Moving to a new city after a divorce

[aberdeen83]

I am interested to know how divorced couples, with children, manage the post divorce house moves. Do you both downsize to separate new houses in the same location, or do you move to a new location to find a cheaper house, giving you the same size of house, which you had when you were married? How far would you travel to find a new house, from your previous address? How would your situation change if you had children at school?

My situation is that my ex moved to a new location 120 miles away, so that she could buy a similar size house, with more land, so that her horses could be in the land next to her house. I work in the pharmaceutical industry, which is primarily based in the M25 and M4 area of south England. I am now living 120 miles away from my place of work, which impacts my time with my children.

I am eager to hear what other divorced parents have done and what is reasonable in this situation.

OP as you agreed to let her move there is now nothing you can do.

You need to wait and see if her alcohol problem gets noticeably worse before you can try to get things changed.

Also if she has an alcohol problem why do you want her driving with your children in the vehicle?

I followed my ex to her new home, so that I would be near my children, so that I could see them as much as possible, The 120 miles journey both ways, in addition to catching up with weekly chores when I get home and picking up and dropping off my children, is exhausting. I don't have the luxury to do my chores in the week day evening when my children would be in bed, as I'm away from home, at the rented accommodation. I have to cram everything into to the time when I'm at my home near my ex. I would love to spend more time with them helping with their homework, make their pack lunches etc, which most divorced fathers would have the opportunity to do.

I was living in my ex’s house in the Midlands where there was no work in my sector, ex was out 6am to 7pm working in London and I was utterly isolated.
I moved 85 miles back south with ds ( where ds was born) so I could work/support myself/ have family contact.
Ex drives down to see ds at the weekend. But ex was never a hands-on dad, not interested in school stuff and has him one weekend in 7 by choice. Chose not to see ds for 9 weeks during lockdown. I do everything and work full time.

Ex now works from home full time and wants me to meet him halfway for the one weekend in 7 as he’s “getting tired of driving”. I’ve declined the opportunity.

@aberdeen83 sorry for the questions. Are you driving the 120 mile journey to work once a week and 120 miles home again once a week? How far from the office is your M-F rental? How close are the DC to your home i.e how far are you driving and how often to pick up/drop off the DC? How much do you do for the DC outside if the time you are with them. It's hard to know if your ex is being unreasonable refusing to share the driving without the answer to these things.

Many mums are exhausted keeping all the plates of family life spinning and many father's have no idea what's involved in life beyond work until they are on their own. I know that's not the case for everyone but it is a common theme.

If you are exhausted driving one 120 mile return journey a week, a few miles to work and back each day from rental to work and a few miles over the weekend to pick up and drop off your DC plus do the cleaning but work fairly reasonable hours YABU but if you do the 120 mile round trip a few times a week so you can see the DC during the week, still have a commute of more than a few miles from rental to office, work really long hours including needing to work over the weekend and manage life stuff for the DC whilst they are with their mum YANBU.

Sorry, I know I sound unsympathetic. It does sound like a tough situation but if you agreed to the move there's no point complaining now. Chores at your home can't be too onerous, if you're not there to make mess, it's only your clothes to wash etc. I'm a bit confused about the logistics. You've rented a place near the kids so surely the drive to and from there is short? The focus should be on minimising the kids' travel so if you see the kids at your rented place x nights a week, it's just your commute that becomes an issue and it may be that you do have to look at other options, flexible working or something. But your ex, regardless of her faults IS doing the vast bulk of parenting which is far more exhausting and relentless than driving a lot.

HugeAckmansWife - I did not agree to the move originally. I objected at mediation, but the female mediator told me that I wouldn't be able yo stop my ex moving, even if I went to court. A house does not miraculously clean itself and still gets dusty, grass and weeds still grow, carpets need vacuuming. I already stated that flexible working is an issue
I would love to work more days at home, but work does not just instantly agree to your requests. Believe me, I've tried. I am a parent and know exactly what is involved in parenting duties. Both mothers and fathers have similar issues to deal with and it is not possible to say that my ex is doing the bulk of it, without knowing the agreed set up between my ex and me. My ex agreed at mediation to drive and meet halfway for drop offs and pick ups, if I had decided to live full time down south. I didn't want to put my children through that long journey.

