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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A reasonable distance to travel to sit in someones garden....

81 replies

bez91 · 17/06/2020 09:35

AIBU?
MIL and partner along with husbands younger brother live 50 miles away, just over an hours drive. Like many grandparents she hasn't seen our DD who is 2.5 since the start of lock down. Last week my dad joined our 'bubble' - he lives alone (locally) which has caused a lot of jealously and unfair comments from MIL. He was widowed a long time ago its not as if he's chosen to live alone.

Basically she wants us to travel to her house to sit in her garden this weekend. My attitude is no thanks as is DHs but she is going overboard saying we're stopping her from seeing her granddaughter.

I'd be more than happy for her to do the travelling here and sit in my garden getting p*ss wet through but access isn't easy to our back garden at present as we're half way through a house extension and she certainly won't be coming inside to use the loo! We wouldn't be having visitors lockdown or no lockdown at present.

Are we being unreasonable to saying no? If we did it would save us a lot of aggro for the next 3 months but for me and DD its just too far to sit in someones bloody garden. I'll probably get hammered here by all the people who seem to jump to the defence of every critical post about MILs but in our opinion this is the latest in a long line of her unreasonable behaviour and demands.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/06/2020 10:02

You and your dh don’t want to, so don’t. I hate this ‘we’re stopping her from seeing her grandchild’ like you don’t count, you we’re just the receptacle that’s produced her grandchild and she doesn’t want to see you or Dh!

underneaththeash · 17/06/2020 10:03

I think it's a bit mean too. I drove a couple of hours to see my mum for the first time last weekend (DH didn't come though)
If you don't want to go, just send DH and DD.

FromMarch2020 · 17/06/2020 10:04

Do you have history with you MIL?

It sounds like you really don't like her at all.

AJPTaylor · 17/06/2020 10:07

An hour? God that's nothing. Let dh take her if needs be but I think you are being just plain mean.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 17/06/2020 10:07

Not much more to say beyond what had been said above, except; why doesn’t your DH want to see her? Does he have a bad relationship with her or does he know what your opinion of her is and doesn’t want to face the fallout with you?

Are absolute minimum he should go and see her by himself.
Beyond that, I agree he should take DD and leave you behind to think about how you can work on a more civil relationship with you husband’s Mother.

—awaits drip feed of why MIL is Satan incarnate—

Pootles34 · 17/06/2020 10:11

So you're having a house extension - builders in the house then? But not her?

If you don't get on that's fair enough, but just say that rather than saying its about an hours drive.

Megan2018 · 17/06/2020 10:13

My parents are 1.5hrs drive away, we are taking it in turns to visit our gardens. 1hr is my commute to work! It’s not far at all. YABU

Original poster
bez91 · 17/06/2020 10:14

Thanks all 😂 and yes there's a hell of a lot of backstory relating to her emotionally abusing my husband since the age of 7. So no for those of you who have said "think of your DH" - I am being more level headed and open about the idea than he is.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 17/06/2020 10:14

I’d go in a heartbeat. We’ve offered to take the kids up to see my PIL which is just under 2 hours away.
They’ve said no as my FIL is shielding and they’d be too upset not being cuddle the kids.
I assume there’s a backstory to this.
Would you travel an hour for your dad?

Drivingdownthe101 · 17/06/2020 10:14

Meet halfway at a NT place/country park with a picnic?
My IL’s are abroad and our flights out to visit them have been cancelled. We’d definitely drive an hour to see them, it’s not far.

Suzie6789 · 17/06/2020 10:15

OP, I think you are coming across as very mean spirited.
Are people really refusing their family access to their toilet???
We are having FIL over today who’s shielding because of chemo treatment and lives on his own (widowed) and has been so lonely. I wouldn’t dream of saying he can’t use the loo.

PrayingandHoping · 17/06/2020 10:15

An hour is nothing!!!!

My parents are driving over 2 hours to come and sit in my garden this weekend!!

I wish I could drive the 4 hours to see my in laws but they are shielding so the rules don't apply to them yet and it's too far for 8 hours in car for my baby and they can't drive that far in one day anymore (cause of their health).

You are being very unfair on her to refuse

NamechangeOnceMore · 17/06/2020 10:25

We drove 3 hours each way to see my PILs last weekend. We love them and wanted to see them. It's obvious from your post that you don't like your MIL.

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2020 10:25

Whether she emotionally abused him or not, I'm not sure the strain of a pandemic is a good time to be adding that mental strain to him if he wants to go - whether his reasons are good or bad.

My ILs are only on the other side of town, but it's a 40m drive. We're going on Sunday rain or shine.

Objectively, my MIL is lovely and normal and my mum is... difficult. Imperfect. But I'm indifferent to seeing the former and desperate to see the latter, and feelings are crappy enough these days.

Perfecting his relationship with his mum can wait...

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2020 10:26

(sorry, misread and thought your DH did want to go...)

notalwaysalondoner · 17/06/2020 10:26

I would definitely do it, either have her to us or go to hers. An hour is really not far, it’s allowed, why wouldn’t you? Sounds like you’re using lockdown as an excuse to avoid her.

Blacksideupanddownagain · 17/06/2020 10:29

No it's not too far. We drove 1.5 hours at the weekend to meet Pil for a couple of hours walk in a forestry commission place half way between us as it too far for either of us to drive to houses without stopping for loo. It rained, we got wet.. we survived.

Friedbed · 17/06/2020 10:31

My parents drove 200 miles to sit in our garden and then 200 miles home again.

Gunpowder · 17/06/2020 10:32

YABU it’s a reasonable distance to sit in garden to see family. And YABU not to let someone use the loo.

But absolutely YANBU to not want to see MIL if she has been toxic. We are NC with my MIL because she was so horrid to DH when he growing up (and still is now.) Flowers I wouldn’t even drive five minutes to see her.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 17/06/2020 10:32

Well I drove for 2.5 hours to see my mum at the weekend as I hadn't seen her since the end of February and she was isolating due to her age and health conditions. We used a different loo and wiped the area before we left. So yes YABVU.

Gunpowder · 17/06/2020 10:33

when he was growing up I mean.

AntiHop · 17/06/2020 10:35

Is this a reverse?

loobylou44 · 17/06/2020 10:35

It depends. Was she bothered about seeing her grandchild before your dad became part of your bubble, or is she jealous?

loobylou44 · 17/06/2020 10:37

If she genuinely wants to see her grandchild then yes I would visit however if it's part of some point scoring game then no way would I be going.

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2020 10:37

Here is the thing

1 hr isnt too long a drive
She could use the toilet
and its all perfectly in the rules.

But you dont have to. If your DH doesnt want to he doesnt have to