My bf's ex on his social media

[SconeTea]

My bf of five months is still friends with his ex. They were together for a year and split up last year. They are in contact online for chats and messages. She hearts his Facebook photos and posts. She has a photo of them cuddling together when they were a couple plus other photos of them together on her public profile. I had to ask my bf to remove his public post, from over a year ago, that said he was in a relationship with her. He removed the post. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this social media content and contact? My past relationships have given me trust issues as I was always cheated on and lied to. My bf knows this. I have spoken to him to say that his ex putting hearts on his Facebook makes me feel anxious. I want him to tell her to stop putting hearts on his posts but is this unreasonable of me? Trying to work this through - not to control, to not fell anxious about the ex, to not over or under react

@Shoxfordian

If he isn't sending hearts back then it isn't an issue. I don't get why you wanted the relationship post removed, he was in a relationship then with her, he isn't now. My facebook probably has all the history of my exes although I'm married now, no need to go back editing the past like it didn't happen though

it was the active public relationship status.

I think in time the friendship will fizzle out if they were only together a year. It's a bit odd that she's doing all that, as he's obviously moved on, but given time she'll probably meet someone else and give up.

@Crystal87

I think in time the friendship will fizzle out if they were only together a year. It's a bit odd that she's doing all that, as he's obviously moved on, but given time she'll probably meet someone else and give up.

I hope so. Thanks.

If it was saying that she is his current relationship then that is weird and would certainly piss me off.

The hearts---it depends on the rest of their interactions really. I heart things all the time but it doesn't mean anything.

Don't be weird about this stuff.

He wants to be with you, otherwise he wouldn't be. If he doesn't want to be, there is nothing you can do about that.

@CrazyToast

If it was saying that she is his current relationship then that is weird and would certainly piss me off.

The hearts---it depends on the rest of their interactions really. I heart things all the time but it doesn't mean anything.

Thanks for the reality check - I wouldn't ever heart posts by an ex but my past isn't a nice one with my ex. I'm trying to see things from the good, normal point of view that most people have.

@ohthegoats

Don't be weird about this stuff.

He wants to be with you, otherwise he wouldn't be. If he doesn't want to be, there is nothing you can do about that.

Exactly. Thanks.

Sorry OP, I read “ I had to ask my bf to remove his public post, from over a year ago, that said he was in a relationship with her“ as it being a year old post not active status. Not unreasonable at all to ask to change.

I understand how you feel, but unless HE has given you any reason to be suspicious then I'd just try and let it go. I don't think there's a problem with someone's relationship history being there to see on their profile because a) I don't think it's healthy to erase swathes of your life and b) who apart from a current or potential partner actually cares enough to dig back through it all?

At least one ex of mine will occasionally like or heart a post of mine, sometimes he'll comment or drop me a DM, but that's because we are many years down the line and happy for each's others successes, not because he wants to shag me (I know this as he has had ample opportunity to make a move when I've been single if he did).

There's no point in pretending we're immune to a bit of jealously, my DP bumps into his long-term ex from time to time and stops for a chat. It raises my hackles a tiny bit but I'd never dream of voicing it to him as he's never given me the tiniest seed of a reason not to trust him.

I think you need you need to ask yourself how much this affects what you have?

People have all sorts of relationship issues and it's how you get through them that makes or breaks them if this is such a big problem for you how are you going to cope with the real compromises relationships can bring long term?

@Cfmcg900

Sorry OP, I read “ I had to ask my bf to remove his public post, from over a year ago, that said he was in a relationship with her“ as it being a year old post not active status. Not unreasonable at all to ask to change.

no problem. Thanks though. I did look through it all afterwards. I have no problem with the past being there as it's not for me to say. I don't have past relationship photos/posts on the public view (I've removed photos as well) but that's just how I have things.

@GoodUserName

I think you need you need to ask yourself how much this affects what you have?

People have all sorts of relationship issues and it's how you get through them that makes or breaks them if this is such a big problem for you how are you going to cope with the real compromises relationships can bring long term?