Being practical, your ex has moved now, they are settled and you have to find a way to make it work.

You could hire a cleaner for your main house, two hours on a Friday would sort the dusting, hoovering etc. Leaving you the weekend drive home to a clean house and the lawn to cut. That would work.

Could you commute by train, book your regular seat, much less tiring than driving.

OP as you agreed to let her move there is now nothing you can do

That isnt true. You could go to court for a Specific Issues order to ask for assistance with driving due to the impact on you. If the driving impacts your ability to see the children then courts will be sympathetic.

If she has an alcohol problem are you ok for her to look after and drive your children around?

OK, I'm still really confused about who is travelling where and when but you said I think that you have the 2/7 nights. I don't really need any more info than that to know she is doing the vast bulk of parenting. The pp above who suggested cleaners etc makes a v good point. You seem to be resistant to all suggestions other than your ex doing what you want her to do. She's not going to, unless you succeed in a court order which is not going to improve your coparenting. So you have to find work arounds if you want something to change.

I notice that a lot of advice on here is focused on what I should be doing and does not make any suggestions as to what my ex could do as well. In any type of relationship, when it comes to parenting, there is give and take.

Why should I be the one to hire a cleaner for my main house? Why not suggest that my ex hires a cleaner to ease her alleged parenting stress? If I were to commute by train, it would be more tiring, as I would need to travel to the station, commute by train and then travel from the end station to my work. This would be 3 journeys and would be longer.

Can anyone suggest equally (yes, life is give and take and requires compromises on both sides) helpful ideas that my ex should take to adapt her situation? I don't think it helpful to suggest that I should be making all the changes.

My ex normally drank alcohol in the evening just after the children went to bed. I suspect many will say that a drink after a stressful day is not a problem. It is a problem when you drink at least a bottle of wine, a number of nights a week and sometimes drink two bottles in one night. This causes problems when you are at home responsible on your own and looking after children.

The problem is at the moment you are coming across as a someone who is unused to sharing the burden and it's all about how your life has changed and how exhausting it is for you. If you don't want to answer questions which might lead to some suggestions of how the situation can change for the better that's your choice but it's difficult to be able to offer any helpful suggestions without it. At the end of the day i'm not aware of any laws in the UK which stop an ex relocating regardless of the impact on the children. If your ex is refusing to do any access pick up/drop off's i'm not sure there's anything you can legally do to make her. You have done a great thing in moving closer to the DC but your responsibility doesn't end there. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but useful suggestions come with more information. At the moment I will assume you are defensive because actually doing a 120 mile round trip once a week plus a few miles daily to/from rental to work and for pickup and drop off of DC is not what I would consider to be a huge deal. When my DC were little I worked 3 days a week with a SE commute to London. Got 2 DC plus self ready for nursery, left home at 7am, drove to drop off at nursery at 7.30am, drove to station, train and tube to London. Left work at 4.50pm, ran to the tube station, tube, train, car and nursery pick up by 6.30pm, drove home. Bath and bed for DC, cooked dinner for DH and I at 7.30pm. Meanwhile DH got himself up and to work and back. DH worked hard granted and commuted but no one can tell me that he was anywhere near as exhausted as I was.

OK, here's a suggestion. You have the kids 5/7. Arrange and pay for childcare, go part time and get the cms amount of maintenance from their mum. How does that sound? Then you move back to live permanently near work and she has to travel.. Only 50% though because you'll be doing the other half yes?

I think that you think that because I have not gone in to excruciating detail about my day and how early I get up and what I do for my children, that I necessarily do less than my ex. It is not possible to judge the situation without the full facts. How about I tell you about calming my children down when their mum told them 5 mins before they went to bed, that she was leaving to go to the pub to meet her brother, rather than wait 30 mins until they were alseep. Having to comfort my crying children for nearly an hour as they didn't understand why their mummy had left the house. Then having to deal with my ex when she came home from the pub after closing time, as she deliberately woke me and told me off if I got annoyed with her for waking me, even though I had work early the next morning, or depending on the day, having to take my children to school. Those were the easier nights, as some nights involved my ex being sick on the bed from being drunk, or sleeping in late to lunchtime the next day with a hangover, when she had agreed to look after the children, whilst I helped her father with DIY on our house. Having to lie to her father, that her daughter was ill, instead of hungover again. I do my fair share of chores and parental duties and continue to do so. I know when to be fair and reasonable and not force people to do things which are unfair.

