To just say f*ck it..it WILL be okay or am I too naive?

[glasscup24]

NC as this could be quite outing. I've always wanted a small age gap between DC. We were going to start trying just after DD turned 1 which was a perfect age gap for me and what I've always wanted. DP knew this from the start, even before we had DD. However, because my job was still fairly new at the time and also due to the fact that DP didn't want another baby(it's always a different excuse with him), we didn't try when I we wanted to. So now, DD will be two in 2 months time and I wanted to start trying lasts cycle. He now has the main excuse of 'if you lose your job, we won't be able to afford it'...I see his point though because I work in the hospitality sector and have only been at this job a year so if there is to be redundancies at the end of this all, I'm sure I'm likely to be one of the people to go but on the other hand I have some hope as there is only 4 people in our department and they already laid one off before lockdown, leaving us with 3 people. We also do accounts for 2 hotels rather than just one. I understand, we wouldn't really qualify for any help from the government either and Nobody would take me on when pregnant. Unfortunately, I won't find out about redundancies/where I stand with my job until at least August/September at the very least. I'm so so torn and upset because that means there will be almost a 3 year age gap. Another excuse he has is that we are due to be buying our first house and relocating in September next year and he would rather have the money saved for a deposit, decorating, etc. rather than our savings going towards topping up my maternity pay(if there is any..?) He says to start trying for a baby after we've moved and we're settled..this would mean a 4-5 year age gap..I'm so angry with him mainly because he knew I've always wanted a 2 year age gap max and he agreed before until it was time to start trying and now he's trying to sort out his entire life in the space of a year as if he's running out of time...we're only 24. He says he doesn't want to be renting for the rest of his life, blah blah. I don't know what to do and how to convince him that it would be OK regardless, it always is. Please be gentle because this is really messing with my head and getting me down a ridiculous amount.

It sounds like he doesn't want another but doesn't want to come out and say so.

I have a 3y2m age gap between my two and it works well... don't stress too much

I dont think he wants another one.

I've always wanted a 2 year age gap max

Things cant always be planned though when it comes to pregnancies, so it's important to keep an open mind and try and not stress to much.

As others have said, he doesn't seem to want another one at all

Your problem sounds like it's as much "if" as " when" and you need to have a much bigger conversation.

Well I think that buying a house first is very sensible. However I agree that he may have changed his mind but not have the courage to tell you. I would suggest sitting down with him and having a calm conversation about it. He does have the right to change his mind.

4y4m age gap here and it is fine, honestly.

Tbh, his plan of sorting secure jobs and a house feels more sensible than trying for another baby right now. Of course the time is never perfect, but if you guys have a concrete plan to sort these (fairly basic) things then why not let that run? It’d be different if he just wanted to buy a new Lambo or renovate his shed or something.

My friend had her first at 22 but she now has 5 children - and with 3-4 year gaps and in one case a 5 year gap. As you said, you are only early twenties, you have bags of time for more children. Good luck with whatever you do x

It doesn't sound like he wants another baby at this time.. But you are still young so there is plenty of time.
For what it's worth we started ttc no 2 before our first turned 1 and there is 2.5 years between them but we had the other things sorted as much as one can have. If you were to lose your job and your home your dh would have an awful lot of extra pressure on him try.

2yrs 8ms between mine and works perfectly. A 3yr gap is the optimal for alot of people.

I don’t know why people are saying hello doesn’t want another one’ to you, that’s just cruel and trying to provide fuel for your fire!

I’m sorry OP but he sounds sensible and you a bit of a day dreamer, which is nice, but not realistic.

I think your partners way is much more suited to the family, I know you wanted a small age gap and he agreed to it, but this is reality, things change. We all say we want this or that when it comes to children but for hardly anyone that ever becomes the actual case

I think he is being very sensible to be honest. Your post reads a lot about what YOU want.

Presumably you are not married and renting. He sound like he has his head screwed on about providing a more secure environment to bring more children in to.

You are only 24. If it was me my priority would be formalising my relationship, securing a home and of course concentrate on the child you do have.

