AIBU to be pissed of with my husband?

[namechangedasscared]

My husband and I are both working full time from hone at present. We both work for the same company, and are in similar level jobs in different parts of the business. We have 3 school age children (8, 12 and 14).

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it. The kids are reasonably good at getting on with their work, it's mainly our youngest that needs help.

Today I was on a really important meeting call for work. It was a planning meeting discussing next year's plans and targets etc. My husband was also on some sort of call, but of a considerably less important nature. On the call I suddenly heard a tie-curling scream from my middle son. He was in the room right next to the room where my husband was in. Obviously I immediately threw my headset off and dived through to find out what he'd done. He was lying on the floor screaming and clutching his leg. My husband was glaring at him through the conservatory door but had made no attempt to move.

So I helped our son (got him an ice pack, gave cuddles, checked for injury etc). But as I did do I felt myself getting really, really pissed off with my husband. He didn't even make an attempt to check he was ok. That alone is bad enough. But it was the realisation that he basically considers my career as being less important than his. Despite the fact I'm 12 years younger than him and have much more chance of progressing higher up the business than he does as he's nearing the end of his career. Over the course of the morning I also saw him take at least 2 breaks, but neither of those times did he bother to try to encourage our youngest son to get back to doing some work as he had stopped to go and play whilst he knew I couldn't do anything about it! He didn't even bother offering or getting my youngest a drink or snack (he can't reach and open the drink bottle himself) so our son had to interrupt me to ask for a drink etc.

Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off with my husband over this? I don't think I'm asking for much as I've taken on the majority of this responsibility and accepted that. But would it have killed him to at least shown some concern that maybe our son had seriously hurt himself with the way he screamed?

[Bluesheep8]

he's terrified of his dad. He avoids him at all costs

Your kids will thank you for leaving him op.

[MatildaTheCat]

Get legal advise. Your children are too old to be forced to go anywhere- they need to know they have some say in this. They’ve all told you they hate him and unless you do take steps to remove him from their lives they could end up resenting you, even though that’s unfair.

Plan and sort your life out. You can get out of this marriage even if it all seems impossible now.

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

I’m not defending him but you’ve kind of brought this on yourself. We’re on week 13/14(?) of lockdown and you’ve done everything with the kids. No way I’d have stood for that.
Me and my DH are both WFH and we’ve allotted time where each of us is responsible for the kids. This can be changed on a day to day basis but it’s split 50/50.
I’ve just read your update though. Given his previous behaviour I’m not ire why you expect different from him. You should leave.

[AriadnesFilament]

Having read the update you’re being unreasonable to expect things like care for your career, or concern for your children from this man when you know damned well what he’s like.

Put your expectations in the toilet and then he will never disappoint you until you can get away from him.

[OldEvilOwl]

he told me when I asked for a divorce that he was going to push for 50/50 custody of the kids.....

This is bullshit. He can't be bothered with them now, he's not going to change. My ex tried this one. I think he's managed to see them twice this year so far. Start making plans to leave - you and the kids will be much happier

[BurtsBeesKnees]

he told me when I asked for a divorce that he was going to push for 50/50 custody of the kids.....

Haha they all do that, and it's utter bollocks.

My ex said the same thing. I told him I thought it was a great idea as I'd then get some life back, could meet friends, progress in my career, rejoin the gym etc. He didn't last a week, he now has them eow

Emotionally abusive people usually pull this stunt to try and keep you inline

[SaladSeason]

OMG OP, you definitely must leave. DC's views will be a major factor in where they live but obviously you will have to go to court for this, so be prepared for the cost of that. But really it's a few £000 vs the rest of your life and your DCs' childhoods that's at stake here. You can't stay that's for sure. Make sure you get 2/3 of the value of the marital home (as you will have the kids) plus at least half of his pension!

[nowayhose]

I'm also struggling with why you are putting up with his behaviour to be honest. If you don't stop letting him abdicate his responsibilities, nothing will change.

You know him, so you are the best judge of what will work................, but, to be honest, do you really deserve to be told to FOAD by the person who is supposed to love and support you ? for ANY reason ? .

I don't even know you, and I KNOW you don't deserve this, simply by reading the effort and love you give your family..........................

I'd definitely tell him to fuck off out the house, fuck off down the road, then fuck off out of town, and fuck off some more !!!!...................but that's me, not you.

Basically you and your kids deserve better, MUCH bloody better, but only you are in a position to make sure you all get what you deserve.

[Megatron]

OP, seriously, as a PP said your kids will thank you if you get them the hell away from him. He can push for 50/50 all he likes, if they all say they're scared of him there's literally no chance he'll get it. You could potentially have years and years ahead of this and by that time the older two could be gone and never want to come back even to see you because their dad is still there.