It is a small problem considering the issues I've been through in the past and of course in general. Sometimes it's the small things that are big issues though. Mine comes from my past. I manage it all well. I try to be sure that I'm aware that I might be over reacting so I step back and rethink on things. This is what I find helpful here - people saying it from a different points of view. It helps.

Don’t overthink meaningless crap on social media. He already had the chance to be with her and it didn’t work. He’s dating you now so that tells you where his head is at... with you. No one, absolutely no one else will care or notice those hearts/ old photos or assume anything. The voice you hear most often is your own in your own head and you need to stop driving yourself mad. Assume the best, be happy and give things a go with him.

@HowFastIsTooFast

I understand how you feel, but unless HE has given you any reason to be suspicious then I'd just try and let it go. I don't think there's a problem with someone's relationship history being there to see on their profile because a) I don't think it's healthy to erase swathes of your life and b) who apart from a current or potential partner actually cares enough to dig back through it all?

At least one ex of mine will occasionally like or heart a post of mine, sometimes he'll comment or drop me a DM, but that's because we are many years down the line and happy for each's others successes, not because he wants to shag me (I know this as he has had ample opportunity to make a move when I've been single if he did).

There's no point in pretending we're immune to a bit of jealously, my DP bumps into his long-term ex from time to time and stops for a chat. It raises my hackles a tiny bit but I'd never dream of voicing it to him as he's never given me the tiniest seed of a reason not to trust him.

Thanks. That sounds good. I don't feel jealous but I would feel a worry if they met but hard to say why exactly.

@Raella50

Don’t overthink meaningless crap on social media. He already had the chance to be with her and it didn’t work. He’s dating you now so that tells you where his head is at... with you. No one, absolutely no one else will care or notice those hearts/ old photos or assume anything. The voice you hear most often is your own in your own head and you need to stop driving yourself mad. Assume the best, be happy and give things a go with him.

Agree. Thanks.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time, OP.

This would not sit easy with me either.

But you need to stop presenting as a victim (of past relationships) as what you’re posting makes sense; having in a relationship with someone else isn’t good, but coupled with a featured photo of the two of them and all the love hearts on his page... your reaction is normal.

Approach it with him in the context of how it makes YOU feel, and avoid mentioning the past but focus on the present and future - namely that you’ve chosen to be with him and out of respect for that you’d be grateful if he could reflect that on his social media (if he’s a frequent user of it... if he’s pretty inactive on FB it could be just something he’s not got round to but it’s still worth updating).

By putting it in the above terms you don’t sound like you’re doing the “pick me” dance and your point is rational and fair; I’m sure if he put himself in your shoes he’d dislike it too.

I don’t think you come across as controlling but start working on your mindset and value yourself more. You’ve chosen to be with him (and vice versa) and you’ve moved away from shitty relationships and you’re looking to have a balanced, adult, openly communicative one now. Put that front and centre and you’re in control of this, it’s not in control of you or your memories.

@InfiniteGerbils

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time, OP.

This would not sit easy with me either.

But you need to stop presenting as a victim (of past relationships) as what you’re posting makes sense; having in a relationship with someone else isn’t good, but coupled with a featured photo of the two of them and all the love hearts on his page... your reaction is normal.

Approach it with him in the context of how it makes YOU feel, and avoid mentioning the past but focus on the present and future - namely that you’ve chosen to be with him and out of respect for that you’d be grateful if he could reflect that on his social media (if he’s a frequent user of it... if he’s pretty inactive on FB it could be just something he’s not got round to but it’s still worth updating).

By putting it in the above terms you don’t sound like you’re doing the “pick me” dance and your point is rational and fair; I’m sure if he put himself in your shoes he’d dislike it too.

I don’t think you come across as controlling but start working on your mindset and value yourself more. You’ve chosen to be with him (and vice versa) and you’ve moved away from shitty relationships and you’re looking to have a balanced, adult, openly communicative one now. Put that front and centre and you’re in control of this, it’s not in control of you or your memories.

Good points. Thank you. That's an easy approach to open a discussion. I'll think that through.

