Should I stay or should I go?

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

I am 6+3 with our 2nd baby. My partner is unhelpful to say the least and down right rude and obnoxious at best. This morning I had to go and wake him up 3 times to get his eldest ready for school (my DSS). Slightly later I was sat watching cartoons with DS1 (18mo) having made us both tea. Couldn't face my brew 🤢. The dog made a very repulsive smell so I asked DP to let him out. He responded by saying to DSS "apparently I'm not allowed a cup of tea because Late has to tell me what to do all the time". I get told off for prodding them both along in the morning but he just won't step up and sort himself and his eldest out. They were late again. I got shouted at for making juice for DP to take to work because I apparently shouted at him to not pour it out. I'd just it the concentrate in.
He has shouted and sworn at me in front of both children and said "I Hope your mood improves" meaning it's all my fault. I feel like he is gaslighting me and I am doubting myself.

Sorry for the ramble, I can't get this straight in my head

Depends how things were said really. If it was a gentle prodding and then a “god that dog stinks, can you take him out?” then your partner is unreasonable. And it sounds like you are saying he is a lot. If it was more shouting and melodrama then he’s maybe in the right. I would suggest you don’t bother prodding them along and you just say you are worried about his job if he keeps showing up late. Just let stuff that doesn’t actually affect you go and pick your battles on the stuff that does and determine whether it’s worth doing that or leaving.

He sounds like a twat. It’s hard to see how he’s improving your life, really.

He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to build a life together with. No one should treat you that way.

Has he just suddenly changed in the last 6,5 months? You mention this is your second child with him...

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

That's not hugely helpful to the OP, subtly blaming her for having a second child with him..people change, or you come to a realisation over time.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

Your comment is unnecessarily harsh. I was on the pill, I start university in September and DSS is awaiting SEN diagnosis. We had no intention at all of bringing another child into our very rocky relationship. However, they are here now so must make a plan

It doesn't sound like a good relationship
Are you sure you want to stay?

@LouiseTrees
We are both self employed gardeners in a business partnership so there is no boss to hold him accountable. I meant they were late getting to school with DSS new early drop off time of 8:30

I tried not prodding about the uniform needing washed from last week and had to put a white load on last night as we had no polo shirts for today. As a result DSS has gone to school in a not quite dry polo. The other set of uniform is still in a heap waiting to be washed. DSS is only in school thurs and fri.

I didn't think I'd shouted or been unreasonable but he obviously thinks I am. Then I start doubting myself. Do I nag, do I shout, am I wrong, is it hormones?

DDog is desperate for a proper walk but my sciatica is playing up and I can barely get to the end of the lane. DP hasn't walked him on his own.m so last walk was Saturday. Surely it's obvious that a border collie needs a walk?

I dont think I want to stay but at 6+3 due in Feb, a toddler and starting uni, I don't think I can afford to live. Maintenance loans etc won't cover rent on my own place.

It doesn’t sound like a happy relationship for you or are nice environment for your children. Do you need to stay? Do you want to stay?

I would just let him parent your DSS and if he ends up oversleeping or missing school, it’s not your responsibility.

What a muddle, it can’t be easy.
Is your sciatica something long term? I can only imagine pregnancy will intensify this pain, therefore making university even harder. What have you planned for your birth/leave in February?

University is very expensive. I would have this all figured out before I commenced a course. Deferring could be an option. I would also be questioning if now is the time to bring another child into a rocky relationship.

If you feel he is being unreasonable then it is perfectly valid for you to feel that. Without having been there I can't say for sure but it's does sound very much like gaslighting. I would have to second lockdownhairdontcare's points...

Sciatica is fairly long term. It's worse now because I can't have the physio and massage I need to keep it under control. It is the main reason for going to uni. I am currently a gardener but can't keep it up much longer. I'm retraining to be an OT.

The baby is here to stay so we need to make a positive plan for how to cope.

I know I can parent alone. I do most of the time anyway.

Uni is expensive, I need to talk to them and see how to work round a baby. I would rather start and then take a year off from when baby is born than defer a year now. I don't want to talk to uni until after the dating scan anyway so I can give a definitive due date as I'm a little unsure what either this being a surprise and all.

Regardless of weather or not you stay or go I would put university on hold for a year in your position. Give yourself a chance to have the baby and focus on the new baby for the first few months and then start uni in September.

It's hard to say who was being unreasonable, you both were probably abit snappy with each other. But I dont think this is about this one argument. From the sounds of it your not happy in the relationship in which case leave.