[Leeds2]

You really don't have to put up with this.

I very much doubt that your DH would actually want to have the DC 50:50. He seems to do nothing with, or for, them now and that isn't going to change. He is saying this to try and make you stay.

Your DC will also have a say in any access arrangements, particularly the older two. Get legal advice, or go to Citizen's Advice for a free chat, about this.

[SueEllenMishke]

Dh and I are both WFH too. We have a conversation every morning where we discuss what times we have meetings and which parent will be be the urgent child responder at any point in the day based on who's has the most formal meeting at that time (ie public/client meeting comes over staff meeting, a meeting with the CEO comes before a meeting with your staff/contractor etc). It's basic common sense and respect. His job level is senior to mine and he earns more money. This doesn't come into consideration of who does the childcare. We both need to keep our jobs, remain professional and look after the kids

This is exactly how it works in our house too. Big, important meetings are booked in with each other - DH took annual leave last week as I had a really,really important meeting.
Due the nature of DHs jobs he is in far more meetings than me so lots of the childcare is falling to me during the day but DH makes up for it at evenings and weekends ( and has taken to buying me flowers as a thank you for doing more)

OP - your Dh sounds selfish and nasty.

[Microwaveoven]

Could you afford to rent? Any family that would take you whilst you look for somewhere else? A friend you could stay with? Anywhere has to be better then home. I have never been in this situation as an adult (as a child I was) so I understand its not so easy to just live somewhere else. But you have to get out of there. Fuck him.

[qwertyuiop098]

No advice but just so sorry for what you’re going through OP - sounds terrible.

[ZooKeeper19]

Please leave. Your kids will thank you. The level of stress and emotional upheaval you are putting them through will have a very negative impact on their future.

What you have at home is emotional abuse and growing up in such environment is super detrimental.

As for the 50/50 custody. It can be hard, however you are their primary carer. You do most of the work. He would fight you and possibly win, but in few months he would stop the visitations. It would be too much work for him. Plus the kids are now old enough to see what is going on. I believe social services will ask them in an age-appropriate way. They can voice their own opinion.

Please find support and leave. You will do yourself and your children a massive favour and give them something for their future - courage and a voice. That cannot be underestimated.

[SeasonFinale]

Seriously the 50?50 is a threat as he knows it upsets you. If he is so disinterested now he really wont go for 50?50 when it comes down to it.

In true mumsnet advice LTB

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

What is FOAD ?

[lazylinguist]

he told me when I asked for a divorce that he was going to push for 50/50 custody of the kids..

Yeah right . He can't even be bothered to break off a phone call when one of them is injured. There is no way on earth he'd go for 50% custody. It's just a way of making you stay (and act as his childminder and housekeeper ).

[AriadnesFilament]

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

What is FOAD ?

“Fuck off and die.”

For a guess.

[HeidiHoNeighbour]

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Fuck Off And Die

He’s a charmer OP

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

Oh bloody hell!
Can only echo what other posters have said about getting out.
What a wanker.

[picklemewalnuts]

I reckon they are old enough to refuse to go 5050. Bear in mind you can't be accused of parental alienation while he's still there and able to interact with them.


Sooner rather than later!

[LakieLady]

or whether I was overreacting because he normally acts like an arsehole

If he normally acts like an arsehole, I'd say you were underreacting if anything.

I'd find a work-related reason to go out during next important call and leave him in charge.

[LakieLady]

Shit, OP, now I've read your long, later post about just how awful he is with the kids, I wish I could retract my post.

He sounds utterly vile, and I think you should get the proverbial shit-hot lawyer and LTB.

He sounds really abusive. What a cunt.

[InspectorCludo]

All 3 of my kids have said at some point in their lives (and multiple times) that they wished their dad was dead, or that he lived in a different house and things like that

This truly is heartbreaking. You are keeping them in an abusive situation OP. I know that’s hard to hear and I’m not meaning to be unkind. It’s just such a shocking thing to admit.

I know you have limited choices and limited resources. But if my children said this to me I’d be doing absolutely everything in my power to get them away from that person.

[LakieLady]

I reckon they are old enough to refuse to go 5050

I think so too.

I had to refer a family to children's services a few years ago because the father was borderline emotionally abusive to a 13 year old on cintact weekends. The social worker made sure the child knew she could refuse to go if she didn't want to, and said that they would back the child if the father tried to get the existing contact arrangements enforced.

She was a very bright girl, but a little immature for her age compared to other children I have known, so if she was thought to be able to make her own decisions, I'd think rhat your 14 year old would be considered competent, and possibly your 12 year old as well.

If I was still doing frontline work, and knew that a child was afraid of one of their parents, I'd be having a chat with my manager about whether it was a safeguarding matter that should be with children's services.