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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not tell my mum about my baby shower?

51 replies

BlairStClair · 17/06/2020 13:20

Im pregnant and due mid September, the baby is mine and DH's first DC.

I am incredibly close with my mum and I am heartbroken to say she has become increasingly unwell over the past few months. She is now booked to have a very serious operation next month that will take her months to recover from. We have worked out that all being well she should be mostly recovered by the time DC is born but of course there is no guarantees.

My MIL has very kindly organised a virtual baby shower for me which my DH informed me of the other night. All the females on his side of the family will attend via Zoom and my MIL is sending some decorations and other party bits to our house that my DH can put up for me. My MIL messaged me to ask who I wanted to invite from my family / friends, I explained unfortunately my mum would be in the hospital when the baby shower happens and I would prefer if she didn't know about it.

My reasons for this are I know for a fact my mum already feels guilty that she is not feeling well enough to support me during my pregnancy, and due to her going into hospital she is currently shielding so she cannot see me. I do not want to add to her stress or guilt and tell her that my MIL is organising my baby shower as I know she will be hurt, even though she doesn't need to be.

I have asked everyone who is taking part not to post anything about it on social media and I have asked my sister not to tell my mum. My sister is being a bit snotty about it saying she doesn't feel comfortable keeping secrets, even though she knows it won't make my poor mum feel good.

I know my mum has been so excited about our DC, as my sister has no children and my brothers children (my nieces and nephews) are naturally closer to their maternal grandparents. My DC will be my mums first maternal grandchild and she has said that meeting the baby when she is recovered is what will get her through her operation and recovery.

I am already stressed, upset about my mum, pregnant and not coping and my sister is making me feel worse. I just want my mum to get through her op and focus on getting better without making her feel guilty for not being there for me. AIBU for wanting my sister to respect my wishes?

OP posts:

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 17/06/2020 13:36

Sorry, x post!

WendyHoused · 17/06/2020 13:37

It is far more hurtful to deceive her. And to make your sister complicit in hiding something from your mum is very unreasonable indeed.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2020 13:37

It's likely your mum won't be able to attend, but it's not the end of the world. She will be sad to miss it, but mostly she will be happy for you. Don't make the huge mistake of not telling her about it. Honestly, that is just a terrible idea.

PotteringAlong · 17/06/2020 13:38

Tell your mum.
Apologise to your sister.
And a baby shower isn’t compulsory. In fact, the majority of propel don’t bother. So if it’s causing this much angst then just don’t bother.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 17/06/2020 13:39

I don't think it's fair to put your sister in the middle of this. She's then potentially going to be blamed by your mum for not telling her or blamed by you for betraying the secret.

Tiredmum100 · 17/06/2020 13:41

I'd tell your mum. I wasn't invited to a families friends once at Christmas time, where as my parents and sister were. My dad let slip the next day..I was hurt more about the fact they'd not said anything. I could understand why I'd not been invited (40 miles drive and young children). But the hush hush bothered me. Surly your mum will understand.

bubbleup · 17/06/2020 13:41

I wouldn't have a baby shower if it would hurt my mum and put my sister in the most awkward position. You're being very unreasonable.

Why not just not have one at all?

Original poster

BlairStClair · 17/06/2020 13:44

@bubbleup that's a whole other can of worms with my MIL. We haven't always had the best relationship but we have become closer since I got pregnant and I feel she is genuinely trying to make amends by throwing this shower for me. I am going to ask her to re-arrange it or perhaps hold it only for her side of the family, then I can have my own with my side of the family. But to ask her to cancel it completely I feel will come across as ungrateful and rude and may cause more damage to our relationship which has only just come off rocky grounds.

OP posts:

Toilenstripes · 17/06/2020 13:44

There’s no need to have a baby shower until your mum is well enough to attend. If you are as close as you say, then don’t have it behind her back.

Mia1415 · 17/06/2020 13:45

You absolutely need to tell her.

My dear Mum was sick and disabled for basically my entire life. I always invited her to things even though she wasn't able to attend. She was incredibly hurt when other family members didn't offer her the same courtesy. Its incredibly hurtful.

