People who 'hate confrontation'

[TooMuchCoffeee]

NC for this as don't want it linked to my other posts.

AIBU to think that just because you don't hate confrontation (i.e. you stand up for yourself), that doesn't mean you love confrontation either?

I've been told by various people in my life that they 'hate confrontation' as a way of shutting down a disagreement. Usually with a pointed look in my direction. Some of the more abusive arses have gone as far as to say that I'm 'argumentative'. My view with these people is that they're conflict avoidant because they're unable to communicate effectively and they want everything their own way. As soon as someone (me!) disagrees with them, I get accused of being argumentative, causing an argument etc etc. It really gets under my skin and brings up a lot of hurt from the past when I didn't feel heard and couldn't express my feelings.

To be clear, I'm not some gobby cow that goes around picking fights My question is, in this context has it been used as a form of control to shut me up and do as they say? I don't mind when people disagree with me and I try and see it from the other perspective. I had an ex who the one time we had a disagreement (he overstepped in my professional life and I said not to do it again - no shouting or swearing or anything), he walked out and never came back. His excuse later was 'he hates confrontation', implying I was the problem for disagreeing with him. I was constantly to blame for 'causing arguments' in the house when my brother and I lived at home when I would point out the golden child sat on the xbox all day and paid no rent while I was running round doing everything. But no, the problem was me saying anything as that 'caused arguments'.

I have friends where we can sit and debate, throw ideas around, disagree on fundamental things but actually enjoy exploring the opposite side. Neither of us are trying to change the other's mind, but I think rational debate and seeing other perspectives is a good thing.

Unfortunately I have had and still do have, certain people in my life who think 'disagreeing' is bad. Men who I assume think women should be seen and not heard, and women who follow them like good little girls.

AIBU to think that just because you stand up for yourself that doesn't mean you're 'confrontational', as if it's a bad thing? No one likes some who argues constantly, but no one likes a wet lettuce with no opinions either. Just because you're not a wet lettuce that doesn't automatically mean you're the other extreme?

You can be a happy medium with a backbone that still gets along with people as long as you don't surround yourself with controlling abusive dickheads?

As you can tell my past experiences of being silenced have really confused me. I was hoping some straight talkers here could give me some clarity.

They might hate it because they aren't very good at expressing themselves when they get heated - they go reptile brain and don't have access to all their words.
If they're using it as an excuse to avoid discussions about important things, do it via letter/note/email. No confrontations there.
I also get very frustrated with people who won't stand up for themselves. I have charged in to defend my too nice mum on a few occasions.

Entering a debate when you're convinced you're right and your opinion can't be changed isn't a debate at all. One of the benefits of always being told I was the one in the wrong is that I question myself constantly and always try and see multiple perspectives and am open to changing my mind. And even if I don't change my mind totally, seeing the balance of both sides actually makes me feel 'better' if that makes sense.

Absolutely! A wise woman once told me this : If someone has something to say, it’s at least worth considering.

My family dynamics are very similar to yours, op. Voice a differing opinion and you’re out for trouble/an argument/ being difficult/ trying to rock the boat/ aggressive.

I was once what could be seen as assertive, and often felt as though I was surrounded by more than my fair share of emotionally stunted individuals who had no idea how to communicate their thoughts, desires or feelings effectively. Their inability to agree to disagree without becoming personal has really impacted on how I communicate my needs and often left me feeling confused and unfulfilled/ misunderstood.

Watching this thread with interest as I really relate to all you’re saying and have wondered whether I am the root cause on many occasions.

3 of my closest friends hate confrontation. It drives me crazy. There are ways and means of saying that you aren't happy/there is a problem, without it being a drama.

I hate confrontation and avoid it as much as I can. I think in my case, it's because of certain issues from my childhood. I CAN have a rational, non-heated discussion, but often raised voices or "attacks" remind me of being that scared child with no voice... so if someone unexpectedly "comes at me" I turn back into a child and fall apart.

I don't think assertive people like it as such. I think they just have less issues about speaking their mind when needed. I don't think many people go around looking for issues to start a row about!

I admire the women I know who can effectively stand up for themselves and wish I could be more that!

I’ve stepped back from some women friends who seem to have decided that the nicest opinion is no opinion. And as soon as an opinion is aired, it should be shut down with a “let’s all play nicely” sort of tone, whilst their husbands are free to loudly debate whatever they like.

Yes. Exactly. It makes me want to slap them.

*i accept that this is confrontational

@Inthebelljar Ah, sorry to hear about your PIL - but good on you for sticking up for yourself! I have a feeling neither of us will ever hear an apology but battles to choose, etc.

DH's parents also took a lot of direct communication - aka 'confrontation' - to get passed the, almost stereotypical, narc+enabler dynamic but we got there in the end. Thankfully, my own family lives abroad and I just have to worry about a steady supply of wine when I skype them.

Just a general observation that a lot of British people, because of the national disposition and the emphasis on "manners" seem to struggle with assertiveness. (I'm British btw). I've noticed that generally people from non-British cultures seem to find it more socially acceptable to disagree without it being perceived as "aggressive".

I think confrontation for its own sake is very unpleasant and draining. But it is important to be able to communicate your needs and boundaries and it is important to be able to voice a differing opinion. People who have been brought up to think this is somehow bad manners or socially unacceptable seem to struggle with this basic communication.

