To ask how you 'prod' uninvolved DH in the right direction?

[HiddenTheRemote]

Name-changed for this one...

So in our 20s, DH and I were both fairly disorganised, lazy, untidy, enjoyed going out, hated housework, got up really late at the weekend, ate takeout and microwave meals a lot, watched lots of TV...We just about managed to get by without throttling each other as we were both working long hours in demanding jobs and, let's face, how much is there to do at home with 2 adults?

Fast forward now. Early 30s. 1 toddler DC. I accepted early on that some aspects of our lives would have to change. For example, we'd have to at least do the minimum to keep DC alive and happy, tidy the house now and then, put the occasional meal in front of DC, not leave unsupervised on weekend mornings. Painful but necessary. Problem is that DH hasn't quite come to the same realisation. He's still disorganised, lazy, untidy, enjoys going out, hates housework, has long lies at weekends, eats takeouts and microwave meals. And leaves his stuff around the house for me to clean up. For example, if he makes sausages, he'll leave the packet on the side and the pan in the sink, presumably for me to deal with. Pre-DC, I would just have left the pan in the sink until there were no more pans for him to use, but (even with my low standards) I don't think it's fair for DC to grow up in that environment.

I know what you're thinking...WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS? YOU NEED TO KICK THE B@#?# INTO TOUCH? There is some truth in that. However, I've tried nagging and confrontation, and sometimes we argue and sometimes I get a vague commitment to try harder in the future which is never followed through. Can't be bothered any more...I want to be a happy person. Should say, he has many good points - we have fun together, laugh together, dote on DC, he's generous and good-natured.

So AIBU to ask for any devious tips you might have to 'prod' DH in the right direction? Has anything worked for you? I thought about putting the dirty pan and empty packet on his side of the bed to 'remind' him to deal with them, but I have to sleep there too! Or, instead of taking DC downstairs at the weekend to play, encouraging 'Jump on Daddy' games until he gets out of bed. Or asking him to look after DC while I pop to the bathroom, then legging it out of the house and turning off my phone for a few hours. But these seems a bit obvious...Just wondering if anyone can suggest anything a bit subtler?

Wrong! I don't want to do housework. I don't want to cook, I bloody hate it, I do it because I have the responsibility of bringing up children.

You wouldn’t have had children if you didn’t want to do those things.

The problem is you expect him to move in the same direction as you and for the same reasons. But he doesn't have to because he has you doing it all for him.

Tell him you cant cope with being a parent to an adult, and too much work. Ask him to start pulling his weight. See how he responds over the next 6 months.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I’d put all of his clutter and stuff in a bin bag for him to sort out (he will very quickly want to retrieve his laptop from the same bag the frying pan with fat from sausages is in) and pay for a cleaner to do the vacuuming and general deep cleaning - if you don’t have joint finances, then the cleaner’s money comes from his account.

You need to tell him straight, it's the only way. He either steps up to the plate or he's out. It won't get better, he will cruise as long as he can. he is a Father now, tis is it, this is the life he chose.

Who does his washing and cooking, does he do anything? Stop doing anything for him, just deal with yourself and DS.

Leaving out the ‘have an adult conversation’ advise here are some not really recommend options...well apart from no1

1. Hire a housekeeper
2. Show him some articles about neglect and social services getting involved
3. Next time dc picks up a bug say it’s cos he came into contact with something filthy he left lying around
4. Embarrassing him in front of family/friends...shaming him into it.
5. And the classic ...have an almighty meltdown and then leave him and dc for a weekend.

You wouldn’t have had children if you didn’t want to do those things.

No one particularly wants to do those things. By your logic, If the OPs dp didn't want to do those things he would have had a child, but he did so..........

*Wouldn't have had a child

OP I’d look at something like The Organised Mum Method, get the printouts, and sit down and say ‘right, now shall we split this? I do Mon/Wed/Fri one week and you do Tues/Thurs, and the week after we switch. Here’s what needs doing each day’. Have a list you both follow, no arguments.

If you're not an author you should be one. You're funny and write vividly!

This 100%

If you have the resources a weekly cleaner will help. All the “big jobs” are dealt with.

For smaller day to day things have a serious chat with him. Explain how much this is bothering you and he must be mindful. It doesn’t bother him so he’s not going to change his ways unless he’s actively recalling to.

Get your own weekend lie in too! If he gets Saturday you get Sunday or vice versa and stick to it.

Even hiring a cleaner won’t solve it all, most are not there to pick up dirty clothes, put things in the bin and wash up.

most are not there to pick up dirty clothes, put things in the bin and wash up.

A lot of cleaners are very flexible. I am one and I really don’t care what you want me to do while I’m there as long as I get my rate. I strip beds, load laundry, Peg out, iron, empty bins, gather up rubbish and bin it. Any of my homes with children in them involve lifting laundry and rubbish every visit. Most involve stripping beds and washing them. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Only thing I won’t do is oven cleaning.

