AIBU to find it suspicious?

[katiehall1]

I need some clarity as I am not sure if my suspicious feelings are because of events as of late which I'll get to..

3 years ago, DP went to a lunch with his family as his grandmother who he never really sees was visiting. He has a bit of a love-hate relationship with his family so usually texts me throughout. At one point he said his parents/DGM had gone and him and his DS(sister) were going for a walk. He went out of contact for a short time. After, he said DSis had been upset.
A few days later when I saw him (we didn't live together at the time) he said how his DSis had told him a secret but that she made him swear not to tell me and he was keeping that. I found it annoying he even mentioned it. It was approx. 6 months before his sister's wedding.

Just under a year ago, DP and I were away for the weekend and he has since fallen out with his DSis. I brought up the secret and he finally told me. She had cheated on her partner (now husband and father of her child) with a man at work, his wife found out and had called her and she was unsure what to do.

I wasn't shocked but never really thought about it again. We saw his DS this weekend and she was talking about a friend of hers and how that friend had cheated on her now-husband many years ago, when they were back at University. She made an unnecessary comment: "she can't have liked him that much to cheat on him"

Now that made my stomach go. To not drip feed, about a month ago I caught DP out in a big lie/deceit web about something online (not porn) and we are currently dealing with the trust that has been broken.

So I suppose I am wondering if someone who has cheated would make such a statement? DP says she was overcompensating.
But I am now wondering if there's more to the story as it's playing on my mind.

[katiehall1]

I think overall it's perfectly feasible for someone to say - it just wasn't necessary.

She was talking about the girl's husband being the one who bought a property as we were talking about property in general. She then decided to volunteer the info on the girl cheating 12 years ago (they broke up after although he doesn't know of her cheating) and have now got back together, married, pregnant. I think in general, she was saying the guy wasn't really the friend's type and her cheating was in support of that.

But still, very unnecessary info.

SIL does act holier than thou, acts very posh, country bumpkin, has a prestigious job, however I know she used to do MDMA back at the raves at uni and always goes for a cheeky cigarette when we go out.

[Megatron]

I don't understand what your SIL has to do with any of this to be honest.

Your DP tells you that someone has told him something but that it's a 'secret' (is he 10?), he then falls out with that person so seemingly betrays her trust, then you catch him out in a 'big lie'. He's your issue here, it's nothing to do with her.

[Megatron]

I found it odd that she would say about the cheating thing in front of her brother who would know she has cheated...

Maybe she didn't cheat.

[heartsonacake]

Of course it’s normal for someone who cheated to be so publicly against it because they’re trying to deflect from their own behaviour.

You sound very insecure, OP, and you need to sort the trust issues in your relationship.

[katiehall1]

@Megatron

I found it odd that she would say about the cheating thing in front of her brother who would know she has cheated...

Maybe she didn't cheat.

this is my point!

[Mintlegs]

I am not sure whether you are questioning his story due a previous trust issue with him rather than the issue about his relative? It seems overinvested otherwise?

[BoxOfShapes]

I read her statement a bit differently. I don't read it as "holier than thou" at all – simply matter-of-fact. She didn't say "people who cheat are so selfish" or "people who cheat have no morals".

By saying "she can't have liked him that much to cheat on him" she could have been reflecting on her own experience of cheating and using that to form what strikes me as a non-moralistic opinion. I see it as a down-to-earth statement.

But maybe you felt there was more to her tone.

I am sorry about the problems you are having in your marriage

[Megatron]

@katiehall1 I do find it odd that SHE brought up the cheating and spoke about it in a negative way in front of her brother, if she had told him her 'secret' previously. That doesn't add up to me. If I had cheated and someone knew about it, I would probably avoid all conversation like that in front of them, I certainly wouldn't be the one to bring it up. I can see why it has you questioning, particularly if you have caught your DP lying before.

[katiehall1]

[quote Megatron]@katiehall1 I do find it odd that SHE brought up the cheating and spoke about it in a negative way in front of her brother, if she had told him her 'secret' previously. That doesn't add up to me. If I had cheated and someone knew about it, I would probably avoid all conversation like that in front of them, I certainly wouldn't be the one to bring it up. I can see why it has you questioning, particularly if you have caught your DP lying before.[/quote]
Yes, I think this is where my mind is at.

I don't know if it came up and then she felt the need to say something, DP didn't find it weird and just said it's overcompensating.

He also made it very clear that if he had cheated he would never tell anyone which is something I very much believe. For example, no one knows the truth about what I found out recently because he wouldn't share details like that.
I also do doubt he would tell his sister if he had cheated.

My thought process was whether it was reversed.
His story: she got a call from the wife during them having a drink and eventually came clean as she got panicky, but was apparently evasive, never told him the full story. He just knows it involves a married manager at work and a party and cheating.

So I was wondering if he got a call, or maybe saw someone when out and about, so then got panicky and told his sister.

