AIBU to be pissed of with my husband?

[namechangedasscared]

My husband and I are both working full time from hone at present. We both work for the same company, and are in similar level jobs in different parts of the business. We have 3 school age children (8, 12 and 14).

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it. The kids are reasonably good at getting on with their work, it's mainly our youngest that needs help.

Today I was on a really important meeting call for work. It was a planning meeting discussing next year's plans and targets etc. My husband was also on some sort of call, but of a considerably less important nature. On the call I suddenly heard a tie-curling scream from my middle son. He was in the room right next to the room where my husband was in. Obviously I immediately threw my headset off and dived through to find out what he'd done. He was lying on the floor screaming and clutching his leg. My husband was glaring at him through the conservatory door but had made no attempt to move.

So I helped our son (got him an ice pack, gave cuddles, checked for injury etc). But as I did do I felt myself getting really, really pissed off with my husband. He didn't even make an attempt to check he was ok. That alone is bad enough. But it was the realisation that he basically considers my career as being less important than his. Despite the fact I'm 12 years younger than him and have much more chance of progressing higher up the business than he does as he's nearing the end of his career. Over the course of the morning I also saw him take at least 2 breaks, but neither of those times did he bother to try to encourage our youngest son to get back to doing some work as he had stopped to go and play whilst he knew I couldn't do anything about it! He didn't even bother offering or getting my youngest a drink or snack (he can't reach and open the drink bottle himself) so our son had to interrupt me to ask for a drink etc.

Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off with my husband over this? I don't think I'm asking for much as I've taken on the majority of this responsibility and accepted that. But would it have killed him to at least shown some concern that maybe our son had seriously hurt himself with the way he screamed?

[qwertyuiop098]

How are you doing @namechangedasscared? Hope you are hanging on in there.

[MzHz]

There IS always a way, please get yourself good advice and work out exactly what situation you are in, get advice on the fact that the kids can say they don't want 50/50 and be heard. At the moment you are supposing a lot, and a lot of your supposition isn't correct. Get the facts so you know where the lines are and then start getting yourself in the situation where you CAN leave him safely and you can protect your kids from him.

[SaladSeason]

OP, there is ALWAYS A WAY. YOu can pay your solicitor out of your share of the equity in the home, rather than upfront. Do at the very least get a free introductory 30 minute session with a family solicitor. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[SunshineCake]

You say why doesn't he want to leave because he is miserable.

Dinner on tap
Sex on tap
Lovely home
Outward impression of loving family man.
Housekeeping all done
A toy to control and abuse

Sorry.

If you want out, seriously, there are enough people on here, sadly, who have been through it all and can help you get out. You only have to say.

[MindyStClaire]

That pension is likely worth an absolute fortune. Make sure it's taken into account if you do leave.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

OP, you would be entitled to full Legal Aid under the Domestic Abuse gateway.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

So you are about 41. Who pays the mortgage? How? Can you get hold of it before the mortgage company does? Is there a bank account you can clean out? Does he have anything you can sell? It depends on whose name it's all in I suppose.

He's clearly a loser. The longer you 'hitch your star to his wagon'? (As judge Judy says) the worse it will be. If you move out and he can't pay the mortgage do you really think he won't sell just to spite you?

Whose debts are they?

But while you are providing him with housework, and sex (if you are) and making his life easy he's got no reason to let you go has he?

And why the hell are you attempting conversations with him? Or expecting them to be anything other than hate filled rants at you, he's trapped because he has no money and if you leave he's even more fucked because he knows he'll have to sell the house and support the kids. And he has no pension.

So he's a MASSIVE liability to you and a huge risk. And he is destroying your children.

At 41 at the start of your career (the good bits) you should be shedding the dead weight ruthlessly. And doing whatever you have to to get that done. The kids will be thrilled. Find whatever bills are in his name and don't pay them. Sell marital property you don't want. Stop doing his cooking and cleaning. Stop talking to him. Start recording him instead.

Just become his worst fucking nightmare. The only words out of your mouth from now on should be 'I want a divorce and to sell this house right now'. He asks about his stupid plate 'I want a divorce' he asks what's for dinner if want to sell this house right now'. Ad Infinitum.

The only other words should be fuck off old man. Fucking loser.

[AnotherEmma]

"You don't get legal aid for divorce so that's not an option."

Actually, you can get legal aid if you are willing to report the domestic abuse, which is exactly what this is. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to be illegal.

Coercive control and the law

Family law legal aid

Ideally you would report to the police but if you're not comfortable doing that, you could still report to Women's Aid and/or GP and this would count as evidence. See link above for more info.

[RandomMess]

All your children will be listened to, CAFCASS will hear from them how awful he is to them and that they are frightened of him.

They will not want much contact if any.

He has done a number on you that you are too afraid to end the relationship.

You can initiate divorce proceedings, you can force the house to be sold.

TBH you could take the DC and move into rented instead of forcing them to endure this misery.

[OliviaPopeRules]

Op very minor point but a DB pension is worth a fortune and it is very rare that you wouldn't get anything based on a minimum of years worked. It was usually be years worked over the total period (35 - 40 years) multiplied by whatever the final salary calc is. Maybe if you work for the same company you know how it works and are sure he is giving you correct Information but if not if you do split up make sure you pursue it as you are definitely entitled to a % of that pension.