You need to realise that soon you will feel like his mum, not his partner, and you actually have 2 children to pick up after. Once this realisation hits, that's when the "ick" kicks in, and that never goes away.

Have you talked about the messages he is sending you by not getting his act together, how it makes you feel taken for granted and that your child's welfare doesn't matter to him. It sounds like he does care about you but is lacking a bit of understanding about the effect his inaction has on you these days. If he knows how you feel but then continues not to doxanything, then he's telling you that he doesn't really care about your feelings and the inevitable outcome from that is that you will eventually get too fed up and leave. Maybe that all needs spelling out?

You wouldn’t have had children if you didn’t want to do those things.
Don't be bloody daft. That's like saying "you wouldn't eat crisps if you wanted to be slim".

OP, subtle isn't going to work. He's a lazy slob because he'd rather you did everything and he knows he'll get away with it. It will eventually erode all your respect and love for him and you'll end up kicking him out after being maid to him for the next 10 years. Insist he tidies up when you tidy up. Insist he gets up with you in the mornings. Make it clear you want a life partner, not an overgrown teenager to double your workload.

You shouldn’t have had a child with someone who is disorganised, lazy, untidy, hates housework, gets up really late etc.

Just because you have changed doesn’t mean he will. You’ve shot yourself in the foot here! May well end up picking up the slack forever.

Don't be bloody daft. That's like saying "you wouldn't eat crisps if you wanted to be slim".

not even close to the same.

Thanks, all...I like the 'hire a housekeeper' idea! If we could outsource all the daily grind to someone else, that would make me very happy. I'll tell DH to start looking for a second job to pay for it .

He's not a total waste of space. He's very involved with DC...does his share of bath and bedtime, takes him for walks at weekends, happy to chase him round and round the garden for hours pretending to be a bear when I really couldn't be bothered. He'll also help when specifically asked, so with bed-changing, taking out bins. So there is some merit in keeping him alive, even if it is a finely balanced occasion...He doesn't expect me to do his cooking or laundry, though he sometimes munches our cold congealed leftovers from the pan when DC and I have gone to bed. We're both quite busy with work and his view is that it's more important to have down time than a clean house...I agree to a point, but not when we have living organisms in our fridge.

It's a shame really that DC is so little and child labour is illegal - he actually enjoys hoovering, sweeping the floor and wiping surfaces. And 'tidy time' is one of his favourite times of the day...Perverse!

I hate the "you knew what he was like when you married him" bullshit. OP has said in the op that they were both like that until they had a DC.

Men have a responsibility to their children too, we must expect men to change, because life has changed.

Your utility companies don't let you off when you move into your first place because you've never paid bills before.

Don't blame women for it either - always the same old BS, we have enough on our plates.

@Smallsteps88

It will eternally baffle me why women get with slobby lazy men and then are surprised when those men are still slobby lazy men after babies are born.

And then attempt to inveigle them into being half decent fathers and partners.

Write everything that needs doing on a weekly basis and split it in half. Each taking total responsibility for different things so it's clearer who hasn't pulled their weight.

Make sure his things are the ones that will most impact him if they don't get done - so thinks like cooking or ironing (if he wears shirts) or things that need doing once a week like cleaning the bathroom. Then he can't get away with 'didn't notice it needed doing' because either he will have or it happens on a set day

Your utility companies don't let you off when you move into your first place because you've never paid bills before.

I’m glad you used this analogy. You’re right, they dont let you off! They cut your service. They don’t sulk and resent you but carry on letting you have the electric/gas. And if you’d always been shit at paying your bill they wouldn’t let you upgrade to a better service.

or things that need doing once a week like cleaning the bathroom.

That won’t affect him. He’ll carry on using a dirty bathroom.

Make his jobs things like emptying the bins and washing the dishes. He’ll notice he has no dishes to eat or cook with and that he has rubbish overflowing into the floor.

You’re right, they dont let you off! They cut your service.

I like the analogy! Just wondering about which bits of the 'service' I can cut off. It's not very comprehensive to start off with . I mean, I don't cook for him, don't iron shirts, don't do his washing, don't clean the bathroom he uses (I use the other one)...

Parenting is for mothers and fathers.

Same old misogyny to blame op for the fact that her partner is not fulfilling his parenting role. It is not good enough. Misogyny used by women to feel better an another woman is just an endemic as any other victim blaming.

You think that op should parent him and "cut him off" not "upgrade him to a better service" what does that even mean in this context?

My DH was like this. Took him 7 years of parenthood to change his ways. He’s brilliant now with the kids and the house.
It did take a lot of “I’m not cleaning your shit up, I’ll just do mine and the children’s mess.” Though.