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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A reasonable distance to travel to sit in someones garden....

81 replies

bez91 · 17/06/2020 09:35

AIBU?
MIL and partner along with husbands younger brother live 50 miles away, just over an hours drive. Like many grandparents she hasn't seen our DD who is 2.5 since the start of lock down. Last week my dad joined our 'bubble' - he lives alone (locally) which has caused a lot of jealously and unfair comments from MIL. He was widowed a long time ago its not as if he's chosen to live alone.

Basically she wants us to travel to her house to sit in her garden this weekend. My attitude is no thanks as is DHs but she is going overboard saying we're stopping her from seeing her granddaughter.

I'd be more than happy for her to do the travelling here and sit in my garden getting p*ss wet through but access isn't easy to our back garden at present as we're half way through a house extension and she certainly won't be coming inside to use the loo! We wouldn't be having visitors lockdown or no lockdown at present.

Are we being unreasonable to saying no? If we did it would save us a lot of aggro for the next 3 months but for me and DD its just too far to sit in someones bloody garden. I'll probably get hammered here by all the people who seem to jump to the defence of every critical post about MILs but in our opinion this is the latest in a long line of her unreasonable behaviour and demands.

OP posts:
ScarfLadysBag · 17/06/2020 09:39

I would do it in a heartbeat if it was my mum. Sadly she lives much further away. But an hour to see my mum who I haven't seen for months and who hasn't seen her granddaughter for months would be an no brainer. That's not a long drive at all.

But it sounds like you don't really like MIL or want to see her and there's backstory 🤷‍♀️

AnguaResurgam · 17/06/2020 09:40

I think itwould be unreasonable to expect her to come to yours when you cannot offer a lavatory.

The weather forecast is generally mild and sunny (might even be hot) so a garden visit sounds just fine.

If you do not want to go, make an excuse and have DH take DC for the visit.

dontlikebeards · 17/06/2020 09:41

You really don't like your MIL do you! I would drive an hour to spend an afternoon with them. Imagine if it was your mum you were talking about. I think yabu.

Seeline · 17/06/2020 09:41

Could you meet halfway? Lots of National Trust garden are opening up now (although you have to book in advance)

GinDaddyRedux · 17/06/2020 09:42

You chose to have a house extension, therefore the considerate thing to do is to go to the place where there would be least disruption - your MIL house.

1 hour is hardly a lot to travel, I think you just don't want to go and don't like her for whatever reason.

I think YABU, why not make the effort, it's a short trip.

NotIncandescentWithRage · 17/06/2020 09:42

she certainly won't be coming inside to use the loo!

Because she’s a lepher?

napmeistergeneral · 17/06/2020 09:42

You've not given much detail about the background of your relationship with her so for all I know maybe you're not being unreasonable but this whole post just comes across as you disliking your MIL intently. My first impression is you'd be just as resistant however long the drive. I'm not trying to hammer you, I'm simply pointing out that the dislike shines through in your choice of words.

hellsbells99 · 17/06/2020 09:43

I drove 2 hours to see my mum on Monday. I used toilets at a service station so I didn’t need to go in her house. And I sat in her garden for a couple of hours (took my umbrella too) and she was delighted to see me. Why wouldn’t you, if you can?

topclip1 · 17/06/2020 09:43

This reply has been deleted

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CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 17/06/2020 09:44

get some wipes, suggest she cleans the loo and all around before and after! Unlike me when I visited my dm and cleaned it after and forgot to clean it before! Grin

lighten up op

Laylor · 17/06/2020 09:44

Erm, it's a tough one. How would you feel if it was your own mum or dad asking this of you? Would you refuse to travel 50 miles? And refuse them to use the loo? My mother in law is a massive pain in the arse and also lives 50 odd miles away and weve not been down to see her or have her up here. As soon as I see her I get my back up instantly which dosent help.

I'm a mum to a 4 month old who's currently in hospital with his 4 infection in 16 weeks so his health to me is absolutly paramount. I'd keep him away from everyone if I could.

When I do the shopping or my husband does the shopping you come so much closer to strangers in the aisle than you do your own family.

Personally I would prefer to travel to mother in laws so I can leave when I want. Get it out of the way. But if shes anything like my mother in law I can understand your issues. There is no harm in her walking straight through your house to the back garden along as she stays 2 meters apart. I also wouldnt mind her using the loo either as long as she washed etc

Hopw that helps. X

SmallChickBilly · 17/06/2020 09:45

I'd do it, particularly if I wasn't able to host, but I'm lucky enough to like my family! Can you not send your husband and daughter on their own if you don't want to go?

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 17/06/2020 09:45

national trust is a great idea, you book for all

HelloDulling · 17/06/2020 09:46

It’s an hour’s drive. Of course I would. My MIL is a 2hour drive away, and I’d drive down there right now if we weren’t in Wales, where we’re not allowed to travel more than 5 miles.

If it’s the drive that’s bothering you, meet half way for a picnic.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 17/06/2020 09:46

I'd do it. It's a long time for grandparents to go without seeing grandchildren who are growing and changing all the time. But I would make it clear that this wouldn't necessarily be a regular thing, nor would I commit to staying long without being able to access a loo - 3 hours with no loo access is my upper limit TBH.

vanillandhoney · 17/06/2020 09:50

It's only an hour - I think you're both being pretty miserable and a bit mean, to be honest. It's more practical to go to hers as she has a toilet you can use and she's not doing building work, so why are you choosing to be difficult?

Unless there's a massive drip-feed coming I think YABVU.

Wotsitsarecheesy · 17/06/2020 09:50

My parents drove 2 hours to sit in my garden almost as soon as it was allowed. It normally only takes 1h30min but there was an accident. I was intending to do the same to visit them last week but we were rained off. I will do it in the next couple of weeks though. So no, I don't think an hour is too much and if you can't/won't offer a toilet then you should go there. There may well be valid reasons why you don't want to go and see them, but distance isn't one of them.

jellybeanz1212 · 17/06/2020 09:52

YANBU
I have to go and sit in my own mums garden next week, dreading it. Only 45 min drive though.

Darkestseasonofall · 17/06/2020 09:52

You sound really mean.

TillyTheTiger · 17/06/2020 09:56

My parents drove a 5 hour round trip to sit in our garden, it rained for a while and they huddled under umbrellas and STILL said it was so worth it to see their grandchildren. Your MIL's demands don't seem too outrageous to me.

Jkslays · 17/06/2020 09:56

I travel to see my 88 year old grandmother most Sunday’s to sit in her garden with a flask of tea whilst she sits at her front door.

If your honest it’s just because your not arsed.

happytoday73 · 17/06/2020 09:56

Your choice of wordage clearly shows you do not like your MIL. You come over very biased and cold. To me it's influencing your decision and your excuses.... And they are really just excuses...

Either have them over letting them use your toilet (consider family as different than visitors), get yourself to theirs or meet somewhere in the middle.

If won't do that, let your DH go... But remember...your MIL is as important to your husband as your Dad is to you.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 17/06/2020 10:00

If your mil did come to you, want would you honestly day to her if she asked to use the toilet? Would you seriously not let her? Just clean the toilet before and after, its nit that hard.

Gemma2019 · 17/06/2020 10:02

Your wording is strange - you're not driving an hour to sit in a garden, you're driving to see your MIL who misses her GC! It's not a huge ask from her at all.

SueEllenMishke · 17/06/2020 10:02

You do realise visitors can use your toilet don't you? You should just provide a separate towel and they should wipe the area afterwards.

You sound mean.