@HugeAckmansWife

OK, here's a suggestion. You have the kids 5/7. Arrange and pay for childcare, go part time and get the cms amount of maintenance from their mum. How does that sound? Then you move back to live permanently near work and she has to travel.. Only 50% though because you'll be doing the other half yes?

That is great suggestion! I like that idea.

I love my kids and don't see spending time looking after them as a chore. I see it as a pleasure. When I decided that I wanted children, I saw no negatives, only positives. I would love to have them more days!

The reason people aren't making suggestions for your ex is she isn't the one asking and it's unlikely anyone can make her do anything

If you hadn't moved there you might have been able to negotiate having them more in the holidays to make up for not being able to see them during the week in term time

Is now not a really good time to be asking to work more from home - surely you've been doing that more because of Covid?

You sound like my ex, except that he has never wanted them more than eow and half holidays. So do it.... Go and ask for 50/50 minimum, or suggest you do become the RP.. If shes such a shit parent, you probably should, for their sake.

@LaurieFairyCake

The reason people aren't making suggestions for your ex is she isn't the one asking and it's unlikely anyone can make her do anything

If you hadn't moved there you might have been able to negotiate having them more in the holidays to make up for not being able to see them during the week in term time

Is now not a really good time to be asking to work more from home - surely you've been doing that more because of Covid?

My ex doesn't need to ask for anything. She has everything she wanted and is sitting pretty.

I had no choice to move, as I couldn't block it, based on the impartial advice of the mediator, unless you are telling me they are not impartial. If I had n moved, I would be further from my children. My children are my number one priority. What if they had an accident, I can't be 120 miles away from them. It would also mean less possible days with them due to the distance.

I keep saying that not all companies are willing to be flexible with home working in the long term. I can't force my work to do something they don't want to, especially if they have HR policies in place.

In terms of the moment and Covid-19, it has meant that my ex has no after school activities to drive to for my children and has not had any for 3 months. There was no suggestion by my ex to share the driving during that time, which would seem reasonable.

@HugeAckmansWife

You sound like my ex, except that he has never wanted them more than eow and half holidays. So do it.... Go and ask for 50/50 minimum, or suggest you do become the RP.. If shes such a shit parent, you probably should, for their sake.

I sound like your ex, even though I want to see my children more, as opposed to less? I'm not sure about the logic with that one. I do think that my ex is a shit parent, probably the same way you feel about your ex.

Bit you can look for alternative employment. I'm no saying it's easy or even possible, but have you looked? If the children really are the most important thing then something else has to give. You cannot force your ex to do anything ejse and I very much doubt she sees her situation as 'sitting pretty'.

@HugeAckmansWife

Bit you can look for alternative employment. I'm no saying it's easy or even possible, but have you looked? If the children really are the most important thing then something else has to give. You cannot force your ex to do anything ejse and I very much doubt she sees her situation as 'sitting pretty'.

I have stated previously, that my industry is down in the south of England. I have tried looking for a job closer to home, but it is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Working closer to home is the ideal, but it is not possible. If something else has to give, tell me why it always has to be the man who makes the change. Is it not possible that the woman should make the change?

My ex has previously stated what her dream house is and she now has that. That seems pretty comfortable and happy, or at least happier than what she had before.

And being a single parent with 5/7 nights sole responsibility is a breeze because she's got her dream house? I said it wasn't easy, I even said it might not be possible but you can look. You keep saying how great she's got it but until you do a stint as a full on single parent you have no idea.

No I'm not suggesting the mediator wasn't impartial

What I'm saying is that if you hadn't moved you could have got more of the school holiday time with them - which would have been more relaxing for you as you'd only have to drive there and back

Yes, your ex would have to be the one to go to hospital if there's an accident but plenty of people live 2 hours or more commute away

Are you saying what you want now is to go to court and try to get your ex to do more of the driving - I've no idea if that's enforceable but you should definitely ask a solicitor what your chances are