It does make me wonder why he'd bother telling me about it though. After they met he REALLY wanted to tell me, but knew he shouldn't. It was like he had juicy gossip.

[almalm]

You clearly don't trust your DP. His sister and her possibly cheating is a red herring.
You got suspicious because your DP had been contact you during a family event and was then out of contact for a short time. He explained this by saying his sister had told him a secret.
He shouldn't have to explain why he was out of contact for a short time during a family event. Surely he should be chatting to people there instead of contacting you all the time? This is the part of this story which I find bizarre.

In all honesty, I think you don't trust him. You don't trust him when he's at an event and not contacting you all the time and you need an explanation for this (or he volunteers the explanation).
You've mentioned that you caught him out with something online (not porn) and that has broken your trust.
The real root of the problem lies here and not with what your SIL has said about cheating.

[prh47bridge]

I used to know someone who repeatedly expressed the view that there must be something wrong with your marriage/relationship if you are attracted to someone else. In her mind, this justified her own cheating - the fact that she was attracted to something else meant there was something wrong with her current relationship therefore it was ok to cheat.

Your DP's sister's comment that, "she can't have liked him that much to cheat on him" sounds similar to me. She isn't being holier than thou. She isn't condemning cheating. She is providing something that she may see as justification for cheating.

[Anamechanged]

Maybe she didn't like her husband much when she cheated

[FizzyPink]

I’ve found several times people who have something to be guilty about are the first ones to criticise others about it.

I dated a guy who was the most vocal person about being anti-affairs I’d ever known, turned out he’d openly cheated on the majority of ex girlfriends.

[Regularsizedrudy]

I don’t think what she said was odd.. it’s not like she said “I would never and have never cheated”. I also wouldn’t have found it odd if my partner was out of contact and I wouldn’t need to account for this time HOWEVER you clearly feel something is not right. The only way you’re going to find out is if you ask him.

[HoppingPavlova]

You lost me at ‘went out of contact for a short time’ when he went out for a walk as a point of relevance. Otherwise he was constantly on the phone to you during the lunch and family get/together? How fucking rude, and odd. Unless you are an astronaut outside the space station on a mission or what not, and really have a need to be in constant contact with base, I think it’s extremely odd and dysfunctional.

The whole thing about the SIL doesn’t make sense, no idea why that’s getting any thought space. Obviously you have issues with DH so maybe concentrate on those, not some weird sidetrack involving the SIL.

[backseatcookers]

He has a bit of a love-hate relationship with his family so usually texts me throughout. At one point he said his parents/DGM had gone and him and his DS(sister) were going for a walk. He went out of contact for a short time.

He sounds rude to ignore his family and be messaging you throughout.

You both sound codependent if you describe a time he went for a walk and didn't constantly message you as a time he "went out of contact for a short time".

Sounds smothering to be honest.

You obviously don't trust him if you're suspicious of the conversation re cheating so that's the real issue here.

He's got form for lying and you clearly don't trust him. Time to reassess the relationship maybe.

[MashedSpud]

You have no proof his sis cheated, only his word to excuse time away where he couldn’t be contacted that couldn’t be accounted for.
It seems odd she would berate cheaters in front of someone she supposedly confessed to cheating to.

What happened after the wife supposedly contacted his sis? She just left it at that?

[diddl]

But she's defending cheating so maybe she either has or doesn't think of it as a big thing-especially if you don't like that person at the time

How is that holier than though?

Hopefully your partner doesn't have the same morals!

[bluebell34567]

do you think she remembers that lunch?
can you talk to her about it breezily to see it she says something interesting.

[VenusTiger]

Is there a chance OP that SIL regrets her cheating and your DP gave her a kick up the backside on their walk, hence the now being so against cheating? Maybe your DP is against it too and SIL was trying to let her brother know that she has learned her lesson and agrees with him.

[katiehall1]

The whole out-of-contact thing. Let me explain. He was messaging me quite a bit, perhaps every 20 mins or so, with some anecdote of what was happening. It's rude, yes, but also there was a lot of external family stuff going on.
He went out of contact was ONLY relevant because he had been messaging so much, then went silent, so I asked what's up since I knew the lunch had ended (because he'd told me)

I am not too sure, they don't see each other much and wouldn't discuss on the phone.

She left the job - I can't explain why/how because it's outing but it was very relevant to her profession so didn't leave BECAUSE of the alleged cheating.

[VenusTiger]

And does she regret it OP? Is she now allowed to say cheating is wrong on move on with her life as I suggested above your last post?

He stopped texting because lunch had ended - you've just said why he stopped texting. You can't live like this, you either c'est la vie and get on with your life or you leave your DP - you can't carry on living in suspicious despair.

[Megatron]

He also made it very clear that if he had cheated he would never tell anyone

Why would anyone even say this to a partner?

[katiehall1]

@VenusTiger you're right, I know