Moving to a new city after a divorce

[aberdeen83]

I am interested to know how divorced couples, with children, manage the post divorce house moves. Do you both downsize to separate new houses in the same location, or do you move to a new location to find a cheaper house, giving you the same size of house, which you had when you were married? How far would you travel to find a new house, from your previous address? How would your situation change if you had children at school?

My situation is that my ex moved to a new location 120 miles away, so that she could buy a similar size house, with more land, so that her horses could be in the land next to her house. I work in the pharmaceutical industry, which is primarily based in the M25 and M4 area of south England. I am now living 120 miles away from my place of work, which impacts my time with my children.

I am eager to hear what other divorced parents have done and what is reasonable in this situation.

My ex moved to the nearest big city which I found quite annoying because a) he is banned from driving so all contact visits with the kids are down to me and b) I'm stuck here and would rather be in big city too but cant afford to move!

Not quite the same as we were never married, but I was living in Ex DPs house with DD when our relationship broke down.

I owned a flat at the time which I had rented out, so when he told us to leave I had no choice but to move in with my parents 30 miles away (takes about 40mins)

As soon as I could I sold my flat and ended up buying a lovely house just round the corner from my parents house.

It is a cheaper area and there's no way I could have afforded what I have now if I'd decided to stay where I was.

Luckily DD was only 2 at the time so schooling wasn't an issue, however had she have been I would not have hesitated to move her.

I've been through the family court system for contact, and whilst the ex tried to push for me to do half the travelling it was never ordered (I suspect due to circumstances of the split - although even with a follow up variation being made several years on it was still not changed)

I have heard though that if a parent post split decides to move a fair distance away then they should do the travelling.

Every situation is different, and I can see why your ex moved so far away to get what she has now. Doesn't make it right though.

How does contact with the children work, is it you doing all the travelling?

Knucklehead101 -That sounds unfair

I have to do all the driving, because my ex thinks that she does the same driving as me. as she does the driving for our children's swimming lessons and after school classes. She seems to ignore my long drive to work and the time impact.

ChangeOfName2020 - Yes, I do all of the driving for drop offs and picks ups for access days with our children. My ex lives right next door to our children's current school, which is in the outskirts of the city, in the countryside. I live in the city centre, to make my commute to work less of a impact on time.

I don't agree that in all cases whoever moved should drive. It really does depend on the reasons for it all. My ex chose to leave for OW, chose to move to EOW contact. I then chose to move a significant distance away to be financially secure as a lone parent and to access family support. I do 99% of everything, so I don't think its that much to ask that he does the travelling (he has a base near where I am so the kids don't have to travel much on his weekends). Having said that, I would not have moved away if he had not already gone to only seeing them 4 days a month. If he'd been fairly sharing the parenting, I'd have endeavoured to stay put, even though it would be difficult.

HugeAckmansWife - My ex chose to leave to buy a house specific for her horses and effectively buy her dream home. We had talked about making this move before we decided to split, but I had reservations due to the long commute and having to stay away from my children for a few nights every week. I expressed my concerns during mediation as well before my ex made the move, with no success.

I see my children 2 nights every week, but I would like to see them more, if it wasn't due to my work issue.

All I have asked for from my ex, is to share the driving 50-50 for pick ups and drop offs, but she refuses.

I can see both sides.

Like me, your ex decided to move some distance away but carries most of the burden raising the children.
Part of my argument was why should I give up more of what little spare time I have child free to facilitate travel arrangements? When I do most, if not all of the day to day role of being a parent and the responsibilities associated with that.
In my situation though ex DP was abusive and I saw it as him still trying to control what I did.

But for you, you already see your children two nights a week which is great - more than my (or lots of other children) see their father.

We have an EOW and parts of the school holiday arrangement.

I don't think there's much you can do if she flat out refuses tbh.

Either compromise by having them more during the holidays if that works, or is moving yourself completely out of the question?

Should have said, whilst it's great you're seeing them regularly twice a week I understand your desire to see them more.

