Are you confident? Why?

[Unravellingonions]

How do you know, reasonably well, that your thoughts or ideas have value?

I like Shiney greens "I just look at myself through their eyes again." (Which is a good technique if they're nice people!)

But also it shows how much we instinctively value the opinions of those close to us. If through the eyes of your parent you are useless/failure/too X /etc then that stays with you. And also the ability to "top up" confidence by thinking through their eyes doesnt help.

In fact (through counselling) you have to actively stop the instinctively looking through their eyes and realise they are wrong. Easier said than done!

It is such a huge privilege to start adult life believing you are okay, you matter, your opinions matter. It is such a huge head start on those that didn't get that. And I think worth knowing for those who look down on others that don't come across confident.

I am confident.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I believe what I say or my thoughts have value though.

Value is something someone/society put on something. Take dollar bills for example, there are all pieces of paper, if we didn't decide that they had any value, they would be worth nothing (in fact during quarantine where paying in cash was restricted it very much felt like they were worth nothing), there is nothing that technically justify a 50 dollar bill (piece of paper) being worth more than a 1 dollar bill, they probably costed the same price to make we just decided one was worth more than the other.

I think my thoughts and what I say are valuable to me but they are as valuable to others as other find value in it.

My confidence isn't affected by how people perceive or don't perceive what I say or think though, which I think is where true confidence come from.

If you go to an interview and think it's YOU they are judging rather than if you would suit the position, and walk out of an interview self-conscious and deflated, you are looking at it wrong. Most people, for the most part, don't care nor give much value to others and their thoughts/what they say, nobody care that much and definitely nobody care about you half as much as you. Most of the time, people's behavior/lack of interest isn't personal, when people reject you, it's very rarely YOU they reject but more so the fact that you might fit within the pre-made vision they had of what they feel they need or are looking for. It's very rarely about you.

I think the key is in knowing your strength, acknowledging your weaknesses (and working on them) and going for what you want unapologetically, knowing you aren't perfect but nobody is and that what people think of you doesn't take away from who you are.

When I go to an even some will look at me and might think I am ugly, others might think I am pretty, some might think I am fat, others I am skinny, some might think I am smart, others dumb, despite being the same person and presenting the exact same way. to all So why should I put any value onto people's opinion of me. Why should what people who think negatively of me matter more than those who think positively and more than what I think of me?

Once you learn to genuinely not give a fuck (regardless of the situation) you will find a sense of confidence nobody can take away from you.

That's what's meant by "your thoughts have value."

Many people with low confidence will value what other people's thoughts of them are or other people's opinions over their own. So they aren't valuing or trusting their own thoughts or opinions. And then they often pick up the negative thoughts and messages from other people as that (in many cases) mirrors the messages they had when they are young.

By not placing value on your own thoughts you take on board the thoughts and opinions of those around you - so any criticism is really hardly felt rather than thinking "actually I did my best at the time."

"Why should what people who think negatively of me matter more than those who think positively and more than what I think of me" is exactly the key. And this is really difficult for those who have grown up believing that others peoples views are more important than their own.

I am, and I think it’s come with age and having a child with additional needs. I have had to put her case very forcefully to agencies over the years, and realised that I had to have faith in my own knowledge, abilities and instincts in order to do that.

The age thing is being happy in my body. It was so darn pert when I was younger, and I really didn’t appreciate it, so I making up for that by loving it in its dotage, and taking very good care of it, health wise. It’s incredibly liberating to focus on health rather than aesthetics.

I’m also more honest than I was as a young person- I say what I mean (with kindness), I don’t make excuses, and I admit when I’m wrong. I’m surprised by how much confidence that gives me.

There's different kinds of confidence. I am confident at work because I have got the qualifications and so on to back me up. I have a PhD and I was a teacher for a good few years so I can get up in front of an audience and talk/present with no fear at all. I work with men and have to prove I am the absolute dog's bollocks against all these mediocre males - it buoys me up. I have always been confident in my appearance; I have ASD so as long as I can manage not to look scruffy or shambolic, I'm winning. I agree with @imissmoominmama about focusing on health and not looks in regard to your body. In my relationship I feel confident because I know DH has got my back (after years with someone who really didn't). If I go for an interview I do care what the interviewers think, but because it's important to me to care, not to them - does that make sense?
However, socially I have very little confidence and often feel lonely.

It is such a huge privilege to start adult life believing you are okay, you matter, your opinions matter. It is such a huge head start on those that didn't get that. And I think worth knowing for those who look down on others that don't come across confident.

Are you not talking about self esteem here? They are not the same. Some people with low self esteem can be quite confident in some ways. While can have perfectly healthy self esteem but lack confidence in some situations.

A friend once told me she envied me because I was happy in my own skin. I guess that’s a kind of confidence and most of the time it’s true.

Everyone has moments of self doubt (well there are a few notable exceptions on the world stage unfortunately) and that’s a good thing. To be over confident is to be arrogant. I am, however, composed and quite articulate which probably reads as confident in most situations.

Also, never confuse not knowing something as lacking confidence. It takes far more confidence to say, ‘I don’t know this’ than to pretend you do.

And surely it’s not confident to not give a shit what a job interviewer thinks of you? That’s stupid.

So it’s quite complex.

I know someone that belonged to a choir who had a medical issue & a " poor quality" voice
They sang to help improve their voice & for the social aspects of joining a group

Therefore, it's not just about the singing

I’m generally a pretty confident person. This is combined with a fair sense of when it is or isn’t appropriate for me to comment.

Because I am highly educated and have had years of feedback on my contributions to discussions on the subjects in which I am educated, I feel well able to assess when my contributions have value and so I make them confidently.

On subjects about which I am not educated or have no experience, I weigh up any contribution I want to make carefully, and will usually only get involved to ask questions or find out more.

