AIBU to be pissed of with my husband?

[namechangedasscared]

My husband and I are both working full time from hone at present. We both work for the same company, and are in similar level jobs in different parts of the business. We have 3 school age children (8, 12 and 14).

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it. The kids are reasonably good at getting on with their work, it's mainly our youngest that needs help.

Today I was on a really important meeting call for work. It was a planning meeting discussing next year's plans and targets etc. My husband was also on some sort of call, but of a considerably less important nature. On the call I suddenly heard a tie-curling scream from my middle son. He was in the room right next to the room where my husband was in. Obviously I immediately threw my headset off and dived through to find out what he'd done. He was lying on the floor screaming and clutching his leg. My husband was glaring at him through the conservatory door but had made no attempt to move.

So I helped our son (got him an ice pack, gave cuddles, checked for injury etc). But as I did do I felt myself getting really, really pissed off with my husband. He didn't even make an attempt to check he was ok. That alone is bad enough. But it was the realisation that he basically considers my career as being less important than his. Despite the fact I'm 12 years younger than him and have much more chance of progressing higher up the business than he does as he's nearing the end of his career. Over the course of the morning I also saw him take at least 2 breaks, but neither of those times did he bother to try to encourage our youngest son to get back to doing some work as he had stopped to go and play whilst he knew I couldn't do anything about it! He didn't even bother offering or getting my youngest a drink or snack (he can't reach and open the drink bottle himself) so our son had to interrupt me to ask for a drink etc.

Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off with my husband over this? I don't think I'm asking for much as I've taken on the majority of this responsibility and accepted that. But would it have killed him to at least shown some concern that maybe our son had seriously hurt himself with the way he screamed?

i can assure you he wouldn't get the kids 50/50. Do you honestly think he could be arsed to look after them?

Christ. Why do you stay when you say your children hate him and are petrified of him.
Let least if you weren’t together 50% of their time would be wonderful and happy. (If he even gets that, which is doubtful) At the moment NONE of their time is like that.

Do you know that level of stress in young children actually causes physical harm later in life, aside from the obvious emotional mental and psychological harm it does.

I mean I know that one shouldn’t blame the abused in these situations but it’s extremely hard to read what you say about your children’s fear and anxiety without being gobsmacked you haven’t left him.

sounds as if the childcare while WFM is the tip of the iceberg; get legal advice about divorce/getting him out of the home - sounds incredible bad for both your MH and that of the children.

I am sure he wouldn’t actually ask for 50/50 if you actually divorced, as others have said it is a power and threat thing. Also I am sure he wouldn’t be given it anyway as he doesn’t do his fair share of parenting and the children don’t like him.

I'm quite upset for you and your DCs, OP. This is so sad to hear.
I hope a divorce lawyer is very busy for you as soon as possible.

Even though everyone is saying he wouldn't follow through with 50/50, I guess it's too high a risk for the op that he might.
So; solicitors offer a free half hour. Speak to one about how much say your children would get given their ages.

The highest risk in all of this is that your children will be angry with you in later years for staying with someone they are scared of. And highly likely will go NC
I’ve seen it many times.

Sounds as though you would all be so much better without him, and if you stay surely it would be detrimental to you and the children. Not sure if you are aware but verbal/psychological abuse is now under the umbrella of domestic violence and about time too

My brother was younger than 8 when the courts took his opinion into consideration when my parents had a custody battle.

You are doing your kids no favours staying, I would leave asap.

Um. I'm sorry but YABVU to stay with this abusive piece of shit. There's no way he'd actually want 50/50 contact, it's an empty threat, and he'd never get it anyway.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support, read Lundy Bancroft and start getting your ducks in a row. For legal advice the Rights of Women website and helpline are a good place to start.

Your dh sounds vile. The fact the kids are scared of him is terrible and so so damaging. Home life should be somewhere safe. I would strongly consider leaving.

Make a plan to leave. Don't tell him you're leaving, give him no notice until you've gone. Get a nest egg if you can he will not want 50/50 custody but if he did he sure wouldn't get it if the kids all hate him.

The kids will be happier with you and won't be walking round on eggshells.

get decent legal advice OP - their ages are such they definitely would be listened to and indeed I think he is abusive to them

I’d make a free half hour appointment with a solicitor through Citizens advice Bureau. Just to see if things could be different for your case.

Gosh OP, I find it awful that when you son was in pain and screaming your husband didn't drop everything and go to him. Everything, I think, understands that these things happen in these times. That to me, just on a human level, is awful.

The second thing is that way he is treating your and your career, clearly he doesn't value you.

If you kids don't like him and are scared of him, he's doing nothing for you and is clearly a bit of an arsehold then why not make plans for you and the kids to leave and be happier? I wish you and the kids well.

It's absolutely appalling that you're stuck in this situation and can see no way out. If you've talked to solicitors, talk to more. Maybe you just haven't found a shit hot one yet. Talk to Women's Aid and see what advice and help they can give you.

I do hope you find a way out of there soon. It shouldn't be possible for one person to stop the sale of a house the other owner wants to get rid of!

Abusive partners always seem to say they’ll go for 50/50. He’d never get it and the kids can all voice their opinion. Why do you stay with him when you all hate him and he’s so shit?

Start seeing solicitors now. Find out if he would really get 50:50.

Your children are already old enough to express their wishes. Plus all the men say they want 50:50. Reality you can barely get them to do EOW.

Please try and leave. This is no way for you or the kids to live. He's a dick. They are miserable. You are abused. Sorry.

Get legal advice, the kids can't be forced to go to him 50/50. He's an abusive cock.

If your child is afraid of him. If he breaks your belongings or the belongings of the kids. If he swears at you or the children regularly this is all verbal abuse and social services would intervene if required as it is poor child management on his part. Shouting all the time at his own children in their home is not acceptable or loving. It is nothing but stressful for those children. Speak to services first then they can help discuss your options. Let him know you will be speaking to them for intervention. He may well tidy up his act temporarily and you may have backlash from him but that house has to feel secure for the children and you. And if his behaviour is frightening and recorded/documented as terrifying by the services this will affect custody.

Your kids are telling you they wish he was dead, that they hate him and that they want to live anywhere else.

Trust me, he won’t get 50/50 If the dc don’t want that.

Protect them and get him out of your lives.

They will support you all the way and love you all the more for it.

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it.

Why did you do this, utter madness, if you believe you are both equal then don't take up the double burden.

Your update is awful, please consider leaving him. I understand that you don’t want to take the risk but I doubt he really wants 50/50 custody. In fact the next time he makes that threat, I would be tempted to make a few mutterings about how nice it will be to have some time to yourself or be able to get out (not in front of the dc obviously). I’m sure he’ll soon change his tune.

If he says he does all the housework make sure you do none and see what happens.