Moving to a new city after a divorce

[aberdeen83]

I am interested to know how divorced couples, with children, manage the post divorce house moves. Do you both downsize to separate new houses in the same location, or do you move to a new location to find a cheaper house, giving you the same size of house, which you had when you were married? How far would you travel to find a new house, from your previous address? How would your situation change if you had children at school?

My situation is that my ex moved to a new location 120 miles away, so that she could buy a similar size house, with more land, so that her horses could be in the land next to her house. I work in the pharmaceutical industry, which is primarily based in the M25 and M4 area of south England. I am now living 120 miles away from my place of work, which impacts my time with my children.

I am eager to hear what other divorced parents have done and what is reasonable in this situation.

@HugeAckmansWife

And being a single parent with 5/7 nights sole responsibility is a breeze because she's got her dream house? I said it wasn't easy, I even said it might not be possible but you can look. You keep saying how great she's got it but until you do a stint as a full on single parent you have no idea.

I am a single parent. I do appreciate it what it takes to look after children. I have made sacrifices, which I have not detailed here. I think you are not fully aware of the situation and are applying a female perspective to the situation.

@LaurieFairyCake

No I'm not suggesting the mediator wasn't impartial

What I'm saying is that if you hadn't moved you could have got more of the school holiday time with them - which would have been more relaxing for you as you'd only have to drive there and back

Yes, your ex would have to be the one to go to hospital if there's an accident but plenty of people live 2 hours or more commute away

Are you saying what you want now is to go to court and try to get your ex to do more of the driving - I've no idea if that's enforceable but you should definitely ask a solicitor what your chances are

If you work full time, you have limited holidays during the year. I would end up spending less time with my children based on your suggestion.

I have researched it and most single parents live within an hour of their children.

I am already consulting a lawyer about my access rights.

No I am applying a lone parent who does the vast bulk of care perspective. Gender is entirely irrelevant, but even if I was using the 'feminine perspective' that wouldn't automatically make it wrong. But you haven't listened to anything anyone has said in 3 pages.. Maybe because it's likely women posting and you seem to assume their perspective doesn't count?

@HugeAckmansWife

No I am applying a lone parent who does the vast bulk of care perspective. Gender is entirely irrelevant, but even if I was using the 'feminine perspective' that wouldn't automatically make it wrong. But you haven't listened to anything anyone has said in 3 pages.. Maybe because it's likely women posting and you seem to assume their perspective doesn't count?

I have been listening and have responded. I do know what is involved in looking after a child. I have been a parent for a long time. My ex is not a lone parent. I perform many of the duties as well.

I asked you ages ago about your share of the duties and you've been very non specific. Do you take time off for child sickness or inset days? What have you been doing with regard to homeschooling lately? You keep saying you do stuff but 2 overnights out of 5 is pretty minimal. As I asked upthread.. Do you have to wash, mend or find uniform, do you do dentists and hair appointments, the school admin stuff? Doing that, even when 'only' working pt is a hell of a lot when it's ALL on you. It doesn't sound like your job is compromised in any way by childcare but hers is. That's a pretty big sacrifice.. Are you going to top up her pension or make up for her loss of earnings? If she wanted to go ft would you contribute to childcare so she could afford to? You keep sayi. You do stuff and if I knew the details I'd agree with you, but you're not telling me details of what you do, just bitching about your wife.

A good arrangement is for the receiving parent to collect the child.

@HugeAckmansWife

I asked you ages ago about your share of the duties and you've been very non specific. Do you take time off for child sickness or inset days? What have you been doing with regard to homeschooling lately? You keep saying you do stuff but 2 overnights out of 5 is pretty minimal. As I asked upthread.. Do you have to wash, mend or find uniform, do you do dentists and hair appointments, the school admin stuff? Doing that, even when 'only' working pt is a hell of a lot when it's ALL on you. It doesn't sound like your job is compromised in any way by childcare but hers is. That's a pretty big sacrifice.. Are you going to top up her pension or make up for her loss of earnings? If she wanted to go ft would you contribute to childcare so she could afford to? You keep sayi. You do stuff and if I knew the details I'd agree with you, but you're not telling me details of what you do, just bitching about your wife.

I do take time off when my children are sick or for teachers days. I help with homeschooling. I keep telling you that ideally I would like to have my children more than 2 days. It is not because I don't want to, it is down to limitations forced upon me by others. I do wash and mend their uniforms and other clothes. I do the school admin stuff and always email and phone the school. I buy them clothes and essentials. I would do dentist and other appointments if it were not due to the limitations imposed upon me. As I keep saying it is not ALL on my ex, as you keep saying. My ex is not compromised by childcare as her parents live with her and help with childcare. You only ask about the financial constraints of my ex, what about my financial constraints? My ex also has two horses, which she feels that she has time to devote to, in addition to our children. That is an expensive hobby, which is not compulsory. No one forces her to look after and pay for horses.

I still don't fully understand the set up you've got going on, but this is how I'm imagining it:

You've got a place in a city centre - let's use Birmingham as an example. Your ex's house, where she lives with your children is on the outskirts of the city in the countryside.

You work is 120 miles away, say London, and you rent a property there also to be closer to work.

What's the split of your time between the two properties? Do you travel down to London on a Sunday evening/Monday morning and stay there until Friday before travelling back? Or do you make multiple trips between the two throughout the week to see your children?If it's the latter then I'm not surprised you're exhausted, and maybe it would help to restructure your week to make it more manageable.

What travelling are you wanting your ex to do? Drop the kids off to your city centre pad in Birmingham when you're back, or do half of that journey and meet somewhere in the middle? Either way if she's doing most of the day to day stuff as other posters have said then I think you're being highly unreasonable to expect her to do any of the pick ups/drop offs.

My ex has said exactly the same as some of the things you've said later in this thread, and I don't think you're coming across in a particularly good light even though you are looking to increase contact with your children.

You didn't respond to my question around why you got divorced which may help us understand why your ex is reluctant to cooperate more with travel arrangements.

Would you be able to provide a bit more background?

What driving do you currently do with the children?
Where is pick up and drop off etc?

That would help clear up some of the noise.

The irony of looking for advice from a 99% female forum but he does not want us putting a female perspective on it nor want to answer the valid questions required for any kind of perspective.

Well that's quite the drip feed. Had you said some of that earlier instead of bit ching about her going to the pub we might have got a bit further. Ultimately, you would have a fight to force her to travel and would be unlikely to succeed. So you either make changes yourself, whether that's fair or not, or don't and accept the situation. My 10 year old knows that life isn't fair. Lots of things aren't as they 'should' be and you can be as right as you like but it doesn't make the slightest difference to what actually happens. 200 people on here could say you're right and she's wrong and it won't matter or make a difference so what are you going to do?

@HugeAckmansWife

Well that's quite the drip feed. Had you said some of that earlier instead of bit ching about her going to the pub we might have got a bit further. Ultimately, you would have a fight to force her to travel and would be unlikely to succeed. So you either make changes yourself, whether that's fair or not, or don't and accept the situation. My 10 year old knows that life isn't fair. Lots of things aren't as they 'should' be and you can be as right as you like but it doesn't make the slightest difference to what actually happens. 200 people on here could say you're right and she's wrong and it won't matter or make a difference so what are you going to do?

My children know that life is not fair as well, but I also encourage them to do what they can do make life fair and to stand up for their rights.