And often "people pleasers" bend over backwards to be nice all the time and then get to a point where they explode because they are not able to communicate in a direct but non-aggressive way and then all hell breaks lose, with dire consequences.

My mum was like this: brought up to think her role was to be nice and agreeable at all costs and she consequently couldn't communicate what she wanted or believed at all. On the rare occasion when she needed to push back or strongly disagreed with someone she'd either fly off the handle or go into a huge sulk and refuse to discuss what was wrong. It was quite toxic and very difficult to deal with and she would have done herself and everyone else a favour if she had just been better at unambiguously stating her views and needs.

I think everyone should do some assertiveness training: there's a real art to being able to clearly but non-agressively assert your boundaries or express your opinions. And the quicker and more cleanly you do it, the less likely you are to have huge flaming rows or insult people when you can't make yourself understood.

@TooMuchCoffeee YANBU OP

I could have written this post. 😔😔😔
Sometimes people just say ‘You are confrontational’ - when I ask why they think their approach is right.

I tend to think anyone who says that have nothing to back up their reasoning so couldn’t go into a debate. They are usually not the people I ask the next time!

Thing is though ime, people that say they don't mind confrontation will use confrontation at a time it's not necessary.

I don't mind standing up for what's right, putting a complaint in and I'm told I'm good at expressing my side to a point people often ask my advice as to what to say.
But confrontation would be low down on my options on how to deal with a problem.
My experience is it is far better to deal with it in a way the other side does not feel attacked-they then get defensive and that is where the problems starts.

One factor is that many of us were brought up to be 'nice'. Well mannered, no arguing, get on with everyone, be well like and don't make a 'fuss'. That ingrained makes it hard for some people to be assetive as any 'argument' is seen as bad.

That also why we have a lot of passive aggressive behaviour in the UK.

@AfterSchoolWorry has nailed it exactly..

Conflict resolution is an essential life skill .
My parents never learned it ... huge issues because of that .

OP / you are correct the alternative in your family would be putting up with crap or being badly treated .
As long as no one has to resolve anything or tackle anything.

Stand your ground politely and firmly in the things that matter .

Some of the absolute nonsense that has happened in my family is ridiculous ... I could write a book ... simply because “ we don’t want to upset anyone “

@KatherineJaneway

One factor is that many of us were brought up to be 'nice'. Well mannered, no arguing, get on with everyone, be well like and don't make a 'fuss'. That ingrained makes it hard for some people to be assetive as any 'argument' is seen as bad.

That also why we have a lot of passive aggressive behaviour in the UK.

Agree. Born and bred British people tend to moan (like here) but not stand up and tell it to the person face-to-face. Or even worse! When they agree with what the other person said during the meeting but then moan!

I was brought up to be ‘nice’ and honest. I used to dealing with people who could share their thought ( have a backbone )
I found it quite challenging to deal with people here, but was sent on an emotional intelligence course (got brainwashed)😂 and I have a better understanding now

Thepeople What you described caused issues in my old workplace. English firm but lots of international colleagues they hated our waffly way of speaking!

“If you’ve got a minute it would be great if you could finish that report” by English boss translated “finish that report now” but the Dutch / Iraqi / American lawyers would hear “do it whenever” eeek

I think there is a difference between people who are genuinely afraid of conflict and try to avoid it, and people who say they are as a way of avoiding discussion. The former I have a lot of sympathy with and you can usually see it's genuine from body language and facial expressions; they don't know what to say and can't cope if confronted.

The latter I think are really manipulative; I work with someone who claims to hate conflict or confrontation but in reality she's a gobby self important cow, and what she really wants is for you to just shut up and agree with her / do what she says without questioning or discussion.

I can't bear conflict due to childhood. I really react badly internally. I prefer to be around calm people. I debate regularly, and it is part of my job. However the language used is positive even when we are arguing the complete opposite. Your language OP to me is aggressive rather than assertiveness. You go for the jugular several times. I think I would avoid debating anything with you because I would be concerned that low blows would be included.

I think there's two types of "I hate conflict" people.

One doesn't like to have their 'superior and obviously always right' opinion challenged and will shut any debate down by claiming "I hate conflict" and accuse the other person of creating conflict for conflict's sake (ie they must be argumentative by nature because obviously they don't really disagree as the "I hate conflict" person's opinion is fact as they are always right.) They can't cope with anyone disagreeing with them because that clashes with their self narrative of being perfect and always right.

Then there's people who are extremely insecure and see any instant of conflict (no matter how justifed on their part) as validation that the other person thinks they are worthless too. A disagreement on even the most minor matter confirms that self narrative.

I was married to someone conflict avoidant. This led to multiple lies on his part and rather extreme deceptions because he "didn't want an argument...". Now I'm not aggressive and do not have arguments with people but I think personally, it is reasonable to be able to discuss things like adults. I agree with you OP and think some of the comments you've had have been unfair.

I think certain personality types tend to set each other off and in future I will minimise contact with people like this and where I can't, I will keep a superficial relationship. I deserve to be able to communicate with people, without a row. If that can't happen, I will ignore passive aggressive behaviour and keep it light.

Some people hear any disagreement as "I don't like you" or "I think you are stupid" and they immediately react defensively, either by defending themselves aggressively (shouting, obfuscating, using faulty logic) or by refusing to address anything 'unpleasant'.

I think both reactions are a sign of insecurity. It takes a lot of maturity and dignity to listen with an open mind, really consider a criticism or a suggestion, and be able to learn and develop.