YABU, he is allowed to change his mind and can’t be held to what was discussed over 2 years ago. He also sounds reasonably sensible in regards to your job and wanting to buy a house. If you lose your job whilst pregnant, how will you afford a child as you won’t get any maternity money (unless you can claim some sort of benefit which I’m unaware of) and how would you purchase your house if you have to use up savings? There is nothing wrong with a larger gap. One of our family friends has a 5yr gap and they are (or appear to be) one of the greatest families I know. Each child got the attention they needed as older siblings were at school by the time the next came along. I’m not saying a smaller gap between kids means the kids don’t get the attention they deserve but I can see it being a lot harder when there is multiple kids at home and at such a young age. 2 - 4 year olds are quite time demanding (from my experience)

I also agree with the above post. I am the youngest of 3 Sisters and there is exactly 5 years between each of us.

That gap has worked really well over the years.

I think it's telling that you describe his reasons as excuses - it comes across as you totally dismissing him because he agreed to it 2+ years ago. Maybe the pandemic has made him realise that increased stability for you as a family should be a priority?

However, it doesn't sound like either of you are communicating very well. You're talking about it, but I'm not sure you're actually sitting down and discussing it in depth and trying to understand each other's point of view.

I know he wants another baby, we've agree on 3 Kids (obviously if we can) but like people have said he is trying to be sensible. I know he wants one as when we talk about it he talks about how nice it would be to have a son. We've literally just had a conversation and he said It do want one but we can't have everything all at once'. Yes it would be absolutely perfect if we get a house first, relocate, etc. But I also know him too well and that will not be enough for him, he will want to make sure the entire house is decorated first and we have everything sorted, like furniture, walls done, just everything. Then he will want to buy a new car, get more savings and the list goes on. I just feel like at this rate we won't be able to have a baby until our daughter is at school at least and that just to me seems like to much of an age gap personally. He also says he wants to stop having children by the time he's 30. we also have a wedding to plan and save for. Like I said the list just goes on but there's so much uncertainty and I know it's nobody's fault due to the current circumstances.

Oh and to back up other posts, the siblings I'm closest to are 10 and 12 years older than me.

You can't force another person to have a baby.

Your DP has good reasons for not wanting a 2nd child yet, if you dont agree with him you need to decide if you want to be with him more than you want a 2nd child.

It sounds like you're not married and don't own a property together, so you can walk away today if you want.

Arrange shared care of DC1 and try to find a new DP who does want to have a child with you.

Alternatively, if you want to stay in your current relationship, you need to accept that the will of the person who doesn't want the baby always trumps the will of the person who does; surely you dont want to bring an unwanted child into the world? There's enough of those already.

Sounds like he doesn’t want a second child. I’m of yours line of thinking just go for it these things work themselves out.

His list gets bigger because he doesn't want any more I think. Even if he says he does.

If it's the age gap you are worried about, my sister is 4 yrs younger than me. We are very, very close - always have been. I think we both enjoyed the age gap, partly because we didn't feel quite so 'compared' with each other - we had the chance to establish ourselves a bit, iyswim.

Heading for a 4 year age gap. It’s larger than we had wanted, but actually as it happens it’s good that it worked out that way as we’re expecting twins. Honestly I think it’s going to be much easier to manage that now DD is a bit older.

I guess I’m just trying to say that with families, you don’t always stick to the original plan because circumstances change. And maybe after having one, your DP may be more aware of the difficulties of having a small child and how hard it is to get other aspects of your life sorted when you’ve got tiny ones.

Don’t force the issue with him. If he’s not ready yet, he’s not ready. Although you may have wanted a small age gap and that may have been the plan, you need to approach this as a partnership - imagine how tough it could be if you have a child and then his response to everything is “I told you I wasn’t ready, I don’t have time to change nappies, you wanted it so you sort it” (could be going on in his head even if it never comes out of his mouth.....)

I don’t think age gap matters that much it’s more about personality. As your young I probably agree with your DP that now is not best time to have a baby.

As you’re young sorry. Hi

I think you need to have a serious sit down and talk and do some sums with your finances. It sounds like you've got a lot of things you want to do but probably, or potentially (depending on the job situation) can't afford to do. You're going to have to prioritise so i think you need to act like grown ups and work out what matters most to you.
If it makes you feel better one of my friends has DC who are 21 months apart and when younger they were way more difficult in terms of them getting along than any i've met with a bigger age gap.