To just say f*ck it..it WILL be okay or am I too naive?

[glasscup24]

NC as this could be quite outing. I've always wanted a small age gap between DC. We were going to start trying just after DD turned 1 which was a perfect age gap for me and what I've always wanted. DP knew this from the start, even before we had DD. However, because my job was still fairly new at the time and also due to the fact that DP didn't want another baby(it's always a different excuse with him), we didn't try when I we wanted to. So now, DD will be two in 2 months time and I wanted to start trying lasts cycle. He now has the main excuse of 'if you lose your job, we won't be able to afford it'...I see his point though because I work in the hospitality sector and have only been at this job a year so if there is to be redundancies at the end of this all, I'm sure I'm likely to be one of the people to go but on the other hand I have some hope as there is only 4 people in our department and they already laid one off before lockdown, leaving us with 3 people. We also do accounts for 2 hotels rather than just one. I understand, we wouldn't really qualify for any help from the government either and Nobody would take me on when pregnant. Unfortunately, I won't find out about redundancies/where I stand with my job until at least August/September at the very least. I'm so so torn and upset because that means there will be almost a 3 year age gap. Another excuse he has is that we are due to be buying our first house and relocating in September next year and he would rather have the money saved for a deposit, decorating, etc. rather than our savings going towards topping up my maternity pay(if there is any..?) He says to start trying for a baby after we've moved and we're settled..this would mean a 4-5 year age gap..I'm so angry with him mainly because he knew I've always wanted a 2 year age gap max and he agreed before until it was time to start trying and now he's trying to sort out his entire life in the space of a year as if he's running out of time...we're only 24. He says he doesn't want to be renting for the rest of his life, blah blah. I don't know what to do and how to convince him that it would be OK regardless, it always is. Please be gentle because this is really messing with my head and getting me down a ridiculous amount.

I think all his reasons are perfectly valid ones. You are very young and havd plenty of time to plan a second child. If you were in your late thirties it would be different.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with having an 'in an ideal world' scenario in your mind, I just don't understand why the age gap seems to be of more importance to you than anything else? Why does it trump owning and being secure in your own home, getting married (assuming you're planning to), and making sure you're as financially secure as you can? In the grand scheme of your life it will most likely have the least impact, especially as you're young and have plenty of time for more children.
The only reason I can see is that you have concerns that DP doesn't want any more children at all, in which case you need to have a proper conversation.

He isn’t making “ excuses “
He doesn’t want another child , at least not in the foreseeable future.
You are both very young to tie yourself down with such rigid life plans

I think your DP sounds sensible. 2 kids is hard enough let alone with potential financial worries, house purchase, relocation. You’re so young so realistically fertility isnt a massive issue. Age gaps work however you have them as you have no choice. You’ve gone beyond your 2 year perfect gap anyway I really wouldn’t worry.

I can imagine this is hurtful for you as you had your heart set on a small gap but he really sounds sensible to me. Indeed, it is never a perfect time, but his conditions (house etc.) are not unreasonable but actually serving the purpose of securing your family. Perhaps try to compromise and set a date to it - by which he'll either line up all he thinks is necessary to have before baby no.2 or you'll start trying regardless.

Maybe as time goes on and hes realised the demands of parenting, he isn't ready for a second.

He is being very sensible.

And 2 years may be ideal.. but what if you'd have then fallen with twins? Could you have coped with 3 under 3?
What if you'd had a miscarriage or struggle to conceive? 2 years may be ideal.. but it's not always realistic.

He is allowed to have his own opinions on when to have children too and what his priorities are, he is also allowed to change his mind.

You shouldn't have a child with someone who doesn't want one, whether it is just timing or ever.

You shouldn't have a child unless you can foresee (baring any unforeseen circumstances) you will be financially stable enough to raise them.

Right now you don't have either, so I think you need to change your priorities and get the notion of small age gaps out your head.

My sons are very close, grown up and living in London. There is 3 years and 5 months between them and even wen they were very little always loved doing things together. If you end up with a boy and a girl they might not be very close at all, so it is not entirely to do with the age gap.

My DS1 was there whem DS2 was born, (not planned) I've always wondered if that might be a factor in their closeness but I wouldn't recommend it!

Not read all the replies but to me he sounds sensible, not that he doesn't want a 2 year gap, just wanting to balance up this with home/work /security.
Could you compromise on saving hard and review the situation after September?
I'd be inclined to agree about buying a house first. But I wouldn't spend the money on decorating or a wedding if that would delay ttc.

