A reasonable distance to travel to sit in someones garden....

[bez91]

AIBU?
MIL and partner along with husbands younger brother live 50 miles away, just over an hours drive. Like many grandparents she hasn't seen our DD who is 2.5 since the start of lock down. Last week my dad joined our 'bubble' - he lives alone (locally) which has caused a lot of jealously and unfair comments from MIL. He was widowed a long time ago its not as if he's chosen to live alone.

Basically she wants us to travel to her house to sit in her garden this weekend. My attitude is no thanks as is DHs but she is going overboard saying we're stopping her from seeing her granddaughter.

I'd be more than happy for her to do the travelling here and sit in my garden getting p*ss wet through but access isn't easy to our back garden at present as we're half way through a house extension and she certainly won't be coming inside to use the loo! We wouldn't be having visitors lockdown or no lockdown at present.

Are we being unreasonable to saying no? If we did it would save us a lot of aggro for the next 3 months but for me and DD its just too far to sit in someones bloody garden. I'll probably get hammered here by all the people who seem to jump to the defence of every critical post about MILs but in our opinion this is the latest in a long line of her unreasonable behaviour and demands.

Does your DH want to go or not, it sounds like no?

Do you want your DD to have a relationship with her?

How often would you see each other pre lockdown?

It's got nothing to do with lockdown really has it? An hour is nothing really. I did a 5 hour round trip to see my parents and sit in their garden with my DD a few weeks ago. It was worth every minute we had together because I love them and miss them dearly!

OP does not want to go.
DH does not want to go.
OP has said there is a big backstory
MIL only started this because OP's Dad has seen GC.

Roads only go one way, do they?

And I bet you anything there is no way she will stay 2m away from GC.

I travel that far to sit in a garden, my mil hadn’t seen myself or the grandkids in 12 weeks, she is shielding and sees dh when he drops shopping off, I know her other children have visited and I know they have been in the house but she isn’t supposed to be shielding day use to her I ones so I won’t be part of that the.

My mum has seen myself and my dd when we have dropped shopping off st her and recently I’ve been out on walks with her.

However they both live 2 miles away and In Scotland we have been encouraged to stay home so the furthest we have driven is 5miles in all this time.

That's a hell of a dripfeed OP. Of course don't bother with her in that case - but YABU to ask us about an hours drive when its nothing to do with that.

@bez91

Thanks all 😂 and yes there's a hell of a lot of backstory relating to her emotionally abusing my husband since the age of 7. So no for those of you who have said "think of your DH" - I am being more level headed and open about the idea than he is.

When lockdown restrictions ended recently

Drove to & from relatives
Visited various people in their gardens
Used service station facilities
Took own food & drink

It was worth the effort !

I think YANBU just on grounds that she's been making unfair comments about your dad when he lives alone and is therefore eligible to join a bubble and she doesn't and isn't.

Depends on the back story.
But I wouldn't do something for anyone demanding it

If someone is that much of a cunt that you wouldn't spend a short drive for them to see their grandchild then cut off all contact to them. If they're not that much of a cunt, go and see them. There's really no in between place that is worth considering.

Jeez just go and see her.

I'm a Mum in law, and Grandmother, and I agree with you, OP. I'm in lockdown, and I'm not relaxing it for anyone. Covid19 is still out there, still a danger. I can't see my lovely Grandchildren, but I wouldn't want to see them if I couldn't get close to them. I think the main problem seems to be her jealousy that another Grandparent has seen you all.

yy to sirfredfredgeorge
if she's in your life at all, then it's time for a duty visit, even if just once.
or think about stepping away properly.

Big, big drip feed. If you choose to misrepresent your position here, of course everyone's going to say you should go. Don't really know why you're asking in the first place.

I called in to see my parents 120 miles away yesterday with two of their grandchildren. They've not not seen them since December and February. My mum cried with joy. And they're 19 and 23.

My husband travelled a total of four hours last weekend to sit with me in my parents garden. Suck it up op, you child deserves to see her grandparents.

I visited my son and his family on Sunday. My lovely daughter in law had cleaned their downstairs loo specially for our use, she let us in the back door so we went straight through the kitchen to the garden. She had disinfected the chairs and table. When she brought coffee and cake out she also had hand sanitiser on the tray. She couldn’t have done more to keep us safe - my dh is over 70 and has health issues. We had a lovely visit, it was sooo nice to see them all. Be kind, she’s your husband’s mum. You will probably be a mil one day! I hope your dc marry someone kinder than you.

You can drive as far as you like and think worthwhile to sit in someone's garden. An hour seems worth it to me and not unreasonable.

And why would you stop her using the loo? You cannot catch covid from the loo seat (in the vanishingly unlikely event she has it anyway).

She is silly to be "jealous" of the bubble thing with your dad as she has a partner, but other than that, I can't see the issue.

@sirfredfredgeorge

I agree. Even though my first answer was based on thinking the DH wanted to go, my point still stands.

I have a friend who has endless strife in her marriage due to her ILs. Here's the thing, they're definitely toxic, and her husband definitely understands that.

But she causes SO much strife in their marriage by making a Big Fucking Deal out of every interaction and trying to push her agenda on his emotional relationships. It damages him, and damages them. They could live a better life if she chose to play the long game. As it is, they could well end up divorced, at which point she still has a loving family and he'd have nothing.

Put much more simply as you did - either it's toxic enough to call quits, or there's something still there that a duty visit is called for.

I think you are being utterly unreasonable. We are travelling 2 hours to visit one set of grandparents this weekend and 2.5 hours next weekend.

There is no reasonable or unreasonable, even before the dripfeed. It is your family situation. All the people who have been driving miles to see each other in person wanted to do that. You don't and your husband doesn't.

Your dad is eligible to form a bubble with someone and has picked you. She isn't eligible. It's not a competition.

Agree with @sirfredfredgeorge
Driving for 1 hour is very little effort at all.
If she’s that horrible that you can’t be bothered to do that then make the situation clear and cut all contact.

She's you husband's mother. If he doesn't want to go, don't go. Be led by him on this (unless you have a strong reason not to).

Your husband needs to manage this, it's his mother. If he doesn't want to go then he needs to tell her not let it look like you are the 'bad' one. If he wants to go then surely he can take your daughter, nothing making you go.

I drive an hour there and hour back every sunday to sit in my mum's garden.
you are selfish and thoughtless.

It's an hour. I'd drive to the end if the country to just be able to see my parents for an hour.