To just say f*ck it..it WILL be okay or am I too naive?

[glasscup24]

NC as this could be quite outing. I've always wanted a small age gap between DC. We were going to start trying just after DD turned 1 which was a perfect age gap for me and what I've always wanted. DP knew this from the start, even before we had DD. However, because my job was still fairly new at the time and also due to the fact that DP didn't want another baby(it's always a different excuse with him), we didn't try when I we wanted to. So now, DD will be two in 2 months time and I wanted to start trying lasts cycle. He now has the main excuse of 'if you lose your job, we won't be able to afford it'...I see his point though because I work in the hospitality sector and have only been at this job a year so if there is to be redundancies at the end of this all, I'm sure I'm likely to be one of the people to go but on the other hand I have some hope as there is only 4 people in our department and they already laid one off before lockdown, leaving us with 3 people. We also do accounts for 2 hotels rather than just one. I understand, we wouldn't really qualify for any help from the government either and Nobody would take me on when pregnant. Unfortunately, I won't find out about redundancies/where I stand with my job until at least August/September at the very least. I'm so so torn and upset because that means there will be almost a 3 year age gap. Another excuse he has is that we are due to be buying our first house and relocating in September next year and he would rather have the money saved for a deposit, decorating, etc. rather than our savings going towards topping up my maternity pay(if there is any..?) He says to start trying for a baby after we've moved and we're settled..this would mean a 4-5 year age gap..I'm so angry with him mainly because he knew I've always wanted a 2 year age gap max and he agreed before until it was time to start trying and now he's trying to sort out his entire life in the space of a year as if he's running out of time...we're only 24. He says he doesn't want to be renting for the rest of his life, blah blah. I don't know what to do and how to convince him that it would be OK regardless, it always is. Please be gentle because this is really messing with my head and getting me down a ridiculous amount.

I think you’re being very naive @glasscup24.

Seems another classic case of fatherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and not what he expected and he doesn’t want anymore kids.

He sounds very sensible. If the small age gap was so important to you, why did you not wait to have the first one until such a time you knew you could afford 2 close together (if that makes sense).

Given your circumstances and the current situation, I think he's right that now is not the right time.

Mind you, it's unlikely that there will ever be a "right" time. But I think now would be exceptionally poor timing.

You and your partner should be equal in all things, this decision as well. Now is not a good time, so talk about when is a good time, or at least not a bad time.

As for the age gaps, I'm the eldest with 4 years between my brother and I and 4 years again between him and the youngest. We're a really close family and that age gap is perfect. You don't tend to have more than 1 going through "major events" at once (potty training / early school days / GCSEs / A levels....).

I have a 3 year old and am due to have 2nd in 6 months. I'm really happy about the gap as my LO is old enough to understand about having a baby and being a brother 😊 I think it eases jealousy.

His list is getting bigger because he’s 22, he’s already got one child, is looking at the current landscape in terms of economy, jobs, recession etc and thinking about the responsibilities he’s already got, the plan he’s got for your life together, and actually being sensible. He’s looking at a bigger picture. You’re just thinking about a very narrow of what you want right now.

YABU.

I think this thread is a classic example of why people get into difficulties. Your OH is being very sensible, listen to him not your hormones

Sounds like your making excuses about his excuses! Once you have a house and a job the list will grow...well yes! The list always grows, that is reality!

It sounds like you have the hump because you may have to wait and can’t have it all at once. We have friends like this, want everything instantly and compare themselves to us and the rest of our friends, which is silly, as we are 6 years older than them and have been in 10+ years relationships, so of course we will be further up the ladder of life....doesn’t mean they won’t be there too in 6 years but they want everything today!

Sounds best you leave your partner and find a man who is happy to get you pregnant without a job and a stable home....that shouldn’t be hard at all....obviously you will have a trust problem of if the man will stay around and support you, but you seem to prefer a second child over security as it will just all work out, so you can have what you want really, but consciences may or may not follow that.

I think his concerns are quite sensible. It does sound like your financial circumstances are currently not particularly secure, and a couple more years would improve them a lot.

There’s going to have to be movement on both sides to reach some kind of compromise on when you have another child, but ultimately it is always the wishes of the person who doesn’t want the child (either right away or at all) which trump the wishes of the person who does.

Leaving aside what he wants and aspires to, think about your own situation. You have a child and a very insecure job and no assets. You are not married. What is your plan B if the relationship breaks down? Especially if you have another child.

Regardless of whether his aspirations are endless, beyond having children what are yours. It’s as much your responsibility to provide stability and security for you child as it is his. From what you describe your individual ability to provide security is extremely precarious.

It must be very tedious for your partner to do all the grown up thinking. I urge you to take some responsibility and to plan for your own security in the event that everything falls apart.

To summarise your situation:

You're 24. You work in hospitality, which ar present is in a massively uncertain state of flux, with job worries for you and most others.

You don't own your house and would like to buy, which means savings. You want a wedding (not simply a cheap marriage), which takes savings.

You want another baby asap because - primarily - you don't want a big age gap between your DD and a subsequent child.

Your DP has taken all the issues above into account and thinks it's crazy to TTC now.

He's right.