You mentioned he didnt wash his sons uniform and he was late getting him ready for school. Do you not help with your step child? Surely you have put a wash on in the last week? How hard would it have been to through DSS's uniform in the machine too? As you were already up, why couldnt you help get the child ready for school too? I find your attitude towards his son very odd.

• throw, stupid auto correct

@poptar4

@poptart4

Last week when we had DSS on his school days I left my partner sleeping and got DSS ready for school. I woke him up, sorted out his nighttime pants, set out his uniform, made his breakfast and his packed lunch. All whilst also sorting the toddler. DP finally arrived downstairs at 7:40 when they have to leave at 8 to get to school on time. Proceeded to have a go at me for nagging DSS to hurry up. He is nearly 7 and quite capable of getting dressed. I said if DP wasn't happy then he should do it himself next time. I suggested setting an alarm clock so he could get himself up and ready. This wasn't done so I had to wake him again and got snapped at for it.

I have done some laundry this week which is why we had clean jumper trousers and socks. I hadn't done a white load. It was sat in a heap at the top of the stairs. We have 2 shirts for DSS. He wore both last week. Surely a grown man can see the dirty laundry and think it needs to go in the machine? It shouldn't be my responsibility should it? Just coz I is woman? Nobody else wears anything white in our house because it looks grubby so quick and we both work outdoors and the boys just seem to get filthy.

Yep. Sounds like it’s a lazy man, so woman does everything, situation given the updates. I would be getting rid of the dog (rehoming) because it’s Thursday and that means the dog hasn’t been walked in 4 days. If you do end up leaving him it will be easier just with kids.

I'm sorry but there's no way I'd be bringing a 2nd child into this...

DDog is hard to rehome. Do you know how many border collies are stuck in rescue kennels? He has a sore back leg meaning he can't walk too far either (though he does need to go further than I can currently manage). This is only a sciatica thing and as soon as I can have massage again it will ease. A fortnight before my son was born DDog and I walked 12 miles...
he comes to work on my work days and potters round outside all day

@hopelessbusiness

Read my previous responses.

BABY IS HERE TO STAY!!!!!!!!

I WILL NOT ABORT MY CHILD

no kindly bugger off if you have nothing helpful to add. Constructive criticism and suggestions are welcome. Insensitive statements are not.

@DaffodilsAndDandelions I never said because your the woman that you have to do it all. Dont put words in my mouth.

I just found it odd that you didnt seem to want to do anything for your DSS. Obviously I dont live with you and I may be wrong.

Your update is full of resentment, that probably came across to your DP this morning which is why he snapped back. I'm not saying your wrong to be angry with him, in fact if hes not pulling his weight then you are justified in your resentment.

Honestly I wouldn't just end the relationship without having a discussion with him explaining why your not happy and asking is he willing to work on things and make more of an effort. If not them go.

@Poptart4 you very much implied that I must have done the laundry and was being petty mot and asking DSS uniform.
When actually the facts are that I had washed everything but the whites.

I still went and woke DSS this morning and laid out his uniform. I also got the toddler up and dressed even though leaning into the cot hurts my back, especially 1st thing I the morning.
All this while DP is in bed.

I agree it's not much to ask but the feeling is very much "why should I?" When I get snapped at for doing it wrong and never get a thanks.

It willl be my job to finish work early to collect both children. My job to cook them dinner despite morning (haha more like all day) sickness making me run for the loo at the smell and sciatica meaning I can't stand still.

Have you sat down and asked what he actually wants you to do then, if he doesnt want you to 'nag' him or his son? Is he saying you should just happily wave them off to school late or not at all if he doesn't get up and take him? Or is he hoping you'll sort it out and take him? It doesn't sound like either of you are enjoying this relationship any more. Have you suggested counselling? It sounds to me more like a question of when you will leave, not if.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie
I think you are right. It is when will I leave, not if. It has been this way for a while. I had stated the process and f getting ducks in a row 🦆🦆🦆 with the university applications. Me and 'D'P run a gardening business together so it's not a simple as walking away empty handed. We have both invested money and time into the business and our life together is all joint in that neither of us brought anything, not even a kettle!

My plan was to get settled in to uni life and then leave. Probably this time next year. Obviously a baby on the way changes that.

We spoke last week about the school morning thing. He said he was going to try really hard to get up and ready but definitely didn't tell me not to help out. I'd find that impossible anyway. Why should DSS be made late because he dad won't get up?

How can I be a single, pregnant, student parent???

Brain s getting fried with the thought of it!