But I don't think there's much you can do if your ex refuses to share travel and the other suggestions aren't an option

There's no single answer. I have chosen for exh to return to the house so my young adult kids don't have to move before finishing university. I couldn't afford the bills myself he earns more. I have a new dp now so am moving in with him

ChangeOfName2020 - You stated "is moving yourself completely out of the question?" I think you may be confused. I have already moved to be near my children, at the expense of a long commute to work. I have put my children first, but it is my time which is limited by travel etc. I would love to see my children more and not have to take days off work for things like sports days, Xmas show, parents evening, which most parents take for granted.

Negotiate with work for more home working? Perhaps look at getting property near kids and rent a room where you work?

Sorry I misread. You didnt mention that you had moved too. Well either you look for another job or negotiate with work to work from home etc. Could u reduce work hours if your living in a cheaper place?

I'd also look at renting room near work

Not a case of being confused, it just wasn't clear in your opening post that you had moved too, to be closer to your children.

I think it's admirable you've done that but obviously the arrangement as it is currently isn't working.

I agree with what Waveysnail says, either negotiate with work for a more flexible working arrangement, look for a new job or rent somewhere closer to work.

For what it's worth, I work full time too. I live 5mins away from my daughters school but still have to take leave to see plays, sports days' etc as I'm sure a lot of parents do. I may not work 120miles away but depending on how my diary is set there have been occasions where I've needed a full days' leave to enable me to be there.

I do live closer to my children. I also rent near my place of work, but that still involves a long 3 hr journey for the 120 miles drive, each way, at the beginning and end of the week. I have asked my work for more home working, but not all companies are flexible. I work in the pharmaceutical industry, where there are very few jobs outside of the south of England. I live 120 miles away from the south of England. I studied a degree in the sciences, specifically to work in the pharmaceutical industry which I really enjoy, so a job change would mean a big change to a job field which I am not trained in, or even enjoy, as well as a big cut in salary.

I have been making most of the sacrifices, whilst my ex lives in her dream house and works part time, which she enjoys doing. She has no aspirations for a full time job, or career.

At what point should I stop making the sacrifices and expect my ex to make some equally difficult sacrifices?

Why did you divorce? Might put a different spin on the answer.

Surely it would make sense to try to get a job a lot nearer where you live now?

You have your kids 2 nights out of 7. I'm assuming your ex does all the day to day parenting and mental load therefore. In an average week, how much uniform do you wash, find, mend? How many emails, letters, requests for money, costumes, special food from school do you deal with? How many evenings do you deal with an over tired kid having a tantrum about their food / friend / homework / irrelevant nonsense? You say your ex works part time but she has the kids more than double than you do. So no, I think you suck up the driving, use the time to listen to audio books or whatever or make changes to your own circumstances.

Just to clarify, what driving do you want your Ex to help with? I think you have been very reasonable.

A court would look on this sympathetically and likely to get your ex to share driving unless she has health issues. You could mediation and then look to get a contact order that specifies drop and collection points that involve share of driving.

There are other issues regarding my ex having an alcohol problem, which she hides from her family. She lies about being raped on her way home from the pub and told me that she was abused as a child, which was a lie. She also covers for her brothers health problems, as he threatened to tell her parents that she was a bad mother. She has admitted that if her parents discovered these things, they would be disappointed and disapproving.

I just want her to be reasonable and fair and not expect everything to go her way, at my expense.

God I would love to see the replies to this if you weren’t a man, OP. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree pp. The responses are unfair. Yes the pharmaceutical industry is largely SE, M25, Reading etc. What do you want the man to do? No, he shouldn't need to change his job! I don't agree with that ridiculous suggestion.

So when you divorced your Ex moved 120 miles away from what was the marital home and you then followed her. That then meant it was too far to travel to work daily so you also rent close to work and stay there Mon - Fri. How far away from the DC is your home (120 miles from work) and when you say you have the DC 2 nights a week do you mean at the weekend when you are located close to them or during the week when you would have a really long drive to pick them up and drop them off?

Your update has absolutely nothing to do with your original question other than, if she's that appalling why are you leaving your kids with her? And to the pp who said the replies would be different, do bore off. The op hasn't answered the qs of why they split or how much actual parenting he does. There should be a fair division. If ex is doing 95% of the parenting, why she should also do 50% of the driving?