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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My bf's ex on his social media

67 replies

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 10:16

My bf of five months is still friends with his ex. They were together for a year and split up last year. They are in contact online for chats and messages. She hearts his Facebook photos and posts. She has a photo of them cuddling together when they were a couple plus other photos of them together on her public profile. I had to ask my bf to remove his public post, from over a year ago, that said he was in a relationship with her. He removed the post. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this social media content and contact? My past relationships have given me trust issues as I was always cheated on and lied to. My bf knows this. I have spoken to him to say that his ex putting hearts on his Facebook makes me feel anxious. I want him to tell her to stop putting hearts on his posts but is this unreasonable of me? Trying to work this through - not to control, to not fell anxious about the ex, to not over or under react

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/06/2020 10:33

If he isn't sending hearts back then it isn't an issue. I don't get why you wanted the relationship post removed, he was in a relationship then with her, he isn't now. My facebook probably has all the history of my exes although I'm married now, no need to go back editing the past like it didn't happen though

GalwayGrowl · 17/06/2020 10:43

Why would you want stuff removed from a year ago when they were together??

edwinbear · 17/06/2020 10:47

I put hearts on my friends FB pics, it doesn't mean I want to shag them. He really can't be instructing her what she can/can't do on her SM.

ilovesooty · 17/06/2020 10:48

I think you're overreacting. You've been with him 5 months and asking him to photo shop the past? I'd wonder how long it will take for you to be an ex.

SingingWaffleDoggy · 17/06/2020 10:50

I know it’s hard when you’ve had your trust broken in the past, but you need to put this in perspective. Her reacting to his posts is all her. He’s not doing anything wrong in this situation and if he were to ask her to stop because of you, you are the one that going to come across as a bit of a crazy possessive person. So don’t stoop to it. You’re the one in a happy relationship now, enjoy the present.

Caramel78 · 17/06/2020 10:53

I would absolutely hate it as I also have trust issues and low self esteem. I would probably just try and keep it to myself though if I trusted my partner as I know it wouldn’t really be my place to tell people how to behave on SM and whether they can or can’t be friends. I do sympathise with you though

Somerford · 17/06/2020 10:55

My past relationships have given me trust issues as I was always cheated on and lied to. My bf knows this

Be careful with this way of thinking. Whatever happened in your past is not your boyfriend's fault, it doesn't mean that has to modify his behaviour and it doesn't excuse controlling and possessive behaviour on your part.

Persiaclementine · 17/06/2020 11:13

I dont think your emotionally ready to be in a relationship

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 11:21

I mean, the old pics are whatever but no I would not really be chuffed about her putting hearts on his pics still. Not really sure what you can do about it though tbh. What does he say?

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:22

Thanks for the perspectives. I am ready for a relationship. I want to be not controlled from my past. It's very helpful to get different ideas on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:25

I said that I found it odd that she was putting hearts on his posts - from now. He said yes he agreed.

OP posts:

GinDrinker00 · 17/06/2020 11:26

You don’t sound ready to be in a relationship. It’s a bit weird to put hearts on his post, but demanding he takes a old post down which has nothing to do with you is rather controlling OP.

cyclingmad · 17/06/2020 11:30

This is one of the reasons I stick to not being friends with ex's. It just causes an issue somewhere along the line esp if the other person cannot get o er it and her putting hearts on posts could be that.

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:30

@GinDrinker00

You don’t sound ready to be in a relationship. It’s a bit weird to put hearts on his post, but demanding he takes a old post down which has nothing to do with you is rather controlling OP.

I didn't demand. I was the public post to say that he was in a relationship with her with them both tagged. I asked if he could remove that as it was giving out the wrong statement.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 17/06/2020 11:31

Two options: they were good friends, but 3verythibg was dead hence agreeing to.go both ways. Its absolutely fine and you making a fuss over it will most likely annoy him.

Or, he still cares for her despite being with you, maybe run back to her if she suggested it. Him removing her as a friend on Facebook wouldn't prevent this happening.

So either way, you should not make a big deal of it.

Angelonia · 17/06/2020 11:37

I am Facebook friends with two exes. I personally wouldn't put a heart on their posts, but I would like them, and I'm not sure that's massively different? She might be the kind of person who hearts everyone's posts. I wouldn't delete old photos either.

I think you're being unreasonable OP, sorry.

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:37

@dontdisturbmenow

Two options: they were good friends, but 3verythibg was dead hence agreeing to.go both ways. Its absolutely fine and you making a fuss over it will most likely annoy him.

Or, he still cares for her despite being with you, maybe run back to her if she suggested it. Him removing her as a friend on Facebook wouldn't prevent this happening.

So either way, you should not make a big deal of it.

makes sense. I don't like it though. I wonder if it was the other way round what my bf would think - would he mind my ex putting hearts on my photos and posts. But that's not the situation. I can see it's my trust issues on my mind - trying to manage this in the best way

OP posts:

Cfmcg900 · 17/06/2020 11:37

I didn't demand. I was the public post to say that he was in a relationship with her with them both tagged. I asked if he could remove that as it was giving out the wrong statement.

How could it be giving the wrong statement no one and I mean no one is going through his posts from a year ago.

Yes the hearts are weird and that would annoy me but being told to modify my past I’d be more annoyed about. I’m guessing you’re both quite young? Perhaps easier said than done but if you keep punishing him for things other people did you’re both going to be miserable, you need to stop. He’s entitled to his own life outwith you and yes that may include exs.

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:38

@Angelonia

I think you're being unreasonable OP, sorry.

would you have minded the in a relationship status showing the ex though? This is what I asked to be removed

OP posts:

Angelonia · 17/06/2020 11:40

Yes, I think it was ok for you to ask him to remove that. But not to ask him to tell her to stop reacting to his posts.

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 11:42

Eep I do think you need to calm down a bit - seem a bit obsessed with FB. I have been with my DP for 4 years and we have a house together - his FB still has loads of pics of him and his ex before me... he doesn't really use FB much and I don't really care! I know they aren't communicating so it's not a problem.

Original poster

SconeTea · 17/06/2020 11:43

@Angelonia

Yes, I think it was ok for you to ask him to remove that. But not to ask him to tell her to stop reacting to his posts.

I agree on that. I wondered if I should say something about her reacting - because of how it makes me feel - but I don't want to come over as controlling.

OP posts:

TheEmpressMatilda · 17/06/2020 11:44

no one and I mean no one is going through his posts from a year ago.

No one needs to go through old posts. If you add someone’s name to a “in a relationship with” post then it shows up as your current relationship in your profile, regardless of when the original post was made.

ErickBroch · 17/06/2020 11:47

@TheEmpressMatilda she is talking about the 'highlight' that says it on the feed. Not that shows at the top of the page automatically. Even if you end a relationship on FB, the highlight stays. So she has actively asked him to remove a highlight/lifetime event post from over a year ago. It's a bit much.

LycraLovingLass · 17/06/2020 11:47

Do you mean his current relationship status at the time was that he was in a relationship with his ex?

Or do you mean you scrolled back a year to the time they added their relationship to Facebook and asked him to delete that post?

First scenario I would say was fine you asking. Scenario two you were put of line. No one scrolls back that far and even if they did why does it matter, they were in a relationship then.

As for her putting hearts. You do realise he has no control over how she uses her own social media and by giving him grief about it you are going to cause an issue in your Relationship. It doesnt matter how many hearts she puts, he is with you, presumably everyone knows this? She is only making herself look like she can't let go of the past.

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