@SconeTea

I get it. I had a similar thing with the man I am dating.

His ex girlfriend was a serial poster - you know the type, always online and posted about EVERYTHING she did. Every date they had, cup of tea she made, everything...

Anyway, I chatted to him and said it made me feel uncomfortable and he said that she was always trying to make things look better than they actually were/adding everyone as a friend/trying to make it look like she had a perfect life and was happy. She wasn't. They weren't happy. It made me see things differently and I feel sorry for her.

He isn't with her now. Perhaps he doesn't think about it much because maybe he got used to how over the top she is/was? Speak to him and see how he responds.

Why would his Facebook still actively say he was in a relationship with his ex? Do you mean like in the info bit underneath his photo where it says where you went to school etc... It says 'In a relationship with Ex'?

I took it to mean that you'd scrolled back through his posts and found the one from last year where he'd changed his relationship status and asked him to delete that which I think would have been OTT.

But I'm confused why a single person would still have their status as in a relationship with someone who was an ex.

@FreeFromDinoMeat

Why would his Facebook still actively say he was in a relationship with his ex? Do you mean like in the info bit underneath his photo where it says where you went to school etc... It says 'In a relationship with Ex'?

I took it to mean that you'd scrolled back through his posts and found the one from last year where he'd changed his relationship status and asked him to delete that which I think would have been OTT.

But I'm confused why a single person would still have their status as in a relationship with someone who was an ex.

He's not single as we are together. It was for his previous relationship that he had it set as in a relationship with and the persons name. He removed it right away when I asked about this. It was an over sight as I understand it but still. I hadn't thought to have checked on this. I'd not even looked through his facebook in any depth but now I have. He's removed some of the loved up photos - or set them to just viewable by him. I don't know what but they are no longer public and I can't see them as a friend on facebook. His ex has loved up photos in her featured public photos. I don't like this but nothing I can do. If my ex had pictures of me publically on facebook I'd want them removed but my bf doesn't seem bothered. It's his concern though. I don't like that she's there with hearts for likes and loved up photos on the public view if anyone goes to her profile.

[quote FromMarch2020]@SconeTea

I get it. I had a similar thing with the man I am dating.

His ex girlfriend was a serial poster - you know the type, always online and posted about EVERYTHING she did. Every date they had, cup of tea she made, everything...

Anyway, I chatted to him and said it made me feel uncomfortable and he said that she was always trying to make things look better than they actually were/adding everyone as a friend/trying to make it look like she had a perfect life and was happy. She wasn't. They weren't happy. It made me see things differently and I feel sorry for her.

He isn't with her now. Perhaps he doesn't think about it much because maybe he got used to how over the top she is/was? Speak to him and see how he responds.[/quote]
Thanks. She is much more on social media than me so it could well be just her way of interacting. Good idea.

I think this comes under how to lose your partner. Stop the Facebook stalking and demands.
I can understand the relationship status but otherwise. If he is going to get back with her he'll do it anyway.

I understand he's not single now OP but he obviously was when you met him? So I don't get why he'd still have his active status as 'in a relationship with Ex'. That's not an oversight if it's right there at the top of his page.

One of the first things you see on my Facebook is 'Married to Husband's Name'.

If I split up with DH and then got with someone else a year later, my Facebook wouldn't still be saying 'married to DH'.

@FreeFromDinoMeat

I understand he's not single now OP but he obviously was when you met him? So I don't get why he'd still have his active status as 'in a relationship with Ex'. That's not an oversight if it's right there at the top of his page.

One of the first things you see on my Facebook is 'Married to Husband's Name'.

If I split up with DH and then got with someone else a year later, my Facebook wouldn't still be saying 'married to DH'.

Now I see what you mean. He was newly single when I met him. Good point. When my ex and I split I removed things on social media. For me this was photos as I've never had a relationship status on facebook.

My Facebook has photos from around 15 years ago onwards, many with my exh, I'm not erasing my past. I have photos of my ex, kids and me, dp has the same for his ex - we have pasta!