I will never understand the obsession with 2 under 2.

He sounds perfectly sensible to me.
There is so much going on and uncertainty at the moment.
Life doesn't always go the way you would like but that doesn't mean it isn't going to be a nice life.
I'm glad that you have decided to take advice and calm down a bit.

Yes I agree with everyone. He's always been the sensible one whereas I like to fantasise a lots of course it would be great if I could live the dream but like posters on here have said, I need to get my priorities straight and having that said to me no - Buying a house and getting married first is definitely a priority over a smaller age gap. To me anyway. We never wanted a big wedding anyway, it was always going to be a small wedding so we don't need to save £20,000 for that which is a plus.

You're too focussed on the age gap that you've idealised - for reasons you don't explain. In reality, a wealth of research shows that a minimum three-year age gap leads to better health outcomes for both mother and children.

Given your personal circumstances and the shitshow that 2020 is - your partner is being the sensible one.

In my own experience, my siblings that I get on best with I have 5 and 7 year age gaps.

And you didn't ask, but I agree with the PPs - don't save for a wedding. Get married and have a nice party. Marriage is more important than the wedding. Read a few wedding threads on here and you'll see they're not all they've cracked up to be. Have people you love, a nice dress, good food, good music and good wine and it will be all you want or need.

Sorry, missed your update re: the wedding.

He sounds quite sensible to me, there are lots of people complaining here about not being able to get on the property ladder, who choose to have multiple children first and he's right your job isn't secure and the agreement doesn't seem to have been that he will be the sole breadwinner. You are still fairly young and time is on your side. We established careers, bought and renovated our house and got married before we had children. I'm really really happy we did. If you're going to impact your earning potential, definitely get married before having more children (doesn't have to be big or fancy)

You’re 24. Your preferred age gap is a random figure, you have no idea how any age gap will work for your family. Your partner sounds sensible.

Age gaps. I'm 3 years younger than Brother 1: we've never really got on, have nothing in common and for years we didn't speak at all (no falling out, just light years apart in every sense).

I'm 9 years older than Brother 2: we adore each other. I was very involved in his upbringing and it created an incredible bond between us. We can talk for hours and hours. I'm close to his wife and 2 teenage daughters, too.

Just sayin' - small age gap isn't everything.

I don't want to sound patronising, but I'm likely going to fail....

We'll done for reading the replies and taking on board opinions that are different to yours 😊

It takes a bigger person to do that and not everyone manages it.

My best friend is my brother. He was 20 when I was born. The sister im closed in age to (10 years ) don't get on very well. Dunno if that helps you !

Thank you so much everyone! I think I can say it's opened my eyes to what's right in front of me that I may have been trying to brush under the carpet and ignore to try and accomplish everything at the same time and rushing things rather than enjoying being in the present and focusing on the bigger picture. I'll now make a nice cup of coffee while my DD is having her nap and just relax with what I can say is a good amount weight lifted off my shoulders

I think you’re kidding yourself if you think he wants another baby. I also don’t think he should need an excuse to not have one. It should ok to say that he just doesn’t want another one. I think you’d be crazy to have another baby when your job situation is so uncertain. It reads very much like you’re trying to railroad him into it and he’s wanting his future to be more secure before he even thinks about it. I think you need to stop going on about it or you’re just going to push him away.

Go with the flow for now and plan your ideal gap between number 2 and 3.

OP I wanted to say how grown up you sound! Sorry if that’s patronising, it’s not supposed to be. But your first post was a bit I WANT IT NOW. I’m super impressed you’ve taken a breath and decided to wait a little. It’s tough when you’re more gung-ho than your DH. Mine wants everything perfect and then freaks about making a change as everything is perfect
I think you’re absolutely right to focus on the bigger picture. The age gap is only a small element of your family set up. Financial stability and a home are much larger.
Good luck.

@glasscup24

I can see you’ve taken on board what everyone has said so I won’t hammer the point home.

I will say that I’m 26 (DH is 28) and we’re expecting DD2. DD1 is 6. It’s not the age gap I would have liked but it was best for us. Between DD being born and conceiving this DC, we’ve bought a house, become secure in our jobs, got married and spent a year TTC with one early miscarriage. It’s not when we planned to have our second DC but we’re pleased regardless.

Good luck when you do go on to have DC2.

I think my OP was out of pure rage and confusion maybe? Now that I've read it back, it does sound very much all about ME and what I want this is definitely not the case irl. It's good to have older and wiser people to ask and consult with especially as I'm not very close with my family! Thank you for the good luck messages!