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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find it suspicious?

73 replies

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 11:06

I need some clarity as I am not sure if my suspicious feelings are because of events as of late which I'll get to..

3 years ago, DP went to a lunch with his family as his grandmother who he never really sees was visiting. He has a bit of a love-hate relationship with his family so usually texts me throughout. At one point he said his parents/DGM had gone and him and his DS(sister) were going for a walk. He went out of contact for a short time. After, he said DSis had been upset.
A few days later when I saw him (we didn't live together at the time) he said how his DSis had told him a secret but that she made him swear not to tell me and he was keeping that. I found it annoying he even mentioned it. It was approx. 6 months before his sister's wedding.

Just under a year ago, DP and I were away for the weekend and he has since fallen out with his DSis. I brought up the secret and he finally told me. She had cheated on her partner (now husband and father of her child) with a man at work, his wife found out and had called her and she was unsure what to do.

I wasn't shocked but never really thought about it again. We saw his DS this weekend and she was talking about a friend of hers and how that friend had cheated on her now-husband many years ago, when they were back at University. She made an unnecessary comment: "she can't have liked him that much to cheat on him"

Now that made my stomach go. To not drip feed, about a month ago I caught DP out in a big lie/deceit web about something online (not porn) and we are currently dealing with the trust that has been broken.

So I suppose I am wondering if someone who has cheated would make such a statement? DP says she was overcompensating.
But I am now wondering if there's more to the story as it's playing on my mind.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2020 11:08

Its not really anything to do with you whether she cheated or not but it sounds like you have trust issues with your dp anyway. Focus on those issues not his sister

Beatingthisthing · 17/06/2020 11:12

I have no idea what you're suspicious about to be honest.

bluebell34567 · 17/06/2020 11:13

i think your dp is acting shifty. i wouldnt trust him.

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 11:19

People are hypocrites. I know a number of peoplee who were cheating on spouses (didn't know I knew) and would make bold claims how cheaters were vile, scum of the earth, they could never do something like that. So I don't think by her saying that it means it didn't happen - because cheaters will lie, they are already comfortable doing it.

I am not sure what is going on in your personal life with DH obviously, but her saying that does not mean she didn't cheat and it was him instead. I am not sure why he would have come home and told you about a 'big secret' if it was him confessing an affair to his sister?

SunbathingDragon · 17/06/2020 11:22

I don’t think your SIL is of any relevance here. If you have concerns with your DH then that is what you need to work on.

GinDrinker00 · 17/06/2020 11:28

Not sure what your SILs secret has to do with anything. You sound really insecure and need to work on it OP.

dogcatbaby · 17/06/2020 11:31

Like previous poster I know of a couple of people who outwardly claim cheating is disgusting etc but have cheated themselves in the past.

SIL is just presenting herself as the person she wants you to believe she is. Was her husband there at the time? Either way no one is going to sit there and say cheating is ok and often those who speak the loudest have more to hide.

It's possible SIL believes what she said doesn't apply to her because her situation is totally different (still cheating though).

You should concentrate on your DH as there's clearly a lot of trust you need to rebuild if you immediately think he's lying about SIL.

Lightsabre · 17/06/2020 11:35

Are you trying to say that it was the other way round ie; your dh confided in your sister that he was the unfaithful one?

Pjsallday · 17/06/2020 11:41

Yeh not really following?

Original poster

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 11:44

Sorry this all made sense in my head.

I found it odd that she would say about the cheating thing in front of her brother who would know she has cheated...

I am wondering whether it was either all very elaborate of a lie as an excuse why he went out of contact for so long (for example, he may not have been with his sister - but I do know the family meeting did happen as I was invited but at work) or whether it was the other way round.

He has had 2 years to come up with the lie to be fair. However, her cheating isn't something out of character. He said she was worried about work and then got a call from the wife of the man she cheated with (he doesn't know if it was a kiss or more or just one night) whilst they were talking.

OP posts:

JustC · 17/06/2020 11:48

Apart from her being a hypocrite (and thus you should ignore the crap that comes out if her mouth on this subject), not sure I follow what the connection with your issue in your marriage is. Not being disingenuous, really don't get if we are missing smth here. And sorry you and husband are going through a rough patch, hope he gets his priorities straight and you manage to work it out.

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 11:49

It sounds like your SIL cheated. End of.

In other news, you have problems with your husband. Keep them separate.