You could also start TTC now and not get pregnant for years anyway. I have a 4yr 10m gap between mine and it's mostly worked well even though it's not quite what I planned due to miscarriages etc.

fk it is never a sensible plan when planning a family is concerned, especially as you're not married, don't own a home and employment is insecure. He sounds like the sensible one and you're calling his reasons 'excuses' while coming up with reasons (or indeed excuses) just to do what you want anyway, your only logic being that you want a small age gap (PPs have pointed out this isn't an issue) and that it's something you agreed - years ago when you were very young and hadn't had DC yet so didn't know the reality. Take a couple of years to get married, get the mortgage, get some employment rights and you'll still only be 26. With a sensible, objective head on, it's really hard to see what the rush is.

If he is just wanting to put it off for the above he is right. This isnt the time to rush into trying for a small age gap

I have a 3 year 7 month age gap and its been perfect. They get on as well as any of the other older sister younger brother combos that have smaller age gaps. The age between them has never been an issue

He sounds very sensible. You're still young with plenty of time. I think it would be a good idea to secure circumstances before planning another child rather than fixating on an age gap.

I think you need to try and let go of the ideal age gap scenario you wanted between your children. Life really doesn't always happen as you plan it and given the circumstances you have outlined, waiting seems like a far more sensible option.
As hard as it is, try to take the emotion out of the equation and have a proper talk with your partner, going over all your finances, plans and potential scenarios.
He may have previously agreed to a 2 year gap but is clearly now reassessing the situation and trying to make an informed and sensible decision. Rather than dismissing his views as 'excuses' try to listen and understand what he is saying. Sometimes a 'fuck it' attitude is what is needed in life but in the case of bringing another child into the world, in uncertain financial times for you both, is this really one of those times?

What is it about a small age gap that is so important to you?

The threat of redundancy, and wanting to get a mortgage first seem like very good ideas to me. What's the need for a two year age gap? I don't see the hurry, you are only twenty four.

Why not suggest a compromise and agree to wait until you know whether you will keep your job.

OP I had my first child when I’d just turned 22, we both agreed that a 3 year age gap would be lovely but I unexpectedly fell pregnant when my DD was only 9 months old.
I wouldn’t change anything now but having two in nappies wasn’t easy!
Trying to meet the needs of a toddler and newborn is exhausting and we never got the chance to save up for a house or finish university, I wanted to be a nurse but my children are on the spectrum, I’ve never had time to do anything as I’m their main carer and no family support so even now several years down the line I still can’t commit 40 hours a week to training due to their needs, again I wouldn’t change a thing as they are my world but we’ve never been in a position to provide the life we wanted for them.

I think your partner is just trying to be sensible, it’s easy to say “I’d love 3 kids” but things change, there was a time I wanted 4, after my second was born we decided no more!
If you have the opportunity to save for a house and provide a secure future for your family then it’s best to get that sorted before having another child, it will make life easier for you all in the long run, your so young there’s no need to rush these things.

I also have close family with children who have a 5 year age gap honestly there’s not much difference.

He sounds extremely sensible. You sound as though you just want to play with your dollies and not think about grown up things.. la la la

You are so young , isn’t there anything else you want to do with your life? What about a career? You are becoming completely dependent upon this young man when you don’t even agree on life goals.

At this rate you will be on the Relationships board in a few years moaning about being unmarried, stranded with three kids, with no security and your boyfriend has just left you.

You’re so young*

Okay, maybe this is what I needed. Some good talking to from someone that isn't my DP and someone older and wiser. I don't really have any family I could talk to about this and my friends are all still fairly young so wouldn't rely on their advice. It's good to hear opinions and suggestions from you all. Give what everyone has said on here, I will definitely wait until my job is more secure and the house sale goes through.

I think you are focussing far too much on the age gap. A two year gap won't guarantee that the kids are best friends, and in fact I'd say their quality of life would be far better with a larger gap and parents who aren't struggling to make ends meet. Sort your lives out and then have another, there is no rush.

But if you had a two year age gap would you want another two year gap between babies 2 and 3? Cos if that's the case it will be really hard to save for all the things he wants for a long time. He is being very sensible. Why are you so keen on the small gap? I always wanted quite a big gap, theres 3 years and it's worked really well

we have a wedding to plan for

Forget about planning a big wedding, if you are thinking of a house and three children. Have a small wedding to secure your financial and legal position before you go any further. Too many threads on here about wheels coming off the relationship down the line and unmarried women getting screwed over by their legal position. You don't think it can happen to you ? That's what a lot of women think.

'I don’t think age gap matters that much it’s more about personality.'

This ^ my dh has a 5/6year age gap with his sibling and they have never gotten on and put it down to the age gap and different interests. Dh was a teenager when his sibling was still a kid and he always complains they have nothing in common. I wonder how much of this is down to the age gap through and that it is probably more personality as they are two very different people to begin with.

It's good that you recognise it's better to wait for now.

However, in your opening post you suggest your partner has had a number of 'excuses' not to TTC a second baby. I would strongly advise a frank conversation with him where you ask him, calmly, if he has changed his mind about another child.

He is perfectly entitled to have changed his mind, or be having doubts, but he owes it to you to tell you if that's the case. Then you can decide whether it's a deal breaker for you or not. I'd do this before the house purchase and wedding happen.