I have also had a lot of therapy which has helped me to understand that I am a decent, capable and intelligent person who has as much right to be heard on my areas of expertise as anyone.

Confidence is only half of the picture. People who are confident without the skills / knowledge / experience to back it up come across as arrogant and ignorant. People who have the skills, knowledge and experience but don’t have the confidence to back that up are overlooked. It’s not always easy to tread the line between these things.

I'm confident in my abilities because I know I'm good at certain things and can do them well. I'm very quiet though and come across as shy and nervous so people who don't know me are often surprised by my work, ideas, results etc.

Well, I am not inferior to anyone - or at leat to most people, I have met some incredibly bright individuals, I am not competing!

So my opinion and thoughts have at least as much value as anyone else. I don't really care what other people think either: I lead the life that makes me happy, I make the choices based on what I need and like, someone disagreeing has no impact on these choices. Same with my parenting.

Plus experience has proven that negative people have issues of their own, happy folks are not bitter, so it's fairly safe to ignore haters, at best you can pity them.
And let's face it, you dont' matter as much as you think you do for other people, they have their own life!

It's especially easy at work, I am not there to make friends. I am very pleasant, can't stand rudeness and people shouting or abusive, but I know I can't be popular when I get promoted and tell others what to do.

I have plenty of friends, but I have never been a doormat so I can have the life I enjoy.

Seren - yes confidence in your own thoughts and opinions are very much linked to self -esteem. Overlapping circles if you will,

There's different types of confidence. Many of us can be confident when we "put on a hat." So someone may struggle with confidence that their own thoughts or ideas have value ( in the OP) but may be v confident in their job when they can put that "hat" on, or playing a role.

The inate self-confidence/ self-esteem truly affects everything else. As its the ability to shake off the feeling of not being good enough and the ability to get back up and try again/pursue something else.

A lot is interlinked. But if at the core you can accept you have worth and value, that your opinions and thoughts have value and how not to take on board others negative messages it will have a huge influence on how you portray yourself and confidence going into other situations.

I’m extremely confident in myself. My mother always told me I could be anything, my formative years were spent at a girl’s secondary, where we were told we could be anything, I know I can be anything (within reason!).

In terms of confidence in my thoughts, I read, a lot. I digest and disseminate information from many sources. I like to be fully informed about a subject from all angles before I comment, therefore I know I’m not just talking crap for the sake of it.

But if I go for a job interview, I'll be conscious of what the interview panel will think of how I present myself because they will want someone with a face that fits. So if this is a job I want, I need to give a shit about stuff like that.
But if you’re confident, you answer questions about what makes a good leader and how you build a cohesive team thoughtfully. This is my experience and my opinion, happy to discuss but my thoughts have value. If the interviewers want to write that off then it’s not the job for me. I’ve done a lot of job interviews over the past few months, but I wouldn’t ever say something I don’t believe in.

For more on the question, I’m fundamentally happy with myself. I do value others opinions but only from people that matter to me or those I’ve decided I respect (which is quite a lot of people, there are a lot of talented well intentioned people out there ). I know my opinion has value, part of that is from knowing I’m fairly smart, but the biggest part is knowing that intelligence is just one aspect of me. I believe people have value, regardless of their specific talents.

You've got it time!

You can be incredibly smart, and have done v well in life on the surface and still lack that self-confidence in your own value. Sometimes it drives people to keep striving for even better carers/ money etc to try and prove themselves - but when youre trying to prove yourself to yourself it is never ending.

The realisation that 90% of people are winging it. The fact that, as human beings we want to like other people and we want to be liked ourselves, so most of the time we are kind to others. The acknowledgment that if other people are unkind it says much more about them than me -and those people are not worth bothering about. All that means that I can be confident that generally people are going to be interested in talking or listening to me and vice versa.

Confidence in what you’re saying comes from reading and learning. Or it should anyway. Discussions should be based on evidence, especially in work, and decisions made on that. I’m learning about rhetoric at the moment - the art of getting your point across, and have come to realise that many people get where they are because they can weave a convincing tale through it’s use - regardless of the truth, or fairness, or evidence. Realising most of us are probably far smarter than our current prime minister Is one of the fall outs from that 😂

I love this - "The acknowlegement that if other people are unkind it says much more about them than me - and those people are not worth bothering about."

The being kind is interesting too. A big thing at the moment is "self-compassion," and learning to be kind to yourself. Sounds simple - but is such a core idea that is missing in many without confidence. A concept I'm going to look into more for some groups I lead.

Its very hard to disentangle when those people are your parents

(or teachers or other key people in your formative years.) Similarly when the unkind person is your partner - we can see from the boards on here how hard it is to disentangle.

I am confident in myself and what I do, I don't care what people think about me and don't follow things that other people join in with unless I geuininely believe or like the thing, but I have zero confidence in expressing myself to other people and the thought of public speaking terrifies me.

How do you know, reasonably well, that your thoughts or ideas have value?

Why wouldn't they? They have value just in being a thought or idea.

I was extremely shy as a young child, so I can see both sides

As an adult, I'm confident, strong willed
I love myself
I do the things that I enjoy in employment, hobbies, family, friends

I am so glad that I didn't stay that quiet, shy child !

I know i take the time to educate myself on subject matters, so feel confident in the opinions i form around them.
For interviews etc, the evidence of my previous successes show me that i am competent and my opinion is valuable to others.

I realized early on. The only thing stopping me, was ME !

Tried things, not so hard after all
Don't like something, try something else

I've developed a " thick skin"

@Thingsthatgo

I love your mum! She sounds fab!

I am confident because I'm middle class and white (so class and race privilege) and I am also very intelligent, old and senior enough that people listen to what I say at work. It is great.