Original poster

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 11:52

To summarise:
Is it normal for someone to act like cheating is the worst thing in the world even though they've cheated, and say such a statement in front of someone who knows the truth?

This is why I ask, normally I'd have just gone along with it. But DP has basically lied and whilst not cheating, it does leave a lot of doubts about the past. It has brought into question anything that didn't add up before and is making me question it. Hence why I wonder whether my gut is telling me something or if I am just paranoid due to what has happened lately.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 17/06/2020 11:56

Could it have been him that's cheated and either he needed the time away to sort it out, or it was him confessing to his Sister, do you think?

Many people do a reversal on this sort of thing and perhaps she was getting a dig in?

Has it been online flirting? They could be separate instances, but it would make me suspicious.

Ponoka7 · 17/06/2020 11:57

X post. Go with your gut. But posters always disagree on here and a few weeks later the OP posts an update and her gut was right.

I had the same feelings about an ex and now know that they were true.

Baileyscheesecake · 17/06/2020 12:02

For those saying what does his sister’s actions have to do with anything OP thinks He May have been the one doing the cheating and made up that it was his sister.

JustC · 17/06/2020 12:04

Either she is a hypocrite and her situation has nothing to do with yours. Or he actually reversed the roles when he was saying his sister confessed to cheating ( which I am assuming is where your thought is going) . Hard to tell unless you have a chat with the sister. Apart from the chat with her, dont know what to advise. Keep an eye on it, I guess.

AvoidingRealHumans · 17/06/2020 12:05

Yes it would be normal to be so publicly against cheating whilst having cheated because it deflects the guilt off of themselves.
Doing it in front of your husband is irrelevant really as she trusted him with her secret.

When you say he went out of contact, surely if he was with his family / sister he would be occupied and not strapped to his phone whilst talking etc so I don't see that as dodgy.

I agree that you need to separate the 2 issues, siblings confide in each other. His dishonesty is what you need to focus on.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2020 12:10

Op are you thinking your partner has cheated on you? Is that what this is about?

Original poster

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 12:12

@AvoidingRealHumans

Yes it would be normal to be so publicly against cheating whilst having cheated because it deflects the guilt off of themselves. Doing it in front of your husband is irrelevant really as she trusted him with her secret.

When you say he went out of contact, surely if he was with his family / sister he would be occupied and not strapped to his phone whilst talking etc so I don't see that as dodgy.

I agree that you need to separate the 2 issues, siblings confide in each other. His dishonesty is what you need to focus on.

Yes, the 'out of contact' was very short, but it was just because he went from constantly messaging through the family event then suddenly quiet. It is perfectly explained by focusing on what his sister had said.

Of course, he could have not said a thing, if he is the one who cheated, he didn't need to tell me there was a secret. I would have never known.

He has a very believable story regarding the sister but I just feel all over the place with my thoughts now.

I cannot ask his sister as I shouldn't know. I also would be shocked if he confided in himself cheating in his sister.

OP posts:

Original poster

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 12:13

@Bluntness100

Op are you thinking your partner has cheated on you? Is that what this is about?

I genuinely don't know.

I just thought it was very odd for someone who has cheated to publicly be against cheating on your current partner (and still be together).

If that is absolutely abnormal behaviour then it means there's a lie. If it is normal then I suppose I am just feeling weird.

I was just very taken aback (noticeably) when she said "she can't have liked him much since she cheated"

OP posts:

nomorefencepostsplease · 17/06/2020 12:21

I was just very taken aback (noticeably) when she said "she can't have liked him much since she cheated"

But what did you expect her to say?

"Oh, that's nothing to be concerned about, I am a cheat too"

"When I cheated it was because I didn't like my DP very much so this person must be the same"

k1233 · 17/06/2020 12:22

Thou doth protest too much - I believe the behaviour of your SIL falls in that category. Guilty people make a show of protesting their innocence. Not to say those strongly against cheating (myself included) are cheats. Just that cheats can pretend they're not and can be very vocal about it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 17/06/2020 12:25

she's pretending she's holier than thou - cos she doesn't know that YOU know of her 'secret'.....i'd have just turned round and replied "Yea....i know someone who did exactly that and then told their brother to keep it a secret...."
Then watch her reaction........

Original poster

katiehall1 · 17/06/2020 12:27

@monkeymonkey2010

Haha this did make me laugh!

I could never be so brazen.

OP posts:

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