AIBU to find it suspicious?

[katiehall1]

I need some clarity as I am not sure if my suspicious feelings are because of events as of late which I'll get to..

3 years ago, DP went to a lunch with his family as his grandmother who he never really sees was visiting. He has a bit of a love-hate relationship with his family so usually texts me throughout. At one point he said his parents/DGM had gone and him and his DS(sister) were going for a walk. He went out of contact for a short time. After, he said DSis had been upset.
A few days later when I saw him (we didn't live together at the time) he said how his DSis had told him a secret but that she made him swear not to tell me and he was keeping that. I found it annoying he even mentioned it. It was approx. 6 months before his sister's wedding.

Just under a year ago, DP and I were away for the weekend and he has since fallen out with his DSis. I brought up the secret and he finally told me. She had cheated on her partner (now husband and father of her child) with a man at work, his wife found out and had called her and she was unsure what to do.

I wasn't shocked but never really thought about it again. We saw his DS this weekend and she was talking about a friend of hers and how that friend had cheated on her now-husband many years ago, when they were back at University. She made an unnecessary comment: "she can't have liked him that much to cheat on him"

Now that made my stomach go. To not drip feed, about a month ago I caught DP out in a big lie/deceit web about something online (not porn) and we are currently dealing with the trust that has been broken.

So I suppose I am wondering if someone who has cheated would make such a statement? DP says she was overcompensating.
But I am now wondering if there's more to the story as it's playing on my mind.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

I think you only have to look at certain MPs to see that some people will say one thing and do another. Some mps have been very big on family values to later be outed as having affairs throughout. They seem very comfortable publicly defending the thing they are doing in private.

[backseatcookers]

Good luck, I hope you can find a way to reassess if this relationship is actually making you happy. It doesn't seem to be and it doesn't have to be like that.

[katiehall1]

@backseatcookers oh no I can agree with that, I just mean I accept that people are not normally of the same thought process but I suppose this is my judgement of people's morals.

I know I'm not controlling as much as it may come across that way. DP staying in contact is just a different style of relationship, we were newly not living together, he was in a family situation which is tense and he messaged me a lot. He is very similar to me. I guess I get defensive about that because I feel like I have never been controlling or like this and I am obviously acting very abnormal now because of what's happened.

[backseatcookers]

Ok @katiehall1. You seem unable to take on board any thoughts on the situation other than your own. It's impossible to be in a healthy relationship with that attitude unfortunately and you're learning that the hard way instead of being willing to concede that you're contributing to your anxiety massively and could change that if you were prepared to. Good luck.

[katiehall1]

@backseatcookers
By not doing what I'd expect - that I mean people cheating but then talking about it!

[SunshineCake]

I think you are wasting time and brain cells on your SIL and should focus on your own relationship. People do and say shit. Nothing you can do about it.

[ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother]

[backseatcookers]

It's just how I've always been and perhaps that's what's causing this to be an issue.

Don't you want to do something about that? All of us have flaws and difficulties but if you want to be happy and healthy it's up to you to work on them and try to grow.

I'm bipolar but I've worked hard in counselling to develop coping mechanisms and have persisted with medication for years so I finally found the right mix. I'm 33 and now in a healthy long term relationship that is calm and easy, for the first time.

I suppose I find some human behaviour weird if it isn't what I'd expect.

I think it's really important to challenge your thinking on this. Another way of saying that is "I find some human behaviour unacceptable to me if the other person hasn't behaved how I wanted them to."

That is controlling and unrealistic and if you are so suspicious of someone that you think they are behaving in a way you can not cope with them it's up to you to take control of the only person you have the authority to control - you - and decide whether to work on your own feelings, work with them on it or walk away.

[billy1966]

You doubt his trustworthiness.

Go with your gut.

I am married a long time and my husband and I are very close.

However, and despite this, I wouldn't dream of breaking the confidence of anyone whom had asked me to keep something they had told me, private.

Ever.

I am super suspicious of people who break confidences.

[Giganticshark]

Is your husband having an affair with his sister?

[katiehall1]

To be honest, I've also thought about if the opposite is true, if DP was the one to cheat. It would be wildly insensitive of her to say the statement she made with DP there and me potentially knowing 3 years later of an infidelity.

I suppose I am overthinking!!

[ErickBroch]

I agree with @backseatcookers. You clearly believe what you've written so I am not sure why you asked for opinions as you don't really want to hear anything else.

I am not saying it's unfounded as we don't know that this secret issue is between you and your DH is. I think your insecurity with him has 100% increased your paranoia as, despite you disagreeing, some of what you have described is quite controlling.