Euclid · 17/06/2020 13:48

I keep seeing posts from poisson 428 on other threads too asking about buying something and giving a link. I suspect that the link on her posts might lead to some malware so advise people not to click on it.

saraclara · 17/06/2020 13:49

There is NO WAY that she won't find out. Not a hope in hell. And when she does it will be far worse for her than if she knew all along. Your lovely close relationship will be damaged forever. Sorry. You either find a way for her to join in in hospital, or you cancel or postpone.

In MIL's place there's no way I'd hold a shower that the other prospective grandmother couldn't attend. My daughter's MIL has cancer and we weren't even sure she'd be around to see her grandchild born. We didn't hold a shower at all.

Euclid · 17/06/2020 13:50

OP I second the suggestion that you have a separate baby shower with your mother and sister. It would obviously be easier if your MIL changed the date of hers but if you need to tread carefully with her it would be best to let her date stand. Does she know about your mother going to hospital?

averythinline · 17/06/2020 13:52

Do you want to have a baby shower?

They are not compulsory...

surely you could change it to an after baby welcome thing instead? Would seem a lot less stressful ... but I may be biased as didn't have one unless a leaving work lunch counts....

If you want one then you need to own it ... tell your mum that MIL has organised this thing and you'll have some cake with her in mind!!

Flittingabout · 17/06/2020 13:53

The baby isn't due for ages I think, so i would postpone to include your mum. If there is some reason that can't happen you should tell your mum it is happening and find a way to include her. A nurse will help her zoom for 5 mins just to be included. We would do that for you in our ward.

Sorry to hear she is so poorly.

whoknows1230 · 17/06/2020 13:54

Is your mum well enough to attend the baby shower if you bring the date forward so it is held before her operation?

I agree with the others though, don't keep it a secret - someone will let slip at some point, even if it is in several months or years time.

Crunchymum · 17/06/2020 13:56

Change the date sounds best. Also I really don't get the whole "naturally closer to maternal grandparents" and "first maternal grandchild"

This isn't always the case.

Crunchymum · 17/06/2020 13:57

Sorry posted too soon.

Doesn't matter if grandchild is maternal or paternal.

Sceptre86 · 17/06/2020 14:05

Your mum will be more upset when she inevitably finds out which she will. I agree, tell your mum and change the date to a time that 9s more suitable for her. Would it be the end of the world if you didn't have a virtual baby shower? I know it is your first baby but if your mum is very I'll then in the grand scheme of things not having a baby shower will not be the end of the world. I am close to my mum even though I am more of a daddy's girl I wouldn't have a baby shower without her as she would be hurt.

Sceptre86 · 17/06/2020 14:05

*is

GreytExpectations · 17/06/2020 14:17

Op this is really quite cruel to your mother and I'm suprised you haven't realised that. You need to either change the date or tell her the truth. This is an awful way to treat your mothers. It's weird your MIL didn't think to include her initially

saraclara · 17/06/2020 14:18

Oh and you are absolutely wrong to ask your sister to be deceitful. It seems like this might be too late, but the obvious answer to this problem was to ask MIL to keep the shower entirely to her side of the family, then have one for yours later.

I presume from what you've said, that you've already invited your own friends and relatives, but I'm afraid you'll have to re-think this. Whether your mother finds out in a week or in a year, she WILL find out. There's no way that someone's not going to casually say something like "oh, remember back during coronavirus and we had to have that zoom shower?!"

PurpleDaisies · 17/06/2020 14:20

Read the thread. The op has changed her mind and is going to move the date.

saraclara · 17/06/2020 14:21

Actually, how could you even enjoy the shower without her there? And for the foreseeable future you'd just be terrified of her finding out. It's going to be more than stressful.

Just say to MIL that you'd prefer to make it a 'her family' shower, and then tactfully contact the other invitees on your side and explain that you're postponing your own friends and family shower.

LouiseTrees · 17/06/2020 14:24

Could you tell your mum you’ll do another one after the baby is here? I didn’t have one at all but there’s no reason not to do 2.

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