WIBU to not tell my mum about my baby shower?

[BlairStClair]

Im pregnant and due mid September, the baby is mine and DH's first DC.

I am incredibly close with my mum and I am heartbroken to say she has become increasingly unwell over the past few months. She is now booked to have a very serious operation next month that will take her months to recover from. We have worked out that all being well she should be mostly recovered by the time DC is born but of course there is no guarantees.

My MIL has very kindly organised a virtual baby shower for me which my DH informed me of the other night. All the females on his side of the family will attend via Zoom and my MIL is sending some decorations and other party bits to our house that my DH can put up for me. My MIL messaged me to ask who I wanted to invite from my family / friends, I explained unfortunately my mum would be in the hospital when the baby shower happens and I would prefer if she didn't know about it.

My reasons for this are I know for a fact my mum already feels guilty that she is not feeling well enough to support me during my pregnancy, and due to her going into hospital she is currently shielding so she cannot see me. I do not want to add to her stress or guilt and tell her that my MIL is organising my baby shower as I know she will be hurt, even though she doesn't need to be.

I have asked everyone who is taking part not to post anything about it on social media and I have asked my sister not to tell my mum. My sister is being a bit snotty about it saying she doesn't feel comfortable keeping secrets, even though she knows it won't make my poor mum feel good.

I know my mum has been so excited about our DC, as my sister has no children and my brothers children (my nieces and nephews) are naturally closer to their maternal grandparents. My DC will be my mums first maternal grandchild and she has said that meeting the baby when she is recovered is what will get her through her operation and recovery.

I am already stressed, upset about my mum, pregnant and not coping and my sister is making me feel worse. I just want my mum to get through her op and focus on getting better without making her feel guilty for not being there for me. AIBU for wanting my sister to respect my wishes?

Without knowing the details cold your mum join in from hospital? Even if she just listens / watches it could be something for her to look forward to?

While your intentions are good, wouldn’t it be more upsetting for her to find out about it from someone else?

I’d change the date so your mum can be there.

I know you’re trying to be kind to your mum, but imagine how much more devastated she’d be to think she didn’t matter enough to be invited.
Because she will find out, and that is what she’d think.

You need to tell her. She will feel so much worse if she finds out from someone else. And she will find out.

Sorry, yabu unless you know 100% that your mum will never find out. She would feel so excluded.

Can't she take part using a mobile or ipad from hospital? She doesn't have to have her camera on if she'd prefer people not to see her.

Surely your MIL will understand you want your mum to be able to come?

Your mother will be far more hurt and upset if she finds out you kept this from her after the fact, and chances are good she will eventually find out. I really don't see the point in keeping it from her.

Oh my goodness, no. Are you joking? This is a terrible idea! She’ll find out from someone else for sure and that’ll be horrendous for her. Either rearrange for a time when she’s more likely to be free and available or tell her but say how much you really wish she could join in/find a way she can join in.
Excluding her and keeping it secret would be cruel.

She will find out OP either by someone being careless on social media or your sister spilling the details, I would be extremely hurt if your were my daughter.

Under the circumstances you need to give your mum the opportunity to be involved. I actually think your MIL should of included your mum.

You know she’s going to find out about this at some point? Someone’s going to let something slip. I think it’s crueler to keep it from her. Could she not join in if it’s virtual?

Asking someone to join a baby shower post op is a terrible idea and really selfish. It would put your mum in a horrible position.

I've reread and seen your mum will be I hospital for the baby shower - OP what happens if theres complications with your mum, you honestly going to have a virtual party whilst shes recovering.

Your MIL needs to rearrange any person with a semblance of kindness would accept that.

You must invite her and let her make the decision. Your mum will be heartbroken otherwise and someone is bound the spill the beans.

poisson428 just bloody buy it!

I think the way around it would be not to focus on what she's missing with this one, but to reframe it as planning an event for you, your sister and any other close relatives on your maternal side before the big online one.

Your mum is vulnerable but she's not a child who needs to be protected.

How about planning a close, gathering (think afternoon tea if you were together). Tell her that your MIL has organised something bigger for after, but you and her were mindful of the timing and stress on you. She's really welcome to join that, but you would prefer a smaller event just you and her, maybe sister, to celebrate this first grandchild for her. You don't want to share that moment with loads of others. You are conscious of how things might change, if she's not up to it at the time, but you really want to do that.

It's admirable and understandable you want to protect her, and that your sister wants the same but has a different view.

Just reframe it. A big online group won't have the same intimacy, and will be stressful. Trust me, you won't keep it secret, and the lies, whilst for the right intention will hurt her.

I am not trying to be cruel to my mum at all, she is my world and I am devastated that she is having to go through this operation alone because no one will be allowed to visit her in hospital.

I will ask my MIL to change the date of the baby shower, I don't think my mum will want to attend whilst she's in hospital as she isn't going to feel her best and I think it will be quite a lot for her. Its just a nightmare trying to fit it all in before baby comes and when my mum is feeling up to it.

Why is this date set in stone?

I would tell her

Cross posted with you. That sounds like a good decision.

I wouldn't do this. There's too much chance that she'll find out somewhere down the line and be really upset. I'd tell her, but minimise it and tell her that it's just a bit of fun but doesn't really matter to you. Or if you prefer, ask your MIL to change the date to one that you DMum could attend - perhaps before her surgery? It's quite a long way in the future so surely could be rearranged?

Your MIL needs to change the date so that it’s possible your Mum can join in if she’s well enough. So either before she goes into hospital or a bit of time after

Your mum will find out and that will be worse. You need to tell her so she hears from you.

I would just explain to MIL that it clashes with your mum's hospital stuff and rearrange it. I really don't think that they would mind, your mum sounds very unwell and I think anyone would respect that in this situation. They probably wouldn't have chosen that date in the first place if they knew all the details.

Don't hide this from your mum. She will find out somehow and it will be horrible.