I am sure you will come back and disagree, or dripfeed and say he has cheated before which is why you are paranoid, but without all that info I do think you are really obsessing over little things that are most likely, nothing.

I used to be in a controlling and abusive relationship where he would monitor where I was and what I was doing 24/7. If I hadn't replied in what he considered a 'normal' time frame then I was accused of all sorts. I am not saying this is you, but something to be aware of.

[katiehall1]

@backseatcookers I do get what you mean. It's just how I've always been and perhaps that's what's causing this to be an issue.

I suppose I find some human behaviour weird if it isn't what I'd expect.

[backseatcookers]

Ok. Well you seem pretty sure you're in the right and handling it healthily so I guess there's not much anyone can say really.

My point was, based only on this thread as I don't know you obviously, that I think the way you approach things with the level of intensity and defensiveness you do probably contributes to your anxiety.

And that your expectations re communication are already very very high, so that coupled with your partner having form for lying is a recipe for stress and tension.

Sometimes it's good to ask yourself - do you want to be happy or do you want to be 'right'?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and you should want to be happy.

🤷🏻‍♀️

[katiehall1]

@backseatcookers this is actually unfortunately my personality and explains why I am good at the job I do it takes 5 seconds to go back to a date using the search function and I remember the dates of everything. I do it with everyone not just DP

[backseatcookers]

luckily all my WhatsApp messages are saved so I have checked back to 2017 to see what happened. My story was for background, not to explain why we were texting.

Oh my goodness OP, you've proven my point there a bit!

I said it sounded intense and a control issue and you've gone back to messages from 2017 to find that day's exchanges... if that isn't intense and displaying an unhealthy focus on staying in control I'm not sure what is!

This is so far from normal behaviour that I'm not sure what else to say really as you don't seem willing to take on board that the dynamic might be unhealthy / suffocating.

[GreenGill]

Are you usually worried about him being out of contact whilst with family? It wouldn't occur to me to worry about him messaging me more than once to let me know he was ok. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

Maybe she was talking from experience when she said she can’t of liked him that much fi she cheated. Maybe because she cheated that’s why she said that. I think you are being overly suspicious but I can see why you are because your partner has given you reason not to trust him.

To be blunt if you have no kids/aren’t married and you can’t trust him, leave him and find someone who doesn’t make you do these mental gymnastics.

[katiehall1]

@Anniissa thanks, it's good to hear other sides. I just can't think why someone would do that!

[katiehall1]

@backseatcookers luckily all my WhatsApp messages are saved so I have checked back to 2017 to see what happened. My story was for background, not to explain why we were texting.

He messages a lot
Then he says mum and nan are leaving
Then I ask what he's going to do now
No response
Long pause
They went for a walk - him and Sister are having a drink now
No response
Message about his sister and him chatting. (He never mentioned the secret by text)

[Anniissa]

I really think you’re reading too much into this. It is perfectly normal for people who have cheated to openly condemn other people cheating or give justifications for cheating. For some, it’s about trying to justify why they cheated or to distinguish it from their cheating (they did it because of this but I had a good reason fit what I did) and some are just hypocrites. While some people might feel awkward and never want to bring it up again, plenty would not think about it and be quite happy to pass judgement on others.

[backseatcookers]

You said this:

He went out of contact was ONLY relevant because he had been messaging so much, then went silent, so I asked what's up since I knew the lunch had ended (because he'd told me)

But according to your original message he told you - lunch finished and he was going for a walk - so there was no need to ask him what was up / why he'd gone quiet. You knew what he was doing:

At one point he said his parents/DGM had gone and him and his DS(sister) were going for a walk. He went out of contact for a short time. After, he said DSis had been upset.

I'm not saying this to nitpick per se, but to point out that you are perhaps minimising the intensity / control / trust issues at play here.

It's not normal to describe someone who has told you they're off for a walk as dropping out of contact.

[katiehall1]

I asked DP about it - he said that a reversal could make sense but there's only one way to prove it and that's speaking to SIL.

He has said that he is going to figure a way to prove the truth by bringing it up to her - I'm not really okay with that as if it is the truth then it could really hurt her and damage my relationship with her as well as his, which is already rocky.

Something doesn't sit right though, I don't know if it is my general mistrust after what happened or if it's my gut telling me.

I'm going to think about it

[katiehall1]

@VenusTiger you're right, I know

[Megatron]

He also made it very clear that if he had cheated he would never tell anyone

Why would anyone even say this to a partner?