Are you confident? Why?

[Unravellingonions]

How do you know, reasonably well, that your thoughts or ideas have value?

Most of the time, I don't know that. But over the years I have realised that :
A. Most people who share their ideas confidently talk utter nonsense / are misinformed (at work, anyway) and are just winging it
B. I don't give 2 hoots what people think
C. It's OK to be wrong sometimes

All these together mean that I am very confident in social situations, work meetings etc.

I didn't start out like this, it happened gradually

I think you’re confusing two separate issues. I’m pretty confident, and part of that comes from me accepting that others may not value my thoughts or ideas. I accept we may be different, or they may be more informed than me... but I don’t lose self- confidence because of it. I still feel valid.

Antenna point B is the definition of confidence IMHO, but not something I've managed to conquer yet.

They dont have any value. And that's what makes me confident. We are all essentially meaningless, and one day will be nothing but dust. There will be nobody to judge or condemn us. The only impact you can have is how you make others feel. So, as long as you're not upsetting or harming others, do what you like and feel good about it. Because nothing matters. Which gives you a lot of power.✌

I know they have value because after the passage of a lot of years, and a fair amount of therapy, I know that I'm basically a good, kind person. I know that I have a right to express my thoughts and feelings and that whatever they are, they have value. And that gives me confidence. It's taken a while to get me to this point, though.

Generally I can justify my values if challenged and am happy to explain why I think or feel the way I do. If I’m wrong, I’m happy to admit that and be corrected or learn. But I know mostly my heart is in the right place, I mean well and I act in good faith. If someone disagrees that’s fine, but it doesn’t impact on now I feel in myself. I’m comfortable in my own skin and with the person I am.

Am I confident, yes. Due to private schooling

I'm confident. My parents and family life were very secure growing up. I was given room to explore but always had a safe home.

I also have realised that in a work setting most people are just talking shit they know nothing about. Just like me ;)

I also think being involved in drama, debating and speech-making at school really helped my confidence.

I dont doubt my own thoughts or opinions and I like myself.

Historically, I have been right more than 50% of the time with my ideas/instincts. Really helps. Also, most of the times when my ideas/ instincts have been proved to be wrong, the situations have normally been easily resolved.

I’m confident because I’m at an age where I don’t give a shit what people think of me. It’s lovely. You should try it.

My mum always said that confidence is a bit like a leaky bucket. Lots of things in life can make you lose confidence, and she saw it as her job to keep it topped up for me and my siblings. She kept pouring it in the top if it leaked out of the holes.
Whenever I am In a situation when my confidence is lacking I think of my mum.

I'm not sure I really quite grasp the concept of not giving a shit what other people think, to be honest with you all.

I mean, if I'm sitting in the pub or out for a meal, then yes I really don't give a shit what people around me think of my clothes, for example.

But if I go for a job interview, I'll be conscious of what the interview panel will think of how I present myself because they will want someone with a face that fits. So if this is a job I want, I need to give a shit about stuff like that.

Even for things like hobbies. Say I have a dream to sing, if I want to join a choir but I warble like a cat being sick I won't pass the audition to get a spot in the choir. So...if I really want to join this choir, I have to care what they think.

Your question: are you confident? Why?
Yes I am, why not?

That sounds glib and I dont intend it to be. My short answer is that I have as equal a right to be here as anyone. My voice deserves to be heard and my thoughts are valid. I'm a single parent, which is a huge confidence zapper on many levels, but I feel empowered by it actually, much more confident than I did hiding behind a man and a marriage.

On another level, am I confident I look good? No, I am not and I do not. I've put on weight and am a fat size 14 and it drains my confidence. I don't overly care, but that layer of bravery that one has when one feels they look good is eroded and requires a extra bit of self confidence to patch that gap.

I don’t think ‘not caring what people think’ always means 100% literally - of course context is always important and there will situations you care more than others. But generally it means you live your life and be the person you are without letting other people’s opinions influence that. It’s understanding that you can only control your behaviour, not how others perceive it.

I don’t know that I agree that confidence is not Giving a shit what others think. It tend to think that’s arrogance 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think my confidence grows and wavers in certain situations based on numerous factors even down to little things like what I’m wearing or how my hair is. I work in a high pressure job with people who have Lots of expertise and I don’t have that yet so my confidence wavers there at times.

I prefer a quiet confidence and find loud brash confidence really off putting

For the specific situation you describe...

Watch Amy Cundy's TED talk.
Fake it til you make it.
Eye contact, smile, shoulders back.
Tell yourself they would be lucky to have you as much as the other way round. Actually tell yourself, in the mirror.
Channel someone you know whose confidence you admire.

For me, it's because I believe that if someone's going to look at me and think 'OMG, look at her with that walking stick' or 'Why isn't she wearing makeup?' then they're really not the sort of person I'm interested in knowing. Therefore, I dgaf about them.

Yes I am.

My thoughts and ideas have value to me, and that's all that matters.

Being authentic and kind is important.
Do what makes you feel good or right.

I do get nervous sometimes but then I agree, affirmations, Amy Cuddy, public speaking etc techniques all help. But mostly I just think it will work out and dgaf generally

I’m confident because I like myself, I know that I try hard to be a good person, and I have a family who adores me, especially my mum and my kids. If I ever do something really stupid or if my hair looks a disgrace or whatever I try to look at myself through their eyes and I feel good about myself again

Well interviews... I’ve had a few where my face doesn’t fit. It happens. Go to the next and I’m the best thing since sliced bread and get more money. I don’t desperately try to fit the place.

Choir etc, we’ll choose a hobby that works. I couldn’t join a choir because I’m truly shit at singing. I’m great at art, biking, running though. I’m social and have friends, so whatever about choirs.

You care to a point, but accept being different. No one is everybody’s cup of tea. That’s fine.

I could go through my life being embarrassed of my accent for example and lack of arts knowledge. I don’t lose confidence over not fitting in to many places because of my accent and look. I find happiness and confidence in places where I fit.

The most confident people i have met in a very varied life are confident (often over confident) because:

1. They were privately educated and trained to believe they were important and would be something great. (Conversely some of the least confident people i have met where ex public school but failed to achieve)
2. Had a good, secure loving family
3. Had had shit times and come out the other side unscathed.

Yester - interesting about the private shcool distinction. My ex came across confident as he had all the external manerisms and public speaking etc, but inside he wasnt at all!

I think the main thing is the messages you got at a child. If you investigate Adverse Childhood Experiences uou will get a list of reasons why people may not have had the positive messages in life and it has a huge effect on confidence. If you don't grow up believing that fundamentally, "you are okay" it is so so different to ThingThatGos mum (ai want to be like her, she ssounds amazing!) If you literally have parents that think you're just an inconvenience, don't provide for you, put you down, it moulds you from the inside out and is huge work to overcome.

Yes for interviews etc "fake it til you make it." But that is different from inner confidence.

There's some lovely posts early on where people have explained their views are important and they are as valued as anyone else.

I think also there is sometimes a bit of privilege. If you know that even if you dont get the job you wont be on benefits /if the nee business you start collapsrs you still have funding behind you etc then there you are more likely to be confident and dgaf what others think!

Arg typos 🤦‍♀️