[Flyingagainstreason]

Sorry but WHY THE FUCK are you asking small children to shoulder the burden of ADULT decisions about serious and life altering changes in circumstances.

I mean i literally cannot believe what I’m hearing from you it gets worse. I’m hiding this thread, it’s actually too shocking to read.

[namechangedasscared]

@tenlittlecygnets I haven't ever gone to the police because there's never been anything physical. And I often question if I'm being too sensitive/precious about things. If I were to go to the police and say my husband says mean things to me, I'd feel like a waste of their time. Because essentially that's what it is.

The kids and I talk about things and the older two I've explained that this isn't what a relationship should look like - that you should respect one another. I've asked them both once whether they would prefer to be in a home with both of us all the time, or live in 2 homes equally with only one of us there. They both said they wanted to be with me all the time so would rather it stayed as is. I know that's not ideal, but given at the time I asked them they were 5 years younger than now, I didn't want to risk the 50/50 threat.

[Flyingagainstreason]

I’m sorry to say, but none of that makes sense in regards to finance, why would you lose anything? You’re either on a final salary pension or your not surely? Otherwise you would just be on a different type of pension.

Go a see a solicitor now. I mean you don’t have any other option. Well other than to fuck your kids up for life.

[namechangedasscared]

Thank you everyone. It's so hard and I've been trying for years to leave. We have been living hand to mouth for so long there is only debt, not savings - so I can't afford a solicitor. You don't get legal aid for divorce so that's not an option. If I were to embalm our with the kids I'd have to stop paying into the mortgage so we would lose the house. There's about £100k equity, maybe more, in there! Which is why I had wanted to sell so we could both start afresh. I would love to stay in our home and him leave - but he made it quite clear that would never happen.

He's clever because he acts nice as pie and loving to everyone else in the world. But nothing he does or says has evidence - it would be my word against his (he's worse to me when the kids are in other rooms playing).

Sadly yes, FOAD is fuck off and die and he has told me to do that at least 4 times in the last couple of weeks. For things like me asking the other day how long his plate was going to stay there in the room he's been working after I noticed it hadn't moved for a few days. I don't understand how he can say he is happy when he's clearly miserable.

I feel that he has severe depression as he changed some time after our second son was born. But he wouldn't/won't listen to me to seek help. Although he did try to blame my unhappiness on him thinking I was depressed...... (which I was but that wasn't the reason).

I have no car of my own. But if work moves to permanent working from home this may suddenly become a game changer for me as that was one of the considerations I had.

The person that said about his pension - we are fucked on that. He hasn't paid anything in because he's on a final salary pension scheme. But you need to be in for a min number of years and at 53 he's just found out that the years may stop counting when you reach 60/65, so he will be short. The scheme also changed many years ago so it wouldn't be the full final salary anyway. I've tried to talk to him multiple times about this as he needs to make sure he is prepared for the future but he does nothing.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Your dc will be irreparably damaged by ring brought up in this toxic environment. Leave him ASAP.

He won't apply for 50-50. Have you ever gone to the police about them? If there any paper trail about his abuse?

I'd contact women's aid for help.

[lanthanum]

There are two issues here:

General division of labour, which sounds as if it's not fair at the moment, so this is something which needs a lot of discussion.

The particular incident. Given that it's normally you who responds to the children, did you do anything to indicate to him that it needed to be different today? I normally deal with interruptions such as people at the door or child needing something, but if I'm going to be in a meeting, I make sure my husband knows that he is first port-of-call for that period of time.

Having said that, in the case of a cry of pain, I think we'd both drop what we were doing initially, just in case. If your husband could see him through the door, and knew he'd not moved to injure himself (was it cramp or something?), perhaps he didn't believe it was really that bad and thought he was just playing up.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Leave before you earn more money than him.

[BashStreetKid]

I don't think you need to wait any longer for your children's views to be taken into account. They're all old enough for their views to carry quite a bit of weight.

[Candyfloss99]

If he says he does all the housework make sure you do none and see what happens.

[LuaDipa]

Your update is awful, please consider leaving him. I understand that you don’t want to take the risk but I doubt he really wants 50/50 custody. In fact the next time he makes that threat, I would be tempted to make a few mutterings about how nice it will be to have some time to yourself or be able to get out (not in front of the dc obviously). I’m sure he’ll soon change his tune.

[morriseysquif]

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it.

Why did you do this, utter madness, if you believe you are both equal then don't take up the double burden.

[MzHz]

Your kids are telling you they wish he was dead, that they hate him and that they want to live anywhere else.

Trust me, he won’t get 50/50 If the dc don’t want that.

Protect them and get him out of your lives.

They will support you all the way and love you all the more for it.

[bevm72yellow]

If your child is afraid of him. If he breaks your belongings or the belongings of the kids. If he swears at you or the children regularly this is all verbal abuse and social services would intervene if required as it is poor child management on his part. Shouting all the time at his own children in their home is not acceptable or loving. It is nothing but stressful for those children. Speak to services first then they can help discuss your options. Let him know you will be speaking to them for intervention. He may well tidy up his act temporarily and you may have backlash from him but that house has to feel secure for the children and you. And if his behaviour is frightening and recorded/documented as terrifying by the services this will affect custody.

[DisobedientHamster]

Get legal advice, the kids can't be forced to go to him 50/50. He's an abusive cock.

[SunshineCake]

Please try and leave. This is no way for you or the kids to live. He's a dick. They are miserable. You are abused. Sorry.