actually like it) and also don't like shouting or getting aggressive over a difference of opinion - but can happily discuss it calmly (ok I also love a good old debate about current affairs etc. and have some friends who we can have these passionate lively discussions with (probably with wine) - loads of points on which we disagree and that's absolutely fine, no one gets angry or upset and knows we probably won't change the other's mind but it's still good to explore their point of view), but yes, disagreement on things is inevitable in life and I hate it when people shut down the conversation with 'I don't like confrontation' and won't discuss it further - that's just them trying to shut you up and control the situation.
I have also been called argumentative (in family situations mainly) simply for disagreeing. And I'm not one of those blunt types who say things like 'I speak my mind' which usually just means they're trying to excuse the fact they're just rude.

[quote EmeraldShamrock]@MsTSwift I see that as assertiveness. I'd be fairly confident to step up if something was irritating me or if I saw bullying etc.
I don't like confrontation if someone has a different opinion to me we don't need to trash it out. I don't discuss politics religion with many other than DP and a few others.[/quote]
That's what I really mean. Assertiveness. It's because people around me keep using the word confrontation I forgot what I really meant

Like you I don't discuss religion or politics really, the exception is a couple of friends who have differing views but like to see all sides and weigh things up, rather than than 'debate' force our views on others. But when I try and be assertive about something minor, that's when it happens.

Sounds like you're the problem OP. Everything you've said suggests you think you're superior to the people who don't want to enter into the conflicts or arguments you engineer and then you position yourself as an abused victim because people don't want to do that with you. It's quite a toxic and narcissistic attitude.

How dare the little woman have an opinion and a right to voice it.

I find that it's generally considered easier to shut up women then to accept that people, and especially women, have differing opinions and are capable to debating them politely.

It's a bit like JK Rowling right now. Whether you agree with her or not, the sheer aggression aimed at her for daring to have a different opinion based on women's rights is astonishing. She stated her case, gave her arguments, and at no point was rude. Yet she is being called all sorts of names.

It's not normal to put a blanket stop on all debate just because it doesn't suit your agenda.

It depends on the person. I have extremely low self esteem due to a traumatic childhood, as a result I let people treat me like utter shit and I'm totally unable to stand up for myself because I dont see myself.as valid person who deserves love or respect. I've worked with therapists for years and nothing seems to help.
My hatred of confrontation is centred around this and if I feel attacked I will get upset. I would love to not be pathetic but sadly I cant seem to get better.
Some people I imagine do use it as a way to avoid having a conversation where they might be wrong but it may not always be the case

My view with these people is that they're conflict avoidant because they're unable to communicate effectively and they want everything their own way.

Partially guilty. I avoid conflict because I find it incredibly hard to "stand up for myself" without taking it personally and becoming emotional (usually angry), so I tend to let things go to avoid that.

It's not that I want everything my own way - actually the reverse, low self-esteem prevents me being assertive enough actually.

Eventually, when I can't take it any more, there's an explosive row, and people around me think "where the fuck did that come from"

In my wider family circle if I disagree with anything I’m accused of being judgemental or aggressive. I literally can’t even ask a clarification question without being accused of something.
As a result I have very little to do with them anymore because it’s either stroke their ego or have no discussion.
It’s taken a while but I’ve finally had enough!
Surround yourself with people who are able to see the bigger picture and are not afraid to debate. You won’t miss them.